Breathe

by N. M. Catalano

I don't move. I want to, but I can't. I want to move because I want to run away. I don't want to put my books down. The man is still looking at me. I don't want him to look at me. I don't want any of them to look at me. If I put my books down, then they can look at me more. They're GROSS.

  "You lazy girl, didn't you hear him?! Put those damn books down. Are you stupid?!" Phil yells at me.

  He always yells at me. But he's started asking me about boys, if the boys have started to touch me. I hate it when he talks to me and asks me those questions. He does it when he's drunk and my mama's at work when we're alone in the house. Like now. He stinks. He smells like cigarettes and beer. I don't know why mama likes him. He's so disgusting.

  "Phil, don't speak to her like that," the important bad man stands up. He's trying to pretend he's nice, but he's not. He doesn't sound nice, even though his words are. He's a liar. Just like Phil. "You're going to frighten her." He's walking towards me. I take a step back. "Now, now, Raven. Your name is Raven, correct?" He smiles at me, but it's a fake smile. He even looks mean when he smiles. I nod because I always do what I'm supposed to do, and I'm supposed to respect adults, that's what mama told me. He smiles that fake smile again. I don't smile back at him because I only have real smiles. But I never smile at home anymore, only when I'm with Joey. "Such a pretty name for such a pretty girl. Phil, why don't you get Raven some ice cream, or a soda. Would you like that, Raven? After a long day at school?" He's standing right in front of me now, so close I can smell him. I don't like the way he smells, kind of old and stale and too sweet. "Go and get her something special, because this is a special meeting. She's meeting her new best friend. You and me are going to be very special friends, Raven, and to show you how much I want to be your special friend, I'm going to bring you gifts. Go on, Phil, get her a treat, and lock the doors when you do."

  My heart is pounding. I don't want a treat and I don't want to be friends with him or Phil. But mama would be mad at me if I disrespected an adult. So I have to do what he says. He’s Phil's friend and he’s in our house, so mama must be his friend too.

  Phil laughs when he gets up from the couch. "You're going to be real good friends."

  My body shakes really hard like I just got a bad chill.

  "Take her books with you. I want her to be comfortable," the important man tells Phil.

  Stopping in front of me, Phil grabs my books. I don't let go. I'm afraid. I know I'm afraid because I'm feeling just like I did when those older boys trapped me in the alley. Joey came running in and started yelling at them, something about his father and that he would make them pay if they hurt me. Those boys left. But Joey's not here and I know he's not coming.

  I don't think this man would care about Joey's father.

  "Stupid little bitch, give me those books!" Phil yanks on the books clutched tightly in my arms against my chest.

  "Phil. I'm not going to tell you again about how you speak to her," the important man tells him. He's not speaking loud, but somehow it's even scarier than when Phil yells.

  Phil's lips pucker like he's just tasted something sour. "Give me the books, Raven. It's okay, we just want you to be comfortable. I'm going to get you a treat."

  Phil's never spoken to me nicely and he’s never given me anything before, especially not a treat. He must be afraid of this man too.

  Good. I want Phil to be afraid.

  "Give them to him, girl." The important man takes a seat again in the recliner and leans back, his forearms resting on the armrests. He speaks quietly but it's even more frightening than I think it would be if he yelled.

  If I don't listen, I know I'll make him angry. And maybe mama too. I loosen my grip on the books and Phil yanks them out of my arms. He stomps off to the kitchen leaving me standing in the middle of the living room alone with this man.

  The important man in the suit is staring at me. He’s not talking, he’s not moving. He's just looking at me. Not into my eyes, but at my face, at my body in the old dress, at my bare legs, all the way down to my ugly shoes.

  He unbuttons his jacket and pushes the sides open, then loosens his tie. I don't move as I watch him stare at me. "Your shoes are much too small for you, girl. I know they must hurt your feet. Take them off. I'll send over a new pair for you, five pairs, a different pair to wear to school every day.” I don’t move. “Do it, girl, I want you comfortable."

  I don't know why it doesn't sound like a nice thing when he says he wants to give me gifts, but it doesn't. It confuses me.

  Slowly, I toe off first one shoe, then the other, then push them to the side with a foot so no one trips over them. I'm supposed to leave them at the door, or take them up to my room. But I don't think I'm supposed to move. So I don't.

  "How old are you, Raven?" he asks me, his eyes fixed on my body.

  I utter my first word to him. "Thirteen."

  "Really, I thought you were at least sixteen. You're a beautiful young lady. Do You paint your toenails?”

  My heart feels like it wants to jump out of my chest. I'm shivering like it's freezing in this room, but I'm sweating.

  "No sir," I reply because I'm supposed to. "My mama doesn't let me use nail polish yet. She says I'm too young still." I don't know if he can hear me. I can't hear myself through the noises in my head, the thumping and whooshing.

  “Show me. Remove your socks,” the man in the suit commands me.

  I don’t want to do it. But I do, because I do what I’m told.

  Sticking a big toe into one sock, I work it down over my foot until it’s off. Then I do the other one the same way. When they’re both off, I nudge them to the side to sit with my ugly shoes. His eyes haven’t left me, they watched me wiggle and almost stumble because I didn’t want to bend down to take off my stained socks.

  "Your mama raised you right, Raven," the important man is speaking again. "You respect adults and have very good manners. I like that. A lot."

  I hate you, I don't care what you like. As soon as I think this, I stop myself. He’s talking about my mama like he knows her. He MUST be her friend.

  "What else has she told you?" he's asking me.

  I try to take a breath but it comes out shaky. I do it again because I don't feel like I've got enough air in my lungs to make a full sentence. "She told me to do good in school so I can make something of myself." Whatever that means.

  “Such a good girl,” he murmurs as he stands. I suck in a breath because he frightened me. He’d been sitting so still as he stared at me, I didn’t expect him to move. He walks toward my frozen body. “You’re very pretty, do you know that?”

  My gaze shoots to look at my feet. I dig my toes into the old carpet. I don’t think I’m pretty but I don’t want to lie. Mama told me not to lie. I never lie.

  He’s right in front of me now, so close I could touch him if I lifted my hand.

  “Look at me, Raven,” his voice is very quiet, but it doesn’t sound nice like when mama speaks to me quietly. It makes me feel nervous. But I do what he tells me. I look up into his face. He looks old, but not old like Phil. Different. Clean. His hair is cut and combed and in place. His clothes are new and there isn’t even one stain on them. “You’re very pretty, but you don’t feel pretty, do you?” He stares into my eyes and I want to look away but I don’t. I don’t like the way he makes me look right back at him. “Answer me.” I jump because I forgot he asked me a question. I shake my head no because I don’t lie. “I’m going to make you feel pretty. You’re going to be the prettiest girl at school. Because of me.” I shiver again. Nice words again but they don’t feel nice. He lifts his hands and places them on my shoulders. My body freezes. They’re big and they’re hot. “You don’t feel pretty because of this dress. It’s ugly, and it makes you feel ugly. I’m going to send a dress for every day of the week, just like the new shoes. Because I’m your special friend now. All the girls at school will be jealous of you.” He turns me with his hands on my shoulders. My own hands shoot up to cover my chest. I wish I had my book
s still. He runs his hands down my arms. I ball my fists. He takes both of them in his big, hot hands. “Friends don’t let friends feel bad about themselves. We take care of each other. I’m going to take care of you, Raven,” he lowers my hands down to my sides and straightens my arms. “We’re going to take care of each other.” He tucks my hair over one of my shoulders. “First thing I’m going to do to take care of you is get rid of this horrible dress. Today you will have a new one. Never again will you feel ugly because of ugly clothes. I promise you I will be the best friend you will ever have.”

  Slowly he slides the zipper down my back. My teeth are chattering because I’m shaking so hard. I step away from him, shaking my head side to side. “No.”

  He’s right behind me again, this time his front is touching my back. Something hard in his pocket is pressing against my back. “Hush, girl. Don’t be frightened. I’m going to take care of you. Somebody has to. Phil certainly isn’t doing it.” He lowers his mouth to my ear. I can feel his breath on my face and his scratchy whiskers on my cheek. “I’m going to tell you a secret. Are you listening?” His big hands are gripping my upper arms firmly. It doesn’t hurt, but he’s holding me still. I nod my head once. I don’t want to make him angry. “Such a good girl,” he whispers. “The secret is I know Phil is bad to you. I know how bad he is to your mama. He never will be again. I know that you’re scared of him. I know that you’re scared for your mama. As long as I’m your special friend, I’ll protect you from him and all the other boys who frighten you and chase you and threaten you. No one will ever bother you again. He will never hurt your mama again, I promise. Because I’m your special friend. You will be safe. I will take care of you, Raven, and your mama. We will take care of each other.”

  I listen to him very carefully. Every single word he says. His promises are good promises. They should make me feel better. But they don’t. They make me feel even more confused.

  His face is still next to mine; his hands are still holding me. My heart wants to beat a hole out of my chest.

  “Do you believe me, Raven?” he asks, his words are practically a whisper.

  I nod my head yes because I do believe him. Because he told Phil to get me a treat, he told him to go do it now, and Phil listened, even when he told him to be nice to me.

  “How’s it going?” It’s Phil.

  I jump.

  “Ssshhh, Raven,” the man in the suit whispers to me, his face still next to mine. “I’ll make him go away.”

  I don’t move, I don’t say anything, I stand frozen in his grip.

  I feel him turn his face to the side. “We’re fine. Leave Raven’s treat on the table. Do you like this show?” he turns back to me and asks me quietly. I nod once because I don’t lie. “Turn up the television, then leave us alone. Don’t come back until I call you.”

  Phil listens to him and does everything the man tells him.

  The people on the television are so loud, I can’t hear Phil’s boots on the old wooden floor in the hallway as he walks out of the room.

  “Such a wonderful girl,” the man whispers as he places a kiss on my cheek.

  I squeeze my eyes shut but don’t move.

  He straightens again. “Your mama’s going to be so proud of you. She’s going to be so happy about how we’re taking care of each other.” His hands find my zipper again. He slides it all the way down. “She’s going to love all of the beautiful clothes I’m going to give you. She’s going to be so happy because you’re not going to feel ugly in them.” He slips the dress down over my arms until it falls on the floor. “She’s going to be safe. You’re never going to be frightened of Phil again.” I squeeze my eyes again. This time tears fall down my cheeks. But still I don’t say anything. Because he’s mama’s friend and he’s going to protect us against Phil. He’s going to take care of us.

  Because he says we’re going to take care of each other.

  “Such horrible clothes. Never again, Raven. Only the best for my special friend. Raise your arms. We need to get rid of these ugly things.”

  I do.

  I listen because I always do. Because he’s mama’s friend. He’s going to stop Phil from hitting her. He’s going to take care of her and me. I listen when tells me to stand still as he tugs down my ripped panties that are too big. I listen when he tells me to sit on his lap. I listen when he hurts me when he stabs me with his…he told me to call it his cock, he made me touch it, he says he’s sorry and promises it won’t hurt next time. He doesn’t even get mad at me when I cry and scream when he stabs me with it again and again. He says special friends don’t get mad at special friends. He said I am his good girl now, and his cock was for me. The Price Is Right is playing so loud in the background, the contestants screaming and laughing when he kisses me, his tongue is big and wet and so gross.

  When the new clothes arrive later, I’m in bed, right where I’ve been since the man in the suit put me before he left. He kissed me on the forehead and tucked me in.

  I don’t get out of bed to look at them. I don’t get out of bed all night.

  THREE YEARS LATER

  When you own the streets, nothing scares you. For two years I’ve been staking a claim on the streets, I’ve lived here, bled here, fought here. I’ve become what I am here, evolved from the wreckage I was when I arrived. I stopped being scared two years ago. I stopped feeling three years ago, the first night I was stabbed. I was killed that day in my living room with my special friend. What’s left is hate, fury, and revenge. This is my home, the streets, and I own it. The place where I’ve perfected my craft.

  When I turn the corner at the entrance of the alley where I’m meeting Joey, I hear him shout, “Happy sixteenth birthday. Are you ready for your present?”

  I grin. It might be the first real smile I’ve had since I got my last present, the one on my fourteenth birthday. The last time I was with my special friend. The last time he was with his special friend. That was the night I gave him a present. After I plunged the knife in his throat. I cut off his cock and gave it back to him, told him I didn’t want it anymore. Right in his mouth.

  Today, not only am I giving myself a gift, but my mother as well. The woman who was supposed to take care of me, but had boyfriends like Phil and friends like the man in the suit instead. She won’t have to worry about Phil hitting her anymore. He almost killed her once. Shame. It probably would have put her out of her misery.

  Not my problem.

  “Yeah,” I tell him. “You just watch out for anyone.”

  This isn’t Joey’s business. It’s all mine. I want the satisfaction of doing this.

  I’ve been watching Phil for two long years since I left. Watching him suffer because he no longer had a bargaining chip to pay off his debts. I relished every agony he endured. It was never enough.

  It’s time for a final reunion with Phil.

  Tonight Phil’s going to pay his last and biggest debt.

  CHAPTER 21

  Snake

  Prez knows something about Raven. Something big. Something that scares the shit out of her.

  My hellion was a bad-ass back there. She looked right into that evil son-of-a-bitches eye and didn’t back down. I was so proud of her when she got in that fuckers face, Deuce, and made it known to everyone one in that room what a pussy he is. She wasn’t afraid of anything, owned every goddamn thing proudly.

  Until Prez pulled out his wild card. The one thing that appears to be Raven’s weakness.

  I need to know what that is and if it has any power over her. The way he casually, but meticulously, threw it out tells me he feels it’s something that’s going to put a chokehold on her. The president of the Steel Brothers wouldn’t be as powerful as he is if he didn’t have an arsenal of very strong and incriminating information. Who knows what shit he’s got in his evil storage file he calls a brain.

  The entire way back to our room, she hardly said a word. I’m not going to push her. Not yet. Not until we’re behind closed doors.

/>   I knew what I was getting myself into when her whole shit-storm unraveled in front of us. We all knew the baggage she brought with her when we agreed to bring her into our world, at least the Steel Brothers part of it. I’m confident I can get her through that. This blast from the past might be his leverage over her. This might be the one trick he’s going to use to make things ugly. She’s going to tell me what he knows. There’s no time to be Mr. Nice Guy, not with the bad guys all over the fucking place. We know who hers are. It’s ours I’m more concerned with.

  She’s the one who might have been given the short end of the stick.

  Maybe I should have given her full disclosure before dragging her to our room. Maybe I should have informed her that once she agreed to be under our protection, she was also making herself a target. Maybe the right thing would have been taking the fucking counterfeiting plates from her and just returned them. Nip that shit in the bud, then stay focused on our own problems.

  But I didn’t do any of that. Because I’m a selfish prick.

  A prick who’s tired of people who mean something to him suffering.

  If I’m going out, I’m not going out unless all of these mother fuckers who are out to get us are gone. That means everyone. Even Raven.

  Whoever this Phil and Sarcucci are, they’re a significant part of Raven’s life. She’s going to tell me who they are and she’s going to tell me now.

  “How’d it go?” Rock questions me the instant we walk into the suite.

  Raven doesn’t say anything as she goes directly to our bedroom.

  “He said he’s not killing her today,” I reply flippantly.

  The fucking arrogant president.

  Rock tips his head to the side. “That’s good news.”

  Asshole.

  “How’s Raven?” Summer asks from where she’s reclining on the couch. Concern etches her face.

  She’s really got some kind of attachment to Raven. I have no idea where it came from. It could be one ravaged soul recognizes another. Lord knows Summer’s been through hell. I have a strong feeling Raven has as well. Something very extreme created the Queen Of Hell. Her brand of fierceness is not bred from sugar and spice and everything nice.