Sin and Zen, #1

by S. W. Stribling

  I could feel them weighing me up with their eyes. I’m not a big boy, but her feistiness along with my calm quietness must have worked because we eventually got her purse and walked out with no harm done.

  We got outside and walked around the corner from the building when I stopped her.

  ‘What the fuck was that about?’ I said.

  ‘They were fucking with me.’ She said. ‘They didn’t want to give me my bag because they were jealous I was with you.’

  ‘Is that an ex or something?’ I said.

  ‘No.’ she said. ‘Just friends, but he’s always wanted to and I never have.’

  ‘So how did your purse end up there?’

  ‘I left it there so it wouldn’t get stolen at the bar.’

  That was smart, but I didn’t say that. I just grabbed her hand and started walking towards mine.

  We walked back to mine, kissing and undressing in the street along the way, then redressing, then stopping again and doing it over and over. A seven-minute walk took near thirty-five minutes. But we made it. And went straight to bed.

  She undressed completely and fell backwards into the middle of the bed.

  I mounted and we must have caressed and teased each other for half an hour before penetration.

  I heard Kay come in around four so I ran upstairs to grab more coke off of him to keep from falling asleep.

  Aurora and I continued our night repeatedly until my alarm clock for work went off and she got up to take a shower.

  I followed behind her and took her from behind, her back against my chest, my face in her neck, her face against the shower wall.

  I finished and said, ‘Thank you,’ and then walked out of the shower.

  She laughed out loud and then yelled out, ‘You don’t have to thank me. I enjoyed it, too.’

  That was actually a first to have a woman say that, I wondered why no other woman had that humor until now.

  45

  Aurora and I continued to see each other.

  Claudia and I still spoke and occasionally slept together, but it was not quite the hangup it used to be.

  One day Claudia came over to print out her thesis for one of her classes in ‘audiovisual’. She was an actress and model, but was looking to get into the movie making side of things and had started her masters while we were together and now nearly finished it. I admired her courage to write such a paper in a language that wasn’t her first. But she had studied French longer than I had English and had plenty of men that volunteered to proofread for her so I imagined it would be okay.

  Claudia was supposed to be out by lunch or so, but when I started getting antsy, she seemed surprised and asked why. Normally, I’d be kissing her and convincing her to say ‘one last time,’ but here I was eager to have her gone.

  She knew me too well and picked up on that and started teasing me.

  ‘So what’s going on?’ She said.

  ‘Oh, you know me.’ I said.

  ‘I wish you would take better care of yourself.’ She said.

  ‘How much longer do you think?’ I said. It was almost 13h now and Aurora was coming over at 15h.

  ‘Sorry,’ she said, ‘I didn’t think it would take this long.’

  ‘Well, if you hadn’t spent two hours hanging out before you started printing, you would have been done by now.’ I thought. Her computer was still connected to the printer from when we lived together, and she knew it wasn’t the greatest machine to translate digital data into ink on paper. And why did she have to come here to print it? I bet that other guy she was seeing would buy her a printer if she asked.

  ‘And I wanted to see Maverick.’ She said. That was always her excuse for texting me or coming over. He was kind of our child.

  ‘Well, you know that printer isn’t for books.’ I said as the machine kept pumping out one page at a time, a time of about a minute each. ‘I just got it for lesson plans.’

  ‘Yeah, sorry,’ she said, ‘I didn’t mean to take up your day. You can leave. I will close up behind me if you have to be somewhere.’

  It’s a strange feeling when an ex is back in your old apartment: her same voice, her same clothes, her same look, and her same demeanor. It’s as if she never left. I would usually come to see her at her new place so it was like sleeping with a new person who already felt comfortable. This was the opposite feeling.

  ‘It’s okay.’ I said. ‘I’m sorry. I just started dating somebody new, and she’s coming over at 15h, and I would rather not have my ex in the apartment alone with me when she gets here.’

  She smiled.

  ‘I’ll be gone by then.’ She said.

  I got a text from Aurora. She’d be here an hour early.

  ‘Is that her?’ Claudia asked.

  ‘Yeah.’ I said.

  Claudia and I hung out for a bit more. It was strange to just hang out again without being naked. It was as if there was still a string that tied us together, something beyond the intimacy of sharing your skin and fluids with one another. A string that could never be broken. I was still paranoid about her being here when Aurora would arrive, but it looked like there would be an hour gap between the two. Juggling women I thought. My god, what a circus.

  ‘J’arrive.’ Aurora texted.

  Shit.

  ‘How much longer do you think, Claudia?’ I said.

  ‘I don’t know, Will.’ She said.

  ‘Okay,’ I said, ‘Well, she’s on her way.’

  She started to stand by the printer as if her presence could make the machine go any faster.

  ‘Well, this is happening.’ I thought.

  ‘I won’t be in your way if I’m still here, you know.’ She said.

  She was doing this on purpose. She wanted to see who I would be nervous about her seeing. Normally, I would tell her about all my little adventures whenever we would meet up, but I hadn’t told her about this one and that got her interest.

  ‘I’m sure she’ll understand, and you don’t have to tell her I’m your ex if you don’t want to.’ She said.

  That thought had already crossed my mind. But I had already told Aurora about Claudia and so that wouldn’t work. Not sure I could do that to an ex anyway, pretend she didn’t exist for the comfort of another.

  Aurora arrived and Claudia was still there.

  Well, damn. I suppose having both of them at the same time would be a fantasy. But these two, I could barely focus on one at a time. I would explode, die from the attempt. They were each a force alone to overwhelm me; I knew I could never manage both at the same time. Any fantasy that wanted to exist didn’t.

  Aurora came in as stunning as ever in her casual clothes. I swear she could walk into a ballroom with jeans and be the most spectacular sight there.

  She came in and kissed me at the door. I immediately looked over at Claudia who Aurora hadn’t seen yet since the open door blocked her view. Claudia smiled in a mocking way.

  ‘Ça va?’ I said.

  ‘Ça va.’ Aurora said.

  She walked in. I closed the door.

  ‘Aurora, Claudia.’ I said.

  I had warned Aurora by a text that my ex might still be here so she wasn’t surprised.

  ‘Salut.’ Aurora said.

  ‘Enchanté.’ Claudia said.

  They didn’t do the bisous.

  I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was so nervous about Aurora already, and now here I was in my apartment with both her and my ex who meant more to me than I ever could have admitted publicly.

  It was awkward, but we all played our roles correctly. Aurora and I hung out around the kitchen table while Claudia finished up the last of her pages. It was fifteen minutes that felt like hours as we all talked together.

  I wanted to shoot myself.

  Forever finally ended. Then the bisous, ‘au revoir’, smiles, and Claudia left.

  ‘She’s beautiful.’ Aurora said.

  ‘Yeah,’ I said.

  ‘She’s beautiful.’ Claudia texted.
/>   What the fuck.

  ‘I like her.’ Aurora said.

  ‘I like her.’ Claudia texted.

  Jesus Christ.

  They were no doubt the two most beautiful women I had ever seen, including the fake screen. And two of the most interesting women I had ever met after 26 years of life experience. The fact they were overlapping was insane.

  ‘How old is she?’ Claudia texted.

  ‘My age.’ I texted.

  ‘Ah,’ She texted, ‘I thought she was maybe 30 or something.’

  Aurora and I continued our day as expected without too much more talk about Claudia. Though I imagine there were thoughts on both sides. She wanted to know why we had ended even though I had already explained that to her before. She had met her now though. She was real. And she wanted to know everything.

  Luckily, our sober beach time together gave us some time together.

  ‘Will?’

  It was Louise. An ex of an English friend of mine who was also a parachutist from the 2°REP and was part of my ‘anglophone mafia’ before. He had gone back home to England, but he and Murphy and our misuses and I at the time were all very close. Along with a South African friend of ours who had died in Afghanistan and a Welshman who was in and out of psychiatric help for PTSD.

  But I was no longer with Claudia. Murphy was no longer with Niz. And English Bailey was no longer with Louise. And Johnson was dead. And Buell was in Paris in a hospital. Broken we all were, some more than others. Some gone forever. We still drank to the names and our former glory though.

  Louise and I had had a romantic evening together a few times by drunken accident. We never slept together, not in a penis in vagina way, but we would get drunk and naked and lay in bed together and I would tell her stories and read her books and we would lay next to each other. Yet, we would never commit to the full act. She wanted to, but I couldn’t. Out of some invisible contract I signed with my legionnaire brethren. She understood but didn’t. She even asked for approval from Bailey and he gave it. Bailey said he always saw us together and had no intention of returning to France. But I was never one to fuck the lady of my friend, ex or not. Even on drugs or alcohol, I have certain walls built. Yet, Louise and I were close and like best friends of the opposite sex who openly talked about sex like most people talked about the weather.

  So when she showed up on the beach with Aurora and I, it was strange but comforting.

  Aurora was topless, and I was sitting behind her.

  So when Louise showed up and said hello, I got up to introduce them.

  Aurora and Louise got along amazingly.

  We all talked about sex and love. It wasn’t taboo. It was real and on the table. They were both in physical contact with me and Louise whispered that she really approved of my new girlfriend.

  Aurora really liked Louise too.

  What the fuck was going on?

  We hung out for a few hours until the sun set enough that it started to become cool when the wind blew across.

  Louise understood people and situations better than anybody I knew and took her leave at exactly the right time.

  Aurora and I went back to our cuddling position and lasted another half hour before we went home ourselves.

  We got back to our side of town.

  Drank.

  Went out for two more at a bar nearby and pissed off a few people.

  Then made a few more rounds of drinking and talking.

  We were the most beautiful people around and we wanted the world to know it in a violent way.

  We made it home and made the gods jealous.

  46

  Aurora and I had confessed our love to one another after about two weeks. It made little sense, but it was something I had always felt but never said out of obligation to the rules of love.

  I was good at sensing the right time to say such things and she fell apart for me as soon as I did for her.

  Confusing times.

  Romantic times.

  After about a month she was half way moved in.

  We were laying in bed and I was running my fingers along her. I had noticed a scar on her stomach on our first night but figured it was something to ask later.

  ‘What’s the scar here on your belly?’ I said.

  ‘You don’t remember?’ She said.

  ‘You already told me?’ I said. ‘Shit. I’m sorry. I forgot. Tell me now, I’ll remember in both states.’

  ‘You’re an asshole.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘I’ve never told anybody about this but you and my dad.’

  Her dad was a legionnaire and became a French citizen after serving and marrying Aurora’s mom. He was Czech.

  ‘I want to know.’ I said.

  She rolled over.

  Damn, she was beautiful in every position.

  I ran my hand along her. Teased her for five minutes that felt like forever as I took my time from her toes to her neck.

  She rolled over and looked at me.

  ‘I shot myself.’ She said.

  I remembered the conversation now but didn’t respond.

  ‘I was young,’ she said, ‘depressed, and I took a gun and just shot myself in the belly.’

  I didn’t let her finish the rest of the story. I had remembered the rest.

  ‘I love you.’ I said.

  She smiled.

  I kissed her.

  We made love.

  Slow and sweet, very different from our normal rampage. Worlds parted in a symphony.

  We made love.

  She was no longer my object of affection. She was still beautiful. Sexy. Erotic. But she was human, and I loved every inch of her and she held onto me as if to never let go. Her claws dug into my skin as I penetrated her, as I kissed her, as I made us one.

  47

  La fête du panier was coming up and rather than just getting hammered and roaming around the neighborhood, I decided I would get hammered and make a profit from this annual festival. That opportunity ended up being Easterhouse who I still didn’t speak to as a friend anymore. Nothing more than casual courtesies, it had been a year. I would never trust the man again, but he was still kind to me.

  Easterhouse had bought a restaurant on la rue du panier a thirty-second walk from my apartment with the money he had won after suing the French Foreign Legion for his injury, a bad knee from a march in basic training. He never even finished la ferme or La Marche Kepi Blanc, but still ended up with the cap, 100 thousand euros, and three years of a full salary paid vacation.

  I invited Aurora to come along. Well, I didn’t really invite her so much as told her about it and she came along.

  It was the south of France and meetings were very casual. We sat outside the restaurant and discussed our place at their place and their cut of the profits.

  I ended up playing diplomacy half way through between Aurora and Easterhouse. They had never met before.

  All went well though, and we even got half the storefront for my Dutch friend, Ackerman, to make drinks. He would make a barrel of Mojito to sell Mojitos at €2 a plastic cup. It was a good deal and a win for all. Plus his new lady friend from Holland was the typical tall, blonde, attractive type to bring in customers. Her along with Aurora and we would own the panier for the weekend.

  ‘Aurora is hot, boet.’ Easterhouse texted.

  I ignored the message. He sent it for two reasons. He sees the money she can bring, and he’s trying to get back in my good graces. I didn’t respond to him.

  ‘Comment il s’appelle?’ Aurora said.

  ‘Easterhouse.’ I said. I knew who she was referring to. She already knew the restaurant manager, his daughter, and wife, and my Dutch friend and his missus, Jenny.

  ‘He’s crazy.’ She said.

  I didn’t respond.

  ‘I could see it in his eyes.’ She said.

  I kissed her.

  ‘I like her.’ Easterhouse texted.

  Fucking bastard.

  I squeezed her hand then
pulled her off to the side and made out with her. She was surprised but didn’t refuse.

  It turned her on though and she wanted me. We made love twice in full force and it exhausted me. I wouldn’t be able to pick her up and travel with her across the apartment again.

  She didn’t like that.

  She called Kay. She had his number now. Though he had stopped talking to us since we went reclusive in our sexual state.

  He responded to her though, but rather than giving drugs to us for free he wanted to charge us. I agreed. We payed. I took it up the nose and took her until she finally had enough. My muscles ached once the drugs wore off.

  A few hours later, the party started. We could hear the people in the street and the bbqs being set up out my window. We rolled out of bed. I never knew how much time we spent together in bed, but it was never time lost by my count.

  We got dressed. I was wearing my green kilt that I got when officially adopted into Murphy’s family. His father took me in has his own. I didn’t even know the Irish wore kilts until then; I had always thought it was a Scottish thing. Apparently it’s a Celtic thing, and I was officially part of the tribe now by recommendation and by my alcoholism and ability to tell stories.

  It was still daylight. It was the late afternoon, and I told Aurora she could head up whenever she wanted. I figured she’d get bored too quickly if she came now when it was mostly just old people and tourists there. The fun crowd and the money didn’t really start flowing until it got dark.

  I walked up the street and started to help set up the restaurant and the tables outside. Then I started drinking.

  At first Easterhouse wanted to charge us by drink, then I said I would help him sell drinks, so he countered that only I could drink for free and Aurora or anybody else I knew had to pay. I didn’t like that, mostly because I was negotiating with that guy, but it was fair and I agreed.

  The evening started, and we made a little money off people passing by. Most were just there to look around, but when we grabbed somebody, they would get something for the whole family. The conversion rate wasn’t high, but the average sale was.