by Zack Zombie
What! I’m going to have to show Blaze around school? Oh man, this is my chance to learn how to be cool.
“He’s waiting for you outside of the guidance counselor’s office. You can take next period to show him around the school.”
“Sure thing, Principal Slime.”
I started getting really nervous about showing Blaze around school.
What if he laughs at me? What if he thinks I’m a noob?
Oh, No! What if he notices…my new tooth?!!
I figured maybe I could hide my tooth somehow before I met up with Blaze. So I ran to the bathroom to do a quick makeover.
I was trying to find something to cover up my tooth, but I couldn’t find anything decent that I could put in my mouth. I ran outside and saw one of the classrooms open. I grabbed a stapler from the teacher’s desk and ran back to the bathroom.
I figured if I kept half my mouth shut, Blaze couldn’t see my new tooth.
It took me a few tries to get the stapler working right. I accidentally stapled my lip to my eyelid so I looked like I was eating my face. But after a few tries and a few pieces of rotten flesh later, I finally got it right.
I looked in the mirror.
I didn’t look so bad. A lot of the kids talk out of the side of their mouths. Makes them look really gangsta.
Then I walked over to meet Blaze.
“Heyr Braze? Wazzarppenin?”
“What?”
“I zed, wazzarppening?”
Blaze just looked at me strange. He acted like he had never heard anybody talk gangsta before.
“Whatever. Look, I don’t know about you, but I got things to do, and I don’t want to waste my @#$%?& time walking around this school.”
Whoa! Did he just curse?!!
“What’s your name?” he asked me. Then he looked down at my name tag. “Zack, huh? PFFFFFFTT!”
“Brut, my frenz can caw me Zumbry,” I said.
“Alright Zack. Hey, you ever cut class before? Me and a bunch of the other guys are going get some eats at our favorite spot. It’s not too far from here. Why don’t you join us? We can ditch class and go have some fun.”
Man, I really wanted to go. But I had never cut class before.
“Das’ aight! Uh… I got some ubber things to do,” I said out of the side of my mouth.
“C’mon Zack, you know you want to…”
“Uhhhhh…”
To be honest, I really wanted to go hang out with Blaze and his friends.
“Uhhhhh…”
“Well, that’s cool. But don’t tell on us, OK?” Blaze said as he looked at me with his fiery eyes. It felt like he looked right through me. And he didn’t even have to look through the hole in my head.
“Don’t wully, I won’t tell.”
Then Blaze just gave me a nod and floated away.
Wow, even the way Blaze nods his head and floats away is cool!
Man, I really wanted to go with Blaze. I bet those guys are going to have so much fun.
And the way Blaze cursed made it sound so cool.
You know, I bet I could curse like that too.
I tried cursing under my breath so that no one could hear me.
But it sounded really wimpy and lame. Not like Blaze at all.
I need to say it with some real power, I thought.
So I ran to the bathroom and made sure no one was in there.
Well, here it goes…
“@#$%?&!” I yelled at the top of my voice.
There, I said it. And boy did I feel tough.
But, it still didn’t sound as cool as when Blaze said it though.
So, I tried it like ten more times.
But for some reason I still couldn’t get it right.
I guess I can try it again in a few days after my lips grow back.
Friday
CLINK!
CLINK!
“Don’t worry, Zombie. There are a lot of zombies that don’t have lips,” the dentist said. “It makes them look kind of, you know, ‘old school.’”
“Rrearry?”
CLINK!
“I think this is the last staple.”
CLINK!
“There you go. Good as new. Now let’s take a look at that tooth.”
***SHIIIINNNNE!***
“WHOA! That’s bright. I’ve never seen a tooth that white before. It almost looks human.”
“RUAT?!!”
“Just kidding. That is, unless you’ve been hanging around a lot of humans. They say that you become like the people you hang around with, you know.”
Is he kidding me? Am I becoming human?
Man, I don’t like the dentist. Especially this guy.
You know, for a dentist, his breath smells really bad. It smells like a mix of bubble gum, roses and minty freshness all mixed together. BLECH!
I didn’t really want to go to the dentist. But my parents really sweetened the deal.
They said that if I went to the dentist I could get my own cellphone.
And I’m going to get the best cellphone ever made and download ever cool app that I can.
All my friends are going to be so jealous.
Actually, all my friends have cellphones except me.
Even Creepy has a cellphone. But it’s not a smartphone. It’s just a regular phone that he can use to call places.
I guess it’s a “dumb” phone! Ha ha!
It only has about 20 apps. But my cellphone is going to have like a million apps. It’s going to be awesome!
“OK Zombie, I’m going to drill your tooth down so it won’t be so noticeable. Then I can paint it a nice yellow or green color if you like. We can even add some brown to spice it up a little bit.”
BLECH!
I guess if I don’t die from his drill, I’ll probably die from his breath.
Maybe I can hold my breath like…forever.
After the dentist, my Mom took me home while my Dad went to Scarget to get my new phone.
The dentist fixed my tooth, so now it looks really good.
I chose a nice green color with brown polka dots.
The dentist said that he was an artist before he became a dentist.
I didn’t believe him at first, but now it totally makes sense.
I think all artists smell like roses.
BLECH!
I couldn’t wait till Dad got home with my new phone.
When I get it I’m going to download all the cool games like Angry Bats, Zombies vs. Plants, and Clash of Creepers…
Even Minecraft. I heard that was like the best game ever.
Oh man, I can’t wait!
“I’m home!”
I ran downstairs because I couldn’t wait to start playing with my new cellphone.
“Here you go son! Your very first cellphone!”
eeeeeeehhhhhWAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!”
“What’s the matter, Zombie?” Mom asked me.
“Yeah, buddy. Check out your new phone,” Dad said. “It’s got 4 buttons that you can use to call your Mom, or me, and you can even call your grandma!”
“WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!”
“Look Zombie, it even has 4 apps that you can play… See, it’s got Bubble Dash, Chase the Ocelot, Butterfly Math, and Flower Power.”
“WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!”
“I know they didn’t have your favorite color, but the Zombie girl at the store said that pink is the new green.”
“WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!”
“At least it goes with your lunch box,” my Mom said.
“WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!”
Saturday
I cried myself to sleep yesterday,
so before I knew it, it was Saturday.
“Do you feel better, Zombie?” my Mom asked as I came down for breakfast.
“Yeah… I guess so. Where’s Dad?”
“Well, he felt bad about your cellphone, so he left early to get you one in your favorite color. He thinks they have a green one in another Scarget across town.”
I didn’t have the heart to tell Mom I hated that phone no matter what color it was.
“Great, Mom.”
“By the way, don’t forget that Rajit, the foreign exchange student, is coming today,” my Mom said. “Your Dad is picking him on his way back from Scarget.”
“He’s coming already?”
“Yes, so please grab your things and take them to Wesley’s room.”
Oh man, I’ve got to spend a few weeks in my little brother’s bedroom.
That’s like the worst.
It wouldn’t be so bad if Wesley wasn’t always trying to get into everything that I do.
And when I’m playing video games he always wants to play. Then Mom and Dad make me help him the whole time.
And Mom and Dad always take his side.
UURRGGGHHH! Little brothers are such a pain.
But the one thing I am looking forward to is hiding in the closet and jumping out to scare him before bed.
I learned that from when Mom used to read me the book, There’s a Nightmare Human Kid in my Closet.
That book creeped me out for months.
Now I get to shower the reign of terror on my little brother.
“MUUAAHAHAHAHA!”
“Oh, I think he’s here,” my Mom said.
I looked out the window and Dad was there along with this little square “thing” that was hopping next to him.
“Hey Mom, what’s that thing next to Dad?”
“That’s not a thing, that is a “HE” and his name is Rajit.”
“That’s Rajit? What is he?”
“He’s a Shulker. They have many of them in the Endian Biome.”
A Shulker? What in the world is a Shulker? I’ve hear of a shell and a lurker, but I’ve never heard of a Shulker.
“Hey everybody, we’re home!” Dad said as he walked in. “I’d like you all to meet Rajit.”
“Hello Rajit, it is great to meet you. This is my son Zack,” Mom said.
“Hi, you can call me Zombie,” I said.
“Hello, Zombie. My name is Rajit Venkatanarasimharajuvaripeta. But you can call me Raj,” he said.
“Zombie, why don’t you show Raj to his room?” my Mom said.
I took Rajit upstairs, but all I was thinking about was my booger collection. I wanted to take it with me to Wesley’s room, but it’s gotten so dry and crusty that the jar stuck to the dresser in my room.
“Oh I see you have a booger collection!” Rajit said.
Aw man, there goes all those months of digging, hacking and picking down the drain.
“I have one back home,” Rajit said as he took out a picture and showed it to me.
It looked like a picture of the Taj Mahal.
“So where’s your booger collection?”
“That is my booger collection.”
“Wha..?!!”
It was the Taj Mahal made totally out of boogers.
“Whoa. How did you collect so many?”
“Well, where I come from, it takes a village to raise a booger collection.”
Wow, Rajit was crazy cool.
He said that his house was even bigger than his Taj Mahal booger collection.
“One day you must come visit my home. You can be my guest,” Rajit said.
“Thanks, Raj.”
Man, I can only imagine what it’s like living in Rajit’s house. He said his house is so big, that he has to take a limo just to go to the bathroom.
His house even has two zip codes.
I’m just wondering why he came to stay in our little shabby Zombie town.
I guess he wants to know how the other half lives.
Sunday
I went to go visit Steve today to see what he was up to.
I found him in his usual spot trying to punch a tree.
Except this time he was trying to use his new one-finger, tree destroying punch technique he learned from Mr. Matsumoto.
“Heeyaah!”
Dink.
BOOOMMM!!!
Well, I guess he doesn’t have the hang of it yet.
“Wassup Steve?”
“What’s cracking Zombie?” Steve said.
“Well, I got a pack of booger snacks in my pocket. Want some?”
“Oh… That’s OK. Wassup buddy?”
“Hey Steve, can I ask you a question?”
“You just did.”
“Can I ask you another one?”
“You just did.”
“C’mon man, stop that.”
“Alright. What’s bothering you?”
“Hey, do villagers say bad words?”
“Some do. And some don’t. But some villagers really curse a lot. It’s like a second language.”
“How come I’ve never heard you say bad words before?” I asked Steve.
“I used to. But then I decided I didn’t need to anymore.”
“Really? Why not?”
“Well, instead of cursing, I just go punch a tree.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah, cursing is just a way for people to get their anger out. For me, punching trees does the trick.”
“You must get mad a lot. I always see you punching trees.”
“Yeah… I guess so.”
“But doesn’t your hand hurt after a while?”
“You know, I’ve been punching trees so long, I never even noticed.”
Wow. I used to think that saying bad words made people seem tough. But punching trees… You’ve got to be really tough to punch trees all day.
“Why’re you asking?” Steve asked.
“Well, there’s this new kid at school, and he’s really cool. And he curses all the time.”
“Let me guess… And you thought that if you could curse like him then you could be cool too?”
“Yeah.”
“And then everybody would like you?”
“Yeah.”
“And then you’d be the most popular kid in school?”
“Yeah.”
“And then when you graduate, everybody will think you’re a loser, because they’re not impressed by your cursing?”
“Yeah… No… Wait, what?”
“Zombie, you don’t need to curse to be cool. You can be cool just by being a really good friend to people. I bet you that Skelee, Slimey and Creepy think you’re cool.”
“Yeah.”
“And I think you’re really cool. And you don’t curse around me or those guys.”
“Wow. That’s true.”
“Zombie, anybody that needs to curse to be cool probably doesn’t have any real friends.”
Whoa. That’s deep.
“Thanks Steve. I always feel so much better after talking to you.”
“No problem, Z. But I’ll see you later. I want to go back and finish practicing my new tree punching technique.”
Man, Steve is so smart.
I wonder if I’m really becoming more human by hanging around him so much.
I really wouldn’t want to be human, though.
They don’t have enough boogers.
And I think I would get sick of punching trees all day.
BOOOOOMMM!!!!
Well, I guess Steve still has a little more practicing to do.
Anyway, what Steve s
aid made a lot of sense.
But to be honest, it’s kind of hard to believe.
I mean, Blaze always has a bunch of kids hanging around him all the time. And he’s already the most popular kid in school.
How can he not have good friends?
Monday
“Zombie! Can you please pick up your clean underwear?”
“Zombie! Can you please bring in the garbage?”
“Zombie! Can you please leave more rotten flesh all over the bathroom?”
“Zombie! Can you please start biting your toe-nails?”
“Zombie! Can you…”
“URRRRGGGHHHHH!!!! CAN’T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?!!!”
“Humph! How dare you talk back to me, young zombie!” My Mom said. “I’m going to tell your father when he gets home!”
URRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!
Why are my parents always picking on me?
I wish they would just leave me alone!
I can’t wait till I’m old enough to move out of here. Then I won’t have to hear…
Zombie, put away your sweet-smelling shoes, they reek.
Zombie, stop brushing your teeth or you won’t get cavities.
Zombie, put on some indecent clothes, or you’ll look like a human.
Zombie, if you don’t pick your pimples they won’t crater.
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!
And then when I try to say something, I get in trouble.
I bet you Blaze doesn’t get in trouble for talking back to his parents.
He’s probably the boss in his house.
“Mom, do my chores,” he probably says to his Mom.
“Right away, sir!” his Mom says.
“Dad, bite my toe-nails,” he tells his Dad.
“With pleasure, Mr. President!” his Dad says.
“Sis, pick my nose,” he says to his little sister.
