Pregnant by the Single Dad Doc

by Louisa Heaton

  ‘Oh, my God...’

  ‘My seatbelt had jammed. I was hanging upside down. So was Jo, but she...’ He paused, seeing the horrific image in his head. ‘She had blood trickling down her face...’

  Ellie closed her eyes, as if she could feel his hurt and distress. ‘Logan...’

  ‘They got me out first. The firemen. It took them a lot longer to get her out, and by the time they did she was...’ He rubbed at his eyes.

  In that moment Ellie got up from her chair and came to sit beside him. She draped her arm around his shoulder.

  He sank into her, appreciating her warmth. Her comfort.

  ‘There was nothing to be done for Jo, but she was just past twenty-four weeks pregnant and I thought there might be a chance for our daughter. I had to do it. I had to try and give her a chance at life. Just weeks ago I’d seen her at the scan—heart beating, hiccupping. She was a person. She was alive and she deserved to live.’

  ‘What did you do?’

  ‘I told them to do a Caesarean.’

  He was aware of her silence as she took in this news. He knew that she might disagree with his actions—knew that some people thought it was the wrong thing to do—but he’d already thought of himself as a father, and he’d lost the mother of his child. He wouldn’t lose his baby, too. Not when she had the chance to survive.

  ‘You’re so brave...’ She slipped her hand into his.

  He stared at their interlinked fingers for a moment in disbelief that he was holding her hand again. ‘I wasn’t brave. I was desperate.’

  ‘You did the right thing. You fought for your child. It’s what any parent would choose to do. Isn’t that what we see every day, here in this place?’

  He nodded, staring into her cloudy blue eyes, and allowed himself a moment to lose himself in them.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  SITTING THERE PEACEFULLY, looking deeply into his eyes, Ellie felt as if time hadn’t passed at all. As if they’d never been apart. As if they’d always been like this. Connected. As one.

  He felt so right. Comfortable. Familiar. She had to remind herself that they had been apart for many years. And that it seemed his life had not been the pleasure cruise she’d imagined it had, but that he’d faced tragedy. Just as she had.

  It would be so easy for her to lean forward and kiss him...

  The thought made her start. She couldn’t allow that to happen.

  She stood up abruptly. ‘I’ll make you a cup of tea.’

  He said nothing.

  She felt bad for walking away from him, for creating distance, but she had to remind herself that he wasn’t hers any more. He wasn’t her boyfriend. She was here as his friend and nothing more, and friends sympathised and friends made cups of tea. It was the British way of things. A cure-all for all ills.

  If only it was really a cure-all. We could have tea IVs and everyone would get better.

  But it wasn’t that simple, was it? It never was. The moment they had just shared was over and she had to push him away again. Unreachable. Untouchable. He was just her mentor. Who had shared his story with her.

  What, if anything, could she learn from that? That life threw curveballs? That no matter how hard you worked, no matter how much good you did in life, it could all be taken from you in a moment?

  As she poured hot water over the teabags she thought of Samuel. How happy she and Daniel had been that she was pregnant. How everything had been going right for them. The business was good. Their home was coming together, its renovations almost finished.

  And then the scan had ripped their happy, ordered world apart...

  ‘Here you go.’ She placed the mug into his hands and sat opposite him, taking in a huge, steadying breath. Focus.

  ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have told you all that. But... But a part of me kept telling me that I ought to tell you—because, well, because we’re friends still, aren’t we?’

  She nodded.

  ‘And friends don’t keep things from each other.’

  ‘No.’

  She thought of Samuel. Had the memory of lying there in that theatre bed as the midwife walked away with him in her arms, never to be seen again. Knowing what they were about to do.

  The burden of her own secret weighed heavy in her heart. She wanted to tell him. But this was his time. His moment. His sad story. She wasn’t about to tell him hers. It would come across as if she were trying to say, You think that’s sad? Well, listen to this!

  Not that he would think that, of course, but that was how she’d worry that it would come across.

  ‘I’d like you to meet her.’ Logan looked across at her, staring intently into her eyes.

  She blinked. ‘Rachel?’

  He smiled. ‘Yes. I think you’d like her.’

  Meet his daughter? Wow. That was... Hell, she didn’t know how the idea of that made her feel. Meeting his daughter would make them more than mentor and student, wouldn’t it? She’d be getting involved again. Taking huge steps back into his personal life.

  ‘I don’t know, Logan...’ she said. But the real reason she had doubts was that she wondered if it would hurt too much. The fact that, despite his tragedy, he still had a child and she didn’t. Would it be too much? The jealousy? The envy?

  It was a silly fear, and she knew it was silly even as she felt it, but it didn’t make it any less real. She was happy for him. She was. He had someone. He had survived with someone to love and that was good.

  ‘You think it will be overstepping the boundaries?’

  ‘No. Yes. I don’t... It’s just...’ She couldn’t think how to voice her concerns.

  What would it be like to meet her? To see all the choices he had made after leaving Ellie behind? How he had moved on. How he had lived without her. It would be weird. But also it would make them closer again, and although she wanted that very much, she worried about what it would mean for her future.

  She had a purpose. A dream she was chasing. If she got dragged into Logan’s orbit again would she remain there? Or be able to break away?

  ‘You’d get on, you and Rachel. She’s funny. She’s intelligent. The most clever, articulate six-year-old you could ever wish to meet. Plus, she loves talking about medicine, so maybe you two could chat about your studies, or whatever...’

  He smiled and...

  Oh, my gosh, it’s just so hard to say no.

  He was trying. Trying to invite her in. Trying to show that she could be more than just his student. Trying to show that the past they’d shared still mattered to him and that he wanted her in his life. That after the six weeks were up in this placement this visit would still connect them.

  And a small part of her wanted to meet his daughter—the way she would have wanted him to meet Samuel. To see Logan in her.

  ‘Okay.’

  He smiled back. ‘Good. Okay... Well, I guess the next question is when are you free?’

  Ellie shrugged. ‘Well, most nights I’m studying, but I suppose I could take a night off. I’m sure my mentor wouldn’t mind.’

  ‘Then how about tonight? It’s pizza night Chez Riley. Very casual, very relaxed. What’s your opinion on having pineapple on pizza?’

  ‘At your house? Oh, right. Well, I guess I don’t object—as long as there’s ham, too.’

  ‘Good. That’s good. Well, what about six o clock? And I’ll introduce you to my biology-focused daughter.’

  ‘Sure.’

  He reached into his pocket to pull out a small pad of paper and scribbled something down. ‘This is my address.’

  She glanced at it. Number seven Cherry Blossom Avenue. It sounded a happy place. The type of address anyone would be thrilled to have.

  ‘I’ll be there.’

  * * *

  It was just an ordinary house—Georgian windows, topiaries in pots on either side of the f
ront door. There was a sweeping driveway, but no car. Tall hedges on either side sheltered it from neighbouring eyes.

  She stood there for a moment just looking at it. Gazing up at the windows and imagining the life that might be behind them. Logan and Rachel. A father and his daughter. Family.

  She’d brought flowers—she’d popped into a florist’s on the way there and asked them to make up a quick bouquet. Now she held it in front of her almost like a shield. Why was she so nervous? Why was she so apprehensive about stepping over the front doorstep?

  Because it will change everything.

  There was a car parked on the road outside and she used its windows to check her reflection. Typically, there’d been a brief rain shower on her way here and she looked damp, her hair flat against her head. She tried to run her fingers through it to give it a little lift, a little body, but her hair was thick and heavy and it sat on top of her head like a used mop. She let out a frustrated sigh, standing up straight again, and headed towards the front door.

  Her right hand hovered over the door-knocker for just a moment, and she had to tell herself quietly that she was being ridiculous. There was nothing to be afraid of here. This was just two friends catching up. That was all.

  She knocked. Part of her expected Rachel to answer the door. Wasn’t that what children did? Raced to the front door ahead of their parents because it was fun? But it was Logan who answered.

  He opened the door, stepping back with a smile and welcoming her in. Seeing him made her heart skip a beat, as it always did.

  ‘Did you find us okay?’ He looked awkward, then laughed. ‘What am I saying? Of course you did—you’re here. Ignore me. I’m just nervous.’

  Ellie smiled. ‘Snap.’ And then she passed him the bouquet. ‘These are for you.’

  He accepted gracefully. ‘They’re wonderful. Thank you.’

  ‘No problem.’

  ‘Let me take your coat.’

  She shrugged out of it and passed it to him and Logan hung it next to some others. One of which was bright red.

  Logan saw her notice it. ‘It’s her favourite colour—red. Because it’s like blood.’

  Ellie’s eyebrows rose. ‘Okay... Well, that’s good, because I’ve got a little something for Rachel too.’

  Logan began to explain. ‘She’s not really one for toys...’

  Ellie pulled from her bag the gift, which had been wrapped in coloured paper.

  ‘What is it?’

  ‘You’ll have to wait and see,’ Ellie said with a smile. ‘Where is Rachel? I can’t wait to meet her.’

  ‘She’s in the sitting room.’

  He seemed to have a nice house. From what she could see it was neat and clean. Very minimalist. The walls were a light grey, the skirting boards and frames glossy white. A large mirror in the hall reflected the coat rack and the two pairs of shoes that sat neatly by the front door. One pair big, the other small.

  Ellie could hear that the television was on, but when they went into the sitting room she saw that Rachel was not watching children’s television, but a documentary about someone who was infected by the leishmaniasis parasite. She turned to look at Logan with an amused smile on her face, and in return he shrugged.

  ‘It’s what she likes.’

  ‘Then I think I’ve got her the right gift.’

  Logan bent down to pick up the TV remote and pressed ‘pause’. ‘Rachel, our guest is here. Remember I told you about Ellie?’

  Rachel turned to face her and Ellie was struck by how much she looked like her father. They had the same eyes. Dark and alert, twinkling with intelligence.

  ‘Are you a doctor?’

  ‘Not yet. But I will be one day. Your father is helping me.’

  ‘I am going to be a doctor one day.’

  ‘That’s good. That you know what you want to be. I didn’t know when I was six.’

  ‘Do you have autism?’ Rachel asked.

  Ellie shook her head. No.

  ‘That’s why you didn’t know when you were six, then. You didn’t have a superpower like me.’

  Ellie laughed. ‘No. No superpowers for me. But I have brought a gift.’

  She held out the wrapped parcel towards Rachel. For a moment she didn’t think the young girl would take it, but Rachel looked to her father, who gave her a nod of permission.

  Rachel placed the gift on her lap and instead of ripping through the paper carefully sought out where the pieces of the sticky tape were and carefully picked it undone, revealing the human anatomy jigsaw puzzle that had been hidden underneath.

  Rachel gaze at it in awe, then beamed a smile at her father. ‘Look! You can see all the nerves! The muscles! The bones! They’re all labelled!’

  Logan nodded, smiling. ‘I can see that.’ He looked at Ellie. ‘You picked the right gift. How did you know you could even get these?’

  ‘You won’t believe this, but one of my university lecturers mentioned you could get them as a study aid.’

  ‘It’s perfect. Thank you. What do you say, Rachel?’

  ‘Thank you, Ellie.’ Rachel immediately got down on the floor, kneeling by the glass coffee table, and tipped out the pieces onto its surface.

  ‘That should keep her busy until dinner. Can I get you a drink?’

  She nodded. ‘Whatever you’re having is fine by me.’

  ‘I’ve got a pot of coffee. It’s usually a permanent fixture in this house. You take it white with one sugar, don’t you?’

  ‘You remember?’

  ‘I remember lots of things.’

  She sucked in a breath. What else did he remember? How they’d used to lie entwined in each other’s bodies? How they’d used to make each other laugh? How they’d used to kiss each other so hard they almost couldn’t breathe?

  He walked her into the kitchen and grabbed two mugs from a mug tree. He poured in coffee, then milk, added sugar and passed one of the drinks over, indicating that she should sit down so they could talk.

  ‘She looks like you, Logan.’

  ‘You think so?’

  ‘Very much.’ She took a sip from her mug. ‘You must be very proud of her.’

  ‘I am. I just wish things weren’t so hard for her.’

  ‘How so?’

  ‘Not having her mother. I worry that I’m not enough for her. Whether I’ll give the right advice. She doesn’t have many friends at school.’

  ‘Is she in mainstream?’

  He nodded. ‘We try to talk about her Asperger’s as a positive thing, and it is. I talk about famous people, both past and present, who had the same thing, and what they managed to achieve, so she can see that the whole world is her oyster, but...’

  ‘But?’

  ‘What if it’s not? I want her to be happy.’

  ‘She seems content.’

  ‘You’ve only known her five minutes.’

  Ellie nodded. That was true. What did she know about anything? She sat there not knowing what to say. Perhaps this had been a bad idea? She’d almost called to cancel, then realised she didn’t have Logan’s telephone number. And now she was here, and it was awkward, because she still had deep feelings for this man and though he was less than a metre away they felt so far apart.

  ‘Finished!’

  They both turned to look at Rachel, who stood in the doorway smiling.

  Ellie was surprised. ‘Already? It had a hundred pieces!’

  ‘It was easy. Come look.’ And she turned and disappeared.

  Logan and Ellie got up to follow and stood in surprise in the sitting room to see the completed jigsaw laid out on the coffee table.

  Ellie gaped. ‘Wow! That’s amazing, Rachel. You’re amazing.’

  Rachel seemed pleased with her praise. ‘I told you. I have a superpower.’

  She nodded. ‘Yes. You certai
nly do.’

  * * *

  They made the pizza themselves—Logan and Rachel. He’d bought a pre-made base, but they added all the toppings themselves—passata, ham, pineapple, green peppers, sweetcorn, cherry tomatoes, mushroom. No cheese.

  ‘You don’t like cheese?’ Ellie asked them both.

  ‘No. And the base is gluten-free, by the way.’

  ‘Okay. That’s fine by me.’

  Logan and his daughter had clearly made pizza together before. They worked as a well-oiled team—Logan chopping and prepping as Rachel spread everything out on the pizza base in perfectly organised spirals. She was very precise as to how she placed everything, her little face screwed up in concentration.

  ‘What kind of doctor do you want to be?’ Rachel asked her. ‘My daddy saves babies.’

  ‘Well, I’m doing that too, at the moment, but I’m hoping to work with transplant teams.’

  Rachel nodded. ‘Organ donation.’

  ‘That’s right.’ It felt strange to be having a conversation that was so grown up with a child who was so young, but that was the beauty of autism. It was full of surprises.

  ‘Are you an organ donor?’ Rachel asked.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘That’s a good thing.’

  ‘Yes.’

  Logan smiled at the two of them as he chopped salad, ready to go with the pizza, and Ellie caught his eye. At first she was pleased at his pleasure and then she was afraid of it.

  ‘What type of doctor do you want to be when you grow up, Rachel?’

  ‘I don’t know yet.’

  ‘Well, you have plenty of time to work that out. Logan, is there anything else I can do to help?’

  ‘Er... We need the table set. Rachel, why don’t you show Ellie where everything is and help her?’

  And soon they all were quietly busy, preparing for their dinner together, and Ellie found herself looking at Logan and Rachael in moments when they didn’t notice, just enjoying the feeling of being part of something.

  Was this what it felt like to be a family? She’d never got a chance to experience it with Daniel. It had just been the two of them, and even though they’d started to prepare a nursery for Samuel the decoration had stopped halfway through after that damning diagnosis.