Learning to Fly: A story about overcoming depression

by David E Forrester

  ‘The Aussie employment data,’ Johnno said with a smile.

  Pete laughed. ‘Who came up with that one?’

  ‘Bruce in Research. He figured that the employment data have been so random lately that there’s no point trying to forecast them. So, he calls it a lottery just like back home in Oz,’ Johnno explained.

  Pete stood up and looked around for Bruce. ‘Hey Bruce, nice job on coining the term Oz Lotto, mate.’

  Bruce swivelled in his chair. ‘Thanks, Pete.’

  ‘Any predictions for today’s number?’

  Bruce laughed and playfully waved Pete off.

  Pete sat back down as Bruce announced, ‘One minute to the Oz Lotto numbers. The balls are being scrambled.’

  Then there was a quiet fifty seconds before Bruce said, ‘Here we go,’ and after a short pause ‘…employment rises by…one hundred and twenty thousand!’ Bruce sounded incredulous. ‘That’s a record rise! And the unemployment rate drops point three per cent to six point one per cent.’

  The trading floor was silent in disbelief. The Aussie dollar had already jumped fifty pips and was beginning a grind higher. No one knew what to do.

  Pete stood up and looked at Bruce. ‘Hey Bruce, these numbers are way too good to be true, right?’ he asked, full of scepticism.

  ‘Way too good. And there’s a big gap between the seasonally adjusted and unadjusted data.1 So, the growth’s all seasonal adjustment and BS,’ Bruce answered.

  ‘You think we should sell into this rally then?’ Pete asked.

  Bruce took a deep breath. He could feel the trading floor waiting on his response. ‘Yes, the market’s not going to believe the data once it takes a closer look.’

  ‘Thanks. Got to get to work now,’ Pete said and turned to the Sales desk. ‘OK guys, here’s what we’re going to do. I’m so confident that these data are BS and that the Aussie’s going back down, that we’re going to sell the Aussie to anyone who wants to buy it, at market. That’s right, no mark up. If you want to mark it up, go ahead, the pips are all yours. If people are dumb enough to buy the Aussie on this number, I’m going to be smart enough to sell it to them and hold the position.’

  The salespeople looked at Pete, stunned, and he had to call them to action. ‘C’mon people. What’re you waiting for? Let’s make some freaking money!’

  The trading floor erupted into action with salespeople frantically typing and talking to their clients.

  Pete sat back down. ‘So much for a quiet wind down,’ Johnno said in between deals.

  Pete grinned. ‘Sometimes you’ve just got to love the Lottery,’ he replied and then shouted a price to a salesperson.

  The noise of the trading floor attracted Nick’s attention and he came out of his office to see what the commotion was about. His large frame caught Pete’s eye and while yelling out another price, Pete nodded confidently at Nick, who returned the nod and headed back into his office to leave Pete to handle the situation.

  During the next half hour of frantic trading, Pete was hearing the names of clients that had not dealt with the bank in months. And by the time the market had settled back down, the Aussie dollar had retraced its rally and the bank’s flow report showed that the Desk had seen more deals in thirty minutes than it had over the whole of the last month.

  Salespeople came around to Pete and the other traders’ desks to thank them for their brave pricing, which ensured that they had won business at good margins. And, for the first time since his incident with Derek, Pete felt as though he was loving his work again.

  25

  Plunging in

  Pete had told Waku Ghin that he and Liz were celebrating their tenth wedding anniversary and been rewarded with a very entertaining dinner. Not only did their private chef regale them with his culinary skills, but also his colourful commentary about each of their ten courses and how they would enhance different aspects of their marriage. The chef was even cheeky enough to serve milt and say that it would increase their libidos and fertility.

  Liz seemed very pleased with the food and entertainment, and while Pete tried to tip the chef, he had simply said that he was glad to be of service to such a lovely couple and had insisted on the Japanese custom of not accepting.

  Pete had left little in the evening to chance and, so far, everything was going right, and in some cases, even better than he had hoped. But the evening was coming to its final and most crucial stage, and Pete was nervous. As he and Liz walked back to their hotel room arm-in-arm, Pete began counting his steps and breathing in slow, rhythmic breaths to try and calm himself down. But he ended up almost marching, which attracted Liz’s attention.

  ‘Are you OK, Pete? You seem nervous,’ she observed.

  ‘Ah, fine. I think I’m just a little queasy after eating fish sperm,’ he said, to cover up his nervousness.

  Liz chuckled.

  ‘Yeah, not something I ever thought I’d hear myself say either,’ Pete said with a laugh, feeling a little more relaxed.

  When they entered the suite, Liz headed for the bathroom. ‘I just want to freshen up a little Pete,’ she said, then added with a giggle, ‘and maybe floss.’

  Pete was too nervous to laugh at Liz’s joke and was looking through the multiple closets in the suite. Crap, I should’ve told them which closet to put it in,’ he thought.

  After checking all the closets and not finding what he was looking for, Pete began to panic. Bloody hell, they’ve probably forgotten.

  Pete was heading for the telephone as Liz came out of the bathroom. ‘I heard you rustling about out here. What’re you looking for?’ she asked.

  Pete turned around, ‘Oh nothing. I’m just going to call down to the front desk and arrange a late checkout for tomorrow.’

  ‘We did that when we checked in,’ Liz reminded Pete.

  Crap I’m trapped, Pete thought. Just then the doorbell rang. ‘Room service,’ a voice called through the door.

  ‘I’ll get that,’ Pete said, rushing for the door. Standing in the doorway was a waiter with a serving table loaded with a bottle of champagne on ice, glasses and a bowl of strawberries.

  The waiter smiled. ‘Champagne and strawberries courtesy of the Marina Bay Sands Hotel. Happy tenth wedding anniversary,’ he announced.

  Liz came and joined a stunned Pete at the door. ‘Oh, how thoughtful. Please thank the manager for us. And please come in,’ Liz said.

  Pete’s shock began to wear off as he stepped aside to let the waiter through. The waiter whispered discreetly, ‘Sir, you may want to check under the table.’

  Pete gave the waiter a confused look, which was met with rolling eyes. ‘What you asked to be put in the closet, sir. We thought this would be better,’ he whispered.

  Pete quickly pulled up the tablecloth and then let it drop with a sigh of relief. ‘Thank you,’ he mouthed.

  ‘And you may also want to thank your work colleagues for the champagne and strawberries,’ the waiter added, sotto voce.

  Pete smiled and swallowed. The bastards do care, he thought.

  When the waiter had finished setting everything up, Pete walked him to the door and reached into his pocket.

  ‘Don’t worry, sir. It’s not often I get to bring so much relief to someone’s face. Taking money would only spoil it for the both of us, don’t you think?’

  Pete nodded his understanding, shook the waiter’s hand and said once again, ‘Thank you.’

  As Pete walked back into the suite, he thought about the kindness he had already received that evening. A chef who had thoughtfully made a meal meaningful for them, work colleagues who had Pete’s back and a waiter who was grateful his job allowed him to bring someone else some happiness.

  Pete realised that while a lot can go wrong in the world, there are also a lot of people out there trying to make things go right. He decided that now was as good a time as any to plunge in.

  Pete saw Liz eyeing the strawberries. ‘Can we hold off on that for a minute or two? I have something for yo
u,’ he said.

  ‘Sure.’ Liz looked at Pete curiously.

  He took her by the hand and sat her down on the divan near the window, which overlooked Marina Bay, grabbed a chair and placed it opposite her, then reached under the room-service table and pulled out his guitar.

  Liz bit her lip as Pete removed the guitar from its soft case and sat down. He closed his eyes to steady himself and when he reopened them, he looked at Liz as he had done on their wedding day. He started to strum the slow beat he had rehearsed and began to sing in his gravelly voice.

  Pete thought about the lyrics of the song he had written and how they were about Liz and his life together so far. How they had met and fallen in love, the ups and downs in their relationship and mistakes that both of them had made, but how they were not the sum of those mistakes. And, then the birth of Bobby.

  He quickened the guitar’s tempo and increased the volume of his voice as he brought the song to its crescendo.

  Pete sang about their future together, the new soul they were desperately trying to call into the world to join their family, his own efforts to rebuild himself and become a better father and husband and how he and Liz would grow old together and comfort each other on the journey.

  Pete dragged out the final phrase of the song and after a short pause put aside the guitar. He looked at Liz, unsure what to do or say. While she had tears in her eyes, Pete wasn’t sure what they meant – joy or sorrow. He started to speak, ‘Liz I—,’ but Liz held an index finger to his lips to shush him. She then reached over to embrace Pete before they shared an emotionally charged kiss.

  26

  Holiday in Hoi An

  Pete held Bobby’s hand as they walked along the dusty street to the Mango Rooms restaurant in Hoi An’s Old Town. Liz was walking on the other side of Pete and keeping her distance from Bobby. The tension between the two of them had been building throughout the day, as Bobby kept hounding Liz for attention.

  Pete was hoping that a good family dinner and nice walk afterwards would rescue their holiday spirit. Mercifully, the night was cool, cloudless and breezy with a bright moon, so it was a pleasant walk from where the cab had dropped them just outside the Old Town. Lanterns swayed in the breeze and painted the old Portuguese buildings and streets with splotches of pink. There was only patchy pedestrian traffic, as cars were not allowed in Old Town.

  ‘Here we are,’ Pete said encouragingly as they arrived at the restaurant.

  ‘About time. I’m hungry,’ Bobby grumbled.

  Pete let out a breath. ‘OK, we’d better hurry up and order then,’ he said, raising his eyebrows at Liz as she walked into the restaurant ahead of them. Pete could tell Liz was silently simmering and it made him nervous.

  Both Pete and Liz’s mothers had offered to fly up from Australia to take care of Bobby, so that they could get some time alone to celebrate their tenth wedding anniversary. Pete had declined their offers, however, and now he was regretting the decision.

  The restaurant was bustling with activity, but Pete had planned ahead and booked a table upstairs near a window. He was hoping that the view would keep Bobby entertained. He could see down to the street as well as over the nearby buildings to the water, where the bum boats plied their way up and down the river.

  ‘OK, Bobby, here’s your seat right near the window. Do you want to sit next to me?’ Pete asked.

  ‘No, I want to sit next to Mummy,’ Bobby replied, smiling, then gazed out the window.

  Liz broke her silence. ‘So much for my break,’ she said, sitting down next to Bobby and giving Pete an angry look.

  ‘Sorry,’ Pete mouthed as he sat down.

  Pete felt an urgent need to get food out on the table and made himself busy with the menu. After a minute, he looked up at Liz and said, ‘So White Rose dumplings for starters and for mains some phish fish, tempura prawns and the dancing phoenix duck breast. And for vegetables some stir-fried kang kong. Sound OK?’

  ‘I want ice cream,’ Bobby demanded.

  ‘Bobby, we will talk about dessert only after you’ve eaten your dinner,’ Pete said.

  ‘Will Bobby be able to eat any of that?’ Liz asked distrustfully.

  Pete nodded. ‘Yes, he liked the dumplings when he had them here the other day and he likes tempura. And I’ll make sure they keep chilli out of the vegetables. The fish and duck are a bit unusual and more to an adult’s taste, but they don’t read as spicy,’ Pete said reassuringly as he signalled a waiter.

  Pete quickly gave the waiter their order and stressed, ‘No chilli in the kang kong, only garlic.’ With that done, Pete breathed a sigh of relief as they settled in to wait for their dinner to arrive. Bobby was looking quietly out the window at the street and Pete took the opportunity to talk to Liz. ‘Are you all right?’ he asked, concerned.

  Liz sighed and replied, ‘I’m just tired, Pete.’

  Pete began to say, ‘I know. I’m sorry you—’

  ‘Mummy, come and look at the boats, they’ve got people having dinner on them. Could we do that?’ Bobby interrupted.

  Liz rolled her eyes and was about to reply to Bobby when Pete jumped in, a little annoyed. ‘Hey Bobby, Mummy and Daddy are talking. What’ve we told you about interrupting?’

  ‘Excuse me, Mummy, could you please come and look at the boats? They’ve got people eating on them.’

  ‘Good asking, Bobby, but Mummy and Daddy would like to talk for a minute. Could you entertain yourself for a bit, please?’ Pete asked coolly, controlling his temper.

  Bobby began to reply, ‘But I just want to—’

  ‘Bobby, we’re asking for just a minute!’

  ‘OK,’ Bobby said crestfallen.

  ‘It’s not his fault, Pete. He’s bored, like I said he would be.’ Liz was clearly annoyed at Pete’s handling of Bobby.

  ‘I just wanted a nice family vacation. It’s not my fault it’s so hot he’s trapped indoors. I can’t control the weather,’ Pete said defensively.

  ‘Maybe you should’ve checked the season before booking,’ Liz replied.

  Pete felt his emotions start to build and threaten to flood his mind. She’s being unfair and ungrateful and Bobby’s getting upset at seeing us argue, he thought, then countered, ‘I just thought it would be nice to come back here since we enjoyed it so much the first time.’

  ‘But what did we do the first time we were here?’ Liz asked and then quickly went on, ‘We hung out in cafés or by the pool, visited art galleries, took a Vietnamese cooking class and had some clothes tailored. That’s hardly the stuff of childhood dreams.’

  Pete knew Liz was making good points but was too busy holding back his emotions to respond with his verbal judo. It was then that the waiter arrived with their appetisers. He put the White Rose dumplings out on the table and the kang kong, which was littered with chillies.

  The dam holding back Pete’s emotions burst and for the first time since his incident with Derek at work, he felt as though he could lose control of his temper. He took a breath, stood up and brusquely announced, ‘I’m going to take a walk,’ and headed out of the restaurant.

  Pete didn’t know where he was going and didn’t care, he was too distracted by the Monster, which whispered seductively, You see, you try and do something nice. A nice family vacation and dinner and she throws it back in your face. You should just call it a night and head back to the resort. Leave Liz and Robert to take care of themselves. See how well they do then! Ingrates.

  Pete started to count his footsteps to try and push the Monster out of his mind, but it persisted. It’s not your fault. The weather’s too hot, the resort’s not set up for kids and that waiter couldn’t even get your order right. It’s not just Liz and Robert, the whole world’s conspiring against you.

  Pete’s anger quickly morphed into despair and he stopped walking. He looked up at the clear night sky, took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Once again he turned to face the Monster. He still couldn’t see it through the dark shadows of his mind, but Pete coul
d nevertheless feel its leering smile. What’s the point? it asked rhetorically, You try to do good, but it only turns out bad.

  Pete let out the breath and forced a picture of himself into his mind. You deserve to find peace, love and happiness, he told himself.

  The Monster was quietened, but Pete could still feel its presence, prowling and waiting for him to stop resisting. He took in another breath and pictured Liz and Bobby. It took effort to get the words out, but Pete pressed on and forced the phrase into his mind, You deserve to find peace, love and happiness, he repeated firmly.

  This time, Pete felt the Monster stumble backward and he quickly drew in another breath to press his advantage. He tried thinking of a neutral person and then pictured the concierge at the resort, whom he felt only modest anger towards – after all, he was trying to be helpful in a difficult situation and doing his best. Pete let the breath out and felt the phrase enter his mind easily. The Monster fell back a little more into the shadows.

  Pete then gathered up his strength for a final push by quickly cycling through a pair of breaths. He could feel the Monster regathering its strength. Pete pictured the waiter at the restaurant whom he had a loathing towards and said to himself, You deserve to find peace, love…

  Pete stumbled.

  The Monster leapt forward. That’s right, you have no love, he thought he heard it growl.

  Pete felt himself begin to turn submissively away from the Monster as he started to spiral back down into despair. But then, he felt an unfamiliar, comforting presence and then from somewhere deep inside him, a picture of Bobby crying out for him came into his mind and Pete felt Bobby’s longing for him. He saw Liz and felt her horror at being left alone. Most of all he felt their lost love. The presence’s voice gently said, ‘Do not doubt their love for you. And, do not doubt Mine.’ Pete suddenly felt a love well up inside of him, which became so voluminous tears began to spill down his cheeks and his body quivered.

  He turned back and faced the Monster. ‘Not in that part of my life anymore,’ he said quietly but forcefully to himself while thinking of Liz and Bobby, and the Monster stumbled backward as if dealt a heavy blow and disappeared into the recesses of Pete’s mind.