Love & Ruin (The Love & Ruin Series Book 1)

by J. A. Owenby

  “I never want to push you, so you’ll have to set the pace. I need you to know if I stop, it’s not because I don’t want to be with you. The opposite. When things get intense, I’ll need a break. You also need to realize if you choose for things to progress physically, even if we’re about to have sex—if you say no, it means no. I’ll back away immediately.”

  Tears burned the back of my eyes, and I swallowed the ball of emotions that threatened to erupt. “It’s too much to ask of you. If we were that close to being together, it’s mean to say no.”

  “No it's not. In my opinion, if a girl changes her mind, for whatever reason—fear, uncertainty, she's just not ready—the guy needs to respect her wishes. He can go take a cold shower for God’s sake. No one has a right to cross that line.”

  I nodded and placed my head on his shoulder while he gently stroked my hair. I slowly looked up at him, eye to eye. “Are you for real or am I going to wake up in the morning and discover all of this never happened?” My stomach tightened at the mere thought of not seeing him tomorrow, but even more at the idea of how his betrayal could absolutely wreck me.

  Then I remembered how it all started—him sitting at my table and refusing to be chased off, sharing his music with me, and us writing a song together. The clincher had been when he'd taken me to Seattle, no questions asked, watched me fall apart, and had followed me back to the car and said my past changed nothing. He might not have recognized it yet, but I was a goner, and he held my fragile heart in the palm of his hand.

  He smiled at me. Each second, my heart pounded against my chest while I waited for what he’d say next. “Gem, I thought the same thing. Would you process things tonight with Mac and change your mind? Would this be my last day with you? What if I never had the chance to look into your beautiful eyes this way again? Kiss you—” His voice trailed off, thick with emotion. “I’m not going anywhere, and I hope to God you won’t be either.”

  I answered him with another kiss.

  “I should go in and talk to Mac,” I said, reluctantly.

  He covered his mouth and chuckled. “Sorry, it’s not funny. I don’t envy you on this one, and I know what you’re in for.”

  “Thanks,” I said dryly. “Thank you for today. For everything.”

  “Just tell me there will be a tomorrow,” he said, his forehead creasing with concern.

  I realized I’d not given him a verbal response when he basically asked if I was going to wake up tomorrow and change my mind about us.

  “There will be a tomorrow for us, Hendrix.” I smiled, watching the tension melt away and his shoulders relax.

  “Good. Let’s get you inside,” he said.

  He walked around to my side of the car and opened the door for me. Although I loved being an independent girl, I liked that he opened doors for me, too. It made me feel cherished and respected.

  We walked up the sidewalk hand in hand, taking our time, unwilling to let each other go. Despite how difficult the day had been, there were also some amazing moments, and I didn’t think he wanted it to end any more than I did. Contrary to my fear, being alone with him all day had ended up a safe cocoon, and I found myself not wanting to leave.

  “Guess this is it for tonight,” he said, stopping in front of the door and turning toward me.

  “I don’t want it to end,” I blurted, flushing furiously.

  “Me either, but I understand Mac needs some answers.”

  I nodded as he wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me to him, my hands resting on his muscular chest.

  “No one said I couldn’t kiss you a little bit longer, though.”

  Ignoring everyone and everything around us, I met him in a world that only existed of us, of his lips on mine, the heat from our bodies touching, our hearts beating wildly. He pulled me tighter against him, and I felt his full desire through his jeans. My first reaction was to back away and run, but I remained still, noting the length and hardness of him. Trembles traveled through me as fear won out.

  He stepped away quickly, allowing a few inches between us. “I don’t know if you need me to back away or hold you.” His words were raw with a mix of need and emotion. There was no way this could be easy for him.

  “Space. At least this time.” I looked away, regaining my footing and smiling sadly at him. “I feel bad, but I don’t know what else to do.”

  He took one step toward me, his hands remaining at his sides. “Never, ever, feel bad, Gemma.”

  Chewing my bottom lip, I nodded. “Guess I’d better go.” I didn’t want things to end like this, though. I stood on my tiptoes, placed my hands on his shoulders, and kissed him. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” I reassured him.

  “I’ll be counting the minutes until you’re next to me again,” he whispered in my ear before he walked away.

  My gaze lingered on him as he strolled back down the sidewalk. This time, I took him all in. Warmth spread through me as I chewed my lower lip and noted the way his jeans hugged his ass and muscular legs. How his broad, solid shoulders and back filled out his navy fitted shirt. I sighed. Was it too much to hope he really would show up again tomorrow and the day after? Unfortunately, only time would tell, and there wasn’t a damned thing I could do to speed it up.

  Chapter 16

  I drew in a deep breath and opened our dorm room door. Mac sat on the corner of her bed, studying. Her gaze slowly drifted up to me.

  “Hey,” I said, dread seeping into me as I realized I’d have to explain everything to her.

  “I’m not sure I’m speaking to you...Wait, did you just walk through the dorm without your hat and glasses? Did you take them off while you were with Hendrix?” She leaned forward, her eyes widening as she stared at me. “Are you burning your hats? I mean, not the cute knit one I gave you, but the ugly denim hats? Because I think a ceremony to celebrate is in order. I mean, holy Hannah, this is huge, but wait. Did you take them off right before you walked into the room and I’m jumping to conclusions because I do that, and obviously I’m not even giving you a millisecond to say anything, but dammit, Gemma, I’m so hot pissed at you right now.” She paused and took a breath.

  “We can burn them,” I said softly.

  “Oh my God. I’m marking this on the calendar because whatever happened today, whoever you were when you walked out of this door, is not the same Gemma that is standing in front of me right now. And as your best bestie ever, I need full deets. Don’t even think about leaving a single thing out, because I will stalk my brother until he tells me. I’ve had years of practice wearing him down, it’s a skill I could seriously put on my resume.”

  I held my hands up in surrender. “You won’t have to, but if you want to hear everything, you have to hush.”

  Her face fell but lit up again. “Okay, sit down,” she said, patting an empty space on her bed.

  My eyebrow shot up. “You cleaned up your side of the room?” I asked incredulously.

  “I told you I was scared out of my head and worried sick about you. I didn’t know what else to do other than clean. It took me hours,” she groaned and smacked her forehead with the palm of her hand. “You can sit on my bed while we catch up tonight.”

  I pulled my glasses out of my pocket and laid them on my desk. “Guess I left my hat in Hendrix’s car,” I muttered and grabbed a box of tissues for us and sat down on her bed, facing her.

  “Uh-oh,” she said. “Tissues and you’re facing me. This can’t be good.”

  “It’s a mixed bag, Mac.”

  She bit her lip and I nearly laughed. At least she was trying not to ramble.

  “I asked Hendrix to take me to Seattle. I swear, I thought about telling you last night, but I wasn’t sure I’d go through with it. There wouldn't be anything to tell you if I’d grown feathers and chickened out. Besides, you would have worried all day about it. I blew it though, and I should have told you something. Instead, I scared you, and for that I’m so sorry. You’re my best friend, Mac, and never in a million years would I in
tentionally hurt you.”

  “Best friend?” she asked, tears filling her eyes. “You’ve never called me that before.”

  “Yeah, you’re the best, best friend I’ve ever had other than Ada Lynn,” I said, smiling gently.

  Mac lunged forward and wrapped her arms around my neck. I hugged her back, my heart singing with how happy she was.

  She sat back and wiped off her cheeks. I pulled a few tissues out of the box and handed them to her. “I haven’t even started and you’re tearing up on me already,” I teased, giving her a Kleenex. “I’m not sure where to start really.”

  “Wherever works,” she said.

  “I was fourteen,” I started. Nausea swirled inside my stomach as I gathered my words to repeat everything to her. “I was brutally raped.”

  Mac gasped, covering her mouth with both of her hands.

  “I realize you already knew something had happened to me.” I bit my lip and continued. “I didn’t know the man, and he hurt me really bad,” I choked out. “When I finally staggered home, my hair and face were filthy, my dress was torn, my legs were bruised and bloody.”

  “Gemma,” she whispered through her fingers.

  Tears spilled down both of our cheeks as I continued. “My father is a religious man and weeks later when we found out I was pregnant...” My head dropped, the heaviness of the memory crushing me again.

  Mac released the most heartbreaking cry I’d ever heard, other than my own. My best friend full-on sobbed while I struggled to not fall apart with her. She reached for me, and we grasped each other’s hand as though it was our only lifeline left before we fell over the cliff.

  “He made me carry to term and deliver my son.” No longer able to manage my feelings, I broke down next to her, my shoulders shaking with all the emotions of seeing my son earlier in the day. No matter what the circumstances, he was a part of me. And there was no mistaking his red hair.

  A few minutes later we’d collected ourselves enough for me to continue.

  “I died inside during that time. Mom and Dad were never the same, and I was a terrified shell of a girl. I rarely left the house, I was homeschooled, and the only other person I really saw was Ada Lynn. She was the person who helped me walk out of the house after everything. And even then, it was only from my house next door to hers. It was like that for several years.”

  “Oh my God,” Mac said, her face twisting with grief.

  “About seven or eight months ago, I started to chew on the idea of attending a college outside of my home. I was already taking a few online classes, but I wondered if I could leave the house and start over somewhere. The thought terrified me, but I applied to a few schools anyway. I remember the day I got the acceptance letter to attend here, Ada Lynn was outside on her porch and knew something important had shown up in the mail for me. I suck at hiding my facial expressions, it’s one of the reasons I got the hat and glasses before I came out here. Anyway, she grabbed the mail from me and was elated I’d applied. She’s the reason I’m here. She paid for my bus ticket and put a little bit of money in a checking account for me. We planned everything out, too. My parents had no idea I’d left until they woke up the next morning and found the note I’d left them.”

  “What? Gemma, sorry for saying this, but that’s full-on shitty.”

  My jaw clenched, and guilt surged through me. “I know, Mac. My father would have never let me walk out the door, though. He would have physically blocked me from leaving. Anytime I’d mentioned moving and attending college, he’d shut me down, telling me it wasn’t God’s will for me to go.”

  A beat of silence hung in the air, and then Mac recovered. “God’s will or your dad’s wishes? I mean—shit. I know you grew up in the Bible Belt and probably went to church for most of your life, but I swear people hide behind religion to manipulate others or not deal with their own shit.”

  I shrugged my shoulder. “I’m not going to disagree with you, Mac. I think my dad saw the remnants of what used to be his sweet little girl. Raped and broken, changed forever. And he felt as if he'd failed me. Fathers are supposed to protect their children. I think his guilt and shame controlled him after everything, and he thought if he kept me at home forever, I’d be safe.” As the words left my lips, for the first time, I really understood Dad’s motives. There was no way I could justify them, but at least I understood. It seemed with understanding the situation, peace wasn’t far behind.

  “Anyway, here I am.”

  “I can’t imagine how hard it was for you to come out here. Weren’t you scared shitless?” She palmed her forehead. “And I charged at you the second you walked into our door. Hell, even before, when I picked you up and gave you a ride.” Her mouth gaped as she put everything together. “And you’re still talking to me,” she said, dismayed.

  I laughed. “You were a little hard to stomach at first, but I wouldn’t trade you for anything in the world now.”

  “Really?” she asked before she hugged me again.

  “Really.” I patted her on the back and smiled.

  She sat back, and her mouth fell open. “Holy hell! Hendrix. If he took you to Seattle, how does this all fit together?”

  “Jordan is there. I went so I could see my son and tell Hendrix the truth. I did it for me, but also to see if Hendrix really did care about me and wasn’t after one thing. Even though you said he wasn’t, I needed to know for myself. A part of me figured if he could handle today, he was for real. But...”

  “Oh God, please tell me he did okay.” She covered her mouth with her hand again, waiting for my answer. Hendrix was close to perfect in her opinion.

  If he had responded any differently, I think it would have crushed Mac. “It was a lot, Mac. I freaked out on him after I saw Jordan, and I had a complete meltdown. Hendrix didn’t know what to do for me...suddenly, I had a kid. I told him everything, and...he just stared at me silently.”

  “Oh shit, Hendrix, you didn’t,” she muttered.

  “I walked back to the car and realized it was too much for him. I’d fucked up royally hoping for anything different.”

  “I’m going to kill him. How could he, after everything you’ve been through and told him today? I can’t believe he treated you like that!”

  “I’m not finished. Don’t kill him yet. I have no idea how long I was at the car by myself, but eventually he joined me.”

  “You’re killing me over here, hurry up,” Mac said, her expression filling with anticipation while she grabbed her pillow, biting the corner of it.

  I swallowed a laugh, but it was only because I knew how the day had ended.

  “He said it had changed nothing between us.”

  Mac full on flung herself backward on the bed and covered her face with her hands. Her petite body shuddered with a heavy sigh, then she sprang back up into a sitting position. “Wait, what does it mean? Nothing has changed?”

  “We have a date,” I said, grinning shyly.

  Mac released a loud whoop as she bounced on the bed. “I’m so fucking proud of you!”

  I giggled while she stood and performed a happy dance on the bed. Stopping mid-dance, she sank back down into a sitting position. “Wait, your hat.”

  “Oh, yeah. After he told me everything was okay between us, and he still wanted to take me out, I slipped off my glasses and removed my hat.”

  Mac gasped. “What did he do?”

  “Kissed me,” I said, biting my thumbnail grinning.

  “Shit, this is the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard,” she cried. “It doesn’t get better than this!”

  “Oh, yes it does,” I said, giggling behind my hand.

  “Oh my God, you two are going to be like two teenagers making out every chance you can. Ugh, and I’m with you both on a regular basis.” She rolled her eyes in revulsion and grinned. “So, sis, when are you two going out?” she asked, smacking me on the arm.

  I blushed at her calling me sis. “I don’t know yet. I think we’re just taking tonight to process
everything. He said nothing had changed, but I’m scared I’ll wake up tomorrow, and he’ll have had time to think about everything. Then...then he’ll break my heart.”

  Mac cringed. “I wish I could tell you differently, but I can only speculate. I’ve never seen Hendrix like this with a girl before, though.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked, tilting my head in question.

  “He’s had girlfriends, but music has always been his real love. So girls have come and gone. I’m in new Hendrix territory right along with you.”

  My shoulders slumped. “That doesn’t make me feel better at all. I have to admit, the only reason I’ve spent time alone with him is because he’s your brother and you speak so highly of him.”

  She reached out and patted my arm. “What I can tell you is, as long as I’ve known Hendrix, he’s a guy of his word, and I’d be stunned if he changed all of a sudden. I’d wonder if he was on drugs or something.” Her eyebrow cocked up at me with her words.

  “Thanks, but I really unloaded on him, and he reacted strongly.” My mind drifted back to the gas station earlier in the evening. I had no intention of sharing it with Mac, however. It was too raw and personal.

  “I can only imagine how it tore him up. Hell, it tore me up.”

  “Now that we’re talking about it, and you understand what happened. I wanted to let you know that I wouldn’t have made it this far without you, so thank you. For everything.”

  “Shit,” Mac said, fanning herself with her hands. “You’re going to make me cry again. But hey, no prob. It’s what best friends do.”

  I smiled at her and nodded. “Can you tell me?”

  Mac shot me a quizzical look.

  “About whatever happened to you?” I asked gently, a shiver of fear shooting down my spine afraid of what she’d say.

  “Oh. I guess it’s only fair, right?” she said twirling her braid, her anxiety apparent.

  “You don’t have to,” I said.

  “No, you need to know.” She took a deep breath and expelled it. “It’s like it was all a movie, like what we see on Netflix or something. I was a senior in high school, and Hendrix was already attending here. Some friends and I found out about a frat party, and I asked Hendrix if he was going. He said no, he’d rather write music and record than spend time with a bunch of assholes.”