Fangs for Nothing

by Laura Greenwood

  "Lucy did just say you were on a date," Derek responded.

  "I think I'm going to get a drink," I murmured, getting to my feet and stumbling towards the kitchen. I still had no idea what was going on here. Were they vying for my attention? Or was this just a game to determine which of them was actually interested?

  Why were men so confusing?

  Lucky for me, the kitchen remained devoid of the creatures. Opening the fridge, I studied the contents, trying to decide what I wanted to drink. I didn't know why I bothered, this situation called for something a lot stronger than blood. Or at least, blood without anything added.

  I shut the fridge door and turned to the cupboard next door to it. I searched through it, looking for the bottle I hid so my Grandmother wouldn't drink it when she thought I wasn't looking.

  The sweet scent of mead laced with cherries filled my nose. Delicious. I grabbed a glass from the draining board and poured a little into it. I squinted, trying to decide if that was enough.

  It wasn't.

  I splashed more in. I didn't drink much, but when I did, it was the good stuff. The mead slipped down my throat, almost as smooth as B-type blood. But I didn't have any of that, so this would have to do. It warmed my stomach,

  But was it enough to deal with the amount of testosterone in the other room?

  The answer was probably no, but that didn't mean I could avoid it forever. The two men had clearly decided I was incapable of solving the mystery of my cat without help. How annoying.

  At least I hadn't told them about the watch too, though in theory, William did already, but he hadn't said anything. Maybe he was waiting for me to say something? Or maybe he was embarrassed that I hadn't solved it already.

  No. I couldn't think like that. William had supported me throughout my move into human society, and all the other decisions that seemed crazy to my mother and the other noble vampires. He wouldn't look down on me just because I was having some trouble finding a watch. That wasn't his style.

  Speaking of the mystery of the cat, we seemed to have forgotten about the box during their weird stand-off. I rolled my eyes. Men were odd creatures. Even more so than a blind cat.

  I picked up the box, determined to take it back to the audience room I'd left them in. Come hell or holy water, I was going to get to the bottom of where the damned cat had come from, and why he'd arrived at my door in the first place.

  Silence greeted me as I took the small trip back to the room, a little bit of dread settling in my stomach. I shouldn't have left the two of them alone, even if I had needed a drink and a breather.

  The moment I stepped back into the room, all of my fears were answered. The two men sat staring at one another, even more intently than they had done during the Great Tea Stand-Off.

  I crossed the room and set Jester's box down on the coffee table, retaking my seat and trying not to think too much about the fact I was closer to William than Derek. That was the way it was supposed to be. William was my fiancé. Kind of. I supposed that technically, he wasn't. But his ring rested around my neck which was certainly closer than I was to anything with Derek.

  "Alright, who drank from the wrong blood source?" I asked. Even I hadn't realised my frustration had reached the levels of using my mother's sayings.

  "He started it," Derek muttered under his breath.

  I tried not to roll my eyes. This was getting infuriating. "What did you do?" I asked William.

  "I did nothing." He crossed his arms across his chest, a slightly annoyed look on his face. Hmm. I hadn't thought William could show this much negative emotion. He was the kind of man who was always able to hide what he was really thinking, especially if it was bad.

  "Do I need to put one of you on the naughty step?" The words slipped out of my mouth before I thought about them.

  "Only if you come join me," Derek threw back, a flirty look in his eye.

  I stifled a giggle, knowing it was better not to respond to his flirty ways. Not if I wanted William's eyes to stay in his head.

  "Don't you dare," he threatened, a low growl in his voice.

  Uh oh. His fangs were out too. That was never a good sign. I'd only ever seen William lose his cool once before, and that was when his cousin had been stood up by one of the noble heirs. The boy had apologised within an hour. It had been truly something to see, but had me very worried for poor Derek's safety right now.

  "I think that's up to Lucy."

  William's face darkened again.

  I stood up, only seconds behind the two men who now seemed to be squaring off against one another and inching closer together. If I wasn't careful, this would end very badly. Especially as there were several pieces of furniture in this room that could be turned into easy access stakes. And Grandmother would murder me if any damage came to any of them.

  "Alright, that's enough," I half-shouted. "Get out, both of you."

  They turned to me, dumb looks on their faces as if they couldn't believe what I was saying. To be honest, neither did I. The last thing I'd expected was to be throwing them out of my house, especially when I actually liked both of them and enjoyed spending time with them.

  What was my life coming to? At this rate, maybe I'd need to go downstairs and talk to Grandmother about all this drama going on. She'd know what to say, even if it was just to pat me on the head and tell me it was all going to be okay. Grandmother was an odd one. Part legendary and scary as fangs vampire, part little old lady who doted on me and looked like the Queen. Confusing, to say the least.

  "Are you serious?" Derek asked, his eyes wide.

  "Yes. Out."

  "Lucy..."

  "I said out." I pointed towards the living room door.

  Derek opened his mouth, no doubt to protest, but seemed to think better of it. Good. I was pissed and if he said one more thing, I couldn't be held responsible for my actions.

  He trudged towards the door, sending a longing look in Jester's direction. Eurgh. Why had he gone and bonded with the fanging cat? I didn't need the two of them bromancing their way into my heart.

  "You too," I said to William, my voice low.

  He blinked a couple of times, clearly not believing what he was hearing.

  "Lucinda..."

  "Don't Lucinda me," I warned. "Right now, I need some time to think. There's a key on the dresser by the door. Don't come back for a few hours." I didn't even know if I'd be ready to see him after that time had passed, but I at least had to try.

  "I'm sorry," he whispered.

  "Thank you. Now, please go."

  I watched him leave, my heart heavy. How had I gotten myself into this situation? What even was this situation? That was as good a question as any.

  All the tension left me as I flopped back down onto the sofa, exhausted from standing up for myself. I rubbed my hands over my face, trying to chase away the weariness. Jester's box caught my eye through my fingers. I still hadn't looked inside it. I guessed that now was as good a time as any.

  I pulled it towards me, surprised to hear something rattle at the bottom. Delving in with one of my hands, I pulled out a garish pink collar. I grimaced. "I can see why you didn't want to wear that," I said to Jester, who'd reappeared from under one of the chairs now the testosterone levels in the room were tolerable once more.

  Turning it over in my hands, I noticed the engraving on the metal disk. "Su?" I read aloud. "Is that your name?"

  I waited for the cat to answer.

  "I swear I'm losing it," I muttered to myself. "You don't look like a Su. I think we'll stick with Jester."

  He purred and pushed his head against my legs, almost as if he approved of my plan.

  Chapter 9

  "If I were a watch... Where would I be?" I muttered to myself, tapping my chin as I studied the room around me. "Well, ideally, I'd be around a wrist. Or somewhere I could be watched. Hehe."

  "Really? This is how you find items?" Jonas asked sarcastically.

  "Shush! I'm in character." I crouched around the r
oom. "Tick, tock, tick, tock. I love keeping the time. I'm a watch. Tick, tock, tick, tock."

  "Wow, you're crazy." He sat down on the couch, shaking his head. "It's not here, I've looked everywhere."

  "Yes, with your eyes. Did you pretend to be a watch?"

  He stared at me, his mouth slightly open. "No... Because I'm not crazy!"

  "Hey! Do you want to find your watch or not?"

  "I— But... Arrggggh. Fine." He let out a long, deliberate breath. "Continue."

  Lucy, one. Jonas, zero.

  "Tick, tock, tick, tock." Slowly and meticulously, I shuffled through Jonas' living room, studying it inch by inch. Every plush of dust in the corner, every shriek of the wooden floor, every dark spot and light fleck.

  I didn't really want to be here, but I couldn't just stop doing my job because I had a little spat with my fiancé. Or well, not-fiancé, as William had felt the need to point out. Between his apologetic glances and Jester's insistent meowing, the house wasn't exactly a quiet, restful place.

  Not to mention, the sporadic but frequent stream of presents that arrived on all hours of the day. All courtesy of Derek, of course. Each time the postman rang the doorbell, William turned a different shade of red. Which was really unlike him. I never pegged him for the jealous or possessive type.

  "Anything?" Jonas quipped, breaking me out of my ponder.

  "Nothing. Yet."

  "It's because of your stupid method," he muttered under his breath, just loud enough I could hear him.

  "Hey, hey. My method isn't stupid. I've found many things this way."

  The tall man glared at me. "Then what's taking you so long? I came to you over a week ago."

  "I'm not always on the clock," I replied, earning a cocky shrug from him. "And I have a life."

  Jonas rolled his eyes back into his skull. "Whatever, just hurry up with whatever you need to do. I don't like people in my personal space."

  I snorted. That was some real irony there.

  "What?" he hissed.

  "Nothing. Just be silent and let me concentrate. The more you talk, the longer this'll take."

  With him huffing in a corner, I focused back on the task at hand. Hand... Clock hand... Now there was an idea!

  "Tick, tock, tick, tock," I muttered to myself, stretching out my arms and pretending I was a giant clock. If I was going to understand the ways of the watch, I needed to think big. Out of the box. Things didn't just disappear. And if Jonas swore he didn't lose it, then someone had to have taken it. And that someone had to have a reason for it.

  So if I found the reason, I'd track down the culprit, and in turn, obtain the watch.

  "Jonas?"

  "What."

  "Can you think of anyone that would have reason or cause to steal your watch?"

  He shook his head, his expression pained. "No. As you so eloquently pointed out, the watch is worthless."

  "But not to you. So who else would recognise that value?"

  "I don't know... Nobody thought it was worth anything. Papa always said I was a fool for wearing something so trashy."

  I reached in my pocket and flipped out a small notebook. The pages were wrinkled from being in my pocket so long and the pen's tip was a little dry. Even so, it was functional and made me look professional. Which was all that mattered.

  Quickly, I scribbled down some words and drew a sketch of the watch, just for good measure.

  "Besides your old man, anyone else that had any opinions on your watch, positive or negative?"

  Jonas scratched his forehead, dishevelling his hair even more. "I don't know. Look, aren't you supposed to be the PI here?"

  "Yes, a private investigator. Not a metal detector."

  "Ugh..." He shuffled on the leather couch, the material shrieking under him. The grey pillows and checkered rug all added to the bleak and impersonal feel of his pad. How a woman ever lived here was beyond me. The place was cold, hard, and characterless. Just like the owner.

  But somehow, Jonas and William were friends. And even if my fiancé-not-fiancé was acting a bit fangy right now, I'd do anything to help him or someone he cared about.

  Just as I was about to give up on looking for clues, the man perked up.

  "Wait. I didn't think twice about it back then, but when I was at the Williamsbourgh's gala last month, there was a man who asked me a bunch of questions about my watch. I assumed he just wanted to buy one for his wife too or something..."

  "Who was he?"

  "Well, that's the odd part. I don't know."

  "That is odd. From what I remember, the galas are very exclusive and restricted. I didn't think they'd changed in that aspect," I mused, thinking back to the last event I attended. The one where William was supposed to propose and didn't.

  I licked the pen to wet the tip and scribbled some other notes down. Two leads, two cranky old men to question. Brilliant. That would keep me busy for the next week or so. If I hadn't located the watch by then, I might have to throw in the towel and call it a lost cause.

  "That's it?" Jonas asked, seeming surprised as I put my jacket back on and started heading for the door.

  "Unless the watch is hiding in your bedside table, then I need to go outside," I deadpanned.

  Something odd flitted across his face, but I didn't know what that was about and he smothered it before I could work anything else out.

  "You have checked your bedside table, right?" I asked slowly. If there was one thing I'd learned in my years of interacting with people was that, no matter if they were human, vampire, or something else entirely, they could be really dumb sometimes. Especially when they were worked out about something.

  "Of course."

  I didn't believe him. Probably for good reason, but unfortunately, I couldn't just storm into his bedroom and start searching. He'd probably go all feral on me and decide to cancel my contract. No matter how stupid I found the charge, I needed the job. Especially with William at home moping about Derek's presents, none of which I really wanted or needed.

  Except the expensive coffee he sent yesterday. That had been delicious.

  "Anything else?" I asked with a raised eyebrow and an expression that I hoped told him I wasn't about to take any more crap from him.

  He shook his head. Good vampire. Clearly, he was learning what was actually good for him. I should ask William where he'd picked this one up from. Jonas certainly wasn't his normal type of friend.

  I didn't wait for him to change his mind and talk about his dead wife for the next ten minutes. No one needed to hear that, especially not when their own relationship status was in a little bit of disarray.

  The door slammed shut behind me, and I breathed easy for the first time since I'd arrived. Something about Jonas wasn't sitting right with me, but I couldn't put my finger on what. Maybe it was just how close he claimed he was with his human wife. It wasn't that I thought vampire-human relationships were bad, I was fairly certain they had the same levels of relationship goodness or badness as any other. It was more that it took a lot of guts to go up against the norm of vampire society, and he didn't exactly seem the type.

  Oh well. Love did funny things to people, and he was just proof of that. I guessed I was too. The whole thing with William was odd and I wasn't about to deny that.

  I pulled my jacket closer to me, wishing I'd brought a heavier coat to protect me from the rain that had started to fall while I was inside. Great, even the weather hated me. Miserable, wet, determined to ruin my hair.

  A sigh escaped my lips. The water had formed a hard sheet of icy ickiness, which I didn't want to stay in any longer than I had to. Luckily for me, there was a great coffee shop just down the street. I'd scoped it out when I'd discovered where Jonas lived. I'd had a feeling I'd need some kind of recovery drink after seeing him. I should never have taken on this job in the first place. But I had something to prove. To myself, to William, to mother, even to vampire society as a whole. I was not going to be the little blushing vampire girl who pretended to be
disgusted by the sight of blood that they wanted me to be. It just didn't fit well with my personality.

  I pushed through the door, letting go of the collar of my jacket as I stepped into the warmth. This was more like it. I could dry off and wait for the rain to stop. I could even get my tablet out and start working through the very tenuous leads I had. Or look on cheap auction sites for watches that matched Jonas' photo. I wasn't convinced I'd find anything, but at least I could say I'd done something with my day.

  And avoid the house and the moping vampire within. I thought I was meant to be the mysterious gothic woman haunting the big house, but if William carried on the way he did, people would start thinking Dracula's handsome cousin had moved in.

  I ordered a latte and took it to one of the corner tables. The less people I could potentially come into contact with, the better.

  My setup was both familiar, and not. Normally I used my laptop to work, but when I was on the go, a tablet and detachable keyboard were much more portable. I just hoped this place had wifi, though it would be backwards of them not to.

  I settled in to drink my coffee and do some research, blissfully uninterrupted by the doorbell, or by William's moping. I hadn't appreciated how much I needed my own space until I realised I didn't have any of it. If the two men were going to carry on the way they were, then I'd need to set some ground rules.

  But that was quite enough thinking about my non-existent love life. I needed to research. The sooner I got this job done, the sooner I could move on to the next one. Hopefully, one that wasn't anywhere near as weird, or dare I say it, boring.

  It only took fifteen minutes for me to track down Jonas' father.

  "Great," I muttered under my breath. "Just what I need." His next appearance was at one of my mother’s soirées.

  "A friendly face?" A voice I knew and loathed was followed by the man in question sitting down opposite me with a devilish grin on his face.

  "Watson." I injected as much ice into my voice as I could. This wasn't someone I'd hoped to see.

  "I wish you'd call me Watt," he retorted.