Bittersweet

by Jacquie Underdown

  ‘You’re seeing this all wrong,’ she said, shaking her head.

  He spun to face the bench and gestured towards the bills. ‘Am I? Am I, Amy? It sure as hell doesn’t look that way.’

  He lunged for a stool, picked it up over his head and threw it across the room. It crashed against the utensil shelves with a roaring clang that didn’t seem to end as spatulas and tongs and spoons tumbled to the tiles below.

  Amy screamed, ‘Mitch, stop it. I do feel her here. It comforts me. I’m not exploiting her at all. She asked me to do this.’

  ‘She’s fucking dead,’ he roared. ‘Dead. How dare you condemn her to this life, carrying out her eternity through a fucking cupcake. How insulting.’

  ‘That’s not what I’m doing. I didn’t mean to. I’m here for Sophie. And I’m here for you. Not for any sinister reason. I’m here because my best friend asked me to before she died.’ Her voice cracked, but she refused to cry. She’d not give him that satisfaction.

  ‘You don’t have to worry about sticking around for Sophie anymore,’ he said. ‘I’ve decided Rachel’s parents would be better suited anyway. And I don’t need you.’

  Amy startled, his words cutting through her disbelief and emotion. Anger coiled up her spine, burned in her chest. ‘You’re giving up on Sophie?

  ‘I’m not giving up on her.’

  ‘What else would you call it?’

  ‘Giving her to people who won’t fuck her up like I am,’ he said.

  She shook her head, lips parted as she tried to think of how to respond to that. ‘How do you think Rachel would feel hearing you say that?’

  ‘She’d understand.’

  ‘Oh, really? You think she would have fallen in a heap like you have if the roles were reversed?’ Her voice was loud and harsh. She didn’t care. She was sick to death of making allowances for his grief.

  There was a baby that needed him and giving her away to Rachel’s parents was not the right decision. ‘Or do you think she would have picked herself up off the floor so she could be the best mother she could be because she knows her daughter is already disadvantaged because her father is dead.’

  ‘Rachel’s not here,’ he roared.

  ‘No. You’re damn right about that. She’s not here. And you are. And what a fucking shame that is. Because I know Rachel. Regardless of what you think. I know her and know what she would be thinking right now about you telling me you’re giving up on her daughter because you’re too gutless and selfish to pull yourself together.

  ‘We all miss her, Mitch. We all do. I miss her every second of every day, but I get on with it. Because I have to. I do it for you. I do it for Sophie. But, mostly, I do it for Rachel. Because she means that much to me. Her memory means that much to me. And doing what she asked of me, I can’t bear to think of doing anything differently.’

  She sighed, pressed her hands to her hips. ‘But don’t worry about it, Mitch. I’ll be out of your hair by tomorrow morning. I wouldn’t want you to think I’m hanging around to rip your brother off or take advantage of my dead best friend.’

  Mitch’s jaw was tight as he stared at her for a long moment. ‘Good. Make it quick.’ And he stormed out, slamming the door behind him.

  When his car sped away, Amy stumbled back against the bench. Her legs were dead weights. But the decision had been made. She would be leaving to be as far away from Alpine Ridge as she could get.

  Amy raced around the shop bundling her clothes up, threw them into spare boxes, then shoved the boxes in the back of her car. As she pulled the sheets and blanket from her bed and shoved them into the back seat along with the lamps and television, Mitch’s words kept reverberating through her head.

  ‘She’s fucking dead. Dead. How dare you condemn her to this life, carrying out her eternity through a fucking cupcake? How insulting.’

  Her insides squirmed every time she repeated those words. It was never her intention to reduce Rachel to that. Amy had loved the possibility that Rachel could still be around. She hadn’t reduced her at all but recognised that this world was full of unknowns and possibilities.

  Amy peered around the beautiful shop. Everything was as it was before Rachel had died. Amy had not changed anything, bar move into the back room and bake a few different types of cupcakes.

  She groaned as a shock of understanding hit her in her chest like lightening. It burned in her heart. Running this shop, living here, keeping everything the same as though Rachel was right beside her, was Amy’s way of holding onto her friend. Of wanting to keep some part of her alive.

  But Mitch was right.

  Rachel was dead.

  Grief struck her so hard then, fresh and intense, she couldn’t draw a breath. Her knees sagged to the floor, and she sobbed into her hands.

  The reality of Rachel’s death hit her like it did the first time. It stung, pounded, hacked at flesh and bones and needled under her skin. Such burning, all through her body, but mostly in her chest.

  Rachel was gone.

  Amy tried to claw on to something, a silver lining, a glimpse of hope, but there was nothing. She continued to scramble for a foothold, holding on so damn tight her body ached.

  If she let go, she was about to lose everything. But that constant holding and clambering for leverage was painful because no matter how tightly she held, she wouldn’t find anything. What she was hoping to find was no longer here.

  Rachel was dead.

  Nothing was going to change that.

  And this aching she felt was the desire for it to be different. Was the desire to talk and see and feel her again. Only then did Amy recognise her need to move on for her own sanity. She had to accept that death was an inevitability in life.

  She had tried so hard to control everything, to hold it all together, but she ended up incapable of controlling anything.

  Dark skies were going to appear in life. The seas would inevitably grow stormy. And that rigid desire in her body to keep things stable, to stop the world from changing, to stop people from dying, was continuing her pain.

  She had to let go.

  So that’s what she did.

  On the floor of Sugar Cakes, Amy opened her palms, exhaled a long breath, and let go of her beautiful friend, let go of her restaurant, let go of everything.

  Chapter 29

  Tom called Amy’s number again. She answered on the third ring.

  ‘Tom,’ she said.

  Her voice was strange, like she’d been crying. ‘Amy, is everything okay?’

  There was silence, followed by a long sigh. ‘No, it’s not.’

  ‘What’s going on? Are you okay?’

  ‘I’ve got to leave, Tom.’

  He narrowed his eyes, looked at the screen of his phone, then brought it back to his ear. ‘What does that mean?’

  ‘I’m leaving.’

  He jumped to his feet. ‘Leaving? Leaving where?’

  ‘Leaving here. Leaving Alpine Ridge. I wouldn’t want to con you out of your money or continue to exploit Rachel any more than I have.’

  He shook his head. ‘What does that even mean?’

  ‘How about you talk to Mitch. He seems to have a fantastic grasp on all my underhanded activities.’

  ‘What did he do? What did he say?’

  ‘It doesn’t matter. I can’t stay. And I’m not going to stick around where I’m not wanted … or be accused of such ridiculous bullshit.’ A sob sounded through the phone. ‘It’s best if we just do this as quickly and painlessly as possible.’

  ‘Wait. Wait. I’ll be there in twenty minutes. We need to talk before you do anything.’

  ‘Too late, I’ve just dropped the keys back at Mitch’s. Bye, Tom.’ Then she hung up.

  Tom’s heart was thumping like a bass, deep and hard. His breaths were coming hard. What the hell has Mitch said to her?

  He scrambled for a shirt, threw it over his head. He was going to talk to Mitch. Sort this issue between them out once and for all. How dare he interfere in his life like
this?

  Mitch had crossed the boundaries this time. He had no right sticking his nose into his love life. He didn’t care about the circumstances. Enough was enough.

  ‘Where are you going?’ asked Sam as Tom stormed past him.

  ‘To see Mitch.’

  ‘Hey, mate, want to tell me what’s going on?’

  Tom opened the front door and ran down the steps. He didn’t have time for explanations. He had to stop Amy from leaving, and then he had to let Mitch know how he felt.

  Tom jumped in his car, and raced towards Mitch’s. Maybe he could catch Amy before she got too far away. Eyes peeled around the property, he looked for any sign of her.

  As he neared the intersection, Mitch’s car was coming down the hill, and there before him on the road, pulled over to the side, was Amy.

  His next exhale streamed out in a long rush. ‘Thank God,’ he whispered under his breath and accelerated faster, not wanting to miss her.

  Tom skidded to a stop and climbed out of his car. Mitch was up ahead, getting out of his. As he approached, he met Amy’s gaze through the windscreen and relief spread over his flesh and burrowed into his marrow.

  She’d been crying. Her eyes were swollen and red. His own grief bubbled into his throat, anger close on its tail. He hated that she was hurting like this, and he hated knowing Mitch had something to do with it. She didn’t deserve this.

  He looked past Amy towards Mitch and glowered, anger a force within his body. Fists clenched at his side, he stormed towards Mitch.

  ‘Tom!’ Amy yelled from behind him, but he didn’t throw her a glance, never faltered for a second.

  Toe to toe with Mitch, Tom didn’t wait for an explanation, nothing, just shoved him hard in the chest. He was vibrating with violence. Mitch stumbled backwards but regained his balance.

  ‘You …’ screamed Tom, pushing Mitch again. Mitch kept his footing. Tom pressed closer, his face in his brother’s face. ‘No more interfering in my life. It ends now.’

  Mitch held his hands up. ‘Let me talk first.’

  ‘No. You listen to me.’ His fist raised and he slammed it into Mitch’s jaw, head flinging to the side as it connected.

  ‘Tom! No,’ came Amy’s scream. But it was a whisper underneath his angry haze, barely touched him. Mitch was going to know that he was no longer allowed to interfere in Tom’s life in any manner.

  He pressed closer, ready to strike again.

  ‘No, Tom. Don’t. Don’t,’ screamed Amy.

  Tom struck Mitch again, fuelled by his desire to hurt Mitch like he had hurt him. His fist throbbed. But he was too gone to feel it. Years of anger, and always biting his tongue, never standing up for himself, of never being good enough, buzzed in every muscle.

  ‘Stop it! Tom, please, stop.’ Amy grabbed his arm, and he forced himself to see through the rage.

  His chest was heaving, his nostrils flared. He looked at Mitch: blood streaking down his face. But he didn’t feel remorse. Not one bit.

  Enough was enough.

  To feel Amy beside him, touching him, eased the tension in his body. With each deep exhalation, he expelled a little more. He dropped his hands to his side and sighed.

  Amy was the most incredible woman in the world. He loved her for God’s sake. Loved her. Worshipped her. He didn’t give himself time to let that new realisation sink him.

  Instead, he squatted, gripped her by the waist and picked her up in the air. He threw her over his shoulder and marched to his ute. She punched at his back, but he wasn’t putting her down. He wasn’t letting her get away.

  ‘Let me down,’ she yelled.

  She wasn’t going anywhere until they talked, and he didn’t care how that looked. Amy couldn’t skip town without some opportunity to at least hear why.

  He opened the passenger side door and bundled her into the car. ‘You’re not going anywhere. Your home is here … with me.’ He shut the door and marched around to the driver’s side.

  Mitch jogged over. ‘Wait. Let me talk.’

  Tom hesitated, looked up at his brother, and his shoulders rolled inwards. The expression on Mitch’s face, the sorrow, the unspoken apology, the regret was like a counter attack.

  All the air wheezed from his lungs as the emotions of the last four months tore through his soul. How could their lives have reached this God forsaken place?

  ‘Let me talk to Amy first and hear her side of the story,’ Tom said.

  Mitch nodded, resignation in his drooped stance and sad eyes. ‘You’ll want to punch me again.’

  Tom’s body went rigid. ‘What did you say to her?’ he roared.

  Mitch sighed. ‘Talk to Amy. Then come to the house. I’ll be waiting.’

  Before jumping into the driver’s seat beside Amy, he waited for Mitch to climb into his car, turn, and head back up towards his house.

  Amy wouldn’t look at him, and it broke his heart.

  ‘I love you. So much. I’m not sure you even realise how much,’ he said, angst flowing through his words.

  Her nose wrinkled, lips twisted into a scowl. ‘You don’t think I realise how much? I feel the same about you, Tom. Don’t assume to know what I do and don’t feel.’

  Her words coaxed him from the inside out, worked their way through his bones, deep in his marrow, expanding until they reached his heart. Thank God, she loved him. That was a start. That was something at least.

  She looked him in the eyes. Exquisite. Even with her red eyes and puffy cheeks, she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. He wanted to lean over and pull her to him and never let ago.

  But he had to lead into this steadily.

  ‘Tell me. What would make you want to leave like this? So suddenly.’

  ‘Mitch doesn’t want me here. The way he spoke to me. And the things he accused me of …’ She shook her head. Tears pooled and fell onto her cheeks. She wiped at her face with her palms. ‘I’m so sick of all this. It’s not worth it. Why would I hang around here when nobody wants me to?’

  He smacked his palm against the steering wheel. ‘I want you to. Damn it, Amy, I want you to.’

  She shook her head. ‘It doesn’t matter anymore. I no longer have any choice but to leave. Honestly, this is for the best. I’ve got nothing to offer. No job. No shop. No friends. My parents are so disappointed in me. I’ve got financial obligations, and I need to start dealing with them. I can’t continue to hide out here, ruining your life as well as my own.’

  ‘Stop it,’ he said, a little louder than he intended. But he couldn’t stand to hear such defeatist talk. Like she’d given up.

  ‘I don’t know what I’m meant to do or where to go. I don’t even know who I am anymore, Tom. I don’t know.’

  ‘Who are you trying to prove yourself to?’ he asked. ‘You don’t have to prove yourself to me. Not one damn part of you. I see you in there. Not what you’ve done or what you will do, but you, Amy. You. Only you. And I love you.’

  God, he was almost pleading. Pleading her to understand that he didn’t care about her financial troubles. He didn’t care about her failures. He didn’t care if her parents were disappointed. He sure as hell wasn’t.

  He was awed at her resilience to make this work here in Alpine Ridge despite everything else working against her.

  Tears filled her eyes as she looked at him. ‘You’re the most amazing man I’ve ever met, Tom Mathews, but I can’t make this work anymore. All I seem to do is cause misfortune. You deserve someone more.’

  ‘Bullshit!’ he yelled, and she startled. He groaned, scrubbed the back of his neck with his hand. ‘I’m sorry. But stop telling me what I deserve. I love you. I want you. I want you to stay here with me. You understand?’

  She nodded. ‘But I can’t. Mitch wants me gone. I can no longer run the shop. Mitch is sending Sophie to live with Barb and Pete—’

  His eyes shot wide open. ‘What? He can’t be serious? What the hell? No.’

  ‘He was so angry. He thinks I’m using you. You should have
seen the look on his face when he found out that I was living at the shop …’ She stopped as her voice cracked and a sob bellowed.

  His heart was splitting in two, hearing the pain in her voice.

  ‘Mitch read about the cupcakes, about the matchmaking in the newspaper … he was furious. I felt so small and stupid and ridiculous. I didn’t mean to hurt him or to exploit Rachel. I love her. I love Mitch. I didn’t mean to cause this trouble.’

  Tom was dumbfounded as the words flowed from her mouth, explaining how Mitch had misinterpreted everything. Knowing the true story to all those decisions she had made, all sacrifices so she could stay here, made his veins burn with anger and resentment.

  No way did he regret punching Mitch. Not one bit. If he’d have known all this ten minutes ago, he would have hit him a few more times.

  He was vibrating in his seat. He didn’t know if he had to stand or sit, so he opened the door and climbed out. A rock sat on the track; he kicked it, sending it hurtling.

  ‘Fucking moron. What the hell was he thinking?’ he hissed as he paced back and forth. Tom stopped, looked up to the sky and scrubbed his hands over his face.

  He went back to the car, climbed inside. ‘You’re not giving up everything here because of Mitch. No way. That’s not fair on you, and it’s not fair on me.’ He slammed the door shut, started the engine and headed towards Mitch’s house.

  Chapter 30

  Amy was no longer going to be doing anything that was dictated by anyone else.

  She screamed at Tom, ‘Stop!’

  ‘Why?’ Tom said taking his attention from the road and looking at her. His eyes were wide.

  ‘Stop the car right now!’ Her breaths were shallow, a vibrating tension swept through her chest.

  He eased on the brake. ‘Okay. Okay.’ And brought the car to a halt in the middle of the track.

  ‘I’m not going to talk to Mitch. He doesn’t listen. And to be quite frank, I refuse to be the brunt of his bullshit ever again. And as for you, I love you, Tom, I do, but, I just received notification that I owe the Tax Office thirty-thousand dollars in overdue GST—’