To Find Her Place

by Susan Anne Mason

  He brushed a few pieces of hay from his sleeve. “It’s not. Unfortunately, it’s also . . . dangerous.” A film of perspiration formed on his forehead. He’d only ever told Cassie and his parents the full extent of his injuries.

  “Dangerous?” The glow from the nearby lantern reflected twin golden spheres in her wide eyes. “How so?”

  Children’s giggles drifted over to them, accompanied by the bleats of the goats. It seemed wrong to be discussing something so serious on what was supposed to be a day of thanksgiving. But now that he’d started, he might as well continue.

  “It’s possible that the shrapnel could shift and . . . damage my spine.” He moved over to pat Elliott’s long snout so Jane wouldn’t read the true gravity of the situation on his face.

  “That’s why you have to be so careful,” she said. “To keep from jarring it.”

  He nodded.

  “What would happen if it did move?” Her voice wasn’t much above a whisper, yet he sensed the fear in her words.

  Trust Jane to ask the one question he’d hoped to avoid.

  “Garrett?” She reached over to still his hand on the horse’s nose.

  With a sigh, he turned around. “It could cause paralysis.”

  Her mouth fell open. “Isn’t there anything they can do? An operation or something?”

  “Afraid not. Not one worth the risk in my doctor’s mind.” An opinion Garrett happened to agree with. “No more bronco riding for me, I guess.” He forced out a laugh, hoping she’d take his cue and lighten the mood.

  Instead, she wrapped her arms around his waist and laid her head against his chest. “Oh, Garrett. I’m so sorry.”

  He closed his eyes, his arms automatically encircling her, drinking in her comfort. She had to be able to hear the erratic beat of his heart beneath her ear, feel the catch of his breath in his lungs. When would the reality hit her that he was damaged goods? He should never have kissed her, never dragged her into his orbit when he knew it was futile.

  Before he got too comfortable in her embrace, he gently set her away from him, distressed to see moisture glittering in her eyes. “Hey, it’s not that bad. I’m alive and able to lead a relatively normal life. It could have been a lot worse.” He thumbed a tear from her lashes. “Let’s go see what the kids are doing to those poor animals.”

  Anything to bring a smile back to her face. And if baby goats couldn’t do that, nothing could.

  23

  Jane did her best to enjoy the antics of the children as they fed the goats, yet her mind whirled with all that Garrett had told her. How did he live with such uncertainty, knowing that one slip of the metal inside him could relegate him to a wheelchair for the rest of his life?

  “Time to head back,” Garrett finally announced.

  A flurry of activity ensued as the children bid the animals good-night. The boys raced each other back to the house while Garrett carried Mandy.

  If they’d been alone, Jane might have been tempted to take his hand. Show him that he could lean on her for support. She suspected he’d trusted her with information that not many people were privy to.

  Cassie met them on the porch. “Jane, I don’t want to worry you, but your mother took a bit of a bad turn, and now she seems to have fallen asleep.”

  Alarm burst through Jane’s system. Why had she left her mother for so long? She sprinted inside the house and straight into the living room. Her mother was lying on the couch, her eyes closed, a blanket over her. “Mama?” Oh please, Lord, no. Not when we’re so far away from a hospital.

  Seated on a chair near her, Sarah got to her feet. “She’s all right, Jane. She had a bit of a dizzy spell and became a little fatigued, so I suggested she lie down.”

  “Thank you. That was smart.” Jane took her mother’s hand and felt for the pulse at her wrist. It was weak but not as bad as it could be. Yet Mama’s breathing was shallow, a sign that she wasn’t getting enough oxygen. Jane pulled the blanket up a little higher, worry spiking through her. With her mother in this state, the long car ride home would be too much for her. Why hadn’t Jane thought of that and insisted on leaving earlier?

  Because I was too preoccupied with Garrett, that’s why.

  Sarah laid a hand on her shoulder. “Why don’t you both stay the night? We have plenty of room. That way Hildie can get a good sleep, and you can leave in the morning.”

  “Mom’s right.” Garrett came into the room.

  “I don’t know. . . .” Jane hated to put the Wilders to any trouble. Hated to be an imposition. But what option did she really have?

  “Cassie’s already offered to bunk in with the kids. You and your mother can take her room.” Garrett’s whole demeanor exuded steady calmness.

  Jane’s gaze darted to the hallway. “Mama can’t climb the stairs.”

  “It’s no problem. I’ll carry her up.” Garrett kept his attention on Jane, poised to act.

  As soon as she gave a reluctant nod, Garrett moved across the room to gently lift Mama into his arms as though she weighed nothing. She barely stirred, which was both a good sign and a bad one.

  Jane trailed behind as he carried Mama up the main staircase to one of the bedrooms. He waited inside the door while Jane pulled back the quilt on one of the twin beds, then he set Mama down with great care.

  Jane swiftly removed her mother’s shoes and settled the blankets over her. Only the faint rise and fall of Mama’s chest gave Jane any comfort. She straightened and looked over at Garrett. “Thank you. I know it’s still early, but I’ll just sit with her for a while to make sure she’s all right.”

  “Sure.” He pulled a ladder-back chair from the corner and placed it by the bed. “Let me know if you need anything else. I’ll be out helping my dad with a few evening chores, but it won’t take long.” He stopped by the door. “My room’s right across the hall. If you think Hildie needs a doctor, I want you to wake me up, no matter what time it is.”

  Her throat tightened. “That’s very generous of you. I’m sorry to be such a bother.”

  “You’re no bother, Jane. You don’t have to handle this alone.”

  She pressed her lips together, desperate to shove all her unwanted emotions down deep where they belonged. With a quick nod, she took a seat on the chair to keep watch.

  Half an hour later, when Jane was assured her mother was sleeping peacefully and that her breathing had returned to normal, she made her way to the kitchen. She would take up a glass of water for Mama, who often woke in the night with a dry mouth.

  A small lamp glowed on the counter, but the room appeared deserted. Grateful that she knew where the glasses were kept after watching Garrett put them away, she opened the appropriate cupboard and took out the smallest glass.

  “How’s Hildie doing?” Sarah’s soft voice came from the kitchen table.

  Jane looked over in surprise. “Sarah, I didn’t see you there. Mama’s sleeping comfortably. Thank you again for suggesting we stay. I think it’s best for her.”

  “No trouble at all. Will you join me for a cup of chamomile tea? The kettle should still be hot.”

  “Thanks, but no.” She pulled out a chair. “I’ll sit with you for a few minutes, though, if that’s all right.”

  “Sure. I’d love the company.”

  Jane sat down with a sigh. It had been a long day, but she had something she wanted to discuss with Sarah. “I hoped to have a chance to talk to you about Martin.” She scanned the kitchen and the area in the hall to make sure he wasn’t around.

  “Don’t worry. The kids are upstairs with Cassie. What do you want to know?”

  “How is he fitting in? Is he behaving?”

  “Ever since we established a few ground rules, he’s been fine.” Tiny lines crinkled around Sarah’s eyes. “It certainly helps that being outdoors so much uses up a lot of energy.”

  “What about schooling?”

  “He goes with the kids. Since he’s in the same grade as Kevin, he seems keen to go. And so far we haven�
��t had any negative feedback from the teacher.”

  Jane let out a breath. “That’s good news. He certainly seems happier than I’ve seen him in a long time.”

  Sarah set her cup down. “He’s important to you, isn’t he?”

  “He is. I’ve been his caseworker since he was two years old. I can’t help feeling I’ve failed him.” She swallowed hard.

  Sarah’s hand covered hers. “From what Garrett’s told me, you’ve been trying your best.”

  “Somehow it doesn’t seem enough.”

  They sat in silence for a few seconds until Jane got the nerve to broach the question that had been on her mind for a while. “Sarah, is there any chance you and Ben might consider adopting him permanently?” Even though she’d already asked Garrett, Jane needed to hear the answer from his mother herself.

  Sarah gave her a sympathetic look and sighed. “If circumstances were different, I’d say yes without hesitation. But right now, with Cassie and the kids here and with the farm in such a precarious financial state, I know Ben will say it’s not feasible to take on the responsibility of raising another child.” She shook her head. “Not that I wouldn’t love to give him the home he deserves.”

  The air in Jane’s lungs seemed to leak away, leaving her hollow inside. She blinked to clear her vision. “I understand.”

  “Maybe if Garrett gets the director’s job, things might change.”

  Jane frowned. “What does that have to do with the farm?”

  “I thought he’d have told you.” Sarah’s fair brows rose. “Garrett sends whatever money he can home to us, keeping only enough for his room and board in Toronto. If he gets this job, it will mean a raise and a secure income, as opposed to the sporadic jobs he’s had since he got home from the war.”

  Jane sank back on her chair. She’d never realized one of the main reasons Garrett wanted the director’s position was to be able to give his family more financial help—help they clearly needed.

  “This job opportunity seems heaven-sent for several reasons,” Sarah continued. “Garrett has a true spirit for helping children, and this job would allow him to do that. But mainly it’s a good fit because he can’t do the heavy farmwork anymore, which is a struggle for him. All he ever wanted to do was work in partnership with Ben.”

  “Garrett told me about the shrapnel,” Jane said quietly. “I can’t imagine how hard it is to live with that.”

  Sarah nodded. “I want him to see a specialist to determine if anything can be done, but there’s a long waiting list.” She looked up. “The piece by his spine is bad enough, but it’s the one near his heart that worries me the most.”

  “Near his heart?” A cold pit opened in Jane’s stomach.

  “Mother.” The harsh voice came from the doorway. Garrett stood glaring at Sarah, sweat glistening on his forehead.

  “I’m sorry, Garrett. I thought . . . Jane said you told her about the shrapnel.” The anguish on Sarah’s face squeezed a fresh wave of anxiety through Jane.

  She rose and went to face Garrett. “Why didn’t you tell me the whole story?”

  He stalked over to the icebox, grabbed out a pitcher of lemonade, and poured himself a glass. Then, without answering, he drained it.

  Sarah gave Garrett an apologetic glance and stood up. “I’ll leave you two to talk. Sleep well, Jane. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  With Sarah’s departure, a strained silence fell over the room. Jane leaned against the wall, waiting to see how Garrett would respond. She tried to see it from his perspective. Maybe he’d planned to reveal the news a bit at a time, to soften the blow, so to speak.

  He stood at the counter, his hands clenched into fists. At last, he expelled a loud breath and turned to face her. “I know I should have told you about both pieces of shrapnel. But it’s hard enough to admit I could be dealing with paralysis. Facing death is a whole new level of gravity.” He shook his head. “And I hate being the object of people’s pity.”

  A band of sorrow tightened around her chest. “I don’t pity you, Garrett. I have sympathy for you. That’s very different.”

  “It doesn’t feel different.” He raked a hand through his hair. “This . . . condition has made me feel useless, feeble, not in control of my life. I thought I’d made peace with it all, knowing how lucky I was to still be alive. I’d resigned myself to living a life alone, hopefully in the service of others, so that, in some small way, my life would have meaning.” He raised haggard eyes to hers. “And then I met you.”

  Her lungs ceased working as he took a step toward her. She should leave, flee from the explosion of feelings rioting through her. But her feet remained rooted to the wooden floorboards.

  “My heart,” he continued, still staring at her, “the one I’d safely cordoned off for my own good, began to beat a new, exciting tempo, one I couldn’t ignore. For the first time since I returned from the war, I railed against God for leaving me in this condition, because you make me want to live fully again.”

  He moved closer. Close enough that she could feel the heat radiating from his body. He raised a hand to her cheek. Searching her face, he seemed to wait for her to move away. But she remained transfixed by the longing in his eyes, torn by her own yearning for him. Yet, there were things she needed to say as well.

  “I know all about feeling useless,” she whispered. “After two miscarriages and being told I couldn’t carry a baby to term, followed by my husband leaving me, I felt broken inside. Painfully aware that no man would want a divorced woman, especially one incapable of having children. I thought I’d lost my one chance at happiness and resigned myself to being alone for the rest of my life.”

  He studied her in silence for several seconds, his expression dark. “Is that why Donald left you?”

  She nodded. “The second miscarriage happened when my pregnancy was further along. Losing our son was devastating for both of us. Donald couldn’t accept the doctor’s prognosis that I wouldn’t be able to give him a child, and he refused to consider adoption.” A hard breath shuddered out of her. “When he left me, I felt unwanted. Worthless. Nothing more than damaged goods.”

  A growl rumbled up from his chest. “You’re not damaged, Jane. You’re beautiful, inside and out. Any man would be lucky to have you.”

  With that, he leaned forward and slowly brought his mouth to hers. His insistent lips coaxed a response from her until she could no longer resist him. With a small cry, she wrapped her arms around him and kissed him back. He pulled her closer, and the combined sound of their heartbeats echoed in her head. Tremors of electricity traveled the length of her body, igniting every nerve ending within her. She buried her face in his neck, relishing the scent of soap and hay, as the truth became evident. Her feelings for this man were too strong to ignore. Too thrilling to turn away from. If he felt the same, despite all he knew about her, who was she to reject him?

  Garrett pressed his face into the softness of Jane’s thick hair. His heart swelled with a rush of such fierce love that he wasn’t sure how to contain it. Yet all the while his head screamed at him. You’re being selfish. What type of life can you offer her?

  On a loud exhale, he moved away from her. “You deserve so much more than a man who could end up paralyzed, or worse yet, die without warning.”

  A shudder went through her. “And you deserve a woman who can give you the children I know you’d love.”

  He leaned his forehead against hers. “So, what do we do now?”

  “I-I’m not sure.”

  “It won’t be easy, but I’ll back away from you, if that’s what you want, Jane. I mean it this time.”

  “To be honest, I don’t know what I want. My head and my heart are saying two different things.” She sighed. “And there’s still the issue of the director’s job standing between us.”

  His immediate thought was to take himself out of the running. However, even if he did, there was no guarantee the board would give Jane the position.

  “Why don’t we take
some time to think about it?” He managed to force his lips into a smile. “Pray about it. Discern what God has in store for us.”

  A flood of relief washed over her features. “That sounds sensible. In the meantime, we’ll remain strictly professional at work. Agreed?”

  His chest tightened. Why did this sound as if she was already regretting his declaration? But she made a valid point. The last thing either of them needed, especially Jane, was any whisper of impropriety in the workplace. Neither of them would get the job then. “Agreed.”

  “Well, I should get back to Mama and make sure she’s still sleeping.”

  “Of course.” He tried to ignore the pang of disappointment that twisted inside him at the thought of not being around her, even for just a short time.

  “Before I go, would you do something for me?” She looked up at him, raw uncertainty on her face.

  “Sure. Name it. Whatever you need.”

  Her brows rose slightly. “Would you mind . . . kissing me again?”

  Warmth spread through his chest, and he grinned. “I wouldn’t mind in the least.”

  Maybe she wasn’t quite so ready to distance herself from him after all.

  24

  Back at work on Tuesday morning, Jane gave thanks to God for the many blessings she and her mother had received over the weekend. Getting to experience a true family Thanksgiving with wonderful people like the Wilders had been an unexpected gift.

  Garrett’s kisses had also been unexpected in the most wonderful way. Her stomach fluttered just thinking about his lips on hers. The strength of his arms around her. The heat in his eyes.

  She shook her head to rid herself of memories that were much too distracting when she needed to focus on her work. Thankfully, Mama was feeling better today after resting most of holiday Monday once they’d returned from the farm, which meant Jane could come into the office with a clear conscience.

  A knock sounded on her door.

  Right away her heart thumped to life in her chest. After silently admonishing herself to behave in a professional manner if it was Garrett, she said, “Come in.”