by A. K. Evans
I’d still be her friend. I’d still be there for her if she needed me. But comforting her was no longer my job.
“Goodbye, Sam.”
Disappointment washed over her. “Goodbye, Cal,” she whispered.
With that, I walked away.
Car. Home. Bed.
Car. Home. Bed.
I repeated that chant in my head, and it was good I did. Because the moment I collapsed in my bed and stopped chanting, I let my conversation with Sam play in my head. And I finally lost the control I’d been holding on to for so long.
Samantha
One word.
One phrase.
If Cal would have given me something—anything—everything would have been different. If he had told me why he came over, knowing what he knew, and had that look on his face, I had to wonder if he would have left.
I didn’t understand it.
Even when he opened my door and looked back at me, I still had hope. Hope that he’d dig deep and ask himself why he was so upset. And when he found that answer, I wanted him to share it with me.
If he did, it would have been all I needed.
I love you. I want you. I need you.
Any version of that. I would have taken any of it.
But he didn’t give me that. So, I knew what I told him was the truth.
I had been dreaming dreams that would never come true. I wanted him. He didn’t want me. Or, if he did, he wasn’t going to do anything about it.
As much as I wanted him, I wasn’t going to sit around waiting for something that would never happen. I wanted to fall in love. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be happy. And I didn’t want to be alone.
I wanted everything.
I wanted someone to support me. To support my hopes. To encourage my dreams.
And I wanted to give that back. I wanted to support someone. I wanted to push them to reach their dreams.
I wanted a companion—a partner.
For a long time, I thought that man was going to be Cal. But Cal just proved to me that I was wrong.
So, I had to let him go, give up that dream, and move on.
I only hoped what he said was the truth and that I wouldn’t lose him as my friend forever.
Seven
Calvin
Thanksgiving Eve.
It was probably the biggest night of the year for the bar. This year, it was likely to be even bigger because I’d managed to secure Eli and his band for the night. So, with live music, people on vacation, and the holiday being tomorrow, Granite was the place to be tonight in Finch, New Hampshire.
I should have been excited. To some extent, I guess I was. But I was nowhere near as enthusiastic about tonight as I would have been if things had been different. More than that, tonight had the potential to be an utter disaster.
For that reason, I was mostly dreading what was supposed to be a really great night.
Sam was going to be there.
The thing was, Sam had been to Granite a couple of times over the last few weeks. Just as I had promised her I would the day I left her house, I called her the next day. Our first couple of conversations were slightly awkward. Luckily, we’d managed to get beyond that relatively quickly. Though, to be honest, I wasn’t sure if it was because that was us or if it was because Demi was who she was.
Once my cousin realized how I felt about Sam, she went above and beyond to try to make sure things didn’t get awkward when the three of us were around one another. Fortunately, Demi had been there every time Sam came into Granite since our encounter at her place, and Demi always found a way to keep things lighthearted and fun. I couldn’t love her more for doing that for us. I had a feeling Sam was just as grateful.
But I didn’t know how tonight was going to go.
Because Sam was coming, and she was bringing Mitch. It surprised me, considering he hadn’t come in with her once over the last several weeks. In fact, I hadn’t seen him inside Granite since Sam’s birthday. To top it off, in the times that Sam had come in with Demi, she hadn’t mentioned Mitch at all. If there was ever a chance for her to say something about him, she never did. It was almost as though she tried to avoid any conversation about him altogether.
A few days ago, I got the confirmation he would be coming, though. And my cousin didn’t hesitate to make sure I was going to be alright.
“Are you sure you’re cool with this?” she asked.
“It’s fine,” I insisted, even though I wasn’t sure it was actually fine.
“I don’t know how you’re doing this,” Demi declared.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
Tipping her head to the side so that her ear nearly touched her shoulder, she explained, “You’re in love with a woman who’s with another man, Cal. That can’t be easy.”
“It’s not.”
“Do you honestly think you can handle seeing them together?” she pressed. “I mean, you spent most of her birthday in your office because you saw him kiss her. They weren’t even officially together then.”
I stared at her and started to wonder if I’d made a mistake in telling her about how I felt about Sam. On the one hand, she’d been vital in keeping things relaxed when Sam was around. But when I was on my own, she didn’t hesitate to bring this scenario up continuously.
Demi continued, “Look, I’m not trying to harp on something that you probably don’t want to hear about, but I wanted to make sure you’re prepared for this. I think it’s going to be incredibly challenging to remain cool. And on a night like Thanksgiving Eve, you aren’t going to be able to hide in your office. Sam’s my best friend, too. I don’t want her being hurt by whatever goes down either, whether it’s your reaction to the situation or something else.”
When she put it like that, I couldn’t help but admit how much I loved Demi. And I loved that she was looking out for not just me but also Sam like this. It showed just how genuine her heart was and made me wish that she would find a way to open herself up to the possibility of a real relationship. She had so much love to give.
“I appreciate the concern, Demi,” I started. “But it really is all good. I know it’s not going to be easy for me. In fact, I’m not really looking forward to meeting this guy at all. But I’m going to do it for Sam. I want her to be happy, even if that means she’s happy without me. If she’s happy with this guy, I’m not going to do anything to mess with that.”
It sounded convincing, and I knew that for sure when Demi gave me a nod of understanding, but the truth was that I was dying inside at the idea of the whole thing. I had no clue how I was going to handle seeing Sam at Granite with Mitch. Every time I thought about it, I felt sick.
Knowing that, I knew I had to have a better plan. And while I hadn’t come up with a way to completely avoid the guy at all costs since I knew Sam wanted to introduce us, I still had a plan. My goal was to keep myself as busy as possible—which wouldn’t likely be very hard considering just how crowded I expected it to be—so that I wouldn’t accidentally witness anything that might send me over the edge toward insanity.
Or, at least, more insanity than I was already experiencing.
If there was one thing I’d learned over the last couple of weeks, it was understanding. I’d had a newfound appreciation and sympathy for people who suffered from addiction. Sam was like a drug for me. I couldn’t live without her, and yet, being around her was terrible for me. And even though I knew I was going to feel worse and worse about it all when I was around her, it still did not stop me from craving any ounce of time I could get with her.
I didn’t mind the time she was there when Demi was there. That was slightly easier to cope with. What I wasn’t convinced I’d be able to handle was Mitch being there.
But I had no choice.
I just hoped I’d figure out how to get through it without completely losing it.
Unsure I was prepared for it, but not having much of a choice at this point, I got myself ready and left. I needed to get in, get things re
ady for the night, and prepare myself for whatever the night would bring.
“Mitch, this is my friend, Cal. Cal, this is Mitch.”
Sam and Mitch had walked in the front door as I was passing by. I’d been behind the bar and was now heading over to make sure Eli and the rest of the band were all set to go. The bar was already packed, and the crowd was growing.
Needing to get this out of the way, realizing I’d be able to use my need to check on the band as an excuse to move on if it got uncomfortable, I stopped to talk with them.
Mitch extended his hand to me, and if I was going to keep it civil, I had no choice but to shake his hand.
“It’s nice to finally meet you, Cal,” Mitch started. “Sam has told me so much about you.”
Funny, she’s never mentioned you, I thought.
My eyes slid to Sam. She quickly looked away as a flush hit her cheeks.
I returned my attention to Mitch and replied, “All good things, I hope.”
As we dropped each other’s hands, Mitch confirmed, “Yeah, all good. Though I have to admit, for me, it’s just nice to hear her talking about something real.”
My chin jerked up and out to the side as my brows pulled together. “Real?” I repeated, unsure what that meant.
Nodding, Mitch explained, “I don’t know if it’s just me that she does it with, but Sammy likes to talk about hypotheticals a lot. And sometimes, they aren’t even possible.”
Sammy.
He called her Sammy.
Did she like being called Sammy?
I let that go and tried to focus on what he was saying. “Sam talks about hypotheticals?” I said. My eyes drifted to hers, and I saw her nervously biting her lip. Then it hit me. I looked back at Mitch and asked, “Are you talking about when she asks things like which animal would be the rudest if they could talk?”
Mitch’s eyes widened as he laughed. “That’s exactly what I’m talking about,” he confirmed. “It’s like, why are we even having a discussion about this. It’s never going to happen.”
I nodded in understanding but not because I agreed with him. Those were some of my favorite conversations with Sam.
Hating that he didn’t like that about her, I shrugged. “I don’t know. I kind of like those conversations. If nothing else, those questions get you thinking.”
Mitch wrapped his arm around Sam’s back. His hand landed on her opposite shoulder, where he squeezed and curled her into him. “That’s good to know,” he returned. “Next time she wants to talk nonsense, I’ll have her give you a call. You won’t mind helping me out, will you? I mean, you can’t help but love Sam. She is gorgeous. But she’s a little quirky sometimes.”
Fuck, I hated this guy.
She said he treated her well. He was here saying he loved her, and at the same time, he was making fun of her.
I wanted to punch him in the throat.
“She knows she can call me any time she wants,” I offered.
I returned my attention to her, and I could see the forced smile on her face.
“Good to know,” Mitch continued. “This is a great place you’ve got here. Sam mentioned you’ve only been here a little over a year now.”
“That’s correct,” I said. “It’ll be two years next April.”
“Awesome. And you’ve got live bands now. That’s great. It looks like business is doing well,” he noted.
I dipped my chin. “Yeah. I can’t complain.” Then, only because I didn’t want to seem like a complete asshole, I asked, “So, what do you do?”
Mitch looked down at Sam, a bit of confusion washing over him. Suddenly, I felt bad. I think it just dawned on him that she didn’t exactly share much about him.
He quickly brushed it off and answered, “I’m in finance. My company transferred me here from Connecticut about six months ago.”
“Oh? Where in Connecticut?” I asked, even though I really didn’t care.
“Hartford.”
“Wow. That’s a change. Finch is the opposite of that, isn’t it?”
“It is,” he affirmed. “But I’m commuting an hour one way every day now back and forth to Concord.”
“Ouch. That’s rough,” I returned.
He let out a laugh. “Yeah, I thought I’d like the quiet time before and after a long day, but it’s quickly losing its appeal. Especially now that I’ve got another reason to be home.”
With that, he gave Sam another squeeze and pressed a kiss to her temple.
Fuck.
Fuck!
I couldn’t do this any longer.
For some reason, Sam chose that moment to speak up. It was like she knew I was struggling.
“Hey, Mitch, how about we go grab a drink?” she suggested.
“Yeah, I actually need to check with the band,” I shared. “But grab a drink and kick back. Enjoy yourselves.”
“We will,” Mitch assured me. “Thanks.”
With that, I gave Sam one last glance and walked away.
As I made my way over to where Eli and the rest of the guys were busy getting everything set up, I had to resist the urge to turn around, go back to Sam, and drag her away from that guy.
Why?
Why would she ever subject herself to being with someone who treated her the way he did?
He gave her just enough of the sweet to balance out the sour he fed her.
On the one hand, I felt relieved. There was no way they’d last. On the other hand, I felt angry. How long was she going to eat this guy’s shit?
I didn’t care that she’d told me a month ago that he called her, and she didn’t want to be alone. There was no good excuse for staying with someone who spoke to her the way he spoke to her. And if he didn’t love everything about her, everything that made her who she was, why was he with her? Was it simply because, as he said, she was gorgeous?
I could understand that being the initial attraction. But it was everything above and beyond her beauty that made Sam that much more desirable.
If I never saw him again, it would be too soon.
Unfortunately, I didn’t get my wish. After meeting quickly with Eli to confirm that he and the rest of his guys were good and didn’t need anything, I went right back to work. I was behind the bar, serving drinks and making sure everything was running smoothly.
In three separate instances, my eyes landed on Sam. Once she’d been smiling, once she’d been laughing, and once she’d been dancing. Of course, Demi eventually arrived and caught up with her, so she happened to be around in two of those instances. But I had to wonder if I was reading more into things than I should have been.
Maybe I was nitpicking because I wanted to find something wrong with the guy. No doubt it was awkward to meet him. I guessed it was possible I was seeing something that wasn’t there simply because I didn’t want anybody but me to be with Sam.
To me, his dismissal of who she was—quirky, as he put it—wasn’t okay.
Then again, it wasn’t until I wasn’t around that I saw Sam acting like her typical self. Perhaps she felt just as awkward about the meeting as I did.
Even still, was she okay with this guy talking about her like that? It seemed so, especially when she seemed so much more comfortable with him when I wasn’t standing in front of her.
I hated it.
I hated seeing her like that—uncomfortable and perhaps a bit embarrassed.
The only good thing about it was that I knew there was no way they’d last if what I saw was any indication of how he treated her on a regular basis. If that was how he was with her, there was no doubt about it. I was willing to bet they’d be over before the new year.
I still had a reason to hope.
Feeling slightly relieved by that, I found a way to get through the rest of the night without completely losing my mind.
Eight
Calvin
I was wrong.
It was the beginning of February, and Sam was still with that guy. That horrible, horrible guy.
It
frustrated me to no end that she put up with the things she did from him. I could see how there were moments that he made so good for her that she overlooked all the bad. The problem was that the bad was the only thing I could really focus my attention on.
Because I believed she didn’t deserve to have anything but the best.
I knew he had let her down on more than one occasion, so I was biding my time. I’d be ready. When she woke up and realized that she deserved better than she was getting, I’d be there waiting to give it to her.
For now, I was doing my best to be a good friend.
And for the most part, things had been typical when Sam was around me. She stopped in to Granite occasionally with Demi, but I noticed those visits were getting to be so few and far between. And the conversations that I’d had with Sam over the phone or through text messages that had typically been a couple times a week now happened only every other week at best.
It was frustrating.
Today was a Wednesday evening, and Sam and Demi had stopped in after work for the first time in at least three weeks. The bar was slow tonight, something I was grateful for so that I’d have an opportunity to catch up with both of them.
“I’m so glad we left when we did today,” Demi told Sam. “I was ready to knock that guy upside his head.”
Sam giggled. “I still can’t get over how many people do that. And they all seem to be there when you’re working!”
“What happened now?” I asked, walking into the conversation late.
“Demi had a guy check into the hotel who didn’t want to give a valid ID and insisted on paying cash because he didn’t want his wife to find out,” Sam answered.
“Shady,” I declared.
“Exactly,” Demi said. “If it hadn’t been time for me to leave, I would have seriously considered looking up his wife and telling her to stop by.”
“Lucky for the guy, I came out of my office just in time to get my best friend and tell her we had a date at Granite tonight,” Sam shared.
