"Ah, well, blame the training." Pellon's toothy grin made Mayr roll his eyes. "Your fault, anyway. If you hadn't gotten so good, I wouldn't have had to keep up."
"Sure, blame the scrawny brat I used to be. That makes my victory even better."
"Heh." Pellon nodded toward the guests. "It's looking quiet. No one's been arrested, kicked out, or received a tart in the face. And no one's been sick on the balcony or out in the hallways—I checked, just so you know, so you owe me. From what I can tell, everyone's actually on their best behaviour this time. Might be us, might be them, but who cares? All in all, another successful Eleia's Feast, I'd say."
"There's been a couple questionable moments, but sure, let's call it successful." Mayr shrugged and flicked his plaited hair over his shoulder. "Though the night's not over yet."
Pellon elbowed Mayr. "Hey, when am I ever going to see your parents at one of these? It's been, what, eleven years? What about your sister?"
"We've been here before." Mayr stared at the ground, scraping his heel across the floor. "No point in reminding my mother of what she can't do. My father has the harvest to worry about. End of summer, remember? As for Estara: I know why you're asking and I'm telling you, there's no chance for you, not ever. She's still married. Even if she weren't, I'd never let her near you."
Pellon held up his hand. "Hey, I'd never bother her. I just like looking, that's it. She's nice. Better than you."
"I'll remember that the next time I schedule duty roster." Mayr scrunched his nose. "I'll find you some place really nice. Like cleaning the Guard House for three months."
"Do that and I'll smother you."
"And risk Ae's wrath? Ha! I'd die just to see it. No, really, I would."
Pellon kicked Mayr in the calf. "Fine, snarly wielder of sarcasm, you win. For now."
"Just how I like it." Mayr pushed off the wall. "I'm going for a walk. You have the room. Try not to do anything fun. Be boring. Blend. Blend."
On a winding path through the ballroom around the groups of guests, Mayr headed for the doorway, catching snippets of conversation he cared little for. He needed air more than the chance to stretch his legs. The celebration was stuffy and more contrived than usual. No matter how hard he tried, he could not catch a deep enough breath. He just wanted to be left alone.
On his way past the balcony, a flash of red caught his attention.
Tash stood alone inside the open door, staring into the night, dressed as he was in the tavern.
Mayr stopped cold.
So many things to say. So many… I can't… We fought… he left… and I let him.
As though sensing Mayr, Tash turned. A restrained smile flashed across his lips before he approached Mayr and stopped.
They said nothing as they stood still, their gazes locked.
What can I say after calling him a liar multiple times then coming to realize I was the actual liar, not just lying to myself but everyone else, too?
Something. Anything.
Mayr cleared his throat. "Enjoying yourself?"
Tash inclined his head. "I can't complain."
"I'm surprised you're here. How did I not see you earlier?"
"I was late, kept by festivities at the Temple. Then I may have purposely hid from your line of sight. But I requested to be here. It's part of what I'm expected to do—bestowing blessings on the hosts and guests and such."
Mayr pointed to the veiled, black-haired priestess sitting at the table. "We already have Priestess Kee. She did the blessings at dinner."
"I know, but the Feast of Eleia the Triumphant is a worthy celebration for a hero. After all, she's considered one of Hastal's most beloved consorts. I wanted to be here."
Really? You came just to celebrate the dead lover of a Goddess? Disappointed, Mayr drew his shoulders back. What was he thinking? Why would Tash come to see him after Mayr's spiteful accusations?
Because he made you believe in hope, that's why. He seemed to understand you, even when you didn't say anything. Without the weight of Sarene's expectations on his mind, Mayr had recalled Tash's words several times every day. Tash had asked Mayr to listen between the words, and he had—just not quickly enough. Not when it mattered.
Since then, he had wanted to apologize, but the words failed him, as had his feet. They're working fine now, though.
"I'm going for a walk outside." Mayr grimaced. He already knew the answer to his next question would be no, but he needed to ask anyway. "Did you want to come along?"
Tash's eyes widened, his face brightening. "I'd love to."
Everything about Tash's response twisted things inside Mayr he never knew he had, choking him. How could he have said yes?
"Great," Mayr said meekly.
Still processing the acceptance, he led Tash out of the house in silence. Words. I need words. As they walked the crude stone pathway around the north side of the house, Mayr reminded himself of the apology he had worked out one night when he felt particularly guilty. The explanation had been good. Polished. Sincere. If he could remember it, he might have the chance to salvage what he had splintered.
Once they reached his favourite spot along the east side of the house, looking out onto the back end of the estate, Mayr stopped to scan the landscape. He often sat where they stood, staring down the long, gradual hill into the wide valley below, a patchwork of fields and a forest that appeared brilliant green in the moonlight. Over the years, he had watched the stars and horizon in the white light of the moon from that spot. Seldom had he shared the space with anyone. Only Aeley and Betta knew how he felt about it.
Almost certain it was where they needed to be right then, Mayr removed his sword belt and laid the weapon down. He pushed aside the vines climbing the grey stone wall and sat with his back against the house. Tash sat beside him. Together they gazed down the hill, their hands resting on their raised knees. Little blue, red, and silver lights flickered in the air like tiny stars. They were diminutive flying creatures Mayr used to catch as a child, with wings as delicate as parchment-thin glass and translucent bodies veined with a multitude of colours.
The silence had to end. He wanted to hear Tash's voice. He wanted to be able to sit in silence without feeling awkward. They could not go on with things left unsaid.
"I'm sorry for everything," Mayr whispered. "I blamed you but it wasn't your fault. Sarene would've left me anyway, with or without your opinion. I already knew our relationship wouldn't change. I knew it the moment she wanted me back. When it was the three of us, I knew it was over, especially with her fawning all over you." He leaned back and glimpsed the stars directly above their heads. "I wanted to believe in more. I wanted to be the lovesick fool I should've been when I'd first met her. But I never was."
With a sigh, he peered at Tash from the corner of his eyes. "Truth is I wanted to believe I loved her. I wanted to really want her, but I never did. I ended up using her, too. Then I lied to myself, convinced she was good for me. I ignored my doubts and the fact I didn't feel much about her. There was nothing real, no deeply felt emotion except the dire need to tell her to stop talking. Day after day, it was just a string of lies. Then you were involved and I couldn't take it. There was too much truth. I was crushed by the weight of it."
Mayr fingered the grass between them, staring at the ground. "I wanted to see you to say all of this, but I couldn't manage it. Every night, I'd commit myself to going right up to you and laying this all out. But come morning, I felt sick. Afraid."
He waited, not sure what to expect as an answer.
Tash played with the chain of his talon ring. "I really did have your interests at heart," he said quietly. "And since we're being honest: I didn't come tonight just to be a priest. I was hoping to see you. I'd thought of visiting again, but worried it was too soon—that you wouldn't want to see my face again. I was afraid you wouldn't trust me or listen to anything I had to say."
Don't we make the pair? Mayr studied Tash's face, tempted to brush Tash's hair over his shoulder to see hi
m better. Maybe there was a chance for them yet.
"One thing you said still confuses me," Mayr admitted. "What did you mean when you said this wasn't part of your plan?"
"It's a priesthood thing. I'm going through for the next level soon, though it's not yet set. I have to do some things before then and complete certain tasks. Prove my worth and how serious I am about committing to it." Tash smiled sadly at Mayr. "That's why I was with Sarene. I was having fun before I have to go through all of that. She offered something that wasn't attachment, just pleasure. Since being an Uldana restricts me from intimacy, I thought it wouldn't hurt."
Tash shook his head. "But I hurt you, and that's not right." He laid one hesitant hand on Mayr's. "I truly am sorry for everything. Sarene made it sound like you were fully into it. Meanwhile, I had the distinct impression you were serious about her even though she was playing you. She's inept and too blind to fully comprehend what she had."
Mayr threw blades of grass toward the hill. "You don't need to apologize. You told me I could get out and I didn't. I'm glad I stayed."
And now for the moment of debilitating truth.
"You asked how I was taking it, what we did, and I didn't answer. Because I couldn't." Mayr sucked in a deep breath. "I didn't know how to answer you, but I've been working it out. I've had a lot of time to figure out my exact reply."
Rising to his knees, Mayr ignored his doubts. Before he lost his courage, he pressed his lips to Tash's, tugging gently on Tash's bottom lip before offering his mouth fully. It felt right. Good. He should have done it before.
Tonight, he would not shy away. His fear of rejection would have to wait.
As Tash gripped his arm and pulled him closer, Mayr's fears dissipated. When Tash's tongue entered Mayr's mouth, tasting and teasing, it sparked deep emotions Mayr had missed. Sincere desire, transcending the relationships he had accepted as all he could have.
Slowly, Mayr broke the kiss, satisfied with Tash's ardent gaze. "Did I tell you that I'm really, really happy you're here?"
Without waiting for Tash's answer, Mayr kissed him hard, wishing Tash could feel what he did. He felt lit up, more than he had in a long time. The relationship with Sarene had become a chore. And before her, it wasn't any different. I felt the same for the other women as I did her. Just going through the motions, telling myself they could be someone I could stay with for the rest of my life so I wouldn't be alone. Convinced they would stay and he would be happy, he had given them everything.
All of it had been foolish desperation.
But Tash offered the things missing from most of Mayr's relationships. Joyful intoxication derived from emotion alone. Breathtaking inspiration that made everything else in his life seem lacklustre. The restored hope that someone could consider him enough. Whenever Tash asked about him, his concern sounded genuine. In the smallest action, there was more care and respect than any of Mayr's girlfriends had shown him. The idea of being with Tash was both thrilling and terrifying, but deep down in his tainted core, he needed it.
"I'm hoping that answers your question," Mayr murmured. "Otherwise, it's going to take me a while to convince you, and I still have things to do tonight."
Tash leaned his forehead against Mayr's. "No, you've made it clear. I won't ask again."
"Then I've got a question for you."
"Anything."
"If I said I wanted to see where this could go, what would you say?"
Lips traveled up Mayr's jaw and kissed a path to his brow. Arms encircled his waist, holding him upright against Tash's side. "Yes," Tash whispered against his temple.
The breathy reply wreaked havoc on Mayr's body. A shiver shot through him from the back of his neck to his feet. To feel Tash's interest was one thing; hearing it was another. They were worth every night he had agonized over an apology.
"I have to get back to the feast." Mayr tilted his head. "Do you have a curfew? Do the other priests lock you up if you come home late?"
Tash chuckled. "No. That's only for the Metahs. I'm free to do as I please. Why?"
"If you stay, we could spend time together after the feast is over. Maybe finally get around to knowing each other better?"
"Considering I came here mostly for you… there's no place I'd rather be."
"Also known as yes."
"Yes."
And with one word, hope trounced Mayr's fear into submission.
*~*~*
For the last time that night, Mayr flashed a well-rehearsed, fake smile to a guest as they closed the door to their chambers. Those who needed to stay overnight were finally in their rooms, releasing Mayr from the burden of ensuring they made it safely up the staircases without crushing Haydin with their drunken weight or tumbling down the stairs.
Almost finished for the night, Mayr strolled through the corridors. One last round to determine everyone was where they should be, and then he would retire and allow the night watch to take over. If they valued their legs, he had told the guards, they would not bother him until morning. Unless the estate was on fire, under siege, or someone was being murdered, he was not to be interrupted. They could annoy Pellon with the rest. He's next in command, anyway. Always says I should give him more to do, so there, I've achieved two things at once.
The house was on its way to being quiet. Suggestive sounds came from the bedrooms. Household staff cleaned the ballroom with muffled noise. Guards shuffled through the hallways. Torches had been snuffed out selectively, allowing the darkness to seep in. All was peaceful, just as he preferred.
If he could only find Tash, he would find a peace of his own.
He had lost sight of Tash in the ballroom before escorting guests upstairs. Now, Tash was missing. Perplexed, Mayr checked the foyer, dining room, meeting room, study, kitchen, and every open space on the main level. On his way outside, he passed the conservatory and stopped. The doors were ajar when they should have been closed. As he peeked through the narrow opening into the moonlit room, he recognized red cloth.
"So now you're hiding." Mayr slipped inside and locked the doors. "Or were you just making me work for it?"
Tash spun away from the enclosed pool of water that rose up from the centre of the room. "Whichever one you prefer." He gestured to the plants on the ground and up the walls. "I came for the plants, actually. I don't know why, but they've always made me feel calm. Always made me feel… closer."
"To?"
"Everything?" From the way Tash lowered his head, Mayr wondered if a blush coloured Tash's face. "I'd hate to bore you with the rest of that answer. Perhaps we'll just say the Goddesses and leave it at that?"
"Or you don't have to. I understand more than you think." Mayr stepped toward Tash on the white and silvery-blue marbled path, careful to avoid the flowerbeds and vines spilling in his way. He pointed to the glass ceiling and glimpsed the silver moon before it disappeared behind a cloud. "Built by Aeley's ancestor, generations back. Actually, it was the same man who built the first stage of this estate. It used to be just the Guard House out to the west side, but once the family started bringing in more wealth, he expanded and had this house built. Apparently he liked this room, too." Mayr stopped before Tash, the toes of their boots touching. "But you didn't come here to discuss architecture and history, did you?"
"Not really, no," Tash answered, pulling Mayr in for a long kiss. From his lips flowed a gentle passion; his touch was heavy with desire. With an even, slow breath in, he took them deeper, his fingers creeping up Mayr's neck to slide into his hair and keep him close.
When they parted, Mayr inhaled quickly. Each time they kissed, he wanted to linger and feel each movement of Tash's lips. He wanted to taste Tash, all of him, and drink in every moan, every sigh, every drop of his essence as though everything else tasted like sawdust and Tash the only sweetness. It reminded him of their first kiss, the cautious innocence replaced by confident understanding.
"I have an idea. A game, if you're willing." Tash played with the wisps of hair curled around Mayr's
nape. "A way we could learn about one another and enjoy ourselves at the same time. Nothing strenuous."
"And that would be…?"
"Each of us takes turns choosing the topic and posing the question. Both must answer the question, seriously and fully. For every such answer, the other gets to choose a piece of clothing to be removed."
"Until naked, I presume?"
"If you'd like. Or we can call a stop partway if you're—"
Mayr pulled Tash against him, hard, and clenched Tash's waist. "No. No partway, no halfway. If you're talking everything, I'm in." He nuzzled Tash's ear, letting a breath slip across his skin. Tash's body tensed in response and drew closer. "I didn't lock the door for nothing."
Tash laughed, easing a small space between them. "I figured you'd say that. Which of us wants to begin?"
"Wants or should?" Mayr tilted his head. "He who came up with the idea ought to start first—unless you want me to delay taking my clothes off?"
"Not in the least." Tash's eyes narrowed. "I didn't come in here for nothing."
"And the truth comes out."
"Be careful what you ask for."
"Oh, no, I know. I'm bracing myself. Do your best, I dare you."
"Are you sure you want to dare a priest? Truly?"
"What? It seems like efficient bait. So go on. Ask your question."
"Fine, I'll meet that challenge." Tash regarded Mayr with a hint of suspicion. "The topic is family. Will you tell me about them?"
Mayr sucked in a breath. And here I thought he'd ask an easy one. Why had he not expected it? "They live outside the village, actually, on a farm. Well, my parents do. The twins live nearby." His glance drifted to the floor. "Renett and Malary—those are my parents. Mother runs the family and Father runs the farm. My sister, Estara, is married and has a couple kids. My brother, Loftin, is also married. His son, we're pretty sure, will be the death of us. Alith's a handful on the good days."
"And where are you in all of that? Older or younger?"
"Hey, that's more than one question," Mayr teased, forcing a smile through his guilt. "I shouldn't answer that. I should get to remove something extra of yours as penalty."
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