Brown Baby
Page 1
A Memoir of Race,
Family and Home
NIKESH
SHUKLA
To all the brown babies out there,
especially my two. This is all for you.
Contents
How to bring you into the world
How to talk to you about your skin colour
How to talk to you about being a girl
How to talk to you about my mum
How to talk to you about food
How to talk to you about the end of the world
How to tell you it’s time for bed? (fucking hell, go to sleep)
How to talk to you about your heritage
How do I talk to you about my mum, especially when I need my mum?
How can we talk about personal and civic responsibility and still be joyful and boundless?
How to show you the world, shining shimmering splendid
References
Acknowledgements
Author Biography
Bibliography
To be loved, baby, hard, at once, and forever,
to strengthen you against the loveless world . . .
James Baldwin, The Fire Next Time, 1962
It makes me glad
That you will have things I have never had
When out of men’s hearts all the hate is hurled
You’re gonna live in a better world
Brown baby
Oscar Brown Jr
I never considered becoming a parent myself until my mum died. I’d like to think there was a moment when the switch flicked on, or the force field came down, or the upgrade happened (between the hours of 1 a.m. and 4 a.m., plugged into a power source, wi-fi switched on). It was nothing like that. Nothing dramatic happened. There was no tearful staring out over a field of bluebells, no Proustian cake-chewing revelation and no need to cement my legacy. You didn’t appear to me in a dream. I didn’t read a saccharine poem about inheritance. I didn’t hold a friend’s baby and suddenly have the big final chorus of Barry Manilow’s ‘Looks Like We Made It’ erupt in my head. Nope. I did not hear that over-the-top big-voiced earnest finale rattle through my ear hairs.
You just arrived. One minute, your mum and I were getting drunk at Christmas and the next, there you were, in my arms. Asleep. Your clenched fists covering your face, much like they did on the ultrasound. Your nails were long. Your eyes were closed. You . . . looked just like her. Just like my mum. Maybe it was a trick of my imagination. Or some sort of sleep-deprived adrenaline-fuelled tether, to bring you into the family. Maybe you just sorta looked like Mum in the way babies and old people are indistinguishably vole-like in certain lights. I tried to capture it on my camera. But you know how photographs capture moments and never the narratives that prescribe them? Some photographs lack intent. Others capture fragments and only you can zero in on the history of that moment. Everyone else can just see the vole-baby with her claws over her face.
I look at it now and that photo of you looks like you and not like her. My mind was playing tricks on me in those early moments because when I first took in your face, all I could see was my mum. It was like she was alive again and I was whole.
The quick cameraphone photo I took, when I checked it hours later, on the toilet – because this was the only sanctum left (how wrong I was; I have no sanctum), in the maelstrom of your first day on Earth, where I could justify looking at my phone – looked nothing like what I thought I had captured. It looked like you. And not her. The photograph was of your face, a new entry, something I had not seen before, someone I had not yet met. A stranger. And yet, when I walked back into the bedroom, and saw you, asleep on your back, in your own mother’s arms, the only light coming from the landing, I saw it again. I saw her in you.
Were you her, reborn?
I shook the thought from my head. How could I project onto a baby, the blankest of canvases, my own grief? How unfair.
And when you cried, I took you in my arms, and went into another room. I stood in the window and swayed from side to side. The curtains were open and I looked out into the windows of the flats behind our house. The man with the beard was washing up, as he always seemed to do. In the room below him, two people I’d never seen before were holding on to a bowl and moving it in a slow, controlled ceremonious circle between them. I don’t know what an ayahuasca ceremony looks like but I wondered if the bowl had some sort of hallucinogenic liquid in it. The guy who had his window open every single day all year round for unknown reasons that drove me crazy with speculation had his window open.
I say none of this so you think I’m a creep who spends his time staring into other people’s homes.
I say this so you know that, in that moment, as I stared down at you, trying to take stock of the fact that my entire world had changed, my entire life was on a new course, everything else around us was exactly as it should be. The world continued to turn and not move to the beat of just one drum. And that grounded me. It stopped me freaking the fuck out.
In India, the Ganges river is worshipped as representative of the goddess Ganga. Ashes are scattered in the Ganges. People wash themselves as a way of honouring Ganga, hoping to wash away sins, have a new start, change their fortune. Moksha. It is freedom from life and death. That’s what Ganga can bring us. The Ganges descends from heaven to earth. She is also the vehicle of ascent, from earth to heaven, a crossing point of all beings, the living as well as the dead. We scattered my mother’s ashes in the Ganges. And here she was, reborn in you, my Ganga. My liberation from life and death. My fortune. You were my Ganga. A renewal. You were my moksha. Bringing me a sense of rebirth, emancipation, enlightenment, liberation and release. I had been knocked off course by my mum’s death. And now here you were. To bring me back.
My Ganga.
I held you tight.
I sang to you. Quietly. So your mum could sleep. I sang ‘Brown Baby’, a lullaby by Oscar Brown Jr, inspired by the birth of his son, Oscar III. I knew the song, Brown’s first recorded one, from a cover Nina Simone performed live at the Village Gate in 1962. Your mum had heard it randomly one day on the radio, not long after we knew she was pregnant with you. She sent me a link to it and I felt a weakness in my knees, knowing that the sentiment applied to us as well. So I sang it to you on your first night, a way of saying hello, letting you know what sort of world awaited you, who was in your corner and how we were going to get through this.
I sang it to you softly, Ganga. It felt apt. Here you were, a brown baby, born into a world that felt less welcoming to you than it should have done, a new citizen of a country that used to be better at pretending it was friendly towards immigrants and their kin – you know, when we were gonna do the shitty jobs no one else wanted to do. You know, saris, steel bands and samosas. I sang and I cried because I was so tired and the sleep deprivation made that song’s lyrics resonate loudly.
When out of men’s heart all hate is hurled
Sweetie you gonna live in a better world
Brown baby brown baby brown baby.
I knew the song was about the civil rights struggle in America, but with all the injustice around us in this country and with this bubbling hate I was seeing online, it felt important in that moment to tell you that you were a brown baby. And I had your back.
‘Listen,’ I told you, holding you up and whispering in your ears. ‘You are a proud brown woman. My mum would have loved to have met you. But she isn’t here and I will do everything I can to ensure that I raise you as she would have liked to have seen. She came from a family of activists. Her brother made UK legal history. Her dad won awards for his humanitarian work. My mum broke patriarchal taboos in our culture in the Sixties. And I don’t want to be the sort of nonsense dad who tells you what you can and can’t do, who you shoul
d and shouldn’t be. I just want you to know, brown baby, that you can be whoever you want to be. Unless you really want to be a dickhead. Please don’t be a dickhead.’
At this point you started crying because, well, you’d been alive for three hours and already this stranger was monologuing at you while we spied on the neighbours.
I looked up. Now, the two people waving the ceremonial bowl had stopped what they were doing. One pressed the other against the window and they kissed.
I turned my back to them, to give them some privacy, and carried on singing.
I want you to stand up tall and proud
And I want you to speak up clear and loud
Brown baby.
Grief is a trickster. It lacks consistency or reason. It sets traps in the banal and mundane. It never arrives at the significant moments you expect it to. My mum’s birthday is never an explosion of tears. The actual day, the death day, the day she died, it’s often just a Monday or a Tuesday. Sometimes a Wednesday. Every now and then a Thursday, Friday or Saturday. The days it hurts, they’re frequent and they’re randomly generated. Grief refuses to let me go. It won’t show its hand. It will give you the time you need to move forward before creeping up slowly behind you to remind you it’s always there.
Grieving is like parenting because it morphs, stretches and shrinks time. Grief freezes everything. It freezes my mum’s advice. It freezes our relationship. It freezes us at the last point we spoke. I don’t want to remember it. It was horrible. And because the last time we spoke, we argued, it remains how I remember my mother. We would have gotten over the silly argument. And she would have gone on to give me advice on raising you. Your mum has her mum. I have the internet. Now you are old enough to ask questions, I don’t always know the right things to tell you. You’re curious. I try to have transparent conversations with you, Ganga. You want to know about the world. And the world is messy. It’s the kitchen drawer where you shove everything that has no place of its own. It’s scary and hard and horrible and sometimes I wish my mum was there to tell me how to answer you.
All I can do is navigate your questions and try to work out the best way forward. And not lie to you. Because no matter how much my mum and I didn’t say what was in our hearts, she never lied to me about the messiness of the world. The world was one big baby poo on her knee.
I write this just after you’ve turned five. But you are one, and a day old, and four, and fourteen all at once. Each hour lasts a day, the days seem endless but the weeks slip away. My mum was alive yesterday and ten years ago and a year ago and days ago all at once. Frozen at that argument. The one I will carry with me for all time. And with you, our relationship is frozen, in this moment, in front of the window. You could be one, and a day old, and four, and fourteen all at once, but you will always be this baby, in my arms, in this window, being sung to. You will always be my brown baby.
I remember looking for Mum’s address book in the days after she died. It was in her handbag, which would remain at the bottom of the stairs in my childhood home for about a year. I wanted to call an old friend of hers to organize a visit, and fill in those years of her life when she wasn’t a parent. Who was she when she wasn’t laden with expectation? She didn’t talk too much of this time, other than the occasional sound bite about insisting she got a job to secure her financial independence from her parents, and that she slept a lot, and she wore miniskirts, which caused huge scandals.
Only Auntie Lesley could tell me who she was, what she thought and how she felt. Only Auntie Lesley knew of her interior. Grief pushes away everything other than the times when our departed were their best. We retell perfect memories until they become abstractions and fragments. Nothing remains of the person that remains physical, metaphysical. We mourn them in times we were all happy. But what does that give us of a person?
Rifling through Mum’s handbag brought her alive again. There was the change purse I used to steal pound coins from as a child. There were the tissues, bunched-up, encased in her DNA. There were her keys. Her ‘J’ keyring, from EuroDisney. I bought that for her. A compact mirror and a wad of notebook papers. I pulled them out to see what they were.
It was her handwriting. Small and round, like you. Blue biro. Shopping lists. The usual mundane stuff you’d need for a big shop: pasta, bread, cheese, tomatoes, washing-up liquid, toilet paper.
It wasn’t just her handwriting. It was proof she’d lived. And that she had a life beyond that perfect memory of that holiday in Mombasa, or the way we used to share snacks and watch American sitcoms, or her laugh, or her biting tongue making barbed comments about people we knew, before laughing it off. Or her dhal bhatt shaak rotli.
It was her every day.
I looked into the kitchen from my vantage point at the bottom of the stairs and I could see her perfectly again. Standing there, leaning over the table, one flip-flopped foot up on a bench, a steel bowl in front of her as she cut and diced potatoes into the palm of her hand with that terrible black serrated knife that was used for everything from cutting cheese to chopping onions to searing chicken to piercing the film on vacuum-sealed containers of ham.
I could hear her humming along to Sunrise Radio. The occasional bursts of steam from a pressure cooker. I could hear her calling my name. Ni-KaaaaaSH. Your fai’s name, always growled. Forcing us from our sedentary positions, either watching television or reading (me) or chatting shit to friends on the phone (your fai).
The power of seeing her handwriting was enough to remind me that she held a pen, in her right hand, and it pressed hard against notebook paper, as she went through the fridge and cupboards. The fingers of her hand, linked to muscles receiving information from a brain that was fuelled by a heart.
She was alive again.
I didn’t call Auntie Lesley that day. I wasn’t ready. I was too overcome with the burden of loss again. This time, she wasn’t just dead. I had lost her again. Because when I blinked, she wasn’t there. The kitchen was empty, quiet and too clean. It hadn’t been used in months, beyond the toaster and the microwave. The full fridge of my mum’s was now empty. A few old vegetables, condiments, milk and alcohol. That was it for my dad. He couldn’t even buy blocks of cheese anymore. Maybe using that black serrated knife was too much for him. He bought bags of grated cheese and pre-sliced cheese.
Grief gave me no time and yet it was all about time. Things will get easier with time, the cliché goes. What tends to happen is that the pain of that visceral loss dulls. But a dull ache can still occasionally twinge and spasm and remind you of what it once was. Grief isn’t something you can push down until it’s at the bottom of the wardrobe, like a forgotten, once-cherished band T-shirt. It certainly isn’t something that requires a new coat of paint.
Rumi once wrote, ‘Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes around in another form.’ And then, there you were, Ganga, in my arms.
I now had you.
One of your favourite books at the moment is Nick Sharratt’s You Choose, which allows the reader to pick from a multitude of themed images to constantly reimagine what their lives could be. Today I chose to live on top of a hill overlooking the sea (you noted my fear of heights), and I was going to wear rocketship pyjamas every day and be a painter and decorator and eat pizza and travel by bike.
Whenever we pore over the job pages, you choose, without fail, to be a vet. Once you asked me what I did for a living.
‘I write books,’ I told you.
You looked at me, like, is that a job?
‘Which books, Daddy?’ you asked.
I took you upstairs and showed you the stack of books I’ve worked on. You flicked through a few and then looked at me, confused, disappointed. Probably because it was all words. No pictures.
‘Will you write a book for me?’ you asked.
‘They’re all for you,’ I told you.
‘I want you to write me a book,’ you said again, tracing a face on one of the covers, staring intently at it.
‘I will,’ I
said. ‘I swear to you, I will.’
I’m sorry there are no pictures.
I don’t know how to make you proud of your skin colour. I figured it would be something we would talk about later, when you were older and starting to become more shaped by external factors. I didn’t want it to become an issue so early. Sadly, this is the reality of raising a child of colour in an institutionally racist country, where being white is seen as default. You see it in boardrooms and you see it on screens and you see it in the plasters we use to cover our skin when it tears. The comedian W. Kamau Bell talked about the paradox of the mixed-race child, how the one thing they’ll never be called is white. His children will always be Black or mixed race. When I look at you, I think perhaps you might end up passing for white. I don’t want you to. I don’t want you to ever consider yourself white. Is that bad? Sure, you are half white, but that half is a default that comes with a much more defined identity to topple into. Will you ever truly pass for white? Your name is hardly Anne Smith. And even then, not all Anne Smiths are white. As Bell says, though, it’ll probably never happen. You will be mixed race and you will be brown and no matter how you shape yourself, the moulds society present for you to fit into are fixed and immovable.
I don’t want to have this conversation so early, Ganga. I don’t want for me to make decisions about your identity before you’ve even considered it. Seeing you in the playground next to white children, I doubt this will ever really happen. You look so brown. As Zora Neale Hurston says, ‘I feel most coloured when thrown against a sharp white background.’ And where we live in Bristol is a sharp white background of a neighbourhood. I have to manage my own feelings and expectations and let you find your own way. But I know, that however you choose to self-identify when you’re older and making those decisions, the world will see you as a person of colour and treat you accordingly.
Once, you told me that you were a mix. You were a bit brown and a bit white. I told you that this made you light brown and that confused you. You wanted to be our Venn diagram. You wanted to be the bridge between us. You didn’t want to be more one than the other. You are quick to assert that you are a girl.