by Simone Elise
8
Gabriella
There was many things god let happen that shouldn’t. Life things, like Maddox but also things that shouldn’t be legally allowed. Hudson cleaning his bike, topless, in the summer heat. His tattoos were glistening from his sweat, and the muscles, damn. I was turned on, wasn’t going to lie and say I wasn’t. Because so were most of the women in the lot—who had all made an excuse to be outside in this heat.
I however had forgotten my reason as soon as I stepped outside, seeing the sight that is topless, tattooed Hudson.
Fuck me. It’s moments like this I’m thankful my thoughts are my own.
Hudson glanced up, couldn’t help but think he was avoiding me since we spend that night watching television.
Then I saw his grin as he looked at me. “Thirsty darling?”
All the women shoot me a glare. “Um yeah.” I say and I forgot I was carrying a slab of cold water for the boys out here. I dropped it to the ground, taking a knife to it, slicing the plastic off. Then walking towards Hudson.
“You’re skilled with that knife.” He said rather impressed, and I shrugged, looking at him. He was everything to me, and I lost him, then died and then fell in love with Maddox. I knew all that. Yet here I was. My heart fluttering, my legs clenching together tightly, all because of Hudson. “You hot?” he asked a question that wasn’t even a question.
“I think everyone’s hot.” And I noticed him drop his rag, that he was cleaning the bike with.
“Wanna go swimming?”
“I don’t like public pools.”
“Was thinking the lake, near our spot.”
God that was tempting. But that would be wrong wouldn’t it? “I um…”
“Nothing wrong with it sweetie,” and he dipped his head. “unless you want something to be wrong with it.” His rough swirl mixed with a slight rasp to his tone used to have me jumping him. And if it wasn’t for the fact he burned me so badly and I was engaged—then I might have even considered it.
Slowly the corners of my lips twitched up, and I nodded my head.
“You got a bikini on under that?”
“Hon I’ve been basically living in a bikini since it hit January.” I said, and his eyes tinted for a moment.
Hudson gripped Ribs, who was just walking by minding his own business. “You’re in charge.” He said, and Rib’s looked terrified.
“Fuck that, I’m coming swimming. Give it to someone else.” Ribs said and pulled his arm from Hudson’s grip. Hudson groaned, looking at me.
“Give me a moment will ya.” He said and walked off.
“Hey Gabriella,” Ribs said approaching me, with this frown on his face. “Can you and I talk later, I got something I need some advice on.”
Ribs and I were close, I didn’t have female friends but Ribs, he was like my best male friend. “What is it?” My hands went to my hips. “Is this like last time?”
“Nah, I ain’t in trouble. Well,” he’s lips twitched up. “not serious trouble.”
“Alright let’s go.” Hudson was back, and mounted his bike, holding it steady for me. “Ribs ya don’t have to come, I found someone else.”
“Nah fuck that. I’m coming.” Ribs said walking to his bike. Saw the slight frown to Hudson’s lips, and I gave him a smile. Ribs is harmless. Anyway, wasn’t like Hudson and I were going on a date, we were just going swimming. But when I wrapped my arms around him, memories of when he was mine flooded me.
Hudson and I had history, but did we have a future as friends? Then again, why was it every time I thought of Hudson as a friend, my stomach would tighten, I’d feel sick—and worse of all, I would feel jealousy towards the woman that would be more to him. God what was getting into me?
Can’t remember a time without him really, he was always there. He was the man to catch me when I fell, and now I was falling again, and he couldn’t save me. I let my guard down with Maddox, just as I did with Hudson and I let Maddox right into my heart—and now… it was as if someone had taken a sledge hammer to my glass heart and shattered it into a million pieces and I was now bleeding out.
My heart had exploded causing unbearable pain to spread through my blood. I was shaking, as the tears continued to run down my cheeks. It was hard. So fucking hard to keep breathing right now. They wanted me to make the call on Maddox’s life support—and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t turn it off. I just fucking can’t do it.
It’s moments like now, as I hugged his pillow that the taste of his lips, the feeling of safety that would flood my body when I was wrapped in his arms. I was currently wasted on thoughts of him, his touch, his cologne I couldn’t escape him right now. I’m hugging his pillow and a photo frame of us. And as much as I know he wouldn’t want to be on life support—I couldn’t bring myself to tell the doctors it was time to let him go.
I can’t let him go.
There was a knock on my bedroom door and I struggled to put the photo down and let go of the pillow. Maddox’s things were suffocating me in this room. It was like he was on a run and I was waiting for him to come back.
At first, I sort of treated it like that. That he’d be back, and soon. Now… I was slowly realizing that wasn’t going to happen.
I opened the door and Ribs is standing there.
“Everything okay?” I asked, though my voice sounds like crushed glass had torn my throat apart. How long had I been crying for?
Ribs frowned. “I think I should be asking you that question?”
“I’m fine.” I lied. “What’s wrong Ribs?” I wanted to forget my problems for a minute by getting lost in someone else’s problems.
“It’s about Lacie.”
“Okay, what happened?” Had Ribs love affair ended? At the lake, Ribs had told Hudson and I all about his love for a young woman working at the town’s café. Hudson and I gave Ribs some firm advice and he ended up asking Lacie out, and well, so started their love affair.
“I was actually wondering if you could come out for a bit? We wanted to ask you and Hudson something.” Ribs said, “But I get if you don’t want to leave your room.” He added with concern.
“Don’t be stupid,” I then stepped out of the room, locking the door. “Anything wrong?” I asked as we walked down the hall. I was beginning to think if Lacie broke up with Ribs, he wouldn’t take it very well.
Walking into the bar, I see Hudson getting a beer. His eyes locked on to me and I see concern. I quickly looked away. Not wanting to face my problems.
I walked to a table, sinking into a chair. Right now I just wanted to disappear. Then I heard the chair from across me be pulled out and I looked up.
“You gonna tell me what’s wrong?” Hudson said, looking at me, expecting an answer.
“No.” I said dryly and my voice still sounds terrible.
“Gabriella.” He sat his beer down. “Should I be concerned? Did something happen?”
Tears swelled in my eyes. “A car crushed my fiancé and now I’m expected to turn his life support off.” I say my problem out loud. Hudson stared into my eyes for a few minutes.
“So the doctors want you to make the call?” he said, his hand still wrapped around his beer.
I nodded my head.
“Well, you don’t have to make right away.” He says, and doesn’t seem to grasp the pressure I am under. “You’ll know when it is time to make the call, just have some faith Gabriella.”
“Faith.” I scoffed. “Faith is overrated. I had faith that I’d marry him. I had faith we would have kids. Now,” my eyes dropped and I can’t finish the sentence as my mind is darkening and so are my thoughts.
Hudson’s hand covered mine and I looked at him with tears in my eyes.
“Love ain’t fair and it ain’t easy.”
“Love, costed me one heart and I think it’s about to claim my current one too.” I slipped my hand out of his grasp. “I’m sorry. I just can’t talk about it right now.” I looked up seeing Ribs and Lacie. “That’s what love is meant to
be,”
Hudson glanced at the happy couple. “I think she is knocked up. Ain’t no man that happy with a woman unless she is carrying her child.”
“You say that like you haven’t give me that sort of smile in your lifetime.” I said, stuffing my hands in my hoodie.
Hudson looked at me, and he didn’t say anything.
Ribs approached and it’s his carefree smile that makes me wipe the tears away. He looked uneasy for a minute. But I gave him a smile.
“So you two are moving fast.” Hudson said, taking the cap off his beer. And Ribs is just staring at Lacie, like she is the love of his life.
“Yeah, about that.” Ribs said, and he nervously glanced at Hudson, making Hudson give me a look, like he was about to be proved correctly and she was knocked up or something. “We’re getting married. And Hudson, I want you to be best man.”
I burst out laughing, and Hudson choked on his beer.
“Both of you guys have supported me during the relationship.” Ribs said blinded to the fact that Hudson was taking the news of standing up at the altar terribly. I was smirking so wide, then Lacie turned to me.
“And I want you to be Maid of Honour, Gabriella.” Lacie said to me.
Hudson gives me a smug look, like we were both suffering in the same boat now. And it’s my turn for dread to fill my stomach. I opened my mouth to argue, but the couple looked so happy, and really wanted us to be up there on their special day—I could tell. I think Hudson knew that too, which was why he hadn’t argued.
“We’d be honored.” I finally said and knew I would dread this day fully.
The couple then walked off to tell others the news and Hudson and I shared a look.
He leans forward, on the table, towards me. “Well isn’t that your nightmare wrapped in a bow.” He then takes a drink of his beer.
“How the hell am I meant to plan a bridal party for a woman I don’t know.” I said, and he smirked while nodding his head, and I pointed a finger at him. “This is all your fault.”
“My fault!”
I clicked my tongue, nodding my head. “You encouraged him at the lake that day, do what makes you happy Ribs.” I air quoted him.
“How was I meant to know that his happiness would cause us sorrow?” he snapped back at me.
I groaned. “Speeches. What the fuck do I say about her!”
Hudson’s expression was priceless because he was having the same problem as me, as he thought about speeches. “I don’t even ride for the same charter or chapter with the man!” He leans forward and locked eyes with me. “You got us into this, get us out.”
“Me!”
“You said, we’d be honored.” He air quoted me.
I rolled my eyes. “What was I meant to say?”
“Fuck no, go find someone that knows you?”
“I know Ribs!”
“Well you be his best man. I’ll sit out.” He then pushed himself slightly away from the table, and my hand goes over his, slamming his hand onto the table.
“Don’t you dare go and say no!” I hissed softly at him, but deadly, like a rattlesnake.
“Why should I do it?” He challenged me.
“For me.” I say with no shame. “If you don’t do it. I’ll be paired with someone else, who I have to dance with. So for my sake, and Ribs’s friendship, you’ll do it.”
He groaned, and swiped his hand away from mine, and got up. “I’m getting another beer.”
I held back my smile, that was basically him saying he was going to do it. I saw the women screaming when Lacie told them, and I saw Lacie show the ring, my eyes went down to my bare finger. I guess happy ever after isn’t for me. I was meant to be planning a wedding, instead I was looking at turning the life support off on the man I was meant to walk down the aisle too.
I knew I had to turn the machines off, but I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t ready to let him go.
I really should get those clothes off the line, as I looked out the window, seeing the rain clouds getting closer. No. Surely it won’t rain yet. I sighed and rolled over on the bed. I had been struggling to keep my eyes open all day, after staying up so last night. And my eyelids were getting heavier.
Maddox is a man of his word, a man that could never be rocked. And as I stared up at him, relief flooding my body as I stare into his grey eyes. I missed staring into them and I don’t even know why. He hadn’t left me.
He takes a step towards me, as he cupped my face. “I’m just going for a ride baby.”
A ride? Without me? My heart started to drum to a beat I knew too well.
“Why ya crying darling, it’s just a ride?” he says with a small smile on his face.
Tears ran down my cheeks. “Then why does it feel like you’ve taken a razor to my heart and I’m bleeding out?”
He takes my hand off his cheek, bringing his lips to my knuckles. “It’s just a ride darling,” he says, while staring into my eyes.
But my heart was clenching. “Can I come? Please Maddox let me come.”
“This time darling ya can’t. But we’ll be riding together again before you know it.” And his words break me, the tears dropping quicker. “Come on darling,” he says, as he wiped the tears from under my eyes. “You’re stronger than this.”
Then he gives me this smile, then kissing my knuckles again, before letting my hands go.
“Maddox, I don’t want to stay here if you aren’t here.”
He looked at me with this sadness for a split second, before kissing my forehead and he pulled back—turning and leaving, walking for his bike.
The worst part, I couldn’t move. I couldn’t physically go after him.
He paused at the bike, and looked back at me, “Smells like rain darling, should have really got those clothes off the line.” His lips twitched up, and then he gives me his trademark smirk, mounting his bike and pulling away from me.
I sit bolt upright in bed. The sound of rain pounding down on the club roof. My heart racing, my fingers went to my eyes—feeling the tears. God, since when did I cry in my sleep? But since when did dreams feel so real? I stared out the window, watching the rain belt down over my clothes and it hits me.
My eyes widening.
He was telling me to let him go. I thought I knew what tears were, but now, as they flooded me, as my heart clenched as my world shattered—I was reminded of a time before this, when I lost my heart. What I would give right now to feel nothing. To be numb.
Fuck this. Fuck being sober. I throw the blankets back, getting up and walk straight for my bedroom dorm room, swinging it open. Only to be face to face with Hudson.
“What the fuck happened!” He growled.
“Move.” I needed drugs not an understanding shoulder to cry on. I needed to be numb.
Then he stepped into the room, closing the door. “More like you’ll tell me what happened.” And he wasn’t going to let me past him.
I could tell him the truth. Or I could hurt him to the point he’d let me go. “I don’t need you Hudson. I didn’t need you then. I don’t need you now. Move.”
I go to move past him and he puts his arm out, wrapping it around me, and pulling my back to his chest. I don’t know what it is but the tears begin to flood again, as soon as I’m in his arms.
I break, as Hudson holds me up, as earth shattering tears take over my body and its not grief it’s denial because Maddox had in some ways made the decision for me and that really hurt.
Hudson doesn’t let go of me, and in this moment, he is keeping me together.
Hudson doesn’t leave me for the rest of the day, he eventually lays me down in bed. And he holds me as I shake in silent tears, and when I begin to sober up—I wanted him to leave so I could get my hands on drugs.
“Darling?”
I was staring directly across the room, my back against Hudson’s chest, as he refused to give up on me.
“You going to tell me what happened?” He was concerned and I sort of understood. I had never been in su
ch a state and I had never broken down like that in front of anyone.
I turned onto my back, staring up at him. Can I say it out loud? Can I do that? “I’m turning Maddox’s life support off.” And I do say it out loud.
My eyes didn’t blur over with tears. Instead I just laid there, and watched as Hudson frowned.
“You sure you ready?” he says, and I’m a little surprised by it. “Cause by your reaction today, I don’t think you are.” How was I expected to react! I went to yell at him, but he spoke before I could. “Waiting another few weeks, or months, it might give you a better state of mind.”
“Maddox wouldn’t want this.”
“He’d want you to be able to live with the decision though Gabriella. So give yourself more time.” His hand brushed the tears that had fallen down my cheeks away. “Another few weeks won’t hurt anyone or anything.”
“He’s gone Hudson.” I choked out, “And I need to accept that. I need to let him go.”
I wasn’t sure how the fuck I was going to do it. I didn’t know logically how I would turn off the machines to a man that I love with all my heart. So I decided in that moment, I would let Maddox go. Because that’s what he would have wanted me to do.
Four Weeks Later
I was fucking nervous as Lacie’s makeup was done. I was freaking out. My anxiety was through the roof. Can’t help but think that the bride is meant to be the anxious one, not me. Yet, here I was chain smoking. When I started thinking of ways to get out of it, I knew I needed help. Like I was thinking of passing out to get out of this wedding.
So I brought up Hudson’s number.
I need help. And I sent those words.
My phone buzzed in my hand immediate. What’s happened? You ok? I was writing back when another message popped up on my screen. Anxiety? I wanted to laugh at how well Hudson knew me, but couldn’t because I was freaking the fuck out.
Yes. I sent back.
Watching the speech bubbles pop up, as he wrote back. I knew he’d been drinking. I knew he would be with Ribs. He also had the pleasant experience of being responsible for all the men behaving today. So who was I expecting him to be the one to keep my sanity together? I was about to type back, don’t worry when his message appeared.
