Pregnant by the Single Dad Doc

by Louisa Heaton

  Marcus had been born at thirty-six weeks. He’d been blue, with the cord wrapped three times around his neck, but they’d managed to revive him and get him breathing. Then, about an hour after birth, he’d begun to look hypoxic and his parents had pressed the emergency buzzer in a panic.

  Since then baby Marcus had been monitored for three days in The Nest and his oxygen saturations had been fine—not even dropping when he had his feeds. He was looking good and it was safe for him to go home. The car seat test had to go well.

  ‘We’ve bought an oxygen monitor, just in case. You probably think we’re being over-cautious, maybe paranoid, but—’

  ‘I don’t think that at all. I think it’s a sensible step for you to take.’

  ‘It will make us feel safer,’ David said. ‘What with us both being first-time parents.’

  Ellie nodded. ‘Of course. Let’s see how he’s doing first, and then we’ll get him into the car seat—okay?’

  ‘For thirty minutes?’ Jess asked.

  ‘Yes. If he manages that without dropping his levels—we’ll have a monitor on him at all times—then he can go home.’

  She began to take her readings, assessing him for colour and form, tone and alertness. Compared to some of the other babies in The Nest Marcus looked sturdy and healthy. As if he shouldn’t be there at all.

  ‘Do you have kids?’ asked Jess.

  ‘I have a son.’ It had just slipped out, and she blinked hard, realising what she’d admitted for the first time.

  ‘How old is he?’

  She smiled, pulling her stethoscope from inside her ears. ‘He’s still a baby.’ It hurt to tell this half-truth, but she couldn’t show it.

  ‘So you know how scary it is to take a baby home for the first time? Any tips you can share?’

  Ellie hoped she wouldn’t cry. Her emotions were all over the place right now. ‘Sleep when they sleep. Rest as much as you can. Eat well.’

  ‘Sounds doable,’ said David.

  She smiled, knowing that she’d never got the chance to do any of those things. Would she this time? Was this baby going to make it?

  ‘Okay, shall we start the car seat test?’

  David nodded and got the seat ready, placing it on the floor and preparing the safety straps, pulling them out to wrap around Marcus.

  ‘Okay, Mum, when you’re ready?’ Ellie stepped back, holding the monitor she would wrap around Marcus’s toe.

  Jess knelt down, kissing Marcus on the forehead, before placing him in the seat, adjusting his arms and legs through the straps and clicking the safety buckle.

  ‘You gotta ace this—you hear me?’ she whispered, then stood up and wrapped her arms around her husband.

  Ellie attached the monitor and checked the read-out. All looked good.

  She sat back and waited.

  * * *

  Logan observed her from his office. She didn’t see him. She was too busy talking to the Carlings. He guessed the car seat test had gone well, because it looked as if it was smiles all round, and Jess Carling was beaming, having scooped up baby Marcus into her arms.

  He was smiling a little himself. It always made him pleased when parents could finally take their baby home. It meant that everything was right with the world and all was as it should be. Babies should be with their parents—not trapped on a hospital ward.

  Had he now created a situation in which he and Ellie would be sitting anxiously by a cot?

  He blamed himself. He’d caused this by giving in to his desires. Kissing her. Sleeping with her.

  What on earth was I playing at? I should have been her mentor and protected her. Put her feelings first.

  He’d told her he would be there for her and he would. But he also had to remember that he had Rachel to think about. He couldn’t start a relationship with Ellie when they didn’t know how this pregnancy would go, and it would be the wrong thing to do to get involved just because of it.

  What did it even mean, anyway? It was proof that they’d slept together, but it wasn’t physical evidence that they’d have a fool-proof romantic future!

  He couldn’t deny that he loved Ellie. He probably always would. But he couldn’t be involved with her romantically just yet. That wasn’t what she needed. She needed him to be strong. There were so many hurdles they had to get over first—before he could allow himself to think of anything else.

  She said she’d do the same thing again if she knew their baby wouldn’t survive.

  He really hoped that neither of them would have to face that possibility. To watch her go through that would tear him apart. And to experience it himself...? Well, he had no idea how he’d feel, but he did know how he’d felt when he’d not known if Rachel would live. That had been horrendous.

  And although she’d said she was strong enough to do it...he wasn’t.

  * * *

  Ellie waved off the Carlings, feeling happy tears prick at the backs of her eyes as she watched them walk away with baby Marcus in his car seat. They were going home with their baby, which was exactly as it should be.

  She was happy for them. She was. But she was also envious, not knowing if she would ever experience the same thrill for herself. She could hardly imagine how it must feel, but she supposed it must feel wondrous. You’d feel ecstatic and nervous and exhausted all at the same time!

  ‘He made it, then?’

  She turned to smile at Logan, glad that he was there with her to see it happen. ‘Yes, he did brilliantly.’

  ‘Are you crying?’

  She laughed, a little embarrassed. What could she do with these hormones running rampant? ‘Maybe a little.’

  She felt a need for his arms around her at that moment. Just a little something to show that he cared. So she moved to wrap her arms around him, going up on tiptoe to give him a kiss.

  He stepped away, looking awkward, looking up and down the corridor to make sure they were alone. ‘What are you doing?’

  Confused, Ellie looked up at him, not sure what was going on. ‘I was just going to...to kiss you.’

  ‘I don’t think we should do that here. I’m sorry if I’ve given you the wrong messages, or the wrong impression of what’s happening between us, but we shouldn’t be doing this. Not really. Slowly, we said.’

  His words, and his physical retreat from her, hit her like a sledgehammer. ‘What do you mean? I thought we’d had a lovely night last night? We kissed! It was...it was the most wonderful thing I—’

  ‘It was a mistake. I should never have done it and I apologise.’

  ‘What?’ Surely what he was saying couldn’t be true? He’d kissed her last night! And that kiss hadn’t been a goodbye kiss between friends, or a peck on the cheek. It had been deep and sensual and it had meant something!

  ‘I’m here for you, Ellie, but...’

  She held up her hand, stopping him from speaking. The tears were falling freely now. ‘I should have guessed. I mean, you’ve done this sort of thing before. I should have known. You have a track record, don’t you? Of letting me down?’

  He shook his head. ‘Ellie—’

  ‘Please—don’t. I just can’t believe you’d do this to me again!’ And she pushed by him, running to the toilets so she could break her heart in private.

  What a fool she had been! To think that just because he’d kissed her, just because they were having a baby, they were more than friends.

  I’ve embarrassed myself!

  And, worse, she had done so at work! Where she was supposed to be making a future for herself. He was her mentor—how the hell was she supposed to learn anything from him now, without there being an atmosphere?

  I can’t stay here. I can’t look him in the eye. Not today.

  She wiped her eyes with tissue and then left the safety of the bathroom and headed to the staff room.

  One of
the nurses was in there. ‘Hi. I’m just making a cup of tea for a mum. Want one?’ The nurse did a double-take. ‘Hey, are you all right?’

  ‘No. I don’t feel well. I’m going home.’

  ‘Have you told Dr Riley?’

  ‘No. If he asks can you tell him that I’ve gone and that it’s probably best if he doesn’t call.’

  The nurse looked confused. ‘Er...okay...’

  Ellie grabbed everything from her locker and raced from the department, hoping she wouldn’t meet Logan on her way out. She didn’t want to see him. He’d made everything quite clear.

  She’d been a fool not to see it before. His hesitation. His uncertainty. He’d been having doubts but had been too afraid to tell her! Daniel had walked away and now Logan was doing it too. Again! They were apart. Not a couple, as she’d hoped they were. And now, no matter what happened to this baby she had in her belly, she was going to have to do it alone—as she’d suspected.

  How could he do this to me?

  * * *

  Logan was frustrated that she hadn’t let him explain. But to let her kiss him? At work? It was the one thing he wanted to do more than anything, but how could he let it happen when he was trying so hard to keep her at arms’ length until he knew what was happening with the baby, so he could support them?

  He loved her! Deeply. She couldn’t possibly understand how much! He did, and it was hurting him to push her away, but he was doing it so he could protect her heart. Support her if the worst happened.

  Because if there was something wrong with this baby he’d need to be able to deal with it, and his feelings, without having to worry about letting Ellie down. If they lost this baby he’d be a basket case. It would tear him in two. But Ellie would need someone strong around her.

  He’d kissed her last night and he shouldn’t have. But his friendship with her, his feelings for her, had kept dragging him back, and he’d needed the connection he’d felt with her. He’d thoroughly enjoyed last night, but he knew he’d enjoyed it too much, knew that when he was with her he couldn’t stop himself from gazing at her face, from being mesmerised by her lips, by the feelings he felt within his own body whenever she was near.

  Physically, his body betrayed him. Emotionally...? He didn’t want to think about that. Right now he wanted to focus on the anger he felt with himself. If he focused on that, then he wouldn’t have to think about how her large blue eyes had welled up with tears and how she’d run away from him.

  He knew this was all his fault.

  Focus on that!

  He threw himself into his work, only discovering some time later that Ellie had gone home. ‘Feeling ill’, the nurse said, but it was clear from the nurse’s face that she suspected it might be for some other reason.

  ‘She said best not to call her.’ The nurse raised an eyebrow.

  ‘Right. Thank you.’

  His duties done for now, he headed into his office and closed the door, sinking down into his seat and holding his head in his hands. He’d screwed up royally. He knew that. He’d led her to think one thing and then pulled away when she’d tried to make things more serious, more official between them by going in for a kiss.

  He groaned, telling himself it had still been the right thing to do.

  For all of them.

  He had to believe that.

  She would thank him when the time came.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  SHE FELT SICK. Awful. Ever since she’d left the hospital she’d felt as if the whole world had become much darker. She kept forcing herself to eat, even though she didn’t want to, knowing that she had to, that otherwise she’d start being sick. Eating was the only thing keeping it at bay.

  And she had a shift this morning.

  How was she going to be able to work with him? After all he’d put her through?

  Okay, maybe she’d read more into it than she should have, but they’d slept together, made a baby. He’d kissed her just a couple of nights ago and it had been the most wonderful, tender, loving kiss she had ever experienced! Of course she’d read something into that. Who wouldn’t? She’d felt that their kiss had said, I want you. I care for you. I need you. You mean something to me.

  And she’d allowed those feelings in.

  It meant more than being friends, a kiss like that. There’d been meaning in it. They’d been getting to know each other again outside of work. She’d met his daughter. They’d been rekindling their relationship of old, making it into something newer, something better—something that spoke of hope and redemption and possibility.

  And love?

  She’d be lying if she said she didn’t love him. She had always loved Logan Riley. She’d just been very good at hiding it, that was all. But that kiss had opened the floodgates and all those repressed feelings she’d stamped down over the years so that she could move on with her life had come rushing back. She’d been hopeless to fight them.

  She’d believed that he would be with her for one of the most stressful events of her life...finding out about this baby... And now?

  He’d made it quite clear that they were not a couple. That they were not together. He hadn’t minced his words and they had torn her heart asunder. If she lost this baby because of the grief of that she would never forgive him.

  Gritting her teeth, she buzzed through to The Nest and walked down the long corridor towards the staff room. He would be in there. There would be questions from everyone else. Did she feel okay? Was she better?

  Would he look at her? Talk to her? Say hello? Ellie didn’t know how she would feel about that. Whether she was ready to see him, or whether just looking at him would make her burst into tears all over again.

  She’d hardly slept. She’d lain awake all night, staring at the ceiling, her hand resting on her belly which she could swear was definitely already bigger.

  There was a roundness to it—a definite swell. She thought that was good. She hadn’t got big with Samuel because there had been no amniotic fluid. But she was also worried that this size increase meant something bad—because surely it was too soon to be getting bigger?

  At about two in the morning she’d started searching on the internet for what it could mean.

  Polyhydramnios was one thing. An excess of amniotic fluid seen only in about one percent of pregnancies. But that didn’t mean anything. Bilateral renal agenesis wasn’t exactly common, and her son had had that.

  Multiple pregnancy? She doubted that very much. There was nothing in her family history to indicate that.

  The way the baby was lying? It was still so small! Surely that would have no bearing on things!

  It had to be something else. Something she hadn’t thought of. Something scary, no doubt—because that was how her life had played out so far, and she knew that whatever it was she was going to be facing it alone, so...

  The staff room was full of staff waiting for the hand-over. Nervously she let her gaze scan the room, but she didn’t see Logan and she felt herself relax a little. No matter what had happened between them, she still needed to continue her education.

  ‘Ellie! Hey, how are you feeling? Any better? You look a little pale.’

  She smiled at the nurse. ‘Just tired, that’s all. It was a long night.’

  ‘Well, I hope it’s nothing catching.’ The nurse smiled.

  Was grief catching? Pregnancy certainly wasn’t. But grief and hurt and pain might be. It often caught people unawares. Knocked them sideways—wasn’t that what they said? Life throwing you a curveball? Having to roll with the punches?

  Well, she was fed up with having to do that. What had she done in life that made her deserve all this?

  She sat down and Dr Curtis from the night shift stood up at the front. He waited for them to settle and stop talking and then began the hand-over, going over each case, what treatment they’d had overnight, any issues an
d any red flags. He listed the tests that still needed doing, and the procedures certain babies were due for.

  ‘And as you’ll see we have no Dr Riley with us this morning. He’s swapped to nights for the next couple of weeks, so we’ll just have to cope without him.’

  Everyone grumbled—but not Ellie. Swapped to nights? Because of what had happened with them? Who would be there overnight for Rachel? There must be someone. His parents? A friend? Who? Perhaps there was someone else? Some other relationship he was in and that was why he’d got so vehement with her the other day. Because he’d been juggling two women at the same time. It wouldn’t be the first time a man had done that.

  She raised a hand. ‘He was my learning mentor. Who do I go to now if my shifts haven’t been changed to match his?’

  ‘Ah, yes, he mentioned that. You’ll now be with me—but you haven’t got long left on this placement, and Dr Riley has assured me your training has been proceeding well, so it shouldn’t disturb you too much. Okay?’

  No. No, it wasn’t okay. But she nodded anyway. She guessed she’d probably never meant that much to him anyway.

  * * *

  Logan’s mother, now back from her travels in Bali, had been really keen to catch up with her granddaughter and had offered to come over each evening and be around through the night, whilst he was at work. She’d been happy to have the company and not be alone at night, what with his dad now being away on a golfing trip to Sri Lanka. His mum hated being alone, so it was a solution that fitted them all.

  ‘I promise it’s just for the next couple of weeks or so. You should be home again for when Dad gets back from his trip.’

  ‘Oh, it’s no problem! I love being here for you and Rachel—you know that. But is everything all right? I thought they knew you couldn’t do nights?’

  ‘They do. It’s just... I offered.’

  ‘Oh. Are you sure everything is all right?’

  He nodded, but he had to turn away. She could always tell when he was lying. But what was he going to do? Tell her he was trying to give Ellie Jones some space for a bit? The woman he’d got pregnant? That didn’t sound very good, did it?