Help! I'm Trapped at Witch School

by Em Lynas

  She crosses her eyes and aims her spoon at the wall. She flicks it. Suddenly, there’s a grumble. It’s a big one. A grinding, shrieking, stone on stone, earwincing body-shuddering, massive grumble.

  I look up at the dust falling from the edges of the ceiling, where it meets the walls.

  “What just happened?” says Shalini.

  “The ceiling moved, Shalini! The ceiling ac-chew-ally moved! And I don’t think it moved UP.” I grab Dominique’s arm. “What have you done?”

  “I have taken the first step towards winning the trial,” she says, without uncrossing her eyes. She pulls her arm away and flicks her spoon again. There’s another grumble. The room shakes. The dust falls and this time we’re both certain.

  “The ceiling is definitely moving down!” says Shalini.

  “Dominique, you must stop doing what you’re doing,” I say. Persuasion does not work on her either. She is not persuaded.

  She still has her eyes crossed. It is not a good look on her. On anybody. She flicks another flick and the ceiling drops another drop.

  I try bribery. “Dominique, I will give you the biggest chocolate cake in the world if you STOP!”

  “Twink,” says Shalini. “Look.” She has her eyes crossed too. “Look at the walls.”

  I give in and join in with the cross-eyed look. My vision shifts. I see the atoms. I see the layers. I see something behind the first layer of white. The wall is covered in locks and keys. Big, small, fat, thin. Some with lots of spokes, some with only one or two. One of the keys is moving, sliding across the wall to a lock. It’s a big brass lock and a big brass key.

  It fits. There’s a click. There’s a grumble and I see a shower of glittering dust atoms fall down. I feel the dust on my face.

  I whisper to Shalini, “Maybe Dominique’s right. Maybe we have to unlock all of them to get out.”

  “I’m not sure that’s the answer,” she whispers back. “Look how many locks there are. There’s hundreds. Even if the ceiling only drops one inch per lock we’ll be squashed before we’ve matched them all.”

  Dominique is sliding another key to another lock. It fits. It clicks.

  There’s another grating grumble from above. Louder, shriekier. Even more dust falls on my head and the dust atoms are flying about like dust motes in the sunshine.

  I have an idea. I shall prove Dominique is wrong.

  I choose a key. It’s small and silver, like a jewellery box key. I find the lock. I slide the key. It fits. There’s a click. The dust atoms fly. The ceiling grates a grumble. I uncross my eyes. The ceiling is about to touch Dominique’s hat!

  “Dominique. You are making a mistake. I’ve just matched a key too. But the golem said there can be only one winner.”

  There’s a flicker of a Frown of Uncertainty on her face. It disappears. “Your thinking is flawed,” she says. “The winner is obviously the person who matches the most keys. It is the only sensible conclusion.”

  Shalini has uncrossed her eyes too. “Maybe there’s a special key and lock. Whoever matches those is the winner?”

  “You are mistaken. The winner is the person who unlocks most locks,” says Dominique. “That person will be I,” she adds. She flicks. The ceiling drops. The tip of her hat is squished. She doesn’t notice.

  I cross my eyes again. This is making me dizzy. The ceiling has touched the top of the highest lock, a large brass and copper lock that would fit perfectly on the heavy Toadspit front door.

  Dominique tsks in annoyance. Tsk. I wonder if she’s just felt the ceiling touch her head. She slides a matching key to the brass and copper lock. There’s a click. It unlocks.

  “She’s wrong,” whispers Shalini. “And it can’t just be – unlock all the locks and accidentally open the right one. That’s too random.”

  “I agree. We’re missing something,” I say. I scan the walls. Keys and locks. Locks and keys. There isn’t anything else.

  There’s another grumble. I feel the ceiling touch my hat! “Dominique, STOP UNLOCKING THE LOCKS!” I shout. “You’re going to crush us!”

  “The winner is the person who unlocks the most,” she repeats. She is so stubborn! “You just want I to stop because you are losing.” Another key slides. She’s getting faster now that there are fewer to match on that wall.

  I check out the wall on the left. Then … I see something that does not match.

  “Look!” I whisper to Shalini. “There’s a tiny golden key on the left wall and it does NOT have a matching lock. It’s halfway up. Above the lock to the right of the huge iron padlock. Do you see it? Why doesn’t that key have a lock?”

  Shalini spots it. “Maybe the lock is on another wall,” she whispers.

  We scan the other walls. I don’t see it. The ceiling continues to drop. My head is bent sideways. I get on my knees and yell, “Dominique! STOP UNLOCKING THE LOCKS!”

  “Every other lock has a key,” whispers Shalini. She’s on her knees too. Our heads are together. “So it has to be here somewhere. But it’s not on the walls.”

  I have an idea of genius! “Then, if it isn’t on the walls it has to be—”

  “In the door!” says Shalini.

  We’re right. There’s a tiny golden keyhole at the bottom of the white door. It’s hard to see because it’s so small.

  “We’ve found the key and the lock that will get us out!” says Shalini. She’s so excited. She forgets to whisper.

  Dominique tsks. Tsk. “You are wrong,” she insists. “The winner will be I.”

  She slots another key over another lock. There’s a click and the ceiling drops again. I uncross my eyes and duck even though I am already on my knees. I can’t help it. She is determined to squash us!

  I sit on my bottom with my legs straight out. “Will you STOP DOING THAT!” The ceiling squishes the top of Dominique’s hat again. She’s kneeling down now, like us. “You’re wrong. We have the answer.”

  “I am not wrong,” says Dominique. “I am never wrong.” She flicks another lock.

  “I give up,” I whisper to Shalini. “We have to get that key into that lock before Dominique crushes us.”

  “And before the key is covered over by the ceiling,” says Shalini as another grumble rumbles. Dominique squirms round on to her bottom.

  “But only one of us can do it,” says Shalini. “And I think it has to be you. Someone has to stop the golem and maybe it needs to be a Toadspit.”

  Oh dungpats. Why does it always have to be me?

  I try to slide the key. It won’t move.

  “It won’t move,” I say to Shalini. She tries. She fails.

  “It’s different to the other keys,” she whispers. “So maybe you have to do something different. Not slide it.”

  She’s right, the key does look different to the others. It’s shiny as if there’s a film over it. Like a piece of see-through sticky tape. Like the gushing hex? Maybe I have to pull the sticky tape off? In my zen space, I imagine peeling away a corner. It lifts. I tug off the rest. The key drops to the floor with a clink. It bounces towards Dominique.

  Dominique’s eyes fly open. She spots the key. She grabs the key. She keeps the key.

  “Dominique, that’s Twink’s key,” says Shalini. She holds her hand out for it.

  “The key came to I,” says Dominique. She’s sitting on her bottom, cross-legged. Her hat is totally squashed and the ceiling is on her head. Her back is straight. It looks like she is holding the ceiling up. Like a Dominique pillar.

  “It just bounced,” I say.

  “It bounced to the Best and Brightest because only the Best and Brightest must win the charm,” she says.

  “How can you be the Best and Brightest?” I say. “You’re willing to squish us to be right!”

  The floor judders. There’s a grumble from underneath us.

  Shalini gasps. “Uh-oh! Did the floor move? I think the floor moved! Why did the floor move?”

  I have no answer to the word “why”. But I agree, it did move. It
did not move down, away from the ceiling. It moved UP! If we don’t get the key in the lock straight away the lock will be covered up by the rising floor.

  Dominique bends her neck and shuffles on her bottom over to the door.

  She crosses her eyes. So do I. I see her stabbing the key into the lock. It won’t go in. The floor judders. She tries again. The floor judders again and I lie on my tummy.

  “STOP IT!” I shout at Dominique. “You are so determined to win you’re going to kill us!” I drag her back by her arm but she keeps stabbing the lock.

  “Dominique!” Shalini shouts. “STOP IT!”

  She grabs the key out of Dominique’s fingers and slides it to me across the floor.

  “Give that back to I,” shouts Dominique. “The Best and Brightest charm belongs to I!” She tries to climb over Shalini but Shalini rolls over so she’s on top and she pins Dominique’s arms to the floor.

  “Do it, Twink!” she shouts.

  I cross my eyes. There’s the lock. I push the key in. It doesn’t work! The floor judders again. It’s a finger away from the bottom of the lock.

  “Don’t do what Dominique did,” says Shalini. She’s struggling to keep Dominique pinned. “Do something different.”

  “What?”

  “I don’t know. Think, Twink.”

  I have an idea. I leave the key on the floor. I aim my spoon. I see the key in my zen. I picture it sliding across the floor, I picture it sliding up the door, I picture it turning, fitting in the lock. Click. The door swings open.

  I am successful!

  The floor underneath me tilts and I tumble out, through the door, into a room of gloom. I drop my spoon. It slides across the floor towards the shadowy shape of a GIANT GOLEM in the corner.

  “Hurrah!” I yell. “We’re out, Shalini!”

  I turn around.

  The door slams shut as Shalini screams, “Twinkle!”

  Summary:

  I have escaped but Shalini and Dominique are LIVING IN THE LAND OF ABOUT TO BE SQUISHED FLAT!

  Clump’s voice dooms into the gloom, “YOU ARE THE WINNER.”

  Suddenly I am surrounded by a brightness that is almost blinding. The golem’s in the corner next to another white door. He’s ENORMOUS. Twice my height. Much taller than Ms Thorn. Much wider than Ms Lobelia. His head is almost touching the ceiling.

  The light bounces off seven mirrors on the wall. There’s a lever under each. Five levers are pointing up, two are pointing down. The mirrors flash. I see Jess!

  She’s alive! She’s still sitting on top of Arwen’s bubble but the swirling icy mist has almost covered it and I can’t see Arwen. Jess has turned her spoon into a duvet and she is completely wrapped up apart from her nose and eyes. Her nose is blue. Her eyes are watering.

  The second mirror shows Shalini and Dominique, lying flat on their stomachs. They’re arguing. Shalini is pointing at the floor. They’re shaking. I think the floor is still rising! Shalini turns her spoon into a thick iron bar to prop up the ceiling. Dominique copies.

  Oh dungpats! Jess is about to be frozen and Shalini is about to be squished and I’m the only one who can save them!

  “YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY EARNED THE BEST AND BRIGHTEST CHARM,” dooms Clump.

  “I don’t care!” I shout.

  My bracelet jingles and I have a golden B&B charm in between the witchwood charm and Scary’s charm but I ignore that and dash across the room. I have to lift those levers! I have to release my friends! And Dominique and Arwen.

  I reach the first lever but before I can release Shalini I am lifted off my feet by Clump. He’s holding me under the armpits. He holds me out in front of him with his arms straight.

  “THE WINNER MUST WAIT FOR MARIETTA TOADSPIT.”

  Oh dungpats! He can’t mean that! I struggle but he holds me tighter.

  “THE WINNER MUST WAIT FOR MARIETTA TOADSPIT.”

  “But she’s DEAD!”

  “THE WINNER MUST WAIT FOR MARIETTA TOADSPIT.”

  “But she’s DECEASED!”

  “THE WINNER MUST WAIT FOR MARIETTA TOADSPIT.”

  “But she is NOT ALIVE!”

  Clump is a lump of VERY ANNOYING clay! I reach behind me, over my head, trying to grab the paper out of his mouth. My arms are too short. I twist but his hold on my armpits is too tight.

  Oh dungpats! What am I going to do? I need help. Now. I bash his fists but they’re solid. My bracelet jingles as I struggle and I have an AHA! moment as I spot Bruce’s tiny spider charm.

  “AHA! Prepare to be defeated, Clump! I am Twinkle Toadspit, Queen of the Toadspit Terrors!”

  I unhook Bruce’s charm, expecting it to whizz into a big scary Bruce who will destroy the golem and SAVE THE DAY! It doesn’t. It turns into a tiny spider that scuttles away from me, across the floor and under the door.

  Oh great! That wasn’t any help at all! Now everyone is going to die and I am full of STRESS because I can’t save my friends and I can’t even save me, which is EVEN MORE STRESSFUL!

  My thumb twitches a tiny twitch and I have another AHA! moment that possibly leads into another idea of genius.

  I think of even more stressful things like I WILL NEVER PERFORM MY BOTTOM and I WILL NEVER BE DAME TWINKLE TOADSPIT or DAME DAISY WART, if I keep my stage name, and then I think the most stressful thing of all. I WILL NEVER SEE GRANNY AGAIN!

  My thumb fizzes and it sprouts. I don’t stop it. I need more stress! I look at the mirrors.

  Jess is now standing on Arwen’s bubble, still wrapped in the duvet. She’s shouting help but I can’t hear her. She wobbles. If she falls she’ll be as frozen as a Jess-shaped ice lolly!

  I feel my stress level rising. My heart beats faster. My skin is hot. I am shaking. There’s a much bigger twitching under my thumbnail. A shoot appears. And another. It’s working! I look in the second mirror.

  Shalini’s prop’s been squished like a squished balloon that’s about to burst. So has Dominique’s. They’re both lying face down with the ceiling touching their bottoms! One more ceiling drop and there will be squashing!

  My thumb is going crazy. It’s sprouting shoots and twigs and buds and it’s speeding up! I have to control it or my plan is doomed and I’ll just be trapped in a room full of tree until I enter the LAND OF DEATH.

  I cross my eyes and look in my zen. I see my thumb, the witchwood, me and the golem. I see the paper in his mouth. I twist and turn the witchwood until it reaches the paper. I am hoping this is actually happening and I am not just picturing it in my mind. The witchwood twists the paper out of Clump’s mouth. The green lights go out in Clump’s eyes.

  Clump releases me and I drop to the floor. I open my eyes and turn around. He is nothing but a lump of motionless clay! Success!

  I race over to the levers, dragging my witchwood with me because there is NO TIME to shrink it. I lift Shalini’s lever. I lift Jess’s lever.

  There’s a horrendously huge GRUMBLE that shakes the room, my knees and my tummy. The grating sets my teeth on edge, worse than the time I ate a lemon to practise acting a look of disapproval.

  The GRUMBLE turns to GRUMBLING as the ceiling rises in Shalini’s room and the floor drops. The door swings opens and Shalini and Dominique scrabble out, pulling their bent props behind them.

  “Twink!” gasps Shalini. “You saved us!”

  “You have no proof of that,” says Dominique. “You are guessing.”

  The mist in Jess’s room drops as if something is sucking out the air from the room and I hope it’s not all of the air that’s been sucked out or Jess could die of lack of breathing before the door opens!

  Arwen’s bubble appears out of the mist. She’s huddled in the bottom. Jess slides off, still wrapped in the duvet. She walks over to the door and waits for it to open. She’s doing a look from The Book of Completely Cross and Furious. Her door opens back into the choosing room.

  Now for me. I cross my eyes and say, “Witchwood thumb, please hear my plea, I don’t want to be a tree. Shrink and shrivel
, waste away, be the thumb of yesterday!”

  Pins and needles whoosh through my hand and prickle up my arm. It doesn’t hurt as much this time and it’s faster. I am definitely the boss of the witchwood DNA.

  Everything is going to be all right. At last! My life is a Mountain of Optimism and I am at the top doing a Dance of Happiness because I am one step nearer to getting out of the East Wing and another step nearer to my very important bonding and my very important rehearsal and my very important performance.

  “Come on,” I say to Shalini. I ignore Dominique. “Let’s get out of here.” I try the white door behind the motionless golem. It opens easily with just a push. It leads back to the choosing room. Jess is there with Arwen.

  “TWINK! SHALINI! YOU’RE ALIVE!” squeals Jess.

  It’s hug time. Tears time. A time for relief and laughter and jumping round in a circle. Which is exactly what we do. Dominique and Arwen watch. They do not hug. Although I think Arwen wants to.

  Jess sees my bracelet. She grabs it and lifts my wrist up. She inspects my charms. “Oh, wow! Twink! It’s official! You are the Best and Brightest!”

  The B&B charm is all shiny and new and … mine.

  “Only because Shalini is a genius,” I say. “She should have one too. And you.”

  Dominique is beyond cross. She’s smouldering. I save her look in my zen space. I call it The Look Of Absolute Fury.

  My stomach rumbles. It has to be almost lunch time! Almost time to leave for the rehearsal. I have to run. I have to get back to the North Wing. I have to show Ms Thorn that I have the Best and Brightest charm. Surely that will bring a smile to her face!

  I run over to the golden door. It swings open. I am facing a wall of granite.

  Oh dungpats!

  I forgot about the ceiling falling down!

  Summary:

  This school is against me and I am DOOMED!

  Suddenly, the stones shift. They slide and tumble into the room. We jump back. Something’s pushing them from behind. Something’s coming and it sounds big!