Four Summers

by Nyrae Dawn

  Her eyes go wide and she looks at me, before smirking. “You don’t play fair.”

  I know she means that she realizes I’m flirting with her. I love that she’s not afraid to call me on it.

  “Come swimming with me,” I say again.

  She looks down, the shyness coming out in her again. “I don’t…I don’t look like they do in my bikini, Nathaniel.”

  Wow. Didn’t see that coming. Maybe I should have. “Who gives a shit about them.”

  “Boys.”

  That makes me wonder who’s seen her in a bikini (or less) and what they said to her about it. “Come on, it’s just me.” I nudge her.

  “Pfft.” She nudges me back. “But it’s not just you.”

  “Would it make a difference if it were just me?”

  She doesn’t hesitate to say, “I think so.”

  I smirk at her and flick the white hat off her head. “Then we’ll do that later. But for now...” I grab her. She tries to fight me off, but I’m not about to let go. I manage to get her in my arms and head straight for the water.

  “Nathaniel!” Charlotte screams. “We’re both dressed!”

  “I’m in my swimming trunks.” Not like I’ve ever swam in my shirt, but I’ll make an exception to get her in the water with me. She’s still complaining, but she’s not fighting me too much. It’s getting hard to hold onto her so I rush with her into the water. When she slips out of my arms, I grab her hands and keep pulling her with me.

  She’s laughing and I’m laughing and I keep going out farther and farther with her. If I wanted to, I could let go of her. She’s moving with me now, but I keep her in my arms as we get out to where neither of us can touch. “Don’t go anywhere.” I grin at her before ducking under the water and coming back up again. I shake my head, water droplets splashing her, and then she goes under and pops back up again.

  I can’t help but look down and see the way the white shirt molds to her skin. I see the yellow outline beneath.

  Charlotte follows my eyes down. She knows I’m looking. We’re close, just bobbing in the water, my arms around her and there’s a drop of water on her lip that I really want to lick off.

  “Charlotte,” I whisper and—

  “—Hell yeah! ‘Bout time my little brother got in the water!” Brandon yells before splashing water at me.

  “I’m going to kill him,” I say to Charlotte. And it’s not because he splashed me, either. He interrupted my time with her.

  “Go swimming with me,” I say again in Charlotte’s ear after we finish the water fight. Most of the people are heading back to the boat, but I’m not ready to get out yet.

  “We are swimming.” She ducks under the water, and when she comes back up, she’s facing me.

  “Then follow me before they turn around.” They have their backs to us right now as they head for the shore. I wouldn’t put it past Alec to try to drag her out, so I head off in the opposite direction as the boat. The shore comes out a little bit so if we go on the other side of it, we’ll be out of sight from the boat.

  Charlotte is right behind me as we swim into the little hideaway. “What are we doing?”

  “Don’t know.” It’s an honest answer. “I just didn’t feel like being around everyone else. I wanted to swim with you.” She swims closer to me and again I notice how the shirt hugs her. “What happened, Star Girl? Who said something to you?”

  She shakes her head and turns away, but I move to the side, so I’m in front of her again. “You don’t have to tell me…”

  “It’s not really that big a deal.”

  The water is shallower here and I’m able to touch the ground. I can tell Charlotte can’t so I put my arms around her waist. Hers automatically wrap around my neck.

  “I went out with this guy from school last year—”

  “You had a boyfriend?” When she starts to pull away, I amend, “Shit. I didn’t mean it like that. You know I didn’t, it’s just…I didn’t know.”

  “You would have known if we'd been talking.”

  I nod because I would have. If I hadn’t cut her out. “I’m sorry.”

  “I know. But, anyway…we only went out like twice. We went to the drive-ins and we were kissing…”

  My body tenses up. I try to relax because it shouldn’t get to me like this, but it does. “What happened?” I make myself ask because I want her to know she can talk to me, even though I’m going to hate hearing it.

  She bobs in the water a little before saying. “He put his hand up my shirt and well…obviously, I have the world's smallest boobs and—”

  “They’re not that small.” Her cheeks turn pink and I realize I just admitted to checking her out. “Tell me what happened, Star Girl.”

  She chews her bottom lip for a second before she says, “I pulled away. I know it makes me sound like a prude, but…I just don’t want some guy I hardly like feeling me up.”

  “You don’t sound like a prude.” Take that, fucker.

  “Anyway, he got pissed and when we got home, he told me he didn’t want to go out with my anymore. I didn’t really care. It was one of those things that happened because...I don’t really know. I guess it was nice to have a boyfriend. I don’t really date. The next day at school, he’d spread all these rumors about feeling me up and about how small I was.”

  Anger bursts inside me. “Fuck him. I’d kick his ass if—”

  “Alec did,” she interrupts.

  I try to hold back a groan, but I can’t help it. Of course he did. Alec cares enough about her to do things like that for her and he’s here to always do them. I’m suddenly shaking a little. It sucks not being able to protect her. To know Alec will and that he thinks it’s his job to protect her from me too.

  I don’t let myself think about the words, just lean my forehead against hers and say, “If I had been here, I would have been the one to kick his ass for you.”

  “I know…because you’re like, my best friend, right?” she asks, and I nod even though it feels off. They aren't big enough words.

  “But you’re weren’t here… You’ll never really be here.”

  There’s a truth to her words that I hate. Instead of thinking about that, I brush my hand along her hip. “Why do you think Alec didn’t care if you went out with him, anyway? I can’t even talk to you without him being a prick.”

  Her answer is simple, easy, and she doesn’t shy away from it. “Because he knew I didn’t really like Thomas.”

  My pulse jumps. She likes me. This totally cool girl who I would do anything for. Who trusts me with her secrets and who makes me forget for the first time in months. I knew it last year, but this doesn’t feel the same. It feels like more.

  “I wish things could be different.” I push the wet strands of her hair behind her ear. “There’s nothing wrong with the way you look. You’re beautiful.”

  She gasps. I can’t stop myself from leaning forward and taking her mouth. I’m used to the feel of her by now. I know the way she moves and how she tastes. She was so tentative the first few times, but now she’s opening up for me right away and pushing closer and I want her closer than anyone has ever been.

  My mouth slips from her lips, trails down her neck, and I lick water from her skin. Charlotte fists her hand in my hair and her body quivers, making me pull back a little because I never want to push her.

  Our foreheads come together again and we just stand there in the water, me holding her up while she has her arms wrapped around my neck. The mood darkens, sadness creeping into her features. “Don’t be upset.” I’m not exactly sure why she’s so sad; I just know she is.

  “I’m going to miss you,” Charlotte whispers.

  I pull her tighter against me. “We’ll still be here a couple more weeks. And we’ll talk this time. I won’t be stupid.”

  That makes her laugh. “Boys seem to have a problem with that.”

  “Low blow.”

  “Do you ever talk to her?” she asks. “The girl who got hurt?�
�

  I sigh, thinking back to when I emailed her. “After we moved, I messaged her once. I just wanted to check in, ya know? But she said she wanted to forget about it. They were moving, too, I guess. She took a lot of shit. People blamed her. Adam has this promising future and all that bullshit.”

  “People suck.” For the first time, Charlotte leans forward and kisses me. It’s quick, her lips briefly touching mine. “You did the right thing, though. Not that I’m surprised.”

  “Charlie!” Alec’s voice shouts from the direction of the boat.

  “Douchebag!” my brother yells, too.

  “He’s such an idiot.” I shake my head.

  “I guess we better go back,” Charlotte says.

  “Unless we want Alec over here, we do.”

  She rolls her eyes. “I know he’s an idiot sometimes, but… He loves me.”

  I must frown because she continues, “Not loves me, loves me, but we’ve always been a part of each other's lives.”

  And they always will.

  I won’t.

  I get it.

  “Nate!” Brandon yells again.

  I turn to Charlotte. “Come on, I’ll race you back.” But her words are a weight tied to me, holding me back, pulling me under. We’ll always be a part of each other’s lives…

  The next couple weeks fly by. Charlotte and I sneak out every night. Sometimes I kiss her and sometimes I don’t. I remember every time Roxi and I got together, we made out. It’s not that I don’t want to do the same with Charlotte. It’s not like I don’t want to do a whole lot more with her, but we talk a lot too. I enjoy talking to her and listening to her and I know she tells me things she doesn’t share with anyone else.

  I also really, really want to keep kissing her. It’s in my mind way more than it probably should be.

  It’s our last night at The Village and Charlotte and I are meeting early. I told her we don’t have to because I don’t want her to get caught, but when she tells me it would be worth it, I smile. There’s this sense of urgency scratching at my skin. Both of us know this could be the last time we see each other. My parents could decide to go somewhere else next year or not take a vacation at all and, hell, we’re sixteen. How do you know what the future holds?

  She plans to end up with Alec one day and the thought makes me feel like I’m breaking apart, so I try not to think about it.

  When we meet, she has a bag with her, but it’s not the one she usually carries with her telescope in it. I take her hand and she squeezes my fingers, but Charlotte stops me when I move to head toward the woods.

  “Let’s go somewhere different,” she tells me. I nod because tonight, I would follow her anywhere.

  We head the direction where we’ve sat by the lake a million times. The first place I talked to her our first summer. Charlotte keeps going and I keep following. We walk for at least a half hour down the lake. We turn, following the water around a corner, which makes it feel more secluded.

  All the cabins are far behind us, nothing here but Charlotte and me, the water, trees, moon, and her stars.

  “If you wanted to get me alone, you just had to ask,” I tease, expecting some kind of smartass comment.

  “I thought I did.”

  Her answer makes my skin feel tight. Heat bubbles inside me.

  She lets her bag slide off her shoulder and moves to open it, but I reach out and grab it, telling her, “Let me.”

  I lay the blanket on the ground, and pull out the towels she brought, wondering what’s going on. She sits and I sink down beside her. “What’s on your mind, Star Girl?”

  She shrugs. “Everything.”

  I don’t want her to be sad, not on our last night together. I’d do anything to make her happy, so I ask her about the stars and she points out a few different things. I pretend to see them, because I think she needs it. The longer we talk, the more she seems to relax.

  “Brandon was gone again tonight,” I tell her.

  One of the flashlights is facing the sky between us, but with the moon so bright, we don’t really need the light.

  “I’m sure he and Sadie wanted to give each other a proper goodbye.” There’s a smile in her voice and a blush on her cheeks.

  “I guess. I tried to ask my brother about her, but he threw a pillow at my head and told me to mind my own fucking business.”

  Charlotte laughs. “I don’t even ask Sadie. It’s not like she would tell me. Last year she was pretty bummed he never called her, though. I used to hear her crying at night. It was strange. Usually Sadie doesn’t let guys get to her, ya know? She’s too strong for that.”

  I think about her sister. The way I’ve seen her try to get Brandon’s attention and knowing they sneak out together, while she’s still with Brice, and even the way she treats Charlotte. “You don’t want to be that kind of strong, if 'strength' even the right word for it.”

  She looks over at me, all tender like she’s going to cry and it freaks me out a little. I’m not ready to deal with the tears. Don’t know how, but the longer she stares the more she softens me up. Charlotte surprises me by crawling over and getting on my lap. She’s straddling me; her legs wrapped around me. My body immediately starts to respond.

  I know she feels it when her eyes go wide.

  “Can’t always control it.” Damned if I’m not embarrassed. I don’t get that way easily, but she probably didn’t expect a boner just from crawling onto my lap.

  But then she leans forward and pushes her mouth against mine. It’s all the incentive I need to slide my tongue between her lips. Pulling her closer to me, I take the kiss deeper and it’s urgent and needy. I kiss her neck and behind her ear and take her mouth again. My hand slips under her shirt and I move it across her skin. She feels so good and even though it about kills me, I pull my mouth away from hers.

  “We should probably slow down.” Shut up! What are you doing? A voice inside my head yells, but this is Charlotte and I’m pretty sure she’s only kissed me and one other guy. There’s no way I can go farther with her when I’m leaving tomorrow.

  “What if I don’t want to slow down?”

  My head drops back and I groan. She’s totally trying to kill me here.

  “Oh,” she tries to move away, but I hold her tightly to me.

  “No. Don’t do that. I want you, Charlotte. I do. This is killing me, but…” Her words from earlier about her sister pop back into my head. “You don’t have to do that. I don’t expect you to give me that kind of goodbye.” Would I like it? Yeah, but that’s beside the point.

  She looks away and I hate that I hurt her, but I know I’m right about this.

  “Talk to me.” I tilt her head up so she’s looking at me. “It’s me. You can tell me anything.” My hand is itching to touch her so I keep it moving under the back of her shirt.

  “I …I want something for me. For us. You’re leaving and I don’t know if I’ll ever see you again and…”

  Her words feel like a fist to my stomach. How can I never see her again?

  “I want you to see me…Ugh. That sounds stupid, but I’m not like Sadie. I can’t just seduce some guy and I get embarrassed and—”

  “That’s not a bad thing.”

  “But it’s a hard thing. I don’t even want to wear a bikini in front of guys and I’m sixteen years old. And you said I’m beautiful and I trust you more than anyone else I know. I just…I wanted you to see me and know if you still think I’m beautiful.”

  Holy. Shit. “You are so totally brave. I don’t know anyone who would have laid that out there like you did.”

  “I trust you.” Her hand teases the back of my hair. It’s probably the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.

  I don’t give myself time to think about it. To realize it’s wrong or to try talking myself out of it. I can say I’m doing it for her, and maybe a part of me is, but I’m doing it for me, too. Because who wouldn’t want to see her? Who wouldn’t want to give her another first? And that makes me feel
selfish.

  “I don’t even have any condoms, but…we don’t have to have sex for me to see you, Char. We don’t have to…but if you want to…” I’m wondering how in the hell I got so lucky. What it is about her. Why she trusts me, but then I think maybe it just is. Maybe everything doesn’t have to have an answer.

  “I wasn’t talking about sex…”

  Nice. Now I feel like an idiot.

  “But I still want you to see me. I want to see you too,” she adds.

  I nod, not able to trust my voice. I’m sure I’m supposed to be a lot smoother about this, but I’m seriously dying here. I don’t know what to do, so I slowly move my hands to the buttons on her shirt. “Can, I?” I ask.

  “Yes.”

  “You sure?” My voice breaks and I feel like an idiot.

  Charlotte nods. One by one I push the buttons through the holes until her light blue shirt hangs open. She’s wearing a white bra underneath.

  I wish I knew what to say, but I don’t, so I nod, trying to tell her to stand up. She does and I’m right behind her, before I draw the shirt off her shoulders and let it hit the blanket.

  Charlotte is standing in front of me, in nothing up top, but a bra. I feel all jittery. My heart is going crazy. It’s killer to pull my eyes off her, but they dart to the water and I get an idea. “Wanna go skinny dipping? I’ve never done that, but—”

  “It’ll be both our first,” she says, and I know it was the right thing to say.

  I pull my shirt over my head and throw it to the blanket. Reaching out, Charlotte touches the necklace around my neck that matches her own. Not sure if she wants me to undress her or not, I go to my shorts first, pushing them down and kicking out of them.

  My palms are sweating and I’m as nervous as I’ve ever been, standing here in front of her in my boxers. “What now?” I ask.

  She doesn’t answer, just moves her hands to the clasp on the front of her bra and it pops open. She covers herself with her hands, but I still suck in a deep breath.

  “You’re perfect,” I tell her.

  That gets me a huge smile. “You didn’t see anything yet.”