My Beautiful Launderette

by Hanif Kureishi

  SALIM: We were all there, yaar, to see Ravi Shankar. But you all just wanted to talk about my paintings. My collection. That’s why I said, why don’t you all come round. I will turn my place into an art gallery for the evening … (The friends are giggling at OMAR, who is wearing the beard. SALIM, disturbed, turns suddenly. SALIM is appalled by OMAR in the beard.) Let’s have a little private chat, eh?

  INT. SALIM’S BEDROOM. EVENING

  SALIM snatches the beard from OMAR’s chin. He goes into the bathroom with it. OMAR moves towards the bathroom and watches SALIM frantically examine the back of the beard. When SALIM sees, in the mirror, OMAR watching him, he kicks the door shut.

  INT. SALIM’S BEDROOM. NIGHT

  SALIM comes back into the bedroom from the bathroom. He throws down the beard.

  SALIM: You can go.

  OMAR: But you haven’t paid me.

  SALIM: I’m not in the mood. Nothing happened to you on the way here? (OMAR shakes his head.) Well, something may happen to you on the way back. (SALIM is unsure at the moment what’s happened. OMAR watches him steadily. His nerve is holding out.) Get the hell out.

  EXT. OUTSIDE SALIM’S FLAT. NIGHT

  As OMAR runs down the steps of the flats to JOHNNY waiting in the revving car, SALIM stands at the window of his flat, watching them. Music over. We go with the music into:

  INT. CLUB/BAR. NIGHT

  OMAR has taken JOHNNY to the club he visited with NASSER and RACHEL.

  The club is more lively in the evening, with West Indian, English and Pakistani customers. All affluent. In fact, a couple of the JAMAICANS from the opening scene are there.

  OMAR and JOHNNY are sitting at a table. TARIQ, the young son of the club’s owner, stands beside them. He puts two menus down.

  TARIQ: (To OMAR) Of course a table is always here for you. Your Uncle Nasser – a great man. And Salim, of course. No one touches him. No one. You want to eat?

  OMAR: Tariq, later. Bring us champagne first. (TARIQ goes. To JOHNNY.) Okay?

  JOHNNY: I’m selling the stuff tonight. The bloke’s coming here in an hour. He’s testing it now.

  OMAR: Good. (Smiles at a girl.) She’s nice.

  JOHNNY: Yes.

  INT. CLUB/BAR. NIGHT

  OMAR is sitting alone at the table, drinking. TARIQ clears the table and goes. JOHNNY comes out of the toilet with the white DEALER. The DEALER goes. JOHNNY goes and sits beside OMAR.

  JOHNNY: We’re laughing.

  INT. NASSER’S ROOM. EVENING

  NASSER is lying on his bed wearing salwar kamiz. One of the young DAUGHTERS is pressing his legs and he groans with delight. OMAR is sitting across the room from him, well-dressed and relaxed. He eats Indian sweets. The other DAUGHTER comes in with more sweets, which she places by OMAR.

  OMAR: Tell me about the beach at Bombay, Uncle. Juhu beach.

  (But NASSER is in a bad mood. TANIA comes into the room. She is wearing salwar kamiz for the first time in the film. And she looks stunning. She has dressed up for OMAR.)

  (Playing to TANIA) Or the house in Lahore. When Auntie Nina put the garden hose in the window of my father’s bedroom because he wouldn’t get up. And Papa’s bed started to float.

  (TANIA stands behind OMAR and touches him gently on the shoulder. She is laughing at the story.)

  TANIA: Papa.

  (But he ignores her.)

  OMAR: (To TANIA) You look beautiful.

  (She squeezes his arm.)

  NASSER: (Sitting up suddenly) What about my damn laundrette? Damn these stories about a place you’ve never been. What are you doing, boy!

  OMAR: What am I doing?

  INT. LAUNDRETTE. DAY

  OMAR and JOHNNY in the laundrette. JOHNNY, with an axe, is smashing one of the broken-down benches off the wall while OMAR stands there surveying the laundrette, pencil and pad in hand. Splinters, bits of wood fly about as JOHNNY, athletically and enthusiastically singing at the top of his voice, demolishes existing structures.

  OMAR: (Voice over) It’ll be going into profit any day now. Partly because I’ve hired a bloke of outstanding competence and strength of body and mind to look after it with me.

  INT. NASSER’S ROOM. EVENING

  NASSER: (To young DAUGHTER) Jasmine, fiddle with my toes. (To OMAR) What bloke?

  INT. LAUNDRETTE. DAY

  JOHNNY is up a ladder vigorously painting a wall and singing loudly. The washing machines are covered with white sheets. Pots and paints and brushes lie about.

  OMAR watches JOHNNY.

  OMAR: (Voice over) He’s called Johnny.

  NASSER: (Voice over) How will you pay him?

  INT. NASSER’S ROOM, EVENING

  SALIM and ZAKI come into the room. SALIM carries a bottle of whisky. ZAKI looks nervously at TANIA who flutters her eyelashes at him.

  SALIM and ZAKI shake hands with NASSER and sit down in chairs round the bed.

  ZAKI: (To NASSER) How are you, you old bastard?

  NASSER: (Pointing to drinks) Tania.

  (TANIA fixes drinks for everyone. SALIM looks suspiciously at OMAR through this. But OMAR coolly ignores him.)

  Zaki, how’s things now then?

  ZAKI: Oh good, good, everything. But …

  (He begins to explain about his declining laundrette business and how bad his heart is, in Urdu. NASSER waves at OMAR.)

  NASSER: Speak in English, Zaki, so this boy can understand.

  ZAKI: He doesn’t understand his own language?

  NASSER: (With affectionate mock anger) Not only that. I’ve given him that pain-in-the-arse laundrette to run.

  SALIM: I know.

  NASSER: But this is the point. He’s hired someone else to do the work!

  ZAKI: Typically English, if I can say that.

  SALIM: (Harshly) Don’t fuck your uncle’s business, you little fool.

  TANIA: I don’t think you should talk to him like that, Uncle.

  SALIM: Why, what is he, royalty?

  (SALIM and NASSER exchange amused looks.)

  ZAKI: (To NASSER) She is a hot girl.

  TANIA: I don’t like it.

  OMAR: (To SALIM) In my small opinion, much good can come of fucking.

  (TANIA laughs. ZAKI is shocked. SALIM stares at OMAR.)

  NASSER: (To OMAR) Your mouth is getting very big lately.

  OMAR: Well. (And he gets up quickly, to walk out.)

  NASSER: All right, all right, let’s all take it easy.

  SALIM: Who is it sitting in the drive? It’s bothering me.

  (To TANIA.) Some friend of yours?

  (She shakes her head.)

  NASSER: Zaki, go and check it for me please.

  OMAR: It’s only Johnny. My friend. He works for me.

  NASSER: No one works without my permission.

  (To TANIA.) Bring him here now.

  (She goes. OMAR gets up and follows her.)

  EXT. NASSER’S FRONT DRIVE. EVENING

  JOHNNY is standing by the car, music coming from the car radio. TANIA and OMAR walk over to him. TANIA takes OMAR’s arm.

  TANIA: I know why you put up with them. Because there’s so much you want. You’re greedy like my father. (Nodding towards JOHNNY.) Why did you leave him out here?

  OMAR: He’s lower class. He won’t come in without being asked. Unless he’s doing a burglary.

  (They get to JOHNNY, OMAR not minding if he overhears the last remark.)

  TANIA: Come in, Johnny. My father’s waiting for you.

  (She turns and walks away. OMAR and JOHNNY walk towards the house. BILQUIS is standing in the window of the front room, looking at them. OMAR smiles and waves at her.)

  JOHNNY: How’s Salim today?

  OMAR: Wearing too much perfume as usual. (OMAR stops JOHNNY a moment and brushes his face.) An eyelash.

  (TANIA, waiting at the door, watches this piece of affection and wonders.)

  INT. NASSER’S ROOM, EVENING

  NASSER, SALIM, JOHNNY, ZAKI and OMAR are laughing together at one of Nasser’s stories. JOH
NNY has been introduced and they are getting along well. TANIA hands SALIM another drink and checks that everyone else has drinks.

  NASSER: … So I said, in my street I am the law! You see, I make wealth, I create money.

  (There is a slight pause. NASSER indicates to TANIA that she should leave the room. She does so, irritably. SALIM tries to take her hand as she goes but she pulls away from him. She has gone now.)

  (To OMAR) You like Tania?

  OMAR: Oh yes.

  NASSER: I’ll see what I can do.

  (ZAKI laughs and slaps OMAR on the knee. OMAR is uncomprehending.)

  To business now. I went to see the laundrette. You boys will make a beautiful job of it, I know. You need nothing more from there. (To OMAR.) But in exchange I want you to do something. You look like a tough chap. I’ve got some bastard tenants in one of my houses I can’t get rid of.

  JOHNNY: No, I don’t do nothing rough no more.

  NASSER: I’m not looking for a mass murderer, you bloody fool.

  JOHNNY: What’s it involve, please?

  NASSER: I tell you. Unscrewing. (To SALIM.) We’re on your favourite subject.

  SALIM: For Christ’s sake!

  JOHNNY: What is unscrewing?

  ZAKI: You’re getting into some family business, that’s all.

  SALIM: What the hell else is there for them in this country now?

  NASSER: (To OMAR) Send him to my garage. And call Tania to bring us champagne. And we’ll drink to Thatcher and your beautiful laundrette.

  JOHNNY: Do they go together?

  NASSER: Like dall and chipatis!

  EXT. OUTSIDE THE LAUNDRETTE. NIGHT

  JOHNNY and OMAR have parked their car by the laundrette. They lean against the car, close together, talking.

  JOHNNY: The timber’s coming tomorrow morning. I’m getting it cheap.

  (They walk slowly towards the laundrette.)

  OMAR: I’ve had a vision. Of how this place could be. Why do people hate laundrettes? Because they’re like toilets. This could be a Ritz among laundrettes.

  JOHNNY: A laundrette as big as the Ritz. Yeah.

  (JOHNNY puts his arm round OMAR. OMAR turns to him and they kiss on the mouth. They kiss passionately and hold each other.

  On the other side of the laundrette, GENGHIS, MOOSE and three other LADS are kicking the laundrette dustbins across the pavement. They can’t see OMAR and JOHNNY.

  JOHNNY detaches himself from OMAR and walks round the laundrette to the LADS. OMAR moves into a position from where he can see, but doesn’t approach the LADS.

  MOOSE sees JOHNNY and motions to GENGHIS who is engrossed with the kicking. GENGHIS faces JOHNNY. JOHNNY controls himself. He straightens the dustbin and starts banging the rubbish back in. He gestures to a couple of the LADS to help him. They move back, away from him.

  JOHNNY grabs MOOSE by the hair and stuffs his head into a dustbin. MOOSE, suitably disciplined, then helps JOHNNY stuff the rubbish back in the bin, looking guiltily at GENGHIS.)

  GENGHIS: Why are you working for them? For these people? You were with us once. For England.

  JOHNNY: It’s work. I want to work. I’m fed up of hanging about.

  GENGHIS: I’m angry. I don’t like to see one of our men grovelling to Pakis. They came here to work for us. That’s why we brought them over. OK?

  (And GENGHIS moves away. As he does so, he sees OMAR. The others see him at the same time. MOOSE takes out a knife. GENGHIS indicates for him to keep back. He wants to concentrate on JOHNNY.)

  Don’t cut yourself off from your own people. Because there’s no one else who really wants you. Everyone has to belong.

  EXT. SOUTH LONDON STREET. NIGHT

  They are in a street of desolate semi-detached houses in bad condition, ready for demolition. JOHNNY kisses OMAR and opens the car door.

  JOHNNY: I can’t ask you in. And you’d better get back to your father.

  OMAR: I didn’t think you’d ever mention my father.

  JOHNNY: He helped me, didn’t he? When I was at school.

  OMAR: And what did you do but hurt him?

  JOHNNY: I want to forget all of those things.

  (He gets out quickly and walks across the front of the car. He turns the corner of the street. OMAR gets out of the car and follows him.)

  EXT. STREET. NIGHT

  OMAR follows JOHNNY, making sure he isn’t seen.

  JOHNNY turns into a boarded-up derelict house. OMAR watches him go round the side of the house and climb in through a broken door.

  OMAR turns away.

  INT. PAPA’S FLAT. NIGHT

  PAPA is asleep in the room, dead drunk and snoring. OMAR has come in. He stands by Papa’s bed and strokes his head.

  He picks up an almost empty bottle of vodka and drinks from it, finishing it. He goes to the balcony door with it.

  EXT. BALCONY. NIGHT

  OMAR stands on the balcony, looking over the silent railway line. Then, suddenly, he shouts joyfully into the distance. And throws the empty bottle as far as he can.

  EXT. OUTSIDE THE LAUNDRETTE. DAY

  OMAR and JOHNNY are working hard and with great concentration, painting the outside of the laundrette, the doors, etc. Although it’s not finished, it’s beginning to reach its final state. The new windows have been installed; but the neon sign isn’t yet up.

  KIDS play football nearby. And various cynical LOCALS watch, a couple of OLD MEN whom we see in the betting shop later. Also MOOSE and another LAD who are amused by all the effort. They lean against a wall opposite and drink from cans.

  Further up the street SALIM is watching all this from his parked car.

  JOHNNY is up a ladder. He gets down the ladder, nods goodbye to OMAR and puts his paint brush away. SALIM reverses his car.

  JOHNNY walks away. OMAR looks nervously across at MOOSE who stares at him.

  INT. GARAGE OFFICE. DAY

  NASSER and SALIM in the glassed-in office of the garage. NASSER is going through various papers on his desk. SALIM watches him and is very persistent.

  SALIM: I passed by the laundrette. So you gave them money to do it up? (NASSER shakes his head.) Where did they get it from, I wonder?

  NASSER: Government grant. (SALIM looks dubiously at NASSER.) Oh, Omo’s like us, yaar. Doesn’t he fit with us like a glove? He’s pure bloody family. (Looks knowingly at SALIM.) So, like you, God knows what he’s doing for money. (NASSER looks up and sees JOHNNY squashing his face against the glass of the door of the office. He starts to laugh.)

  SALIM: That other joker’s a bad influence on Omo. I’m sure of it. There’s some things between them I’m looking into. (JOHNNY comes in.)

  (To OMAR) So they let you out of prison. Too crowded, are they?

  JOHNNY: Unscrew.

  (SALIM reacts. NASSER quickly leads JOHNNY out of the office, while speaking to SALIM through the open door.)

  NASSER: (In Urdu) Don’t worry, I’m just putting this bastard to work.

  SALIM: (In Urdu) The bastard, it’s a job in itself.

  NASSER: (In Urdu) I’ll have my foot up his arse at all times.

  SALIM: (In Urdu) That’s exactly how they like it. And he’ll steal your boot too.

  (JOHNNY looks amusedly at them both.)

  INT. HOUSE. DAY

  This is one of Nasser’s properties. A falling-down four-storey place in South London, the rooms of which he rents out to itinerants and students.

  Peeling walls, faded carpets, cat piss. JOHNNY and NASSER are on the top landing of the house, standing by a door. JOHNNY is holding a tool kit, which he starts to unpack.

  NASSER: He’s changed the lock so you take off the whole door in case he changes it again. He’s only a poet with no money.

  JOHNNY: I’m not hurting nobody, OK?

  INT. TOP CORRIDOR OF HOUSE. DAY

  Later. NASSER has gone. JOHNNY has got through the lock and the door is open. He is unscrewing the hinges and singing to himself.

  At the end of the hall a Pakistani in his fifties wa
tches him. JOHNNY lifts the door off the frame and leans it against the wall.

  POET: Now that door you’ve just taken off. Hang it back.

  (With great grunting effort JOHNNY picks the door up. He tries hard to move past the POET with it. The POET shoves JOHNNY hard. JOHNNY almost balances himself again but not quite, does a kind of dance with the door before crashing over with it on top of him.

  JOHNNY struggles to his feet. The POET advances towards him and JOHNNY retreats.)

  I’m a poor man. This is my room. Let’s leave it that way. (And the POET shoves JOHNNY again.

  JOHNNY, not wanting to resist, falls against the wall.

  At the end of the hall, at the top of the stairs, NASSER appears. The POET turns to NASSER and moves towards him, abusing him in Punjabi. NASSER ignores him. As the POET goes for NASSER, JOHNNY grabs the POET from behind and twists his arm up behind him.)

  NASSER: Throw this bugger out!

  (JOHNNY shoves the struggling POET along the corridor to the top of the stairs and then bundles him downstairs.)

  INT. ROOM. DAY

  The room from which JOHNNY removed the door. A large badly furnished bedsit with a cooker, fridge, double-bed, wardrobe, etc.

  NASSER is giving JOHNNY money. Then NASSER opens the window and looks out down the street. The POET is walking away from the house. NASSER calls out after him in Punjabi. And he throws the poet’s things out of the window. The POET scrabbles around down below, gathering his things.)

  JOHNNY: Aren’t you giving ammunition to your enemies doing this kind of … unscrewing? To people who say Pakis just come here to hustle other people’s lives and jobs and houses.