Brown Baby
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References
Page xiii: Baldwin, J. (1962). The Fire Next Time. New York: Dial Press.
Page xiii: “Brown Baby”, Written by Oscar Brown, Jr., Published by Edward B. Marks Music Company, All rights administered by Round Hill Carlin, LLC.
How to bring you into the world
Page 4: “Brown Baby”, Written by Oscar Brown, Jr., Published by Edward B. Marks Music Company, All rights administered by Round Hill Carlin, LLC.
How to talk to you about your skin colour
Page 12: Hurston, Z. Neale. (1928). How It Feels to Be Coloured Me. The World Tomorrow.
Page 17: Koul, S. (2017). One Day We’ll All Be Dead and None of This Will Matter. New York: Macmillan US.
Page 21: Chameleon Street. (1989). [Film]. Detroit: Wendell B. Harris, Jr.
Pages 60–2: Williams, M. and Schroeder, J. (2019). 25 Failsafe* Rules for Dads Raising Daughters. The Good Men Project, [online]. Available at https://goodmenproject.com/good-feed-blog/25-failsafe-rules-for-dads-raising-daughters/ [Accessed 16/10/2020].
Page 72: Nair, K. Sreekumaran, M.D., Ph.D. (2008). Why Is There Such A High Incidence Of Diabetes Among Asian Indians?. Science Daily [online]. Available at https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/02/080229112210.htm [Accessed 16/10/2020].
Page 72: Yates, K. (2019). A Future World: How migration has changed, and will change, our bodies. Dazed Digital, [online]. Available at https://www.dazeddigital.com/science-tech/article/44500/1/migration-bodies-health-climate-change-racism-discrimination [Accessed 16/10/2020].
How to tell you it’s time for bed? (fucking hell, go to sleep)
Page 138: Hurston, Z. Neale. (1928). How It Feels to Be Coloured Me. The World Tomorrow.
Page 157: The quotation from Emma Blake Morsi appears in an article by Shutti, G. (2016). #Goals. Rife Magazine, [online]. Available at: https://www.rifemagazine.co.uk/2016/01/goals/ [Accessed 16/10/2020].
How to talk to you about your heritage
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Page 176: Muhammad, A. Shaheed and Kelley, F. (2015). Heems: ‘If Someone’s Got To Do It, It Should Be Me’. NPR [online]. Available at: https://www.npr.org/sections/microphonecheck/2015/04/13/399216057/heems-if-someones-got-to-do-it-it-should-be-me?t=1600359103287 [Accessed 16/10/2020].
Page 181: The quotation from Uzo Aduba appears in an article by Dickerson, J. (2014). Why Uzo Aduba Wouldn’t Change Her Nigerian Name For Acting. Huffington Post, [online]. Available at: https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/uzo-aduba-name_n_5534112?ri18n=true [Accessed 16/10/2020].
How do I talk to you about my mum, especially when I need my mum?
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Page 203: Jeffers, O. (2010). The Heart and the Bottle. London: Harper Collins Children’s Books.
How can we talk about personal and civic responsibility and still be joyful and boundless?
Pages 209–10: The quotation from Teju Cole appears in an article by Madrigal, A. C. (2011). What’s Wrong With #FirstWorldProblems. Atlantic [online]. Available at: https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2011/11/whats-wrong-with-firstworldproblems/248829/ [Accessed 16/10/2020].
Page 217: Kureishi, H. (1990). The Buddha of Suburbia. London: Faber and Faber.
Page 218: Derricotte, T. (2009). The Telly Cycle. Rattle, issue #31.
Page 220: Baldwin, J. (1962). A Letter to My Nephew. The Progressive.
Page 221: Morrison, T. (1975). Black Studies Center public dialogue. Pt. 2. Available at: https://soundcloud.com/portland-state-library/portland-state-black-studies-1, [Accessed 16/10/2020].
How to show you the world, shining shimmering splendid
Page 227: Eddo-Lodge, R. The Big Question. [Podcast]. About Race. Available at: https://www.aboutracepodcast.com/ [Accessed 16/10/2020].
Page 229: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. (2008). [Film]. Los Angeles: Eric Roth and Robin Swicord.
Acknowledgements
This book was incredibly hard to write. Maybe because my aim, to find hope in hopeless times, felt futile every single day I sat down to write this, having just read or seen or listened to the news. Maybe it was hard writing about mum so openly and honestly. Maybe it was the lack of sleep that comes with having kids and a freelance career and a lot of Netflix to get through (Why do they keep adding stuff? It’s exhausting!) Either way, it got written. It was hard every day. I’m lucky to have an incredible team, a sensitive and present support network and an understanding family.
The team: Julia Kingsford (Kingsford Campbell), my agent, who is there with me every step of the way asking me exactly what I want; Charlotte Atyeo for continued support while Julia was on maternity leave; Carole Tonkinson, my editor, who saw a book where I saw a bunch of columns and essays over the span of six months; the team at Bluebird: Jess, Jodie, Sian, Hockley; my manager Bash Naran (Writ-Large), my agents Nish Panchal and Sam Greenwood (Curtis Brown) and Jason Richman and Jasmine Lake (UTA) – your generosity has been exactly what I needed it to be.
The support network: I’m lucky enough to have a bunch of writers who I can text at any time of the day and freak out and they’ll reply with kindness, solidarity and writing advice. They are: Chimene Suleyman, Rosie Knight, James Smythe, Will Wiles, Candice Carty-Williams, Mariam Khan, Guy Gunaratne, Bisha K. Ali, Reni Eddo-Lodge, Max Porter, Gavin James Bower, Nikita Gill, Josie Long and Rachel De-Lahay. Thank you also to Ahir Shah, Anoushka Shankar, Reju Sharma, Anita Rani, Rizwan Ahmed and Nerm for keeping me breathing. Thank you to Nish Kumar, Inua Ellams, Vinay Patel and Musa Okwonga for Sunday night club. Thank you to Himesh Patel and Nikesh Patel for being my muses.
The family: S and C, I wrote this for you. Sorry there’s no pictures. I meant every word. K, I couldn’t have done any of this without you. Your support has helped me realise my dreams. You are my everything. Dad and my sisters, I love you all so much. I’m sorry I haven’t been as kind or as present as I could have been in the last ten years. And I’m sorry if any of what I wrote is a surprise to any of you. I love you so much. I miss her every single day. She is in my chest forever.
A lot of this book started life in lots of different places. Chapters were inspired by several columns I wrote for Observer magazine during my short tenure as a columnist. Thank you to my editors Shahesta Shaitly and Harriet Green. Bim Adewunmi for editing an essay about food and grief that kickstarted this whole thing. To Sam Jordison and Eloise Millar who published The Time Machine, which continued my writing about grief. Other places pieces started life in: The Good Immigrant, Litro Magazine, The Pool, Burnt Roti, the Guardian, the iPaper, a one person show I wrote for Mayfest 2015, my episode of The Griefcast, Catapult, LitHub, BBC Radio 4 and Boundless. Thank you to friends like Chimene Suleyman, Sharmaine Lovegrove, Josie Long, Sam Binnie and more for various conversations. Thank you to Sarah Shaffi for an early read.
Thank you to Mira Jacob for her book Good Talk and to Fatimah Asghar for her book If They Come For Us and to Cariad Lloyd for The Griefcast.
Thank you for reading this book. It means the world to me.
Mid-credits sting for the Bradley Cooper adaptation
You have a friend over. We’re all sitting in your bedroom doing stories. Both of you, me, your friend, her daddy. You’re all crowding around me and I read books. Your friend’s daddy offers to read the last book. I look down at it. It’s the Diwali book your fais got you. The one that caused you to ask me about praying. I say, ‘No, it’s fine. I’ve got this.’
‘Fair’s fair. You read two. I’ll read the last one.’
‘It has . . .’ I say. ‘Actually, sure, go ahead.’
He starts reading the book. There is a lot of Gujarati in it. He tries his best but he stumbles over the pronunciations of things.
He looks embarrassed. At one point, he looks up at me, over the top of the book, his eyebrows raised, like I’ve stitched him up. It should
n’t be this excruciating. But the way he’s getting frustrated with his inability to pronounce the words makes it so. Also, you’re correcting his every pronunciation.
‘I’m brown. That’s how I know all the words,’ you tell him. You look at your friend. ‘Brown people all speak Gujarati.’
Not quite, my love. But it’s a start.
End of credits sting: how to eat a mango properly
1. Hold the mango. Press it to your cheek.
2. Start squeezing it. You want to squeeze it all over. Till you can feel the flesh pulping under the skin. Be careful to not break the skin. It’s kinda stretchy so you’d have to have ratty nails to compromise it. But don’t break the skin.
3. When you can feel the pulpy juicy flesh swimming about under the skin, tear a small strip off the top of the mango and pour the juicy flesh into your mouth. Squeeze the flesh out from the bottom slowly, like a Calippo. Remember those?
4. When the skin is deflated like a four-day-old balloon, and the flesh is spent, tear the flesh off. Hold the stone.
5. The stone is the best bit. Suck all the flesh off it.
You’re done. Enjoy.
Praise for Brown Baby
‘Brown Baby is fizzing with humanity, life and light. Nikesh Shukla has written page after page of golden prose that made me laugh out loud and weep real tears. Love, family, grief, race and gender are all nurtured carefully with intention and hope in this urgently relevant 21st century memoir.’
Deborah Frances-White, host of The Guilty Feminist podcast and author of The Guilty Feminist
‘A stunning memoir of fatherhood, race and loss, this beautiful book is articulated with such love and deftness – and deserves many readers.’
Sinead Gleeson, author of Constellations: Reflections on Life
‘Brown Baby is a meditative yet emotive rollercoaster from England’s most generous writer. Nikesh finds, within his deeply personal experiences of joy and grief, fatherhood and childhood, universal connective tissues that bind us together, that make us better. This is the writer at his finest hour.’
Inua Ellams, author of The Actual and The Half-God of Rainfall
‘An extraordinarily generous piece of writing, brimming with kindness, and unflinchingly honest. Nikesh’s tender examinations of negotiating race as a parent hit me right in the gut, and will teach us all a thing or two about compassion and understanding in this complicated world we live in. Beautifully written, and heartfelt at every turn, this is a must-read book like no other. Utterly gorgeous.’
Amrou Al-Kadhi, author of Life as a Unicorn
‘An unforgettable love letter that stretches into both the past and the future, aching with longing and loss, firecracker humour, fury at the wrongs of the world but, above all, great beauty, pride and hope. Heartbreaking and brilliant.’
Rachel Edwards, author of Darling
‘Brown Baby is a heartbreakingly honest exploration of grief, loss, and what it means to belong. Shukla’s vulnerability is deeply moving; this memoir will stay with me for a long time.’
Louise O’Neill, author of Almost Love and Asking for It
‘Brown Baby is a gorgeous love letter from a father to his daughter. It is also a raw and necessary reckoning with the forces that shape the way we view ourselves and others. In this way, it is a love letter to us all, by turns hilarious, scathing, searching, and tender. Truly, Brown Baby is a treasure.’
Tania James, author of The Tusk That Did the Damage
‘Nikesh Shukla’s Brown Baby is a masterpiece of love, grief, humour and raising a daughter. Exquisitely written and so empowering, this is the book on fatherhood I have been waiting to read my whole life. I know that I will read this love letter of a book often, it has become an old friend that I take with me everywhere.’
Nikita Gill, author of The Girl and the Goddess
‘Brown Baby is searingly honest, sharply observed and deeply compassionate. It’s a book I wish the men in my life had read when I was young, and one I will read again and again as I parent my own little brown babies.’
Anoushka Shankar, musician and composer
‘Covering parenthood, grief, food, race, feminism and bus timetables, reading it feels like letting sunlight in on the often stale debate around trying to be a good parent in a world that can be overwhelming on eight hours sleep let alone three. It has wisdom about being an ally I will remember for life, some of the best male writing about eating and emotional pain I have ever come across. One of the very best examples of a story which is deeply personal feeling truly universal.’
Alexandra Heminsley, journalist and author of Running like a Girl and Leap In
‘It is such a deft exploration of the core of our existence: love, grief, family, home, heritage, memory; and how it is all entwined, sometimes messily. And as second-generation South Asians, what do we choose to pass on, explain, hold back on, when to protect.’
Kavita Puri, author of Partition Voices: Untold British Stories
‘This book has such an enormous heart. I laughed and wept. I really loved it and I am going to give it to everyone I love.’ Daisy Johnson, author of Everything Under
‘Brown Baby is the book about fatherhood I have been looking for my whole life. It is poignant, funny, relevant and full of the sort of detail that transports the reader utterly. The diced potatoes, the late night walks, the damp smell of a new flat, the sticky questions of a toddler; it is beautiful. I would urge everyone – parents and non-parents – to read it and reflect.’
Nell Frizzell, author of The Panic Years
‘A tender, touching letter of love and hope in a world that feels as hard as ever. Nikesh Shukla puts his heart on display. I urge you to read what he has to say.’
Angela Saini, author of Superior: The Return of Race Science
‘I was truly moved by the raw honesty of Shukla’s writing. Fuelled by his mother’s love and the power of food to connect us I really enjoyed this exploration of the challenges of modern manhood and trying to be a good father.’
Samira Ahmed, journalist, writer and broadcaster
‘In Brown Baby, Nikesh Shukla has created a tender, heartfelt balm. Equal parts indictment and introspection, it offers hope to those of us trying to parent brown children through this harrowing moment.’
Mira Jacob, author of Good Talk: A Memoir in Conversations
‘Nikesh Shukla traverses generational grief and parental love with deep wisdom, humour and searing honesty. Written in bounding, relatable prose, he is committed to joy as resistance. Written against a world that feels spiritless, faltering, this is a book that is fearless. In reading him we become less afraid.’
Guy Gunaratne, author of In Our Mad and Furious City
‘Nikesh opens his heart and in doing so makes my heart both ache and swell. A wise and beautiful book.’
Anita Rani, radio and TV presenter
‘Brown Baby is a beautifully intimate and soul-searching memoir. It speaks to the heart and the mind and bears witness to our turbulent times.’
Bernardine Evaristo, author of Girl, Woman, Other
‘A powerful, punchy examination of the dangers that race and gender construction pose to our sense of who we are, as well as a touching memoir of a worried parent trying to carve a safe space in which to raise a brown child.’
Diana Evans, author of Ordinary People
‘In Brown Baby, Nikesh Shukla paints a vivid picture of family – both the one he is born into and the one he makes. The entwining of his grief and love for his mother with his love and fear for his daughter is so special. Brown Baby confronts all the hard subjects yet is also so full of love and light. It made me laugh, and I finished it feeling energised and uplifted.’
Cathy Rentzenbrink, author of The Last Act of Love and Dear Reader
‘It is, as it says, a memoir but it also speaks as a hymn to difference, to the complexities inherent with being Brown and British. The fear and brilliance of parenthood is tender to the point of pain. Funny and
insightful. Beautiful.’
Kiran Millwood Hargrave, author of The Girl of Ink and Stars and The Mercies
‘It’s about fatherhood, mourning, racism, and much else besides. It is bursting with love and honesty.’
Max Porter, author of Grief is the Thing with Feathers and Lanny
Biography
Nikesh Shukla is an author and screenwriter. He is the author of Coconut Unlimited, Meatspace and The One Who Wrote Destiny. Nikesh is the editor of the bestselling essay collection, The Good Immigrant, which won the reader’s choice at the Books Are My Bag Awards. He co-edited The Good Immigrant USA with Chimene Suleyman. He is the author of two YA novels, Run, Riot and The Boxer. Nikesh was one of Time magazine’s cultural leaders, Foreign Policy magazine’s 100 Global Thinkers and The Bookseller’s 100 most influential people in publishing in 2016 and in 2017. He is also the host of the Brown Baby podcast.
Bibliography
For adults
Coconut Unlimited
Meatspace
The One Who Wrote Destiny
For teenagers
Run, Riot
The Boxer
As editor
The Good Immigrant
The Good Immigrant USA (co-edited with Chimene Suleyman)
Rife: 21 Stories from Britain’s Youth (co-edited with Sammy Jones)
First published 2021 by Bluebird
This electronic edition published 2021 by Bluebird
an imprint of Pan Macmillan
The Smithson, 6 Briset Street, London EC1M 5NR
EU representative: Macmillan Publishers Ireland Limited,
Mallard Lodge, Lansdowne Village, Dublin 4