Four Summers

by Nyrae Dawn

  “What do you need me to do?” Brandon asks.

  Umm, what? I don’t think Brandon has offered to help me with anything or even talked to me much in all the time I’ve known him. He must see that knowledge on my face because he adds, “What? I help.”

  “Yeah fucking right.” Nathaniel laughs.

  “You don’t have to help. It’s not your job. You’re on vacation.” I don’t do pity real well and that’s the only thing I can think of for him to hang around like this. Nathaniel must have told him everything that happened and obviously he knows Sadie isn’t here.

  “Doesn’t matter.” He shrugs. “You guys are all out here so what else am I going to do?”

  “Don’t argue with free help,” Nathaniel adds before bending to put his mouth close to my ear. “The sooner we get done, the faster we can disappear.”

  Disappear. With Nathaniel. How much would I really love to disappear from this place? To leave and go where I want and do what I want without having my past and my family crumble apart. Family? I can’t even say that. It’s only Dad.

  “You kids go on and head in. You don’t have to help. Charlie, Alec, and I have it.” Dad places one hand on my shoulder and one on Alec’s. Misplaced guilt suddenly slithers down my spine. I feel bad standing here, with link between Alec and I when Nathaniel is standing right there, and I shouldn’t.

  “We don’t mind—”

  “It’s not right,” Dad cuts Nathaniel off. “You guys have better things to do.”

  But I don’t. Never me.

  “The Village isn’t your responsibility.”

  But it’s mine, even though I didn’t ask for it.

  “Yes, sir.” Brandon tells him. Nathaniel doesn’t say anything to him at all, but he eyes my dad. I have no idea if Dad notices, if anyone who didn’t know Nathaniel like I do could read his face. She has things she wants to do, too. It isn’t her responsibility, his look says. If it’s possible for me to fall more in love with Nathaniel Chase, this is the second I do it.

  “Come on, bro. Let’s go.” Brandon claps a hand down on Nathaniel and in that moment, I envy their relationship. Most of the time they’re picking on and fighting with each other, but right now, I see that they would do anything for one another. I wish I had that with Sadie. Turning, they start to walk away, but don’t get very far before Nathaniel stops and looks back at me. “I’ll see you soon, Charlotte.”

  Dad frowns.

  And just like that, he disappears into the night.

  I want nothing more than to go with him.

  Nathaniel is standing outside my window when I crawl out. I almost scream, but he puts a finger to his lips as if to say “shh.” He takes my hand and we walk around the side of the house to the stretch of beach by the lake before taking the path we’ve walked together so many times. He has a duffle bag in his hand, and I can’t help but wonder what’s in it.

  Does he expect a repeat of our last night together?

  Do I want one? Risking a quick glance at his tall frame and the rougher jaw than he used to have, I admit that I do. I want just about anything I can have with Nathaniel Chase.

  We’re quiet when we get to our spot. I open my backpack and lay the blanket out, still wondering what he has in his. Nathaniel opens his backpack and pulls out another bag, this one long and slim.

  “I got you something, Star Girl.”

  I love the nickname. Love it so much. He’s started saying it more since last year. Almost every email or instant message.

  “You shouldn’t have,” I say, because I can tell by the shape of the bag, what it is. “It’s too much. I could never…” I shake my head. I could never get him something like that.

  “You deserve it,” is all he says before handing the bag over.

  My fingers shake as I open it and see the beautiful white telescope inside. “Nathaniel…”

  “I wanted to. It’s a good one. I did research on them before I bought it and this one is—”

  “Expensive.”

  “Perfect,” he adds. “For you. You’ll love it. I want you to have it.”

  I need to feel my arms around him again. I set the bag down and lock my hands behind his neck. He pulls me close, holds me tight and lifts me off the ground.

  “I do love it,” I say into his hair. He squeezes me tighter and I wish he would never let me go. “Thank you.”

  I feel his lips on the side of my head before he pulls away and looks at me. “It’s different with you. You know that, right? You said I flirt more now, but I’m never playing games when I’m with you.”

  He touches my hair. Pushes it behind my ears and I love the fact that he can hold me up with only one arm. “I know.” It sucks so bad to know that. To know he does care about me, and that he does see me as a best friend, but can still be with other girls and have a life separate from me, the way I have to with him. He talks to me about everything and wants to know every piece of my world. That doesn’t come around often. My parents were together since they were in high school and they didn’t have that. It should be freeing and make me float, but it doesn’t change anything. That’s what makes it harder and that’s what sucks.

  It’s not that I think Nathaniel loves me. I know no matter what he’ll be happy and he’ll live his life and do whatever it is he wants to do, but…I think he could love me. Actually, I know he could. I think we could be happy together. Even if we stayed just friends, there will always be this bond between us that no one can ever replace, but it doesn’t count when I know I’ll be so far away. That I’ll never have as much of him as I have during our summers ever again. Why would he come back when he isn’t with his family?

  “Good,” he whispers. “I really want to kiss you right now, Star Girl, but I don’t know if I should…I don’t want you to think I’m using you. I dated those other girls, but the second I see you, it’s like there’s no one else in the world, like there never has been anyone else.”

  I don’t think I will ever in my life hear words that fill me up so much. Pump me full of happiness the way what he just said does. It doesn’t make sense that I, Charlie Rae, could mean so much to someone like Nathaniel, but I trust him and know he always means what he says.

  So I don’t answer him. I don’t wait for him to kiss me. I kiss him instead.

  We move together quickly. This frenzied, messy kiss is filled with passion, bridging last summer and this summer and trying to wipe all the distance and time from between us. Our lips fight to make it disappear. Our tongues tasting and exploring to remember, so it feels like yesterday when our lips last met instead of nine months ago.

  He pulls me tighter against him as his mouth leaves mine. It trails down my neck, his rough voice saying, “Put your legs around me.”

  So I do and it feels bad and good at the same time. No, not bad, naughty, but then I remember he’s seen me without my shirt on and this is nothing compared to that. This is Nathaniel so it doesn’t matter. I’d trust anything with him.

  He walks, backing me up and I wonder where he’s going or why we’re not laying down, or standing still when he presses my body between a tree and him.

  “I don’t want to drop you.” His breath on my neck. “Not that you’re heavy.”

  And then we're laughing before he says, “I should have known you wouldn’t take it that way. Not you.” And then he’s kissing my throat and behind my ear and it’s crazy how one set of lips can feel so different than another. Lance’s touches didn’t affect me like this. If I was blind and deaf I would still know the difference between Nathaniel’s mouth and anyone else’s.

  “Why didn’t you just lie down on the blanket?” I drop my head back and then he’s laughing against my skin again.

  “Because I’m stupid and anxious and didn’t think about it.”

  He kisses me again and it’s a little slower this time. Still all passion and wonderful, but like we have a little more time. I play with the hair at the nape of his neck, and savor how he tastes and wish that I’d ne
ver kissed another guy since him and that he’d never touched any other girls.

  All too soon, the kisses stop, but he doesn’t pull away. “Does it make me an asshole if I say I hate Lance, even though I’ve never met him? Because I do.”

  “No, because I can’t stand Monica or Hailey.”

  I wonder how many people have this kind of honesty. If it’s normal to be able to just say what’s on your mind to the person you care about. Even though I’m not sure if he loves me, I know I could tell Nathaniel that I love him. Even if he didn’t feel the same, it wouldn’t change things and I think that’s kind of a miracle. Still, those are words I won’t let myself say. Not when I know I won’t leave The Village.

  “Do you wanna try your telescope?” he asks.

  I can’t stop the grin that pulls at my lips. I really, really don’t want to let go of him, but I want to look into infinity with him too.

  “I take that as a yes.”

  I unravel my legs from around him. Before he steps away, I touch the star at his throat. “Do they know anything about me?” It’s a stupid question to ask, but one I’m curious about. “I know they wouldn’t know details…but just that there is a girl name Charlotte out there, who knows you too?”

  I wonder if that question makes me sound weak, but I don’t think being honest makes people weak. It’s lies that do that.

  He touches my hair again and I like that it’s starting to be his thing with me. “Everyone knows about Charlotte from the lake. I wouldn’t hide you.”

  “I’m glad you’re here,” I tell him. He answers with a swift kiss to my lips before leading me to the blanket, where we explore the sky together.

  Dad has to take more breaks than he used to. He struggles with some of the same work, but we don’t talk about it. All of us pretend it’s not the case.

  For the next week I spend my days with Dad and Alec and my nights with Nathaniel. We don’t stay out late because we both need sleep and morning comes too quickly, but we have our time and there’s always kissing and there’s always talking which are two of my favorite things to do with him. He asks questions and makes jokes and he feels more like the Nathaniel from our first summer than our second. Not that I don't love them both.

  It sucks that so much of my time is now spent working, but then I think about Alec and how much freedom he’s sacrificing and I feel guilty. All that guilt is wiped away when I remember he, at least, gets paid to do it.

  My cell vibrates against my hip and without looking, I know its Nathaniel. I gave him my number and we spend a lot of our time texting. His parents seem to have realized Brandon’s out of the house next year, on a football scholarship, and have been out spending family time with them every day that they’ve been here so far.

  Pulling my cell out, I take a quick peek at it.

  FYI, I’m coming to talk to your dad.

  He’s coming to talk to my dad? I type out a quick question mark, but my reply is their car pulling up to their cabin. All four Chases climb out and Nathaniel looks toward me, the sun shining from behind him, and smiles.

  “Hey, Mr. Gates. Hey, Charlotte.” Nathaniel holds out his hand and my dad grudgingly shakes it.

  “How’s your summer going so far, Nathaniel?” Dad’s question surprises me. I’ve never really understood why he is so standoffish with Nathaniel, but we all know he is.

  “It’s going well. I go by Nate now, though.”

  The shovel falls out of my hand at that. I know last year his family started calling him Nate, but he didn’t like it. My mind flashes back to our Skype sessions, when Brandon or one of his friends would walk in. They all called him Nate.

  Bending over, I pick up the shovel, suddenly a little annoyed that he didn’t tell me. That maybe he’s wishing I called him something other than what I do.

  Nathaniel’s eyes dart toward mine, but then settle on my dad again. “I wanted to talk to you about helping Charlotte out around here sometimes. When I’m not out with my family, I’m always looking for something to do. I—”

  “That’s okay. I appreciate the offer, but it wouldn’t be right.” Dad’s voice sounds different. Not the annoyance he usually shows where Nathaniel (or Nate?) is concerned, almost regret.

  “With all due respect sir, I don’t see how it’s any different than Alec working. I’ve been around enough. I love it out here. A little extra money never hurts.”

  Dad sighs, making me turn to study him. See the beads of sweat on his forehead and the tiredness in his features. Suddenly, I want to cry. I didn’t cry when he was diagnosed or when Mom and Sadie left, but my eyes beg for release right now.

  “I can’t pay very much.”

  Those words mean so much more than anything else he’s said or done because last summer, he never would have said them. He never would have considered letting Nathaniel help out. He would have been too proud. What does it mean that he’s not too proud anymore?

  “I don’t need much. It really just gives me something to do and a little spending money.”

  That we both know he doesn’t need.

  “Your parents okay with it?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  Dad nods, and the expression on his face almost looks like it says, thank you. I wipe my eyes, realizing a tear broke free. I need it gone, not wanting him to know that I see what’s going on. That already he worries about how much he can handle. Are things progressing faster than we thought? Is he having a harder time then he admits?

  Is he going to need me even more?

  “We’ll fill out some papers later, okay? If you want to help Charlie out now, I’d really appreciate it.”

  Just like that, Dad is gone and Nathaniel starts working with us.

  “Do you want me to call you Nate?” I ask Nathaniel as we sit by the old fort. I’m not sure why we came out here tonight. It’s much easier to stick to the lake, but I didn’t bring my scope, and I always feel like we’re more alone out here.

  We’re lying on the blanket. I’m on my back, Nathaniel on his side, leaning on his elbow, his other hand on my stomach. I love how we just fell into this easy closeness. Both last year and the year before we had this awkward time where neither of us could get it together. It’s part of being older I guess.

  “Why do you ask that? Because of what I told your dad today?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I want you to call me whatever you want to. Whatever comes naturally. It really doesn’t matter either way.” Leaning forward, he kisses my forehead. “Nate and Nathaniel are the same person.”

  “I wish Charlotte and Charlie were,” I blurt out and then immediately want the words back.

  “They are. Charlie wants the same things Charlotte does.”

  “I know. And I do. I don’t think I did two years ago.”

  “It’s wild that I’ve been coming here for three years. You had that deer in the headlights look the first time I saw you. Then you looked a little sick and I was scared you were going to puke on me.”

  “Shut up!” I push him, but he laughs and grabs me. Rolls with me until I’m on top of him.

  “I still thought you were hot.”

  Hmm, I think I could get used to hearing that. “You did not.”

  “I thought you were cute and I was intrigued by you. One look at you, Charlotte, and I knew there was something different about you. You weren’t like any other girls I knew. You were like this mixture of badass and…”

  “Lost,” I fill in for him.

  “Nope. You know your way. You just need to take it.”

  At the thought of what he’s suggesting, I groan and roll off him, missing the feel of his body. “He’s worse, Nathaniel. Something’s going on he’s not telling me about, or he's scared or something. He wouldn’t have let you help if that wasn’t the case.”

  Nathaniel moves and sits up next to me. “I hate that, Star Girl. It fucking sucks, but…it’s not your fault. You shouldn’t sacrifice your whole life because of it.”

  Now I push to m
y feet, walking over to stand next to the creek. Words rattle around in my head, but I can’t make sense of them so I don’t say anything. Instead I look up to the sky.

  “What is it about stars that you love so much?” he asks.

  That answer comes quickly. “Because they’re infinite. They’re miracles, and anything is possible when you look out into the massive space that goes on and on.” Because I want that. I want to explore and see what’s out there and feel as free as those stars in the sky.

  “You can have that. You deserve it. Alec loves it here. He’s a bastard, but he’s like family to you. He can stay.”

  “Don’t,” I shake my head.

  “Char—”

  “I can’t do this with you. Not right now, okay? I just…I just want to be with you right now.”

  His arms wrap around me and pull me close. “I don’t mean to push. And I definitely want to be with you, too.”

  When he kisses me, I forget everything else. It’s like my stars times a million. He makes me forget how things are. Forget what I’ve lost, and how I’m scared that, without him, I’ll always feel as alone as I do when he’s not here.

  Nate works with us at least a couple days a week. It’s not all day, but it’s enough that we get to see each other a lot more which, according to him, was the whole reason he brought it up to Dad.

  It’s hard being with him in the daytime and not having the same kind of relationship that we have during our nights. No kisses, no touches. We talk about things that don’t matter, and even though he doesn’t flirt back, I’ve to see girls hit on him. And I have to remember that I’m the one who wanted it this way. That when he started working with us, I didn’t want to deal with Dad or Alec or anyone else so I pushed to keep anything that’s more than friendly to our nights.

  Easier said than done.

  The other day I sprayed a girl from my school with a hose and then had to pretend it was an accident. I’ve never been so mortified in my life, and all Nate did was pull me behind a building and whisper in my ear. “I want everyone to know you’re mine, too. Just so you know.”