Screwed Up

by Amy Sparks

  "Sorry Mr. Brown, but I need to talk to Genesis first. You may come in after when we're done okay?" Matthew has this mad look on his face and then nods.

  "I'll be right outside if you need me, Genesis, okay?" I nod and he opens the door and then closes it. I take a deep breath and let it out. I cross my legs and look at Mr. Tompelson and all he does is sigh. He leans back in his chair and begins talking.

  "Genesis, what happened?" I look down and then look up.

  "Look Mr. Tompelson, I did start the fight, but I didn't start it. This girl was laughing at Matthew and me... and I got mad. I was just talking to her until she finally got on my nerves and I uh... jumped on her and attacked her..." Mr. Tompelson just shakes his head and puts his hands on his desk.

  "Now let me get this straight, you attacked her because she said something. Now, what did she say that got on your nerves, Ms. Swan?" He says and I think about how I'm gonna answer this.

  "She said I was depressed," I whisper under my breath and Mr. Tompelson just sighs and leans back in his chair. I know for sure he doesn't know what to say, and neither do I.

  "Ms. Swan, are you depressed?" I lean back into my chair and think about the question he just asked me. I wanna die, but I don't feel sad about life. I just feel stupid for living in this pity life we call the world.

  "Maybe. I don't know okay? I. Don't. Know." I touch my cheek and I wince at the touch. The pain is F(ing) hard and it's making me mad that I didn't actually punch her.

  "Well Miss Swan, if you are, then that's a problem. I will write down some of the groups that are here at school that can actually help you, Genesis. I won't expel you or anything, I won't even tell your parents, but this is the last straw okay? Please, just let us help you. Let me help you." I nod slowly and listen to what he's saying. Help. I will get help from people who don't even know what I'm feeling right now. Yeah, that's great... Mr. Tompelson rips a piece of paper and hands it to me. I take it and look at what he has just written on it. It says some of the times that the groups are at this school and what rooms they are in. Yeah, now I hate life. I get up and put the paper in my back pocket of my jeans. As I turn around I hear Mr. Tompelson calling my name.

  "Genesis, depression is not just a feeling, it's an act too in life." I nod and I open the door and close it softly. What just happened. I turn around and I see Matthew standing up and looking at me.

  "What happened?" He says in a mad tone and I just shake my head.

  "I'm depressed, Matthew. Depressed." I say in whispers and I can feel the tears coming. Matthew comes up to me and hugs me. Now, this would be the time where I would love his hugs but now I just wanna push him away from me and warn him about me.

  "We'll go through this together Genesis. It's okay." He says and I let go of him and take a step back.

  "We're not in this together Matt. I'm the only one in this. I'm depressed, you're not. You gotta get away from me before I mess you up too." Matthew's face is full of confusion and sadness and that's when the tears come out. Oh crap. I wipe them away and walk away from him and open the doors of the school and I walk away from this. From all of this. I can hear Matthew calling my name and it only makes me even madder.

  "Get away from me Matt. I'm crazy. I'm somehow depressed!" I yell and I then realize that I have no car to drive me home. Crap. I guess I'm walking home then. As I walk out of the parking lot Matthew grabs my hand and looks straight into my eyes.

  "You are not leaving me. Not now Genesis. After what we've been through." I let go and walk away.

  "It's a crush, Matt. Nothing else." I know for sure that Matthew is done talking to me and is now mad since I just called our little "love" a crush. I walk away from him and I wanna cry and just fall to the ground and die. Depressed. I'm depressed. Me. I continue to cry and walk home as I do that. I check my phone and I've only been walking for about five minutes. I'm close to my neighborhood and I fill with relief. I walk for about another five minutes and I'm finally at my house. Both of my parents aren't home with fills me with relief. I grab my key out of my pocket and I unlock the door. I rush into the house and then slam the door and lock it. I slide down onto the ground and I cry. I cry so much that I'm actually making puddles. I cry until I can't cry anymore and I pick myself up and I go upstairs to my room and I slam the door. I take my clothes off and put on my pajamas and I put my phone on my dresser and I turn around to look at myself in the mirror. I flinch as I see this big bruise on my right cheek and it scares me. I cover it with my hair but I can still see it and feel it. I open the covers and I go to my bed and I pull the covers on top of me. Depression. Me. I'm depressed, and there's nothing I can do about it. I close my eyes and I bring the covers on top of my head and I dream. My dreams about death scare me now since this could actually come true. Depression. Me. I'm depressed, and there's nothing I can do about it.

  Chapter Eleven

  I wake up with a beating of a headache and a pain throughout my whole body. Great. I check the time and it's one in the afternoon. Wait... what?! I get up right away and that only makes my head hurt more. I walk all the way to my mirror and check on my cheek. Yeah, it looks bad. The bruise turned purple of course and somehow my eye is black. Why me? Just why? I check my vision to see if it's not messed up and it's perfectly fine. Thank god. I open my bedroom door and I make way downstairs. My parents are somehow not even hear and it scares me until I find a note on the kitchen table.

  Genesis, your dad and I saw that you weren't feeling well so we left you alone so you could sleep. Don't worry, we called the school and you're staying home. Hope you feel better! -mom and dad.

  Okay... somehow I'm sick but I'm actually depressed. Yeah, let's pretend I'm "sick" today. I put the note back on the table and I go for the fridge. I grab the orange juice carton and I pour myself a glass of OJ. I drink the whole thing in a second and I then put the glass in the sink. I look out the window and it's somewhat sunny but I know for sure that's it's cold. Yeah, you're not fooling me mother nature. I go back upstairs and I check my phone. Not even one text from Matthew and that annoys me. Yeah yeah, I know that I told him that I never really liked him and all of that, but that was a joke. To me. Ugh crap, I'm an idiot. I grab a hoodie out of my closet and I just put that on top of my pajama shirt. I grab some long socks and I wear them. I then grab some plaid pajamas too because the pajamas I'm wearing are just short shorts that are making my legs cold. Damn, do my parents even put the heat on? I grab my phone and I go downstairs and I check the thermostat. The heater is on but I put the heat higher so the whole house can actually feel like an oven. I then grab an apple and I put on my Adidas shoes. I grab my keys and I open the front door and then lock it as soon as I'm outside. I breathe in the cold air and I let it all out. I walk to my car and I get right in and I start driving right away from my house. I drive to the grocery market because first I gotta buy some food. I lock my car and I walk to the grocery store and I grab a basket so I can put the food in. I put my hood on and I cover half of my face with my hair so no one can see that I've not been abused or something. I throughout the store and I grab some bags of chips, ice cream and lots of boxes filled with Oreos. Yummy. I'm looking for something to drink and that's when it hits me. I grab some cans of beer and that's when I figure that I'm done and hungry now. I go to the cash register to pay for all my stuff and that's when I look up and almost scream. Matthew. I take a step back and I bang into a little girl. I turn quickly around and I apologize to her with a smile. She smiles back and that somehow makes my day, but back to Matthew. What the hell is he doing here?! Does he work here or something?! I take a deep breath and I turn around to face whatever he's gonna say to me.

  "Hey..." I say and all he does is roll his eyes. Great, now I'm the bad guy? He scans my items and does whatever some cash register does at this place. He's rich though! Why in the hell is he working at a dump like this one? He scans the beer cans and sighs.

  "Genesis, really?" I put on a straight face and wait for him to scan them. He jus
t sighs and scans the beer cans and turns around to put all the items in a bag. I then remember that I needed to buy something before I die and before I leave this shitty place. Matthew turns around and gives me the bag. I pull out my wallet and hold it for a second so he can give me something that I want, or else, I'm not paying this shit.

  "I also want a pack of cigarettes, please," I say and Matthew gives me some death stare.

  "No way in hell am I gonna give you a pack of cigarettes Genesis. You're underage too!" He's almost yelling and this is a store. I cross my arms and I take my hood off and I tie my hair. I'm sweating right now and I wanna see the pain that's across my cheek. His eyes widen and he comes closer to touch it but I turn back.

  "Give me the pack. Now. Or else I'm not paying." Matthew doesn't even move and so I don't either. Two can play this game, and I'm gonna win. I will so win.

  "Genesis, why in the hell do you wanna smoke? Even now since you just were in the hospital like last week and you just got in trouble yesterday. Give me a good reason and I might just give it to you." I see the pack of cigarettes behind him and so I reach over the counter and grab them and I put them on the counter.

  "Death Matthew. Death is my only answer and depression is the reason for it. Now scan it and let me pay." Matthew sighs and he scans the pack and gives it to me. I open my wallet and pull out a couple of twenty dollar bills and I hand it to him. He puts them in the cash register and hands me a five.

  "Bye Matthew," I say in a whisper and he stops me from grabbing my arm.

  "Genesis, will I see you tomorrow?" He says and I wanna cry but I'm too strong to do that. The truth is what he needs, and that's what I'm gonna tell him.

  "No Matthew. Not even the day before that. Not even next week. I hope you understand and I'm sorry. Don't forget though, I do love you and I'll always do. I hope you feel the same thing even when I'm gone." Those words leave my mouth and I quickly rush out of the store and to my car. I put the bags in the trunk and open the car door so I can drive away from this place. I start the car and I back out of the spot and I leave the store to go home and enjoy the life I'm spending right now. Death awaits me, and I wait for it too. I drive all the way home and I park my car in the driveway. I take the bags out of the trunk and lock the car. I unlock the front door and I throw the bags in and all myself too. While I lock the front door I can feel the heater is on because it's a bit like a sauna in here. I turn down the temperature and I grab the bag and take it all the way to the living room. I turn on the TV and I flop on the couch while grabbing a bag of ketchup chips and a box of Oreos. I get a handle of chips and throw them in my mouth and munch them while I open the box of Oreos and throw a couple of them in my mouth too. My mouth is honestly filled with delicious garbage as I'm watching some stupid looney toons here like I'm some child. Which I kind of am. I grab the bag and I look inside it for the pack of cigarettes and that's when I'm triggered. The pack is not even in the damn bag! I'm fuming throughout my whole body and that's when I need to do something about it. I shut the TV off and I take the snacks and put them in the bag so that if my parents come home, they won't ground me for leaving snacks in the living room. I grab my keys and make way to the door and slam it as I'm outside. That stupid Matthew is gonna pay... Hard. I get in my car and slam the door as hard as I can. If he thinks he's not gonna let me die, then he is wrong. I am gonna die and it's gonna be today. First I need my cigarettes though. I drive to Matthew's house and I honestly speed. I even speed through the stop signs and I didn't really care. No one saw me so I can do whatever I want. It's almost three and he better be at home or else I'm chasing him through the store. I stop in front of his house and park my car in front of it too. I run up to his big ass house and I ring the doorbell about ten times. He's gonna get so annoyed but I don't care. I don't even think his parents are home so I won't get yelled at from them. I'm about to knock on the door and I almost fall down as Matthew opens the door at that moment. He's wearing a hoodie and a pair of sweats and his hair looks wet. He must've taken a shower. I shake my head and remember why I'm actually here. Oh right... The damn cigarettes!

  "Matthew, give me the cigarettes. Now." I say and he just shakes his head. Oh, he's gonna get killed soon.

  "Yeah no. Wanna come in?" I'm in full surprise right now and I wanna murder him.

  "No Matthew. I don't want to "come in". I want the damn cigarettes and I wanna go home now so I can end my life. Now, give them." Matthew still shakes his head and doesn't even move.

  "Yeah, that's not happening." He says and that's when I push him and come in his house. His stupid, dumb house. I go all the way upstairs to his room and I check around his room to see where the hell they even are. I check on his dresser, the bed, inside the drawers and in his closet. I check inside his bag and I only find stupid binders and notes. Ugh!

  "You know, this is kind of silly how you're checking around my room to find them, but you don't really know that I honestly didn't even bring them here." I can feel my heart shatter into tiny pieces and I suddenly really wanna kill him. I turn slowly around and I give him the death stare.

  "You left them?!" I say and he just nods and I wanna kill him. I walk past him and I rush downstairs into his kitchen. I open a drawer and that's when I see it. A knife. A butcher knife. Now look, this is honestly crazy, but this is what happens when someone messes with me. I'm not really gonna stab myself, I just want him to know that consequence of this. I pick the knife up and I point it at my neck.

  "Genesis stop! What the hell are you doing????" He says and all I do to scare him, even more, is I bring the knife even closer to my neck.

  "Death is honestly funny Matthew. Depression is even funnier. Now, you can give me the damn pack and I'll put the knife down." I say and Matthew walks closer but I just bring the knife even closer. He's stuttering and that's when he puts his hand in his pocket and pulls out the pack of cigarettes. My cigarettes. I put my hand out and I wait for him to put the pack in my palm so I can finally put the knife down and smoke. He walks slowly and puts the pack in my palm. I grab it right away and I put the knife down slowly. Now that was thrilling.

  "Your crazy Genesis." He says and I just laugh and open the pack. I pull out a cigarette and put it in between my lips.

  "Nah, Matthew. I'm just depressed." I say and I walk out the kitchen like I rule the world. My world. As I almost open the door I just realized something. There is no way in hell am I gonna die as a virgin, and I am here. I turn around and pull the cigarette out of my mouth. Matthew is facing me and he looks frightened and sad because of me. Yeah, well so am I.

  "Can you do something for me before I die?" I say and he fakes a laugh. He walks closer to me and honestly, he's seriously hot.

  "What? Buy you a gun?" I laugh and think about how gross it would be if I shot myself. No way am I doing that.

  "Nah. Just, take my virginity away?" Matthew's eyes bulge and I might've just regretted this. Ugh, this just sounds so stupid yet I don't want to die a virgin. That's just sad.

  "You're scaring me, Genesis." I laugh and go on my tippy-toes to kiss him on the lips.

  "Yeah well, that's who I am. You did promise though." He nods slowly and I nod with him. Yeah, this might happen.

  "You need to promise me something then too." I nod right away and wait for what he's gonna say. Hoping it's gonna be something easy that I can promise too and actually keep that promise. He puts his hand on my back and pulls me closer.

  "I'll promise because I actually love you, but you need to promise that you won't die. Or else, I'm not doing it. Get yourself another guy to do this job." He says and I'm confused. Would I actually promise my entire life to this guy? Not kill me just so I can lose my virginity to him? That sounds so stupid, but I have no other idea of what else to do.

  "I won't die today. I won't die tomorrow and I won't die next week. I'll die someday though, and it will happen." He better agree to this because that's as far as I will go. Matthew has his thinking face on and I'm waiting for a re
sponse.

  "Fine. You crazy girl." He says as he picks me up and kisses me on my lips. Yeah, I'm crazy, but so is he for agreeing to do this. Love is honestly crazy, but guess what? So are we.

  Chapter Twelve

  I'm not a virgin anymore, and it's scaring me. I'm lying on Matthew's bed with him of course right beside me, and we're covered with twisted sheets. Of course, we're naked underneath, but eh, it's not the worst thing I've done in my life. My head is resting on Matthew's chest and if my parents ever knew what on earth I just did, they might actually kill me. Honestly, though, it was everything I thought it would be. Pain, love, pain, love. Eh, what can you do? At least we used protection though so we're fine. Meaning I'm fine since guys can't get pregnant and girls have to go through all this hard work just because of not using protection. Sheesh. I wanted Matthew to be my first, and I'm really happy that he was.

  "So, what now?" His voice creeps through my brain and I return back to reality.

  "I don't know. Death?" Matthew sighs and rubs my back. I wanna cry since I'm leaving him in this world, but it's what's best. I'm only gonna make him crazy and depressed just like me, and that would just be horrible. The world doesn't need a depressing couple of anything you know. Death awaits me, as I do too. I stand up and grab the sheets so it can cover me and because I'm honestly freaking cold.

  "I don't want you to leave Genesis. I love you." His words make me cry and somehow now I can't stop crying. Matthew pulls me close and I hug him as hard as I can. Life sucks sometimes, but there's nothing you can do about it.

  "I love you too," I say and I'm surprised how easy I say those words without overthinking it. I love Matthew, and he loves me. Is this a dream or what? I begin to laugh how someone actually loves me in this world, and I'm not making them or bribing them to actually love me.