Not Broken Anymore

by Tawdra Kandle

  My blood was on the edge of boiling. Not for the first time, it occurred to me that if Matt Lampert wasn’t already dead, I’d be very tempted to kill him. I realized my hands had fisted, and I made a conscious effort to relax my fingers. Getting angry at a dead man wasn’t going to help Gia now.

  “I thought it was a one-night stand. A hook-up. But then . . . Matt started texting me when I was back at school, and when he heard that Quinn was coming back down, he asked if I’d come with her. We sort of fell into a pattern, where I’d ride with Quinn, spend a night or two with Matt and then go back to New Jersey. At first, I thought it was the perfect arrangement. After a while, though, he’d get mad and call to scream at me if he heard I’d gone out with another guy. He was the one telling me we were casual, but when I acted like we were, he was also the one getting crazy jealous.

  “I should’ve ended it then and pulled back. I should’ve stopped going down to Carolina, and I should have stopped taking his texts and calls. But the thing was . . . I was already hooked. As much as I pretended that I was cool with keeping things unstructured between us, deep inside, I really believed that at some point, Matt would admit that he loved me. We’d have our happy ending. I saw how he acted, but I thought I could save him.

  “That’s how it went for . . . years. All during college. At the end of sophomore year, the coach gave him an ultimatum: he could live with his grandparents over the summer and attend summer school at Birch, on his best behavior, or he was off the team. Matt told me this was our chance to really be together. He’d live at his grandparents’ house in theory, but he’d really be at the apartment I shared with Quinn and Zelda. Quinn spent that summer down south with Leo, so it was just Zelda and me. And Matt.”

  “Ah.” I ran a finger down her arm. “And how did that work out?”

  Gia hmphed. “How do you think? It was a train wreck. We’d get along for a few days, and then Matt would get trashed . . . sometimes he’d sleep with a random girl and I’d catch them, and then we’d spend days screaming at each other until we wore ourselves out and then we’d have make-up sex, and the whole cycle would begin again. Matt alienated everyone. He picked a big fight with a couple of Birch football players at a bar, and it was ugly. Zelda spent most of the summer being furious with me and hating Matt. She sat me down after he’d gone back to Carolina and told me that I was involved in a relationship of mutual destruction. I remember that, because I’d never considered that maybe I was also bad for Matt. I heard her, and I did try to distance myself from him, but it never seemed to take. He’d call me, crying, and beg me to take him back, and of course, I did, because every time I believed it would be different.”

  Gia lapsed into silence, staring across the room as though she could see back through the years. I wished I could ease her pain, even a little.

  “By the second half of our senior year, Matt was in a seriously bad way. He’d been kicked off the team, and Leo told me that he didn’t think he was going to classes anymore, either. I lived in constant dread of the next bad thing that was going to happen, even though I didn’t know exactly what that was going to be.”

  She paused again, and I had a feeling everything else had been just a warm-up to whatever was coming next.

  “One weekend, Matt got mad because he’d mixed up the dates I was supposed to go down there to visit him. He was pissed at me for abandoning him, even though he’d known all along when I was scheduled to arrive. That night, I saw pictures posted on social media . . . Matt, with a bunch of girls. One was giving him a blow job. Another he had bent over a table, and I knew that was one of his favorite . . . well. Anyway, I flipped out. I can’t explain why, because I’d never believed that Matt had been faithful to me, but seeing it right there, and knowing that even if it was taken down immediately, the rest of the world would see it, too—that was different. It was humiliating.

  “So I did something . . . impulsive. I went out to a party on fraternity row, and I specifically searched out some of the guys on the football team. I told them that I was Matt Lampert’s girlfriend, that I was looking to get back at him and that I was down for anything. I told them that I wanted mindless sex, and that I didn’t care how that happened, or with whom.”

  I began to feel sick. Gia was speaking in a monotone now, and she’d gone stiff in my arms. Her hands were cold underneath mine.

  “I didn’t have clear memories the next day of what happened. I’d taken something I shouldn’t have, and I’d drunk a lot, and when I woke up the next morning, I was alone in a room, with my clothes at the end of the bed. I called Zelda to come get me, but I didn’t tell her what had happened.”

  “Gia.” I breathed out her name. “Oh, my God. Did you ever tell anyone? Were those guys—were they prosecuted?”

  “For what?” She shrugged. “I’d given my consent. Hell, I’d served myself up on a silver platter. I couldn’t be upset with them for doing what I’d begged them to do.” Gia cleared her throat. “But it’s what happened next that changed everything.”

  Then

  As many times as I’d made the flight down to Carolina, Matt had never met me at the airport. I could lie to myself and pretend there was a good excuse: he was busy with football practice, or he had a late class or he’d lost his license after the last DUI. But this time, as I wheeled my small suitcase off the plane and into the crowded terminal, I wished that just once, I’d exit the secured area and find him waiting for me.

  Of course, that didn’t happen. To be honest, I was more than a little nervous about this trip; Matt hadn’t acknowledged his tirade of texts to me over the misunderstanding of the date I was coming, and I sure as hell hadn’t asked him about the girls who’d shared porno pics or told him about my night with the Birch football team. I shuddered a little; I was trying to pretend none of that had happened. I knew I was going to have my hands full with this visit, anyway, just because Matt had been more difficult than usual lately.

  As I always did, I took the airport shuttle to a hotel near campus and then called a cab to get me the rest of the way to the apartment Matt shared with Leo. It was just off campus; the guys had moved there last year after media attention on Leo had gotten so far out of control that he needed a safer place to live. The doorman gave me a quick nod and smile. At least someone remembered me.

  The elevator carried me to the fifth floor, and I made my way down the carpeted hallway to Matt’s door. I knocked and waited for an answer, half-expecting to see Leo opening the door. Matt always groused that his friend and roommate had become a little bit of a hermit in the wake of his most recent break-up with Quinn, and it was true that Leo was almost always at the apartment when I came down.

  But it was Matt who greeted me. He swept his gaze down over my body, and I had the crushing sense that I was disappointing him—again. I’d worn jeans and a camisole top with a sweater, which had seemed like a good idea for traveling, but Matt always preferred me in dresses.

  “Easier access,” he’d say with a leer.

  Tonight, though, he just gave me a nod and stepped back, letting me in.

  “Hey.” I tried to sound chipper and glad to be there. “How’re you doing?” I stopped next to Matt, standing on tip-toe for a kiss. He hesitated a second and then touched my lips with his.

  “Hey. I’m good. Come on, let’s take your bag back to the bedroom.” He shut the door, locking it, and then stalked in front of me down the short corridor to his room. I glanced around me as I followed.

  “Is Leo here?”

  “Nope. He’s out. He’s going to be away all weekend.” Matt lifted one shoulder. “Football shit. Some big meeting up in Virginia.”

  “Oh, that’s exciting.” I left my bag up against a wall and turned to face Matt. “It looks like he’s going to be drafted, then? Does he know where he might end up playing?”

  “Who the fuck cares?” Matt snarled, and mentally, I kicked myself for mentioning a painful subject. Once upon a time, Matt had assumed that he’d play pro ball, too. B
ut he’d trashed that dream years ago.

  “So.” I decided it was time to change the subject quickly. “Do you want to go get some dinner, or should we order in?”

  “Not hungry.” He picked up a bottle from his desk and took a swig. “Here. Have some of my supper.” He passed me the booze, and my stomach lurched. The whiskey bottle was nearly empty, and now that I took a good look at him, I realized that Matt’s eyes were unnaturally bright. This wasn’t just alcohol. This was something else. I knew he’d been taking drugs more often in the past year, now that the threat of being cut from the team had become a reality. But I’d never seen him this . . . off.

  “Okay.” I took a sip of whiskey and grimaced. “Ummmm . . . do you have any food in the kitchen? I haven’t eaten since breakfast, so I’m starving.”

  “We’re not eating right now.” He tore the bottle from my hand and pointed to the bed. “First things first . . . baby. Take off your clothes and get on the bed.”

  I swallowed a sigh. This wasn’t unusual for Matt. He liked what he called a quick hello fuck, which I’d come to realize was his way of asserting control over the time we spent together. I knew that once he got this out of his system, he’d be a little more relaxed.

  So I stripped off my shirt and jeans and hopped onto the foot of the bed.

  Matt stood in front of me, looming above me, his arms over his chest. “I got a text today. It came from a number I didn’t recognize, so I almost didn’t open it. You know, viruses and some shit. But it was a Jersey number, so I figured I should check it out. Wanted to see what it was.”

  A wave of dread and nausea swept over me. I had a sickening sense that I knew what this was going to be. I’d spent the first few days of this week terrified that either word of what I’d done Saturday night would get out, or that someone had taken pictures that would be posted on social media. When nothing happened, I’d begun to relax a little.

  But now, I thought I knew what I was about to see. It only made sense; what kind of payback would just fucking me be for those guys who hated Matt so much? It would be so much sweeter if he knew what they’d done.

  Before I could give Matt the off-handed, feigned innocence answer I was trying to drum up, he hit a button on his phone, and I heard my own voice. It was slurred and foggy, but it was undeniably mine.

  “Ohhhhhhh,” my recorded voice moaned. “Harder. Do it harder. Make it hurt. I need you to hurt me. Fuck me hard.”

  “Sound familiar?” Matt’s tone was brittle. “Does it ring a bell?” He flipped around the phone, and there I was, nude and splayed out on the same bed I’d been in when I’d awakened on Sunday morning. There were two guys standing next to me, their faces cut off by the camera’s angle, while another was between my legs, pumping into me. My eyes were closed, but I was definitely aware.

  “Matt.” I tried to speak. “I don’t . . . I was mad. I saw pictures of you with girls down here—one was sucking you off and then you were screwing another one—and I just reacted. I got mad. I’m so sick of this. I did something incredibly stupid, but it was only because I was so hurt—”

  “You forgot the rule we live by, Gia.” Matt gave me a little shove on my shoulder, pushing me onto the bed. “The rule is that you belong to me. You don’t have the right to fuck around, Gia. You belong to me. Only me.”

  Anger bubbled up inside me. “Oh, really? But you’re allowed to do whatever the hell you want?”

  “I only had to fuck those girls because you didn’t show up last weekend, Gia. You forced me into it. I have needs, and when you’re not here to meet them, I have to find another way. But you don’t ever let another man touch you. Do you hear me?”

  I bit my lip and turned my head, my heart pounding in both fury and fear. I wasn’t usually afraid of Matt. He’d never physically hurt me unless it was in the middle of sex, and even then, it was consensual and not really painful. But tonight, something was different.

  “I need to teach you a lesson. I can see that now.” He pushed against my legs, forcing me to spread them. “I need to remind you who you belong to.”

  Matt grasped my underwear and pulled until they snapped off me. I was trembling, but I refused to show him that.

  “Don’t worry, Gia. First, I’m going to make you feel good. Don’t I always?” When I began to draw my thighs together, he grabbed one leg. “Keep them spread.”

  He brought his hand between my legs, stroking me gently. “Feel that? You want this, Gia. You know you do. You’re going to come for me.”

  I shook my head back and forth, and Matt sighed.

  “Yes, you are. C’mon, baby.” He was cajoling me now. “Don’t you want me? Don’t you love me?”

  A sob escaped. “You know I do. I’d never want to . . . I didn’t mean what I did. I never want anyone but you.”

  “Shhhh, I know. Just relax and feel. This is make-up sex, Gia. Let me do this for you.”

  I should’ve been smarter. I should’ve seen where he was going. But I didn’t, because I always wanted to believe that Matt could be better. I needed to believe that he loved me, even when he had trouble showing it.

  So I let it happen. I let him get me off, using his hands and his fingers and his mouth. I came on a long, keening cry, my body giving in even when my mind was still wary.

  I was still panting, still recovering, when Matt began to undo his pants. That didn’t worry me, either. I watched him lower the zipper, releasing his erection. He stroked himself once and then twice, his eyes never leaving my face.

  “Do you know who you belong to now, Gia?”

  I nodded. “Of course, I do. Come here. I’ll make you feel good. Your turn.”

  “No.” Matt shook his head. “I’m in control. And I’m going to fuck you hard enough that you won’t forget again.” He pushed down my legs again and entered me with one punishing stroke.

  But it wasn’t the pain that alarmed me. I struggled to sit up, trying to push him away. “Matt. You need a condom. You know we can’t—stop it now. Go get a condom first.”

  He gripped my shoulder and lowered me to the mattress again. “I don’t think so, Gia. You know, I’ve been mulling it over. Maybe this is what we need. Maybe if I fuck you hard enough and often enough and knock you up, you’ll remember who you belong to. Maybe if you’re carrying a part of me around with you all the time, you won’t be so tempted to fuck other men. Maybe if you’re fat and pregnant and disgusting, no man would ever look at you, anyway. I’m going to make sure that happens. It’s the only way a stupid bitch like you can be handled.”

  Panic made it hard to breathe. I couldn’t take hormonal birth control, like the pill or implants or shots, so we’d always used condoms. Matt knew this. He’d never messed around on this point before, partly I thought because the idea of a possible pregnancy terrified him even more than it did me. But what was freaking me out right now was the fact that I knew he’d been having sex with other women. God only knew if he’d used protection with those girls and what diseases he might have gotten from them.

  It wasn’t lost on me that Matt hadn’t been the only one indulging in idiotic behavior, either. I’d made the Birch football players promise they’d all use protection, and in my muddled memories of that night, I thought they had, but I couldn’t be certain. Maybe Matt was right. Maybe I was a stupid bitch. That still didn’t mean I had to lay back and let him fuck me now, the way he was trying to punish me.

  But there wasn’t anything I could do. The more I tried to get away, the more excited he got and the deeper he plunged into me, muttering the whole time about teaching me a lesson. I lay there, feeling as though part of me had floated up out of my body. I wasn’t in pain, even though Matt was still holding me down with an iron grip. I was in a weird state of shock and denial . . . and then again, another part of me knew that I deserved this. On some level, I’d known what I was doing when I’d offered myself up to those football players from Birch. I’d wanted Matt to find out. And this was my penance.

  He final
ly came with a grunt, stiffening over me as he let go. Once he’d finished, he rolled over away from me onto the mattress, heaving a long sigh. I waited for him to say something—anything—but within a few seconds, I could tell by his breathing that he’d fallen asleep.

  I let a few more minutes go by before I eased off the bed. Moving as silently as I could, I gathered my clothes, picked up my suitcase from where I’d rested it against the wall and escaped the bedroom, closing the door quietly behind me. I stopped only for a minute in the bathroom, where I cleaned myself up enough to get by, before I left the apartment.

  Downstairs, the doorman glanced up as I passed. I was tempted to flee past him, but I decided that I needed his help.

  “Hi.” I paused at the desk, twisting my hands. “I had a fight with my boyfriend, and I need to get back to the airport. Can you please call me a taxi?”

  The man frowned at me and reached for the phone. “Of course. One moment.”

  Within ten minutes, I was in the backseat of a cab, speeding along the highway to the airport. Once there, I did something I rarely did: I used the credit card my dad had given me for emergencies only and got a last-minute ticket on a flight back to Philadelphia, where Zelda rescued me at the airport.

  She took one look at me and shook her head. “G, you can’t do this anymore. Watching you kill yourself over this asshole is torture. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for Quinn and me. We’re worried about you.”

  She didn’t have to say anything, because on the numb journey back home, I’d come to recognize some hard truths.

  Matt was never getting better.

  I couldn’t save him.

  He couldn’t love me.

  He could only destroy me along with himself.

  I couldn’t let myself be pulled down by him anymore.