by A. K. Evans
Confusion washed over Demi’s face. “What?”
“What what?”
“You’re seeing Sam tomorrow?” she asked.
I dipped my chin. “Yeah. I texted her two days ago, and we decided to get together tomorrow morning for brunch.”
Confusion changed to surprise. “I really thought you two were going to be a thing,” she shared.
“What?” I asked.
“You and Sam. Cal, I’ve watched you two for what? A year and a half now? I have no idea why nothing happened between you guys, but you look great together,” she said. “I just wish you would have done something about it.”
“Well, if I’m being honest, that’s part of what I’m hoping to talk to her about tomorrow,” I confessed.
Demi narrowed her eyes. “What exactly are you planning to talk to her about?”
“I’m in love with her, Demi,” I blurted. I hadn’t meant to share it like that, but I’d been feeling so good about the night I had and the fact that I was finally going to be able to tell Sam everything tomorrow. “I’ve been trying to find the perfect place and time to tell her how I feel, but it just hasn’t worked out. I can’t keep waiting.”
That’s when it happened.
The one thing I said wouldn’t happen because I was going to see Sam tomorrow.
Demi dropped a massive bomb on me, and the smile that I said wouldn’t be wiped off my face vanished.
Hesitantly, she asked, “Well, don’t you think it’s a little late now?”
“I’m not doing it tonight,” I told her. “When I pick her up tomorrow morning, I’m going to do it.”
“Right. I get that. I just mean that it’s not exactly the best timing,”
“What do you mean?” I questioned her.
An incredulous look washed over her face. “Mitch.”
“Who?”
“Mitch,” she repeated. “Sam’s with Mitch now. Why would you wait until now to tell her how you feel?”
Mitch? Sam was with Mitch?
“Who is Mitch?” I asked.
There was more disbelief on Demi’s face. “Mitch. Sam’s boyfriend,” she clarified. “How do you not know this?”
Sam had a boyfriend?
“What are you talking about, Demi?” I pressed, starting to feel a bit sick.
Something washed over my cousin, and for a moment, I thought she was playing a joke on me. But when she spoke again, I realized that wasn’t even close to what was happening.
“Sam met Mitch here the night of her birthday,” Demi shared as she leaned forward and lowered her voice. “She’s been dating him for more than a month now. I don’t understand how you talk to her all the time, and you don’t know any of this.”
Feeling the lump form in my throat, I croaked, “She never told me.”
“Oh, Cal.”
I looked around the bar. I needed to get out of here, but Eli still hadn’t made his way over to the bar. I couldn’t stay.
Turning around, I found Melissa and ordered, “Hey, Mel, listen. I’ve got to run. Can you and Billy close everything up for me tonight?”
“Sure, Cal,” she answered.
“Thanks. And, um, make sure you give Eli and the band a round on the house,” I told her. “Whatever they want.”
“You’ve got it.”
I turned back to Demi. There was nothing but worry and tension on her face. “Cal…” She trailed off.
Shaking my head, I said, “I’ve got to go.”
“Wait,” she begged.
“No. I’ve got to go.”
A moment later, I was gone.
Sam had a boyfriend, and she never told me. I’d just had the best night at the bar since I opened it all thanks to her, and it didn’t even matter anymore.
The woman of my dreams had someone else.
How was I going to survive seeing her in the morning?
Six
Calvin
Dark clouds and rainy skies.
The day’s weather was right in line with my mood.
It was nearly nine in the morning, and I’d barely gotten two whole hours of sleep. I spent most of the night tossing and turning, wondering how I’d let this happen. More than that, I wondered why she never told me.
Why did Sam keep it from me?
Worst of all, in the little bits that I did get to sleep, all I saw was her. Sam consumed my dreams. Just her. Beautiful. Smiling. Happy.
Part of me wanted to refuse to believe what Demi told me last night. I thought I knew Sam better. I never thought she would have kept something so significant from me.
Then again, was I being a hypocrite? It wasn’t exactly as though I’d shared everything with her. And if I hadn’t dragged my feet, I wouldn’t be here right now.
Or, at least, I hoped I wouldn’t.
I liked to believe that if I had told Sam how I felt about her, she would be with me. She’d probably be in my bed right now. Or maybe I would have been in hers. I didn’t care because it really didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was that we would have been together.
She wouldn’t have been with someone else.
Mitch.
The mere thought of the guy’s name made me feel sick to my stomach.
Was I going to go to her place this morning and find him there? Did he spend the night with her, touching and kissing her?
I groaned and rolled to my side.
Sam.
My Sam.
How did I let this happen?
It seemed that was the only question that I continued to ask myself. Well, that and wondering why she never told me. I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this was all my fault. Her not being with me, her being with that other guy, was on me.
But the fact that I found out about it from Demi and not Sam was all on Sam. It had been more than a month. It wasn’t like Sam had just met the guy. She met him on her birthday. It had been more than six weeks.
How?
Why?
How?
I needed to get up. I opened my eyes more than an hour ago, started running through a million and one thoughts, got no answers, and essentially drove myself crazy. I had to get out of bed.
As much as I was dreading seeing Sam for the simple fact that I knew she was going to confirm my worst fears, there was no way I wasn’t going to go.
Not going wasn’t an option.
I wanted her confirmation. And then I wanted answers.
Why? Why? Why?
I sighed, threw the comforter and sheet back, and swung my legs over the side of the bed. Get showered, get dressed, and go to her.
That was it.
A zombie. That’s how I felt. I was a dead man walking, feeling like my entire world had ended.
Get showered. Get dressed. Go to her.
I had to keep repeating that. It was the only way I was going to accomplish anything.
Before I knew it, I was in my car on my way to her. I was going to be fifteen minutes early, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t wait any longer.
I pounded my fist on her door and waited.
When she opened it, it became abundantly clear that she had no idea how horrible my night had been.
She beamed at me before she threw her arms around me and said, “Hey, Cal.”
I brought one arm around her and gave a gentle squeeze. I couldn’t wrap my second arm around her. If I did, I wasn’t sure I’d let her go.
And since she was no longer mine, I couldn’t do it.
When she loosened her hold on me, I dropped my arm, and she stepped back.
“So, how was it?” Sam asked. “I’ve been dying to hear all about the live performance.”
Her excitement. Her enthusiasm. It was killing me. I loved it, and I hated it. I loved it because it was clear she cared. But I hated it because all I could think was that she was doing it to avoid sharing the truth with me. I tried to think back on the last six weeks. We hadn’t seen each other much, but I wondered if I thought long enough about it if I
’d recall any signs. Anything that I missed that would have told me she was overcompensating.
I was so distracted by that, I didn’t respond to Sam’s question. In doing that, it gave her the opportunity to really take in my appearance. I might have showered and put on clean clothes, but if I looked even half as bad as I felt, I knew I was a sight.
“Cal?” Sam called.
I brought my eyes to hers.
“Is everything okay? Did something happen?” she worried.
The worry in her voice nearly brought me to my knees. Somehow, I remained standing. Standing and silent.
I watched for a bit as the concern grew in her face. When I could no longer hold myself back, I finally spoke.
“You’re my best friend, Sam,” I started, my voice thick with emotion. “I thought the feeling was mutual.”
Taken aback by my words, Sam’s brows pulled together. “It is,” she insisted.
“You could have fooled me,” I clipped.
She stumbled back, and it took everything in me not to reach out to her. Luckily, she didn’t fall, but there was a clear look of hurt in her features.
“Cal, I… I had to work,” she reminded me. “If I didn’t, you know I would have been the first one there.”
My brows shot up, questioning her. “Are you sure about that?” I pressed.
“Of course. How could you say that? I don’t understand. Where’s this coming from? What’s going on?” she wondered.
I stared directly into the eyes of the woman I loved and asked, “Are you seeing someone, Sam?”
Surprise.
She hadn’t been expecting that. Her wide eyes were every indication of that. In fact, I was inclined to believe, judging by the look on her face, she didn’t like the fact that I had found out her secret.
Now, it was her turn to remain silent. It stretched for a long time, and I allowed it. I didn’t push for more. I was going to let her sit with this for a minute. She’d have to live with knowing she didn’t share this information with me.
When I’d given her that time, and she still made no move to speak, I pressed, “Do you have a boyfriend, Sam?”
With a slight jerk of her chin, she rasped, “Yes.”
Fuck.
Fuck.
I knew that was going to be the answer, but I still wasn’t ready to hear it. I didn’t want to hear it.
“For more than a month, you’ve been dating someone, and you haven’t told me,” I accused her.
“Yes, Cal.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Why?” she repeated.
“Yes, Sam, why? Why are you claiming that I’m your best friend, yet you don’t share any of this with me? You said the same about Demi, and she knows,” I said.
“Demi,” she whispered.
Nodding, I confirmed, “Yes, she told me. But she didn’t do it to betray you, Sam. She thought I already knew. Why wouldn’t you tell me?”
Shaking her head, tears filled her eyes. “I don’t know,” she rasped. “I don’t know. I’m sorry, Cal. I’m really sorry.”
“Yeah, me too,” I muttered. “Damn it, Sam. More than a month.”
“I’m sorry,” she mumbled.
Her voice was so quiet, so hushed. It didn’t even sound like the Sam I knew. And that’s when I realized I needed to rein it in just a little bit. I could feel myself on the verge of losing control, and I knew if I didn’t do something about it, I’d end up doing something I’d regret.
Though, I wondered if it was possible to feel more regret than I already did.
After taking several deep breaths in an attempt to calm myself down, I asked, “Are you happy?”
Her head tipped to the side, and she gave me a sympathetic look. “No. I know I shouldn’t have kept it from you. It was selfish of me. I don’t have a good reason for it,” she answered.
“That’s not what I meant,” I told her.
“What?”
“With… with him,” I bit out. “Are you happy?”
Understanding washed over her. “Oh. Um, well, Cal—”
“Does he treat you right?” I asked, cutting her off. I could feel the blood rushing in my veins. My heart was pumping so fast; it was a wonder it didn’t beat right out of my chest.
She swallowed hard and answered quietly, “Yes.”
“And you’re happy with him?” I pressed.
She looked away for a moment, her eyes darting back and forth, pinned to the ground. When she returned her gaze to me, Sam replied, “He likes me a lot, and he’s good to me. Attentive. Interested.”
“That’s not what I asked,” I clipped, clenching my jaw in a feeble attempt not to lose my cool. “You, Sam. I don’t care about how he feels. Look at you. Any man with half a brain would like you, be attentive, and be seriously interested. I want to know how you feel.”
Sam bit the inside of her cheek as she assessed me. I didn’t know what I expected her to say in response to that, but it definitely wasn’t what she did say.
“He called.”
Confused, thrown slightly off-kilter by that statement, my body grew rigid. “What does that mean?” I asked.
She took a moment to collect herself and answered, “I met him on my birthday. He was the guy waiting by the door when I was about to leave.”
Suddenly, it hit me. Even though I already knew from Demi who the guy was, it dawned on me at that precise moment what I’d overlooked.
“You lied,” I declared.
“What?”
“That night,” I said. “You lied to me. You said I couldn’t take you home because you’d already told him that he couldn’t. That wasn’t it, was it? You just didn’t want to tell me that you were going home with him.”
Anger washed over her. “How dare you?” she shot back. “I never lied to you, Cal. I’ll admit I kept the truth about my relationship with Mitch from you, but I never lied about what happened that night. He didn’t take me home that night. I came home alone.”
She paused a moment, attempting to catch her breath. I’d never seen her so angry, so I couldn’t have responded even if I wanted to. I was too shocked at seeing her rage.
A moment later, Sam continued, “I came home alone and slept alone on my couch that night. But the next day, he called. He called like he said he would. And he wanted to take me out on a date. I agreed to go. Ever since our first date, he’s called, he’s spent time with me, and he’s treated me right. I didn’t like being alone every night, Cal. I didn’t like dreaming dreams that would never come true. So, to answer your question, yes. Yes, I’m happy.”
One word after another was like a physical blow to my body. Everything hit me. All of it. My mistake. My foolish need to wait for a perfect moment.
She didn’t like spending her nights alone. And because this guy called her immediately, because he didn’t waste any time, now she didn’t have to.
The sick, empty feeling settled in my stomach. A boulder clogged my throat. My lungs burned with each breath I attempted to take.
I was standing here accusing Sam of lying to me when I hadn’t told her the truth. For months, for more than a year, I kept the truth of how I felt about her from her. I never told her what she meant to me. And the whole fucking time, she needed someone to do that. Or, at the very least, she needed someone to show her just a bit of interest.
Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
There was nothing left for me. There was nothing I could say. Nothing I could do.
Sam meant everything to me. But I’d made my mistake. I couldn’t ruin what she had now. If this guy cared about her and was treating her right, I had no choice. I had to get over it.
“I’m sorry,” I lamented, my voice just a touch over a whisper. Damn. It hurt to even speak. “I’m sorry for what I said to you. It was uncalled for, and you didn’t deserve that.”
“Thank you for the apology,” she returned. There was something in her voice, but I couldn’t quite figure out what it was. The truth was that
I was far too distracted by the pain caused by the hole in my heart.
Regret.
So much regret.
“I should probably go,” I said, looking away from her.
“Cal,” she called. When I brought my gaze back to her, she begged, “Please tell me I didn’t just lose you.”
The burn in my lungs hit my gut, my throat, and my eyes.
I didn’t know how I was going to do it. I didn’t know how I could possibly see her, talk to her, or be around her, and not want her. How could I just pretend that everything was as it had always been?
It would never be the same.
It would never be better.
But looking into her beautiful face, one filled with worry and despair, I knew I’d have no choice but to suck it up. It was my fault. This was my punishment.
So, I shook my head and promised, “You didn’t lose me, Sam. Never.”
It wasn’t until I got those words out that I realized just how tense she’d been. With my vow, the air left her lungs, and her body visibly relaxed.
“Do you want to go for brunch still?” she asked.
I didn’t. I couldn’t.
“Anything you need, Sam, I’ll always be there for you,” I started. “But today, right now, I just need to be alone.”
“I hear what you’re saying, Cal. And I can’t force you to stay and talk to me, but I can’t shake the feeling that this feels a lot like a last goodbye,” she shared.
She had no idea. She had no idea how much I loved her. Because if she did, she’d know that I couldn’t possibly say goodbye to her forever.
“Trust me,” I told her. “I’ll reach out tomorrow. But I need to go right now.”
“Tomorrow?” she repeated.
“Tomorrow,” I confirmed.
Nodding, she replied, “Okay.”
I turned away from her and moved toward the door. I wanted nothing more than to gather her up in my arms and hold her one last time, but I didn’t think it was a smart idea. It would only make the pain of losing her that much worse.
So, I stopped in front of the door, put my hand to the knob, and opened it.
Then I walked out, looked back at her, and saw her eyes pleading with mine. I didn’t know what she was asking for… perhaps something to prove she’d still have me in her life. Despite that, despite wanting to give it to her, I didn’t.
