Four Summers

by Nyrae Dawn

  Which makes no sense. I don’t know this boy. But he’s different. I see it and feel it and that calls to something deep inside me that I don’t understand. But I want to. Being here at The Village, I know everything. I always have. Nothing is ever new, no matter who comes and goes. Alec and I will probably always be best friends. We’ll probably grow up and get married like Mom and Dad because they were best friends.

  Sadie will leave. Mom will wish she could. Dad will grow old and Alec and I will take over. It’s written in the stars. Probably our destiny and I suddenly want to cry.

  I stumble forward at the nudge to my back.

  “Oh crap. I’m sorry, Charlie. I didn’t realize you weren’t paying attention.” My eyes find Alec to see he’s not looking straight at me. He's glancing back and forth between the group of three sitting down and me.

  “It’s fine.” I fight the embarrassed heat I feel pushing to the surface. Alec grabs hold of my arm, as though he’s trying to steady me, despite the fact that I’m not falling. I wait for him to let go, but he doesn’t.

  It’s awkward having Alec hold me like this in front of the others. It’s not like he’s never touched me before, but part of me wants to slip out of his grasp. Then I feel like a horrible person for it, so I don’t.

  We walk over to the group and Sadie looks up at me. “Hey, Charlie! Hey, Alec.” The fake sweetness in her voice makes me want to throw up.

  “Hey.” When I sit down, Alec’s hand comes off my arm. I nod to Sadie Ann, then Alec, Brandon, and Nathaniel.

  “What do you guys usually do for fun around here?” Brandon asks. His voice is totally different from Nathaniel’s. Not deeper, but maybe a little rougher. He almost sounds like my grandma who smoked sixty-five years of her eighty. Okay, maybe it’s not that bad. Maybe I just want to find something bad about him so Sadie won’t want to get close to Brandon or Nathaniel.

  “What do you do?” Alec replies with a strange kind of tightness in his voice.

  Brandon shrugs. “Whatever.”

  Alec’s eyes dart down. I try to keep looking at him. Or to look at Sadie, or even Brandon, but I can’t stop from peeking over at Nathaniel. He smiles and shakes his head as though he thinks they’re all being ridiculous. It’s impossible not to smile back at him.

  Sadie speaks up. “You should let me show you around Lakeland Village. There’s not a lot to do, but it would get us away from here for a little while.” The way she looks at Brandon, it’s as though the rest of us aren’t sitting there. She looks confident and beautiful and a mixture of jealousy and pride blends inside me. I never thought I would look at Sadie and feel pride like that, but I do. I wish I could look at a boy I liked and feel that confident.

  “Sure. That would be cool. You guys wanna take off?” Brandon looks at Alec and I, then at Nathaniel. “I know you do.”

  Sadie’s confidence looks a little dinged. “Charlie and Alec hardly leave The Village if they don’t have to. I’m sure they don’t want go.”

  “I’ll go,” shoots out of my mouth, unplanned. “I mean…”

  “You should go.” Nathaniel replies. “We’ll all go. But my douchebag brother failed his driver’s test, so hopefully one of you can drive.”

  “Screw you. At least I’m old enough to take it.” At that both Brandon and Nathaniel push to their feet. They play around with each other; pushing and fake punching and I can’t help but watch them. Maybe boys are the same everywhere. Right now I don’t see anything different in the way they act and Alec. Except when it’s Alec, it’s me he’s goofing around with.

  I fidget in the backseat, sandwiched between Alec and Nathaniel. Sadie Ann is driving and of course, Brandon is sitting in the front with her.

  Dad about had a fit when we told him we were leaving. All it took was Sadie pouting out her bottom lip and he was a goner, though. He was happy the two of us are hanging out, apparently. I didn’t tell him Sadie would rather I stay home.

  I shift again, uncomfortable in the too-tight shirt Sadie made me wear. I don’t know why she cares what I have on anyway.

  “You okay over there?” Nathaniel asks. “You’re squirming around like you’re about to jump out of your skin. You’re not about to go all Incredible Hulk on me or anything, are you?”

  His comment stings. “No!” leaps out of my mouth, with a harsh edge to it.

  “She doesn’t usually dress like that. She’s uncomfortable,” Alec grits out. I want to thank him for sticking up for me and bury myself in a hole at the same time. Nice of him to out me like that.

  “I was kidding, man.” Nathaniel leans closer to me. “You know I’m kidding right, Charlotte?”

  The car goes deathly quiet at the name. No one calls me Charlotte. Sadie laughs while Alec gives me a strange look, but Nathaniel doesn’t seem to notice or care.

  “Yeah. It’s cool,” I tell him. We pull into a parking lot in town. I’m thankful that we’re here so I can get out of the car. Alec gets out first and I stumble out behind him. It’s a bright, sunny day like it always is in the summer. Sadie is smiling as she slips on her sunglasses.

  Alec cocks his head at me. I can see the wheels turning in his head as he tries to figure out what’s going on with me. The truth of the matter is, I don’t know. I wouldn’t even know what to tell him. It’s not just about the summer boy…it’s everything.

  “There’s not a ton to do, but we can show you guys a few places,” Sadie tells Brandon.

  “Sure. Sounds cool,” he replies.

  “Charlie, if you guys wanna take off by yourselves and meet up with us later, that’s cool. I know you’re more comfortable around just Alec anyway.”

  Dude. I’m going to kill her.

  “If you wanted to get Brandon alone, you just had to ask,” I shoot right back at her. I’m used to taking crap from a lot of people, but most of the time, I don’t take it from my sister.

  For the first time in forever, she blushes. Alec laughs and I hear Nathaniel mumble a “well played.”

  “I have to keep this twerp with me anyway. My folks made me promise.” Brandon tries to flip Nathaniel’s hat off, but he dodges him.

  “I was just being nice. I don’t mind if we all hang out.” Sadie’s smile is forced and I feel a little guilty for embarrassing her.

  Brandon and Sadie walk in front of Nathaniel, Alec and I. One of the boys flanks either side of me and it’s impossible not to accidentally bump against them. Alec here, Nathaniel there. A brush of an arm, the touch of a hand.

  We show them a few of the shops. There’s this ridiculous Lakeland Village Museum, which is really nothing more than an old, white house stuffed with Lakeland Village history. The boys walk through like they care and Alec and I pretend we haven’t seen it all a million times before. It was our first field trip in Kindergarten, then again in third grade.

  We go to the ice cream shop where Brandon buys Sadie ice cream. Nathaniel turns to me and says, “What do you guys want?” And as stupid as it is, it makes me swoon a little. A boy has never offered to buy me ice cream before.

  “It’s cool. You don’t have buy it,” Alec replies just as I opened my mouth to answer. “You want your usual, Charlie?”

  Nathaniel shrugs like it isn’t a big deal and steps forward to order his ice cream. I try not to let it bother me, and nod at Alec.

  We sit at the little tables with ice creams painted on them. One of the girls in Sadie’s grade did it. She’s planning on leaving Lakeland Village as soon as she graduates to pursue art school, and I envy her that.

  Soon, we’re all piled in the car again and heading back home. I’m stuck between the two boys again and I’m kind of bummed I can’t make myself enjoy it. They’re both cute, super cute, but Alec is my best friend and Nathaniel’s only here for the summer.

  “Anyone around here play ball?” Brandon looks toward the backseat. I actually feel Alec’s body go haywire.

  “Football?” Alec asks, excitement in his voice. And I know, as much as he didn’t want to lik
e these two boys, he’s just found a new best friend.

  “Is there any other kind?” Brandon asks.

  “Baseball. Anyone can tackle someone else,” Nathaniel says from beside me.

  Brandon and Alec start rambling about teams and the next season and blah blah. It’s not that I don’t like to play around. We get together and have tons of games. It’s fun. Alec always picks me for his team and most of the other girls sit around watching, but I don’t care. I like being involved. But it’s different liking to play sometimes and being in love with it.

  Alec is in love.

  I wish he would try to leave this town one day to play somewhere.

  “You want to get a game together when we get back?” Alec asks.

  Brandon’s eyes glow with excitement. “Really?”

  “Yeah. I’ll call a few people.”

  Sadie Ann has a cell phone, but I don’t. “You’re only fifteen, Charlie Rae. You don’t need one,” Mom told me when Sadie got hers. I don’t really care. It’s not that I would call anyone but Alec anyway.

  Alec pulls his out and starts texting a few people. Since he gets paid for helping out at The Village, he actually has money sometimes.

  “You going to watch us play?” Brandon asks Sadie.

  “Sure. I guess.” Even thought her words sound nonchalant, I can tell she’s happy he asked her.

  “You’re down to play, right, Charlie?” This from Alec. He would never ask me to watch. He knows better than that.

  “Yeah. Sounds cool.”

  “You play?” Nathaniel asks, but it doesn’t sound like he’s making fun, just curious.

  “Yeah, sometimes.”

  “All the time is more like it,” Sadie says. “She likes playing with the boys.”

  I hate it when she says things like that. It makes my gut twitch, but part of me doesn’t blame her. It’s true and I don’t think she’s always trying to be mean. She just doesn’t get me, and she likes to make sure everyone knows that.

  “Cool,” Nathaniel replies.

  “Her and I are awesome together. We kick ass out there,” Alec says.

  No one replies to that. We pull up back at home and turn off the car. Everyone piles out. My insides don’t know if they’re excited to play, to hang out with Alec and the people we know. To do something comfortable, or if I’m freaked out because being around Nathaniel seems to make me that way.

  “You ready?” Alec asks, but he’s not looking at me. He’s looking at Brandon.

  “You know it.” Brandon grins.

  “Charlie Rae! Thank God you’re back. I’m going to need your help a little bit, kiddo!” Dad calls from his perch by one of the boats.

  I deflate. It doesn’t matter if I was excited before. Doesn’t matter if I wasn’t sure how I felt because now there isn’t a choice.

  “We were going to play football,” I say, knowing it won’t change anything.

  Dad looks bummed. “It won’t take long. I’ll make it real quick and then you can get back to your friends.”

  I turn back to the group. This is where Alec would usually say he’d stay and help me. We’d get done quickly and go play, but the look on his face—the guilt blending with the desire to play is as plain as day

  “Go with them. I’ll be over when I’m done.”

  “Thanks, Charlie. That’s why I love you.” He gives me a hug and then bounces on the balls of his feet. All energy, like he always gets when he plays football.

  “Want me to stay?” Nathaniel asks. “I can help.”

  That causes Alec to pause. It makes my heart stutter, too.

  “No,” I shake my head. “That’s okay.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Charlie! Hurry up, please!” Dad shouts.

  “I have to go,” I say, and turn around to walk away.

  It’s dark outside when I slowly slide open my window and sneak out. I’m not sure my parents would really care. I’m sure they wouldn’t. It’s not like I’d be sneaking out to meet a boy or do anything dangerous, but I still never let them know. They wouldn’t understand my fascination with the night. With the stars and how they amaze me and make me wonder what else there is in the world.

  Sure they know I like them, but they don’t know how the stars carry my dreams. That I wish I could drift away on one and see and explore everywhere.

  That's a fact I like to keep just for me.

  Tonight, I need a little piece of that thing that’s just mine. By the time I finished helping Dad this afternoon, the football game was over. Sadie was angry because Brandon disappeared with Alec to do some stupid boy stuff and, according to her, she didn’t know or care where Nathaniel was. I’d used the home phone twice to call Alec, but he didn’t pick up or call back. That’s never happened before and I know I shouldn’t let it bother me, but it does.

  It’s not like I should want to hang out with them anyway. Alec can be best friends with that stupid summer boy if he wants to.

  When I walk by one of the cabins, a noise startles me. Looking over I see the older couple in chairs on their porch. The light shows me they’re holding hands. Pausing, I watch them for a second, my heart going pitter-patter as I think about how much they much love each other and how hard it must be to know, they’ll soon be separated. Shaking my head, I start walking again.

  It doesn’t take me long to walk to my spot. There are other places I like to go at The Village, places that are more private and harder to get to, but tonight I don’t go to them. Tonight I want to be here, in this same little place I snuck off to the other night with the cool view, down the beach.

  I have my telescope in the bag over my shoulder. My eyes are following the light from my flashlight as it dances across the ground. I’m not even wearing any shoes, because it doesn’t matter out here. For a minute I think of my toenails and how plain they are without all the colors that Sadie Ann and Mom like to use. Maybe I should paint mine too.

  I shake my head. I have no idea why I’m thinking about my toenails right now. I’ve never cared how they looked before, so I’m not about to start now. I’m so lost in thought, that I don’t see anyone in front of me, just hear the voice in the darkness say, “Boo.”

  I don’t jump, but my heart does. Not because I’m scared. It jumps in excitement. Maybe even wants to do a little dance in my chest.

  “I’m not very scary, huh?” Nathaniel says.

  I look over and see him sitting close to where we met last night. He has his legs out in front of him, a pair of Nikes on his feet, and I suddenly wish I was wearing shoes. Or that I would at least be the kind of girl who painted her toenails. “What are you doing out here?” My voice sounds a little sharper than I meant for it to. Don’t be a dork, don’t be a dork.

  “Waitin’ on you.”

  “Why?” I don’t mean for the question to come out, but no one really waits for me, except Alec, but I feel like he kind of has to. We bathed together as kids. We learned to walk together and our parents threw us in the pool to learn to swim on the same day. Alec grabbed my hand under the blue water and we found our way to the surface together. I’m not sure he has a choice but to wait for me, but Nathaniel doesn’t.

  “I felt bad you got ditched today.”

  Oh. That’s not really the same thing as wanting to be here. “I didn’t get ditched.”

  “So you didn’t want to go with us?” he asks. It takes me a minute to make sense of him. Boys are so strange. He seems to say whatever is on his mind and he’s so literal. Alec is like that with me, but not quite as much. Alec wouldn’t tell me I got ditched. He would say he was sorry my dad made me stay, which, yeah might be the same thing, but they sound a whole lot different. Choice of words is important.

  “Whatever,” I say, and go to turn around, but he speaks again.

  “I’m just asking. I’m not trying to be a jerk.”

  I pause, wanting to walk away, but knowing there’s a bigger part of me who wants to stay with the summer boy who came out because he felt
bad I got abandoned while everyone else got to have fun. And when I put it that way, it doesn’t sound like such a bad thing.

  “What’s in the bag?”

  I turn to face him again, shining the flashlight in his direction, but not right in his face. The moon is bright enough to give some light, but it gives me something to do. “My telescope.”

  “Can I see it?”

  I shrug. “It’s not that nice.”

  “So?” He sounds confused by my words and I have to bite my cheeks not to smile. My face is hot and there’s a game of tackle football going on inside my belly.

  I walk over to him and sit down. My fingers are all shaky and I cover my plain toes with my pack as I pull out the old, black telescope. I hand it to Nathaniel and our fingers brush. It makes me feel like little fairy wings are brushing my skin.

  I turn so he doesn’t see my smile as I pull the stand out of my bag. My back is still toward him as I set it up. I turn to grab the telescope from him and Nathaniel is looking at me. His eyes are this dark blue that somehow reminds me of the moon.

  Once it’s all set up I scoot over and nod my head toward it. “Look.”

  Nathaniel gets up on his knees; so super close to me that I swear I feel the heat from him. It’s like I’m sitting by the woodstove. Like I’m freezing and he’s giving me the warmth to keep me alive even though it’s a billion degrees out here and I know my thoughts make me sound like an idiot.

  He looks through the scope and I watch, excitement burning in my insides because he’s going to get it. I know he is. He’s going to understand me in a way no one from The Village can. I hold my breath, wanting, needing, waiting, flying.

  “Look like stars to me,” he says, leaning back, and I crash to the ground. My eyes prick with tears. I’m stupid. So stupid. Why did I think he would get it? Why do I want him to?

  “Oh,” I say, those fairy wings replaced by little pins poking my skin.

  The look on his face changes thing. His eyes crinkle and he removes his backward hat. “Show me what you see up there, Star Girl.”

  My pulse stutters and then tries to catch up. “Really?”