This is Me

by Shari Low

  Ray’s picture of their future was the dream that she hung on to when things got tough at home. Her mother-in-law was lovely, but she made it very clear that it was Denise’s job to look after the kids and Ray, and since her in-laws were out at work, it had become her job to clean the house too. And the kids… Being cooped up in this house every day or trailing them to the shops or the park was exhausting. Sometimes she felt like she was fifty-one instead of twenty-one. If she was being really honest, sometimes she was jealous of girls like Alice who were out having a great time. Not that she’d swap her life for theirs – not if it meant giving up Ray.

  She stirred the mince on the stove, then went back to the ironing, ignoring the arguing next door. The kids were still at it. It was a relief when she heard Jenny come in ten minutes later, brandishing their weekly bag of sweets, and stopped them whinging.

  ‘There’s mince on the stove and potatoes in the oven,’ she told Jenny, who responded with a smile.

  ‘God, yer a lifesaver, so you are. I’m absolutely famished. Any sign of the menfolk?’

  Denise shook her head. ‘Not a word. I’m sure they’ll be back soon.’

  Her confidence was misplaced. By nine o’clock there was still no sign of them. The kids had been bathed and put to bed, Claire’s uniform hanging on the bars of the bunk beds in the box room that they shared.

  Denise knew better than to be worried. When Ray and his dad were out, they could come home at six o’clock or they could come home at midnight. It was just the way it was. Jenny didn’t bat an eyelid and Denise was working on accepting it too. It would have been nice to have spent some time with him this weekend though.

  At 11 p.m. she took herself off to bed. She was no sooner under the covers when the door flew opened and her grinning husband stood there, a jubilant expression on his face. He punched the air, clearly chuffed with himself.

  ‘Ask me who the top scorer was today then? Go on, ask me,’ he said, laughing his head off. He was drunk. He was happy. Even standing there in his muddy strip – thanks to the Scottish weather taking no heed of the fact that August was supposed to be summer – not even changed or washed after the game, he was the most attractive man she’d ever seen. And that’s why every moan, every worry, every moment of irritation she’d had that day simply faded into the background the minute he entered the room. It was the effect he’d had on her since the day they met.

  ‘Who was top scorer today?’ she asked, giggling, so happy to play the game.

  ‘That would be your absolutely fucking sexy husband!’ With that, he threw himself on the bed, forcing her to muffle her own shrieks of laughter in case Jenny and Pete heard.

  There was no apology for staying out late or missing dinner. No enquiry as to how the kids were or how her day had been. Just laughter and kisses and now his hand was under her nightdress and she felt happy for the first time in days. This was what she lived for. This man, right here.

  She reached out and pressed the play button on the tape recorder on her bedside table. It was left there precisely for this purpose. She’d be mortified if she thought Jenny and Pete heard them having sex, so she made sure the only sound they heard was the mixtape of Culture Club, Wham and Lionel Ritchie songs she’d recorded off the radio.

  Denise closed her eyes and surrendered completely to his touch and the words he was murmuring in her ear. ‘You are so fucking gorgeous.’ ‘I get hard just thinking about you.’ ‘I’ve been waiting to do this all night.’

  It lasted longer than usual, probably due to the dozen or so beers he’d downed at the pub, but she wasn’t complaining. He was the very best bit of her life, and she’d take every second of him that she could get.

  Eventually he came, just as Kajagoogoo were singing about being too shy. The motion of him exploding inside her made her come too, and she was still feeling the aftershocks and tingling of ecstasy when he kissed her, rolled off, and his muffled snoring told her that he was already asleep. She didn’t mind. He’d had a long day.

  Still buzzed up on the passion and happiness, it took her a while to follow suit, so she was already exhausted when the alarm woke her at 7 a.m. the next morning.

  Ray was usually up and out on the way to work by then, so it was a real treat to wake and feel his arms around her.

  ‘Man, I feel like shit,’ he groaned. ‘Thank Christ I didn’t need to get up for work this morning.’

  Denise laughed, kissing him a dozen times on the face and neck. ‘No, but you need to get up now and get ready. It’s Claire’s first day of school, remember?’

  Of course he did – it was why he’d taken the morning off.

  ‘Ah bollocks, I’m going to give it a miss,’ he murmured.

  Her heart sank as she turned and raised herself on one elbow. ‘Come on, babe, she’ll be so disappointed if you’re not there.’ It was true. Perhaps because he could be a little disinterested in her sometimes, Claire clung to him constantly and always seemed to want his attention and affection.

  ‘She won’t even notice,’ he argued, yawning. ‘Just tell her I’m not feeling great. A tummy bug,’ he added with a cheeky grin.

  Denise knew there was no way to change his mind. When Ray Harrow decided something, that was it. There was no point moaning or nagging, so instead she got up as she heard Jenny leaving for her 7.30 a.m. start, got the kids fed, washed and ready and it was only when they headed to the door that Claire realised someone was missing.

  ‘Isn’t Daddy coming?’ she asked, anxiously.

  ‘He’s not, pet. He’s not feeling very well today, so he has to stay in bed so you two don’t catch his tummy bug.’

  Tears immediately filled her daughter’s eyes and, sensing an excuse for sympathy and attention, Doug got in on the act too. Soon, they were both crying at the top of their voices. Denise thought the noise might bring Ray out of the room, but it didn’t. Instead, the bedroom door that had been very slightly ajar was pushed shut from the other side. There was the definitive answer as to whether or not he would change his mind.

  Holding the hand of one crying child on one side and another on the opposite side, Denise walked the twenty minutes to Claire’s school, then forced herself to smile as all the parents were welcomed into the classroom with their children. They saw the little desk and chair their child would sit at, met the teacher for the first time and smiled at the other mums and dads. Mums and dads. And in some cases, grannies and grandads. As far as she could see, she was the only one there on her own.

  Denise was relieved when people began to drift towards the door, and joined the departing parents straight away.

  Only when she was crossing the playground, her hand holding on to Doug so he didn’t run back to join his sister, did she realise why she was feeling deflated and like the whole morning wasn’t as great as she expected it to be.

  It just wasn’t the same without Ray there. It was one of the rare occasions that she could feel herself becoming irritated with her husband, but she shrugged it off immediately. He worked so hard that he deserved the odd day off. He was going to give her a great life, and although it was tough, it was already ten times better than living with her parents in an overcrowded house, with no clue how she was ever going to escape it.

  She was at one end of the tunnel. And Ray was going to get them to the light at the other end of it.

  Twenty

  Claire – 2019

  Caro may have been intending to pop up for half an hour, but it was way over an hour before she even made a move to leave.

  ‘I so wish I’d got in another member of staff so I could spend the day up here with you lot. Keep me a glass of Prosecco and I’ll pop up when the shop closes if you’re still here.’

  Claire shook her head. ‘There’s no way these three are keeping me here until then,’ she replied playfully. ‘I think that crosses the line to a hostage situation.’

  ‘Anything that could bring a big, muscly SWAT team charging in here is fine by me,’ Josie quipped. They knew she
meant it.

  Caro hugged them all and headed off, leaving the four of them with their topped up wine glasses.

  ‘What were we talking about before Caro came in?’ Val asked. ‘Honest to God, I can’t remember what I did an hour ago. This getting old is a frigging nightmare. I was up for a pee twice last night and I’m in Pluckers every month, begging Suze to cover the grey,’ she said, talking about the salon on the street below. ‘I only hang about with Josie because she makes me look younger,’ she added, digging her pal in the side.

  Josie didn’t waste a minute. ‘I only hang about with you because you make me look thinner,’ she shot back, before the two of them dissolved into giggles. Claire loved their relationship. It was like watching a premonition of her and Jeanna in thirty years’ time.

  Claire stepped in to answer Val’s question. ‘We were talking about my parents,’ she said. ‘And how they wanted nothing to do with me being pregnant and didn’t come to my wedding.’

  ‘I shagged Doug that night too,’ Jeanna said wistfully, almost to herself.

  The other three stopped and slowly turned to look at her, eyebrows raised in curiosity.

  ‘What?’ she feigned innocence. ‘Did I mention he looked like Ricky Martin back then? Anyway, he still wasn’t married.’

  ‘No, but he was still seeing Fiona!’ Claire exclaimed. ‘In fact, she was with him!’

  Jeanna nodded, remembering. ‘You’re right. She was. It was a quickie in the restaurant cleaning cupboard. That Boris Becker didn’t start that trend, you know. I’ve had several passionate moments with the heady aroma of Mr Sheen and those circle things they put in men’s loos.’

  Claire could see Jeanna found this all hilarious, but she wasn’t quite having the same reaction.

  ‘Have you been shagging my brother my whole life and I’ve been completely clueless to it?’

  ‘Absolutely not! Just back then. Before he was married.’

  Val asked the obvious question. ‘So why didn’t you ever give it a go with him?’

  Jeanna shrugged. ‘Because he was seeing someone and then Brian came along and swept me off my feet. And that’s not easy to do when you’re called Brian.’

  Claire smiled at the memory of Jeanna’s first husband. He’d been a lovely guy, but five years into the marriage, Jeanna had met Giles, and their affair led to a messy divorce, and Giles becoming husband number two for a relatively short period of time until Jeanna was back at the lawyer’s office. Claire wasn’t going to bring that up because she knew that had been the very worst time of Jeanna’s life and she didn’t want to drag her back there.

  Jeanna obviously felt the same. ‘Anyway, we’re not here to talk about what my bits got up to in a cupboard. Or my zero-for-two marriage record. I much prefer it when it’s you who’s wallowing in your failures.’

  ‘It’s a wonder either of us made it to marriage at all after what we grew up with,’ Claire mused. ‘That could have put us off for life.’

  It was true. When they were growing up, Jeanna’s mum had a succession of live-in partners, and as for her own parents…

  ‘But your mum and dad are still married, aren’t they?’ Val asked.

  Claire nodded. ‘Honestly, though, Val, it’s not a marriage I’d have in a million years. My parents met at a youth club disco when my mum was fifteen and my dad was sixteen. Sometimes I think their emotional development ended right there. She’s been like a lovestruck teenager her whole life, like she’s only truly happy when she’s with him. Doug and I were always afterthoughts. Didn’t really matter. She kinda tolerated life, just went through the motions until he walked in the door and made her come alive. Meanwhile, he’s like a spoiled, demanding, arrogant brat. He didn’t give a toss about us. In fact, he resented it when we took my mother’s attention from him.’

  Val was listening intently. ‘Because he loved her?’

  Claire shrugged. ‘Because he couldn’t stand it if she wasn’t focusing 100 per cent on him. That’s who he is. And my mum went along with it every time.’

  ‘Sounds like he controls her,’ Josie said, her face pinched with disapproval. ‘Was he abusive?’

  ‘No,’ Claire replied honestly. ‘He was never violent or nasty to her – the opposite actually. You’re right though, he does control her.’ Claire paused. ‘But it’s not through fear or intimidation – she willingly goes along with it because she worships the ground he walks on. She adores him above everything and everyone else, and truly believes he’s the perfect man and they have the perfect marriage.’

  Val couldn’t grasp this. ‘She loves him more than her kids?’

  ‘Definitely more than her kids. And it didn’t matter to her how he treated us. Still doesn’t. We’ve always been way down the priority list. He doesn’t even pretend to want anything to do with us any more and she goes along with that. Everything he says is right, and she takes his side every time. For her, it was all about him. Still is.’

  ‘Well, let me tell you. I love the bones of my Don, but he knows the kids have always come first. And it’s the same for him. If it wasn’t, he’d be out on his ear,’ Val said.

  Claire knocked back a slug of Prosecco. Talking about her parents was killing her happy buzz. They always had that effect on her. ‘Me too, Val. I think that’s why I went so far the other way with my two. They were the centre of my world from the minute they were born.’

  ‘I thought I was the centre of your world?’ Jeanna teased.

  ‘Nope, you were the centre of my kitchen. For the first few years that Sam and I were together, he thought you lived with us. Now I know you were just hanging out there, waiting for my brother to pop in so you could shag him in the utility room.’

  ‘The spare bedroom wardrobe,’ Jeanna corrected her.

  ‘Noooooooo, don’t say that! You’re scarring me for life here! I really need to drink more.’

  ‘I’m joking,’ Jeanna said, finding this hilarious.

  ‘Oh, thank God,’ Claire blurted.

  ‘It wasn’t the wardrobe. It was the bath.’

  ‘Right, that’s it. I’m not even going to speak to you any more,’ Claire replied, deadpan. If Jeanna knew she was getting shock value, this would go on all day. Much better to ignore her.

  Josie came to the rescue, switching back to the topic of Claire’s parents. ‘That’s no way to live. What do your mum’s friends think?’

  ‘She doesn’t have any. Not because my dad doesn’t let her, but because she genuinely doesn’t want any. She would rather save every moment of free time for him. It’s twisted, Josie, it really is, but I gave up trying to work it out a long time ago. There’s no reasoning with her. I’ve just had to accept that’s how she’s chosen to live her life, and she’s genuinely happy. It’s just not my version of happiness, thank God.’

  The beep of an incoming text message interrupted the conversation. ‘That’ll be yours, Jeanna. It’s Doug asking if you fancy a quickie,’ Josie joked.

  ‘Nope, not mine,’ Jeanna replied, before scanning the room. ‘And there’s nowhere big enough in here anyway,’ she teased.

  ‘I swear to God, I’m going to tape your gob shut,’ Claire said, exasperated.

  Jeanna was on a roll and couldn’t be stopped. ‘Yep, Doug did that one time too. It was an S&M thing.’

  It was so ludicrous, a gale of laughter derailed Claire’s disapproval.

  Val and Josie had both fished their mobile phones out of their bags and checked. Nope, not them either.

  Claire reached out and grabbed her phone from the desk.

  Yep, there was the message.

  Sam.

  She opened it up.

  So it sounds like our boy enjoyed his first weekend at college… On a scale of 1–10, how frantic are you?

  She typed back.

  10. Jeanna and I are planning his retrieval right now

  Claire smiled as she pressed ‘send’ then replayed the conversation to the others. The one thing that she was most proud of was that she a
nd Sam had managed to stay friends throughout everything. Sure, there had been a few stumbling blocks along the way. It had taken her a moment or ten to recover when he’d moved in with Nicola, a colleague from work. Especially as Nicola was five years younger than her, stunning and the kind of organised, switched on, perfectly groomed career woman that Claire couldn’t be if her life depended on it. Getting out of the house with a matching bra and knickers proved to be a challenge most days.

  He replied instantly.

  Thought so. Seem to remember that happening on his first day of school too.

  ‘What’s funny?’ Jeanna asked, seeing her expression.

  ‘Just Sam,’ Claire replied. ‘He’s talking about Jordy’s first day of school. Remember that?’

  ‘Yup. It’s a miracle we didn’t get arrested.’

  ‘Nope, what happened was much worse than getting arrested.’

  There was a pang of sadness in the midst of the memory. That was in the days when she and Sam were good. In hindsight, she should have seen the clues. But back then she didn’t have an inkling about what was to come.

  Twenty-One

  Claire – 2007

  ‘Right! Spiderman backpack?’ Claire asked.

  ‘Yup,’ Jordy replied.

  ‘Spiderman lunchbox?’

  ‘Yup.’