Learning to Fly: A story about overcoming depression

by David E Forrester

  Pete admired his son’s big heart. ‘That’s a really nice and caring thing to say, Bobby, but Mummy knows you’re becoming a big boy and that you need to go to school to start learning lots of new things. I promise you, Mummy understands,’ Pete reassured him.

  ‘OK. But why do I have to go and learn lots of new things?’ Bobby asked.

  Pete looked out over Marina Bay and tried to push back some tears. ‘So that someday, you can be smarter than me.’

  There were a few seconds of quiet before Bobby asked, ‘Daddy, why are you sad?’

  Pete wiped his eyes and said, ‘I was just thinking about something that happened to me a little while ago.’

  ‘Do you know what I do when I feel sad?’ Bobby said.

  ‘No, what do you do?’ Pete asked with genuine curiosity.

  ‘I tell myself that you and Mummy and God love me no matter what,’ Bobby replied.

  Pete smiled as he thought back to his experience in Hoi An. While he no longer doubted God’s love for him and had asked Him for healing from his depression many times, he could still feel it there lurking and waiting for an opportunity to reassert itself; just behind the wall of antidepressants. Looking at Bobby, he felt a kindling of the strength he had felt back in Hoi An that had helped pushed back the Monster. He had no doubt about his son’s love for him and the love Liz and he shared.

  ‘Where did you learn that?’ Pete queried.

  ‘I just thought it up myself,’ Bobby said.

  ‘Well it looks like you’re already smarter than me,’ Pete said, only half joking.

  Bobby sat up and said, ‘So, does that mean I don’t have to go to school?’

  Pete chuckled and replied, ‘Nice try, but you still have to be smarter than Mummy, and she’s a lot smarter than both of us.’

  Robert laughed in agreement.

  Liz eyed her watch as she looked at Pete and Bobby coming in the door. ‘You two are a little late. What took you so long?’ she asked.

  ‘Daddy took me for satay!’ Bobby said excitedly and then ran over to give Liz a hug.

  ‘Bobby, what happened to that being our little secret?’ Pete said, shocked at how readily Bobby confessed.

  ‘Little Bobby doesn’t keep any secrets from Mummy,’ Liz cooed, hugging him. ‘Besides, I can see the turmeric stains on his face,’ she added, giving Pete a disapproving look.

  ‘He only had two sticks,’ Pete said in an attempt to deflect some of Liz’s disapproval.

  ‘Three, actually, Daddy,’ Bobby corrected, and Pete stood aghast at how Bobby was not helping him at all.

  ‘I hope you have room left in your stomach for a proper dinner,’ Liz said with a scowl.

  ‘I thought it would be nice if Bobby and I had a bit of a sit down over satay and talk about his first day at school. It’s not as if I took him for beers at a strip club,’ Pete offered in his defence.

  ‘What’s a strip club?’ Bobby asked.

  ‘I’ll tell you when you’re much older, Bobby,’ Pete replied.

  Liz looked at Bobby and asked, ‘So what did you and Daddy talk about?’

  ‘Daddy told me that I shouldn’t be shy and that people will like me because I’m a good friend. He also said that if anyone’s mean to me, I should ask Miss Miranda for help,’ Bobby answered.

  Liz was impressed by what she heard and the scowl on her face faded.

  ‘He also said that he likes Miss Miranda,’ Bobby added innocently.

  Pete shook his head, looked to the ceiling and said, ‘Heaven help me.’

  29

  First day of school

  ‘It’s time,’ Pete said impatiently, pointing to his watch.

  ‘OK, just a minute,’ Liz replied as she set up the camera.

  ‘We don’t really have a minute, but OK,’ Pete said, realising protests were useless.

  Liz and Pete crouched down either side of Bobby, who was standing proudly in his school uniform.

  Wati counted down in Bahasa, ‘OK, satu, dua, tiga…cheese,’ and took the picture.

  Liz quickly got up and ran over to check the photo. She started laughing loudly. ‘Hmmm, I think that we’ll have to take it again.’

  Pete rolled his eyes. ‘Why, what’s the matter?’

  Liz brought the camera over to Pete. ‘Notice anything?’ she queried, holding the camera up for Pete to see.

  Pete looked at the photo and replied, ‘What? Everyone’s smiling, and all of our eyes are open. It looks fine.’

  ‘Look again. And this time, look at the background,’ Liz instructed.

  Pete started laughing. ‘Yep, I think we have to take it again. And this time without the bucket in the background that looks like it’s under my butt and that I’m really happy to be taking a dump.’

  Wati joined in the laughter and Bobby asked, ‘What Daddy? Can I see?’

  Pete showed Bobby the picture. He giggled and said, ‘Daddy, you look like you’re about to do a poo in a kampong.’1

  Pete smiled and handed the camera back to Liz and then quickly moved the bucket out of shot.

  ‘OK, let’s get it right this time,’ Liz said, running back over to squat next to Bobby.

  ‘Satu, dua, tiga…cheese,’ Wati said and took another photo.

  Liz ran over and took a look. ‘Yep, perfect this time. Thanks, Wati,’ she said.

  ‘Finally, let’s get going. Everyone’s going to want to drop their kids off at school today. So, the traffic and parking’s going to be a nightmare,’ Pete said, holding open the door.

  ‘Don’t blame us, you’re the one that needed to stop and go to the bathroom,’ Liz said as she stepped past Pete.

  Pete was right, the traffic around the school was jammed. Even though they had arrived in the vicinity of the school twenty minutes early, they managed to find a park only a few minutes before class was due to start.

  Pete jumped out of the car. ‘I’ll get Bobby while you grab his bag.’

  Liz nodded, holding back tears.

  ‘OK, Bobby. Are you ready for your first day of school?’ Pete asked as he unbuckled Bobby from his child seat.

  Bobby smiled. ‘Yeah, I can’t wait to meet Miss Miranda and all my new friends.’

  ‘Awesome, buddy. Glad to hear it,’ Pete said, lifting Bobby out of the car.

  ‘OK, let’s put on your backpack, sweetie,’ Liz said as she helped Bobby shrug on his backpack. Seeing him in his backpack caused Liz to tear up. ‘I’m not ready, it’s too soon. I haven’t had a chance to say goodbye yet,’ she said, dabbing away tears with a tissue.

  Pete was glad he’d taken the day off and said, ‘It’s OK, Mummy, we can walk him to class and say our goodbyes there.’

  Liz nodded, afraid to talk for fear of starting a crying fit. She straightened herself and braced for the walk to Bobby’s classroom. Pete and Liz each grabbed one of Bobby’s hands and they all headed into the school.

  ‘OK, here we are…Racoons,’ Pete said, reading the name on the classroom door.

  Liz squatted down and gave Bobby a big hug that made him groan. ‘I love you Bobby,’ she said and then looked at him. ‘Now, you be a good boy, OK? Listen to Miss Miranda and when it’s time for a nap, have a sleep. It’ll make the day go faster and you’ll see Mummy sooner.’

  ‘But Mummy, what if I’m too busy playing to take a nap?’ Bobby asked.

  ‘Miss Miranda will make sure you have enough time for a nap and play. Besides, all the other children will be napping, so there’ll be no one to play with. And that wouldn’t be any fun, would it?’ Liz explained.

  ‘No, I guess not,’ Bobby said a little disappointed.

  Liz gave Bobby a kiss on the cheek and another hug. ‘I love you, Bobby. Daddy and I will meet you at the bus when you get home.’

  ‘I love you too, Mummy,’ Bobby replied once Liz had released him from her python-like grip.

  Pete squatted down to look Bobby in the eye and placed his hands on Bobby’s shoulders. ‘OK, Bobby, this is it. Now remember what we talked about
? If someone pinches you or teases you, it means they like you, not that they’re mad at you. So, just be extra nice to them and they’ll be nice right back. Got it?’ Pete suggested.

  Bobby nodded and replied confidently, ‘And then I’ll ask them if they want to come and play Lego with me.’

  ‘Sounds like a good plan, buddy. Good luck,’ Pete added, holding out his hand for Bobby to shake. Bobby ignored Pete’s hand and to his surprise wrapped him in a hug. ‘I love you, Daddy,’ Bobby said.

  Pete’s eyes welled with tears and he gave Bobby a big hug. ‘I love you too, Bobby,’ he replied. He stood back up and hurriedly wiped the tears away from his eyes.

  Miss Miranda came out of the classroom and Bobby turned around to face her. He had to tilt his head all the way back to look her in the eyes. ‘My name’s Bobby,’ Bobby said with his best smile.

  ‘Why hello, Bobby,’ Miss Miranda said. ‘Are you excited about your first day of school?’ she asked, squatting down to Bobby’s level.

  Bobby nodded.

  ‘Well before we can start, I’ll need you to wave goodbye to your Mummy and Daddy. Then you can come inside with me to unpack your snack box and water bottle and put your bag in your cubby. Can you do all of that with me, please?’ Miss Miranda asked.

  Bobby nodded again. He then turned to wave to Liz and Pete and said, ‘Bye Mummy, bye Daddy.’ And without hesitation, turned back and took Miss Miranda’s hand and headed into the classroom.

  Liz reached out to grab Pete’s hand in a tight grip, which helped them both hold back tears. ‘Want a coffee?’ Pete asked quickly.

  ‘Tiong Bharu Bakery?’ Liz suggested.

  ‘Yep. Let’s go.’

  So, despite not occupying a prime CBD location, the Tiong Bharu Bakery was very popular. Pete and Liz were met with a mix of the rich aroma of coffee and the sweet smell of pastries as they stepped into the cafe. It was not the place to meet a friend if you were on a diet or trying to give up coffee.

  ‘Told you, no one works in this country,’ Liz said as she was met by a queue long enough to nearly reach the door.

  Pete stepped calmly into the queue. ‘Well, good coffee and pastries are hard to come by in Singapore,’ he replied casually.

  Liz looked at Pete with surprise and said, ‘You hate queuing, especially for coffee.’

  ‘Hey, I can be patient.’

  Liz looked at him sceptically. ‘Since when? You’d normally be talking about going somewhere else by now or getting snarky with a waitress.’

  He nodded and said, ‘Well I guess I’m finally learning that good things take time. Like today with Bobby. You know, that was the first time he hugged me and said, “I love you”, without me saying it first.’

  Liz smiled and rubbed Pete’s shoulder. ‘Wow, that’s really special,’ she said sincerely.

  ‘Yeah, it feels good to be finally connecting with him.’ There was a short pause while they shuffled forward in the queue. Then Pete asked, ‘So do you have the empty nest syndrome?’

  Liz took a breath and then smiled, ‘A little. But knowing Bobby’s going to be coming home everyday and blabbing to me about what he learned at school is great compensation.’

  Pete smirked. ‘Yeah, I really look forward to that too.’

  ‘Besides, we’re going to refill the nest soon anyway,’ Liz said full of hope.

  ‘Yes we will,’ Pete said caressing Liz’s forearm.

  They shuffled a little further along in the queue and then Pete asked, ‘You know that photo we took with Bobby today?’

  ‘Yes, what about it?’ Liz replied.

  ‘Do I really look that old?’

  Liz bit her lower lip.

  ‘Ah, so I guess the answer is yes?’ Pete surmised.

  ‘No, I didn’t say that,’ Liz said defensively.

  ‘At least now you know how I feel when you ask me if you look fat in something,’ Pete remarked.

  ‘It’s not the same,’ Liz objected.

  ‘How isn’t it? You didn’t want to answer the question, right?’ Pete said.

  ‘OK then. You look your age,’ Liz said with satisfaction.

  ‘You know people say that when they don’t want to be insulting or complimentary.’

  Liz grimaced. ‘Sorry, it’s the best I could do.’

  ‘That’s hardly an apology, but I’ll take it anyway. So, thanks,’ Pete added sarcastically. He then nodded at Liz to move further forward in the queue.

  ‘Why are you suddenly so concerned about your age anyway?’ Liz queried.

  ‘The photo this morning shocked me a little. Seeing myself next to Bobby and then how old I looked. It kind of made me realise my…mortality,’ Pete said.

  ‘That’s a bit macabre don’t you think?’ Liz asked, concerned.

  ‘No, not like that,’ Pete reassured her. ‘What I mean is that the photo made me realise that I’ve aged and how time is getting away from me. So, I should hurry up and learn what life’s about. I think I’ve only just started learning.’

  ‘And what have you learnt so far?’ Liz asked curiously.

  ‘Only that I should be looking for more out of life, but I’m not even sure what that more is or where to find it,’ Pete answered.

  ‘Is church helping any?’ Liz inquired gently.

  ‘Sort of, and so’s therapy,’ Pete replied, lowering his voice a little. ‘But both are giving me more questions than answers right now. It’s as if I’ve got this whirlwind in my head and if I can just calm it down, I’ll be able to hear some answers.’

  ‘Well it’s a lot better than where you were a few months back, so I count that as progress,’ Liz said encouragingly.

  ‘Yes it is I guess,’ Pete replied.

  There was another pause as they shuffled further along in the queue. Then Liz asked a little hesitantly, ‘Pete I know we’ve talked about your condition before, but not what it’s really like for you. You seem more willing to talk about it now, so I’d really like to hear about it. I think it would help me better understand what you’re going through.’

  Pete took in a breath and let it out slowly as he looked off into the distance and pondered how to describe his depression. He then looked back at Liz and answered, ‘It’s like that feeling you get when you’re having a really bad day, but instead of being able to go to bed and start fresh the next day, the feeling stays with you and is always there. Sometimes, it won’t even let you sleep.’

  Liz took a breath to hold back the tears she felt building up and caressed Pete’s arm.

  ‘Hey, it’s getting better,’ Pete said reassuringly. ‘Therapy’s teaching me to manage things better, so the dips aren’t as deep and don’t last as long. So it’s like you said, I’m making progress.’

  Liz nodded and smiled. ‘I’m glad to hear it, because it sounds horrible.’ There was a short pause before Liz continued, ‘Wow, it’s all a bit heavy before we’ve had coffee.’

  ‘Yeah you’re right. Whatever will we talk about once we get it and sit down?’ Pete replied while looking at the head of the queue now just a few people away.

  ‘We have to plan Bobby’s birthday party, it’s only a few weeks away,’ Liz replied.

  ‘That sounds like fun. So, which is it? Dinosaurs or fire engines?’ Pete asked.

  ‘Neither. Marvel or DC are the choices these days. Bobby’s favourite is Batman. And I’m not talking about the spandex-wearing Adam-West Batman, but the Dark-Knight-Christian-Bale type. He thinks that Batman’s black costume and cape and dark broody voice are really cool. I have to keep prying his eyes away from those trailers they’re showing on the big screens along Orchard Road.’

  ‘Nice and light-hearted like his dad I see,’ Pete said sarcastically as they reached the front of the queue.

  30

  Painting a smile on your face

  Liz came into the bedroom carrying some clothes. ‘Hey, gloomy Gus. Time to get ready.’

  Even after meditating for half an hour, Pete still did not feel better and his bad mood per
sisted. He opened his eyes. ‘I really don’t feel like being smiley and sociable today,’ he groaned.

  ‘Well too bad, it’s your son’s sixth birthday party and he’s been looking forward to it for months. So, here you go,’ Liz said as she tossed a mossy green wig to Pete, which landed in his lap.

  Pete looked over at Liz puzzled. ‘What’s this?’

  ‘It’s your wig. And here’s the rest of your costume,’ Liz said, holding up a three-piece suit on a hanger. The jacket and pants were purple, the vest green and the shirt and matching tie purple-patterned. Liz gave Pete a wry smile and with her free hand tossed a clear plastic packet at him. Pete caught the packet in one hand and looked at it. It contained a maniacal face glaring up at him.

  ‘That’s the face paint. The directions on how to apply it are in the packet,’ Liz explained.

  The penny suddenly dropped. ‘You’re kidding, right?’ Pete asked, incredulous.

  ‘Pete, you agreed to dress in costume,’ Liz admonished. ‘And I thought that this would be appropriate.’

  ‘What, the Joker? The lunatic with a permanently deranged smile on his face? You’ve got a black sense of humour, you know that?’

  Liz chuckled. ‘Well I didn’t mean it that way initially. But, given your mood today, it seems a good fit. Besides, Bobby and most of his friends are coming as Batman and so their arch nemesis is the Joker,’ Liz said as she draped the suit over the bed. Her smile broadened and she added, ‘Besides, I need a villain for the kids to throw water balloons at.’

  ‘What?!’ Pete said, jerking upright.

  ‘Pete, you agreed to help with the party and apart from setting up some tables and chairs this morning with bad grace, you’ve done squat. So now it’s time to buck up and take one for the team,’ Liz said.

  Pete looked at the makeup kit again and then back at Liz. He smiled grudgingly as he remembered one of the things that he most loved about Liz: her uncanny ability to deliver payback in a humorous and fitting manner. ‘OK, I guess the joke is on the Joker then,’ Pete said with a nod of respect towards Liz.