My Life in Lists

by Guy Browning

  For a monkey he needs a shocking amount of equipment.

  I spend 13% of every day searching the house/car/garden for Hooee.

  I am thinking 30 years ahead for my kids, 10 minutes for me.

  Days out are planned and executed like the invasion of Normandy.

  I am far more emotional. I was in tears writing point 5.

  Spontaneous affection from Leo cancels all debts.

  I have shifted up a generation and inadvertently matured.

  Physically and mentally me and Abi are incapable of ever having sex again.

  What We’re Going to Call Baby Number Two

  If it’s a girl I’d like to call her Belinda. Not after the pop singer.

  Abi went to school with a Belinda who was a bitch. So that’s out.

  Abi has had a very strong dream that she’s having a boy.

  Her friend Penny who knows everything says the bump is boy-shaped.

  We now both agree that we’re going to call him Edward. Or Eddy.

  Sorry, Teddy. I thought she said Eddy.

  If I’d known she meant Teddy I wouldn’t have agreed to Edward.

  She says she’ll compromise with Edmund.

  That’s not a compromise, that’s a completely different name.

  And a rubbish one. Unless you’re an Edmund type. Which ours won’t be.

  Interesting Things About Our Lovely Little Girl Amelia

  She’s a girl.

  Very beautiful.

  Surprisingly sweet-tempered.

  But she doesn’t sleep. Ever.

  She’s just not interested in sleep.

  She is a night animal. She goes to sleep at 4am.

  I am so tired I’m not going to make it to

  Point

  Ten.

  Sorry.

  Why We Are Moving to a Village in the Country

  It’s not really a village and it’s not really the country.

  But it’s not the centre of town. You can’t get a pizza delivered.

  We want to bring up our kids so they appreciate cows, tractors, etc.

  We will be closer to Abi’s parents who will babysit under extreme duress.

  Our money gets a larger house and a garden for theoretical vegetables.

  There are good local schools. Correction. There is one local school.

  It’s been rated Outstanding by DEFRA. Surely that should be OFSTED.

  We’ve left a lot of our friends behind. I can’t remember which ones.

  The ones worth keeping will make the pilgrimage to the country.

  And they can meet our new rural friends. Who are all from the city.

  My Top 10 Silences

  Moments of such transcendent natural beauty that everyone shuts up.

  Exiting into the cool night air from a party full of loud people and music.

  Sunday afternoon when your neighbour finishes mowing his bloody lawn.

  When, after hours of screaming, an overtired baby finally falls asleep.

  After replacing bad shaft couplings to driven devices such as turbofans.

  Watching a Party Political Broadcast on mute.

  After a chess move when your opponent slowly realises he’s buggered.

  Running so smoothly that you’re alone with the beating of your heart.

  Diving into a swimming pool and gliding underwater with trunks intact.

  With someone you’re about to kiss when there is nothing left to say.

  Looking Back, Where I Think My Career Went a Little Bit Wrong

  Henry VIIIfn1 took me aside and said that I had real potential.

  That normally meant extra menial work so I said nothing.

  He then said that if I wanted to I could make it to senior management.

  But I needed to reduce the fieldwork and be more office-based.

  At the same time he said Ron was being moved to Special Projects.

  Which is where you’re basically fired but work on rewiring toasters.

  Ron said he was now just working on the really interesting stuff.

  Projects that other people struggled with. Did I want to help?

  I liked Ron so I said yes. He was properly fired shortly afterwards.

  Which left me doing small field projects that no one else wanted.

  fn1 Ron’s Tudor-style boss.

  How My Parents Are Shaping Up as Grandparents

  My father insists the grandchildren should call him Grumps.

  I’ve told him he’s going to be called Grandpa. And now he’s grumpy.

  It turns out that my father has never changed a nappy.

  He was visibly shocked at the contents.

  Maybe he thought nappies were fashion items.

  My mother sings the kids songs while playing the piano.

  They are mostly terrified. As I was 30 years ago.

  She does cook cakes at the drop of a scone which everyone loves.

  To their credit they are always available for babysitting.

  But they like to be home in bed by 10. Which is earlier than the babies.

  An Insight into My Sister from a Boyfriend Who Made It Out

  I thought Charlotte was going out with a man named Gary.

  I don’t remember much about him apart from what he does for a living.

  When I first asked him he said ‘abrasives’. He sold sandpaper.

  I’ve never been able to sand anything down since without thinking of him.

  As I very rarely sand anything down, I very rarely think about him.

  Until I met him in Boots with a different woman who had rough heels.fn1

  Gary said that he had split up with Charlotte a good two years ago.

  He wanted marriage, kids, holidays, sex, life – that kind of thing.

  As he spoke, Rough Heels continually shook her head and mouthed ‘bitch’.

  Which seemed harsh. Charlotte’s supposed to be the nice one.

  fn1 She was buying some cream for them. I wanted to suggest sandpaper.

  Secret Little Rituals I Have to Make Life More Bearable

  I wedge myself in the corner until the shower runs hot so I avoid cold water.

  I am physically afraid of cold water. It’s like my nemesis.

  I have three ginger nuts with my coffee. Two isn’t enough. Four is too many.

  That’s absolutely allowed because ginger is virtually a medicine.

  In the winter I put my pants on the radiator. Clean ones obviously.

  Starting the day with warm privates makes everything seem better.

  When I’m out and about I always park facing the direction of departure.

  However bad the party/meeting is you’re already on your way home.

  I have been known to wear two dressing gowns at once.

  Abi finds this odd. Three would be odd but two is actually quite sensible.

  Why the Bedroom I Grew Up in Is No More

  My room now has shelves on all sides with classics of world literature.

  My dad took early retirement at 58 because it was too good to refuse.

  Mum now spends a lot more time at work (‘to help with the bills’).

  At first there was an absolute deluge of vegetables from the garden.

  Dad then decided to see what the fuss was about literature.

  He created a spreadsheet of 500 books worth reading.

  He buys them second-hand online and then reads them, frowning.

  Marks are awarded for story, atmosphere, characters.

  Middlemarchfn1 nearly killed him. 4/10.

  So far Pompeii by Robert Harris is the world’s best literature. 9¾/10.

  fn1 Mum’s all-time favourite book.

  My 10-Point Plan for Safety at Work

  Conduct a visual investigation before connecting meters to branch circuit.

  Take voltage measurements using a true-rms instrument device.

  Test for correct wiring polarity using a ground-impedance tester.

  Test for improper neutral-ground bonds
.

  Measure the impedance of the equipment-grounding conductor.

  Measure neutral impedance (should not exceed 0.25 ohm).

  Measure electrical noise using an oscilloscope with a line viewer.

  Measure electrostatic discharge with electrostatic-discharge voltmeter.

  Capture voltage disturbances by connecting a power-line monitor.

  Perform a harmonic analysis of voltage waveform.

  My 10-Point Plan for Safety at Home

  On returning home, check Abi for new hair, clothes, work problems.

  Do not attempt to have an opinion until everyone has eaten.

  Check for toys on carpet, especially wheeled ones.

  Never attempt to change nappies standing up (man or baby).

  Start bedtime (for kids) while you still have energy.

  Do not attempt to skip middle part of bedtime story.

  Never mention Abi’s mother except in glowing terms.

  Try really hard not to make glowing terms sound like heavy sarcasm.

  Ignore anything Abi says after third vodka.

  Before adult bedtime perform a harmonic analysis of voltage waveform.

  Really Upsetting Things You See on the News

  Famine. How can you watch that while you’re eating your tea?

  War. There is an endless supply of excuses for people to kill each other.

  Murder. Must be quite easy to kill someone. We’re quite fragile.

  Flooding. I don’t like my socks being wet let alone my house.

  Sexual abuse. Sometimes I think penises should be licensed.

  Corruption. What can one man do with 60 million dollars anyway?

  Ivory hunting. Like taking your wisdom teeth out and leaving you to die.

  Alexander Cartwright. No longer Alex. Youngest ever Defence Secretary.

  I don’t remember him playing war games when we were at primary school.

  But then apparently he wasn’t there. Perhaps he was a stealth fighter.

  Why I’m Beginning to Think Tom Stole My Hollywood Career

  Tom emailed me to say he’d got a decent part in a Hollywood film.

  I told him that: A. He was a wanker. B. I hated him.

  He said that was a shame because I could have shared his Winnebago.

  I told him that by rights that Winnebago should have my name on it.

  Because when I couldn’t lead the army across the stage he got my part.

  Just because he was good-looking and had extraordinary stage presence.

  And I had hamstrings like steel cables and walked like a flamingo.

  Then he got other parts, with speaking, and acting, and great reviews.

  Which I would have got had I been able to walk for my walk-on part.

  Obviously engineering is better but please say hello to Emily Blunt for me.

  Responsible Long-Term Financial Planning Like My Dad Does

  Because I am mature and responsible I have been checking our finances.

  Abi is back at work three days a week which helps.

  The cost of the nursery is equivalent to her working two days a week.

  I have taken a lower-paid, lower-skilled job which keeps me in the UK.

  So I can do my fair share of the childcare. I love the little stinkers.

  We can afford a holiday in a cottage in Wales for a week off-season.

  The mortgage is OK if we wear the same clothes for the rest of our lives.

  We are rapidly developing an ideological commitment to state education.

  I told Abi that things are going to work out if we’re careful.

  She told me she’s pregnant. That’s Wales out.

  Why I Am Thinking of Changing Our New Baby’s Name to ‘Peace’

  Daniel was born in a little cottage hospital with just two beds.

  It was like a spa weekend with an incredibly painful treatment.

  There was even a big TV in the room to watch the snooker.fn1

  Daniel came out relatively easily. I stress RELATIVELY.

  He latched on no trouble and then something miraculous happened.

  He slept.

  And slept and slept. When he woke up he smiled. Then slept.

  We took him home and he slept through the night.

  We had no idea babies could do that.

  We might have been worried if we hadn’t been utterly asleep ourselves.

  fn1 If one wasn’t completely committed to the birthing process which I was.

  My First Encounter with a Kebab

  My life has been reduced to changing nappies and checking substations.

  I do nappies during the night, substations during the day.

  Substations are easier. They don’t wriggle, cry or smell.

  After three nappies, four hours’ sleep and two substations I pull over.

  I sleep in lay-bys with Aretha Franklin. It’s the closest I get to sex.

  I thought I was in Spanish Harlemfn1 until someone tapped on my window.

  It was the owner of Best Istanbul Kebabs. I was parked where he parks.

  I moved down the lay-by to get some more sleep. He gave me a kebab.

  I’ve never eaten a kebab before. Just haven’t got round to it. Very nice.

  That’s the most exciting thing to report in my life at the moment.

  fn1 Greatest song by the Queen of Soul.

  My Fear That My Parents Are Actually Turning into Each Other

  My mother is now the manager of two hospices.

  She basically raised the money for the second one.

  It was a team effort. Which is what you say when you’re in charge.

  She is the breadwinner of the house now.

  Even though she earns only slightly more than Dad’s pension.

  Which annoys her. She is thinking of applying for other jobs.

  Because she has transferable skills.

  Dad says they didn’t mention transferable skills in Middlemarch.

  He says she will end up working in civil engineering, possibly underground.

  But I know she won’t. Especially if Dad says she will.

  A List of My Top 10 Blessings Now That I Am 42

  We have a lovely six-year-old boy called Leo.

  We have a beautiful four-year-old girl called Amelia.

  We have a cheeky one-year-old boy called Daniel.

  I am relatively healthy apart from a dodgy cruciate ligament.

  And some kind of weird internal breakage in my ribcage.

  Which I don’t remember getting and is probably nothing but can hurt.

  I’ve got a very solid if quite dull job which pays the bills.

  I have some good friends. Including Tom who is moderately famous.

  We own roughly 63% of a quite nice family house. With guttering issues.

  My parents are still around, relatively healthy and helpful.

  Ten Things I’ve Noticed About Abi’s New Job

  She works for a very large charity that does wonderful things.

  It should be full of wonderful charitable people but it isn’t.

  The level of unpleasantness is off the scale compared to engineers.

  Despite this she seems to be very happy.

  I’ve noticed her blooming in the way pregnant women are supposed to.

  I don’t think she enjoyed the slave labour of having three kids under five.

  She’s now paid to make rational decisions in an air-conditioned office.

  With regular breaks for coffee and lunch and a glass of wine after work.

  She could work from home more but she generally chooses not to.

  In some small way I feel left behind.

  How a Telegram from the Queen May Have Killed My Nan

  For the last six years Nan has been in a home.

  She has one incredibly hot room with the television permanently on.

  There is a crane to help lift her in and out of bed.

  She has pictures of flowers and grandchildren all around he
r.

  When she got to 100 she received a letter from Her Majesty the Queen.

  Nan seemed to regard this as Permission to Stop.

  She didn’t get out of bed any more.

  More seriously she didn’t bother looking at the Radio Times.

  I was there when she died. Each breath became more sporadic.

  And then there wasn’t another one. I felt her spirit leave the room.fn1

  fn1 Not in the engineering textbooks, but that’s what I felt.

  Realistically What the Best Things About Kids Are

  They love you unconditionally because you’re their dad.

  Even when you deliberately kill off Thomas the Tank Engine.

  Because you’re so sick of him and his mates that your eyeballs bleed.

  They carry your vital genetic inheritance (splayed toes) on to eternity.

  They say things that are fantastically rude with no malice whatsoever.

  You can tickle children and they laugh. Unlike your boss.

  They remind you quite often that you are neither funny nor clever.

  Or interesting, or cool, or hip, or technologically literate.

  They get excited about life. And that is contagious. Up to about 8pm.

  They’re going to be paying for your nursing home.

  Drawbacks of Children Prospective Parents Should Be Aware Of

  Your beautifully arranged life is completely and utterly destroyed.

  Children pull stickiness from the air and smear it on EVERYTHING.

  They make noise four times greater than their bodyweight. Continuously.

  They will never return a toy to its place until they too are parents.

  Thomas the Tank Engine is torture. He is SO ACHINGLY DULL.

  Kids are very expensive, especially if you choose to feed and clothe them.