Audition Arsenal for Women in their 20's

by Janet B Milstein

  Cutting Remarks

  By Barbara Lhota and Ira Brodsky

  Candie: twenty-six years old, a teacher

  Comic

  Dana and Candie are strangers who happen to strike up a conversation at a hair salon. Candie is a grumpy kindergarten teacher who is incensed when people say that kindergarten teachers have easy jobs.

  CANDIE: I knew it! I knew that was coming. I saw it a mile away. That’s the jab. Whenever a teacher complains about the least little thing, everyone always says, “Hey, don’t complain. You get summers off.” It wouldn’t matter what I said. If I said, “But the administration makes me rip out staples with my fingernails and they force me to work with kindergartners without a teacher’s assistant, which is required by state regulations. And the principal whips me and makes me work nights, ties me to the desk and uses my soul as a welcome mat, and forces me to sing show tunes and hit tambourines and other annoying instruments with my little people for forty-eight hours without a lunch break, without heat or flushing toilets or pencils!” People would still say, “Yeah, but you get summers off!”

  Gentrification

  By Linda Eisenstein

  Mo (Maureen): twenties, a tough exterior covering hurt

  Seriocomic

  Mo’s brother Jordan is visiting Mo and her partner Karin, staying overnight in their new fixer-upper house. After suffering through a loud night of boisterous neighbors, Jordan has been tweaking her about her “dangerous” urban neighborhood. When he’s out of the room, Mo explodes to Karin.

  MO: (To her girlfriend.) I hate that shit. Being stereotyped and patronized. From my little brother, it’s downright intolerable. If he’s so concerned, he can take his suburban candy-ass back to Claremont. Where never is heard a discouraging word. And the faces are white and the despair is more genteel. No screaming in the night for us, thank you, we’ll just gulp our pills and pretend it’s all OK. At least here, when a woman gets beat on, she screams “you motherfucker” and hits back, instead of trying to hide it from the neighbors. I don’t want him carrying horror stories back to Mom. It’s tough enough already. She doesn’t want to come here herself, so she sent him. He’s her fifth column. Why can’t she just come here, eat your casserole, pretend to like you, go home, and dish you behind your back like she would if you were her son-in-law? (Sigh.) Damn it. The weekend was going so well, too …

  Something Simple, Plain-spoken

  By Caridad Svich

  Val: woman in her twenties, angry

  Dramatic

  Val is speaking to her longtime boyfriend Hayden. They have been road-tripping for several weeks with Hayden’s younger brother, Theo, in search of a lost family inheritance. As the extremely co-dependent nature of the relationship between the two, once-estranged brothers, is increasingly revealed, Val begins to feel more and more left out, and used by Hayden. This moment finds her at her breaking point.

  VAL: I’m heading back. I want to go to Prague. Travel through Europe, visit a damn castle. I don’t want to meet your dad. Or anyone else in your family. I’ve met Theo. That’s enough. I don’t need dog poop on my shoes and days of drinking soda pop and pretending I’m having a good time taking a leak by the side of the road and listening to you bitch and moan and go crazy. This is not my inheritance. We’re not fucking joined at the hip. You want to chase a mirage of a house and some phantom money? Go ahead. I’m not a part of you anymore. See? You were inside me a long time and I thought “yeah, maybe, this is all I get, this is as good as I get, so let me stick around, and put up with it; maybe he’ll come round and I don’t know, we could be something together.” I’m not that smart, you see? I act like I am but I’m just a dumb girl from Georgia who thought this trip was about something else besides your cracked family and stupid-ass dreams. I thought we were going to discover something together, something beautiful maybe, something unforeseen. But it’s clear to me now, fucking now that we’re staring at a bunch of trees and maybe there’s a damn broken-down bit of house behind them, that there’s nothing, nothing at all you want from me except a short blast of intimacy every now and then, because what you’re really after is the possibility that maybe some of your pain will be taken away by beating your little half-brother to the chase; your little brother who can’t even … he’s a fucking kid, you know, a sweet messed-up thing. A wanna-be. Yeah. But at least he’s that. Cause if it wasn’t for him … he gives you meaning, Hayden. And that is the solid truth, the kind of truth you are always seeking to find in the here and now and absolute. He gives you all the meaning in the world.

  PERSUASIVE/INSPIRATIONAL

  The Beauty of Life

  By Barbara Lhota and Janet B. Milstein

  Ellen: mid-twenties, an English teacher and good friend of Ms. Li

  Dramatic

  Ellen, an American teaching in China, tries to convince an NPR reporter to forget his big story about how the Chinese government is fully responsible for a rural area AIDS epidemic and do something real to help the people. Ellen, in this speech, tries to persuade the reporter to agree to adopt her friend’s youngest child. Her friend, a poor Asian woman, has AIDS.

  ELLEN: Yeah. You and everyone you know. I know it sounds ridiculous. You think I’m crazy — we’re crazy. That’s the beauty of life — sometimes something that seems wholly ridiculous is the one and only thing that truly makes sense. Actually, it reminds me of the one thing I truly do love about China. The way people sometimes meet you and immediately trust you for no apparent reason. It’s not based on anything logical. It’s just a connection — a feeling, an intuition. (She points to a picture on the table.) There. That’s her — Shen. She’s adorable, right? (Beat.) Ms. Li’s life has been a living hell, Mr. Diggs. She would have loved to study and go to school like us, but she was forced to work in the fields. She would have loved to travel to other places and visit, maybe write stories, but she’s a woman. She would have loved to watch her babies grow up, but she donated blood to the government for forty yuan to help pay for shoes. She told me once, “When I look at my daughter, I see hope.” She wanted her to go to the U.S. one day. Her hope was fading. That is until she saw you at the hospital. She knew you were the one. (Beat.) So are you?

  The Beauty of Life

  By Barbara Lhota and Janet B. Milstein

  Ellen: mid-twenties, an English teacher and good friend of Ms. Li

  Dramatic

  Ellen, an American teaching in China, tries to convince an NPR reporter to forget his big story about how the Chinese government is fully responsible for a rural area AIDS epidemic and do something real to help the people. Ellen, in this speech, tries to persuade the reporter to agree to adopt her friend’s youngest child. Her friend, a poor Asian woman, has AIDS.

  ELLEN: You don’t force change. It just happens. I mean let’s not get overly ambitious about this. Every country has had their AIDS scandal with the government handling things badly. Big yawn. You’ll make people on the freeway shake their heads as they drink down their Starbucks. They’ll say, “Oh, those poor people — It’s shocking. It’s terrible.” A minute later when the traffic gets ugly — just like all things shocking and terrible in the U.S. — it will be forgotten. I know you might be naïve enough to believe if you tell this story, the government will never pull this again. But terrible atrocities have occurred constantly throughout history even when a bunch of reporters covered them. You can’t change a world, but you most definitely can change a life. And I’m talking about a little girl. All these things you’re saying are uncertainties. It is certain this girl will starve if she’s not adopted. You’re here and her mother has said you’re the one. Is there anything more important than this? Really? (Beat.) Is there?

  RiO

  By Jeremy Menekseoglu

  Mary: twenties, an abused housewife

  Seriocomic

  Mary is becoming more comfortable with Willy. She realizes during their first date that he is very kind and very unlike the abusive monster that she is still married to. So sh
e is surprised when she leans in to kiss him and he shyly tells her no. She assumes that he’s just nervous and tries to soothe him by telling him all about real love. She has no idea that Willy is really a schizophrenic serial killer and her life is teetering at every moment.

  MARY: Oh, I know what you’re gonna say … I used to be the same way Willy. I was real bad at sex an’ stuff. I used to like think that sex was jus’ doin’ it an’ all. You know, hard an’ quick an’ done with. An’ this one time —

  (Stops.)

  I talk a lot, I’m sorry.

  (Turns away. Pause. Quickly turns back.)

  But I’m jus’ gonna tell you somethin’ I never told no one OK? — I jus’ don’ want you to not get the point of my story, ’n all. OK? So — I would like jus’ like — screw, an’ then I got herpes from this older guy I was seein’. An’ I thought my life was like totally over, you know? Wait, let me finish OK? Don’ get all turned off. So anyway, I thought my life was totally over’n shit. I’d like cry myself to sleep, an’ all. And then I met my husban’, an’ I told him of course, an’ he jus’ said, “Well as long as it ain’t exposed I cain’t get it right?” An’ I said, “That’s right.” An’ he said, “OK then …”

  (Pause.)

  Do you get it? — He wanted me anyway Willy. That was love Willy. He taught me all about love, and how to make love. That disease, Willy, taught me that sex is a gift that you give to people that you love. An’ after I learned that Willy, the herpes never came back again. I know it’s always there an’ all, I ain’t stupid, but it don’ come out an’ hurt nobody or myself. Love put it away. Do you get it?

  The Igloo Coup

  By Barbara Lhota and Ira Brodsky

  Denise: eighteen to twenties, an acting major, cast as a Snowflake Helper

  Comic

  Denise, a serious actress, was extremely unhappy to get the part of a Snowflake Helper, understudy to the Snow Princess, at Northgate Mall’s Christmas display. The Snow Princess role went to a grossly ill-prepared girl who flirted mercilessly with the casting director and already was buddy-buddy with the Santa Claus. Denise’s jealousy turns to outrage as she realizes that the Snow Princess doesn’t even appreciate the part. Denise convinces Marcie, a Candy Cane, to take part in a coup to oust the Snow Princess.

  DENISE: Jeez, Marcie, I thought we were in this together. You’re gonna let this Diet Coke–drinking, heavy-smoking witch represent the Snow Princess in the upcoming Northgate Mall parade? You’re going to let the sleaze suck face with Toy Soldiers in front of the innocent tots as they wave to Santa? Honey, I know you’re worried. But the reason I’m so frustrated and distraught is because of my experience. I’ve been a Candy Cane. I’ve been the Pilgrim. I’ve been a Pumpkin. I know what it takes to be a good Snow Princess, and that bimbo just stole the part from me. Because she knew the big, fat red guy. Sure, if she cared about the performance, about the truth of the role, like you and I care, I wouldn’t mind. I’d applaud and bow to her and give her my snowflake offerings, but she doesn’t. She spits in my face! She laughs at me and even mocked me. She said I’m a flake ball. Not a snow ball. That wouldn’t offend, but a flake ball. Yes! To her all I am is a flake! She told me! And even though I am playing a flake, I knew what she meant. Do you see how that hurts? Do you see how that destroys my confidence? When she mocks me, don’t you see? She mocks all of us Snow Flakes and Candy Canes who care. Did I mention that she said all the Candy Canes sucked? She said none of you had any acting ability at all. And she makes ten dollars an hour to our seven fifty! (Beat.) So, you’ll do it?

  Tribe of Three

  By Eliza Wyatt

  Goli: late teens, earthy, rebellious, wears long gypsy skirts

  Seriocomic

  The play traces the fortunes of the Karimi family, refugees from Iran, who left during the Iran/Iraq war. Goli wants to use her gap year to join the Festival Circuit in pursuit of a purer more earthy lifestyle. She wears long gypsy skirts and extended hair, she has a rebellious attitude and may never go to college. She’s talking to her parents who are behind her door waiting for her to come out.

  GOLI: I will come out but not to eat. It’s not so much that I don’t like the food you cook, Mama, but I can’t take all that rice. I want to eat white bread sandwiches with ketchup. I honestly think if you started to eat more like the rest of Boston, it would change you. You’d stop thinking so much about the Middle East because you wouldn’t be constantly reminded of it by the smell and taste of gormay sabsi! There’d be a metabolic change, a lighter feeling, airy freedom and I think you’d both put aside that terrible prejudice you seem to have against letting me do what I want. You know there’s an unwritten law giving me a perfect right to drive a car and hook up with some really mature people who know how to put up a yurt and make a living from the Festival Circuit. If it’s being a nomadic gypsy as you say, it’s being a self -sufficient, self-employed one. And don’t go quoting the Koran to me either, because you never even had a copy in the house until I decided to become an Earth-Spirit. If we were all happy in tents, there wouldn’t be a war in the Middle East.

  I know it’s sad for you to see me go. It’s sad for me too. But it’s my destiny. And that’s Islamic. I need green fields and fresh air and great renewable energy sources from ordinary things like compost. Sorry you can’t come with me, but it’s only a temporary separation. By the end of the summer I’ll be home again and I won’t be changed that much. Not at all likely! I’ll still be your only daughter, won’t I?

  (Goli slowly opens door to her parents.)

  Sacrifices

  By Barbara Lhota and Janet B. Milstein

  Stacey: young adult, Jay’s sister

  Dramatic

  Stacey, Jay’s sister, tries to convince her brother to allow their father to apologize to him for years of abuse. Jay is currently incarcerated for a gang-related shooting.

  STACEY: Jay, don’t be stubborn! Listen to me this time! This will eat at you for the rest of your life. This is a chance to put it to rest. You don’t have to see him after today. Just hear him out. You don’t even have to accept his apology. But he’ll validate everything you’ve said and more. He did with me. And his words will put things to rest! Look, you trust me, don’t you? I’ve never steered you wrong. It’s worth a shot. Right? There’s no point in hating and wanting to kill him anymore, Jay, he’s dying. He’s gone. He only has a month or two. So I don’t know if there’ll be another time. I beg you, Jay, be stubborn with anything else, but this once, listen to me! Do this for you, not Dad. Do this so you can hear how right you’ve been all along. So you can hear him say, yes — that’s the truth of what happened to you. He wants to admit it was his fault — everything, so you’ll know you’re not a horrible person. Then maybe you won’t hate yourself so much. And you’ll find some hope again. You don’t have to forgive him. You can just listen if you want. (Beat.) What do you say?

  Picture Show Video

  By Kevin M. Lottes

  Ami Fleets: a young woman in her early twenties

  Dramatic

  Ami Fleets has just returned home from a trip to Greece. While there, Ami experienced live theater for the first time. Her boyfriend, Johnny, works for her dad in the video rental business in a small Midwestern town. They’ve always watched movies on their nights together. On this particular night, Ami just noticed an ad in the local newspaper announcing that a traveling theater troupe is passing through town. Ami tries to convince Johnny to go.

  AMI: Oh, just look, Johnny! It starts at eight o’clock tonight! Can we go and do this instead of watchin’ another movie? Please! I’m so sick of watchin’ movie after movie; it just seems so trivial to me, now that I’ve experienced live theater. It’s where you can feel the body heat from the actors rise when they hit that all-important moment, where you can feel their breath on your face, where you can hear the most beautiful words ever spoken, where people get down and dirty and talk to one another and where your heart battles with your head and it excites
itself in a way no movie could possibly do, where you can see yourself up there, being exposed, so naked and free, and it’s a one-shot deal. There’s no pausing it to heat up your popcorn or going to take a piss, no fast-forwarding it, or rewinding it, it’s just there, for you and for me, to see in passing, like some parade going by and you’re a little kid again, watching it go down the street wishin’ you were up there on one of them floats throwin’ Tootsie Rolls at the spectators. It’s a one-shot deal and I want to be there for it again. That’s all, Johnny. I’m tired of the same old thing; I want something different for a change, ya know?

  Marvel

  By Joshua Scher

  Gabriella: twenty-two, an African-American New York cop still low on the totem pole, but high in idealism

  Seriocomic

  A guy dressed as Spider-Man has climbed up a crane on the Brooklyn Bridge and is sitting on a platform hanging from it. Gabriella has been assigned to watch him nights. After an entire night of the silent treatment, she has finally gotten him talking on the second night, but she is still struggling to get a name out of him.