What a Country

by Paul Kirby

“Alright, Joe boy?” asked Ron.

  “Yeah, not bad, Ron, thanks. I got something to tell ya!” said Dell.

  “Well, I got news for you too,” Ron said.

  “Ah yeah, what’s that then?”

  “Well, Chrissie and Harry are livin’ over here now at her parents.’” Ron was pleased with himself for getting the information off his missus without suspicion.

  “Well, I did half suspect that, mate, to be honest,” said Dell, rather taking the wind out of Ron’s sails.

  “Yeah, and what’s more they’re coming over to the UK with her old man for the one-hundred-year commemoration at the Legion her dad’s president of.”

  “Ah, nice one, Ron, that’s f**kin’ brilliant, mate, well done. I can go in and have the surprise meeting. Does Liz know you spoke to me?” asked Dell, excited by what he’d just heard.

  “No, don’t be silly, mate. I wouldn’t let on, but I thought you’d be pleased to know. Anyway, what did you want to tell me?”

  “Ah, nothing, really. Well done, Ron, that’s the news I wanted to hear. I’m so pleased, mate, you’ve made my day, Ronnie, my son!”

  “No, go on, what did you wanna tell me? We’re on the phone now, so you might as well,” Ron encouraged.

  “Okay. Do you remember an Old Bill called Butler?” Dell asked.

  “Err, not really. Why’s that?”

  “He was local filth but now he’s with the Yard. Well, he turned up in the pub yesterday with another muppet called Wilson, trying to be all friendly, but he wants to do a bit of business with me.”

  “Oh yeah? What sort of business?”

  “Dunno, but he said it would be worth my while.”

  “Well, just you be careful, son! Remember what I said. They still come at ya. Different face, different name, but still the same ol’ game.”

  “Yeah, well, I’ve taken all that on board and have a plan myself, Ron. I ain’t about to fall for their old tricks, mate,” Dell said, more serious than ever.

  “Yeah, I know you’re nobody’s fool, Joe, but, like I said, make sure you tread careful,” was Ron’s equally serious reply.

  “Don’t you worry. I intend to. Anyway, thanks for that bit of information. You don’t know how happy you’ve made me, mate!” exclaimed Dell.

  “Oh yeah, and don’t forget when they come over, her mum and dad are gonna be there too,” Ron reminded him.

  “Yeah, well, they never liked me anyway. In fact, they are, or were, the best part of my problem in the first place.”

  “You must remember that boy’s your son, not theirs. You do what you gotta do and go careful, ‘cause I wanna see you over here and soon,” said Ron.

  “I will, Ron, even more so now you’ve told me that. Thanks, Ron, I’m most grateful.”

  “Yeah, I know you are. Take care, my son,” Ron said sincerely.

  “Will do, Ron, and you, mate. Thanks again,” said Dell, hanging up the phone.

  As Dell put the phone down on the kitchen worktop, he stood there for a moment and sighed a deep sigh. He felt so many emotions at once. Elation, excitement, and for once he actually felt he needed to be loved. This was it. He was going to plan the chance meeting with his estranged son he so longed for. He felt bulletproof. This was the news he’d been waiting for. Forget Butler and what he had in mind. Joey Dell had something else in mind and Tommy Butler wasn’t going to ruin this one chance.

  “Fuck him!” said Dell out loud in the kitchen of his apartment. “I’m gonna see the boy, my Harry, and no c**t’s gonna stop me! Fuck ‘em. Fuck ‘em, lah diddly dee, no more rascal’s life for me,” he sang as he danced round his kitchen. Dell all of a sudden was one happy man.

  Whatever Butler had in mind for Dell, Dell didn’t care. Nothing was going to stop his reunion with his son and if Dell thought Butler would get in the way, he would have to go, Dell told himself. Perhaps he was a little too excited, but there was no getting away from it, if that’s how he felt. Good luck, Mr. Butler, because this boy wasn’t here to f**k spiders. Dell wallowed in his excitement for the rest of the day. He cracked open a few cans and decided he wasn’t going to leave the premises. He wanted to savour this moment and get as much out of it as he possibly could. This was his moment and he was going to cherish it. There was just over a month to go and he had plenty of time to think it out. He didn’t want to ruin his chance. As Terry’s old man went down to that Legion, happy days, he would get Tel to go with him and it would look like a normal Memorial Sunday.

  Of course another little firm had rather different ideas for that place.

  If Joey Dell thought this was going to be a happy reunion, he’d better think again.

  Chapter 26

  Gerry had sold out of his most profitable merchandise and was awaiting another delivery of his precious goods: two kilos of Columbia’s finest and purest cocaine just waiting to be turned into crack. But of course he didn’t know there just happened to be another mob, dressed in blue, waiting just as eagerly to get their grubby little hands on the delivery. Only this lot weren’t going to pay for it. But first, they wanted Gerry to sample the merchandise. After that, he would be very vulnerable. Gerry hadn’t become complacent by any means. The cocaine was only intended to be in his house long enough for him to complete the manufacture. He’d just gotten unlucky in getting caught up in the crossfire between terrorism and government.

  Gerry sat back after sniffing a great big line of the substance and as the drug took hold, there came a dreaded knock on his front door that had the familiar rat-a-tat of the police. Before he had a chance to move, let alone to get up and answer it, the door was smashed off its hinges and the nasty sound of lots of size twelve boots and loud voices filled Gerry’s home and scared the life out of the poor man. Before Gerry knew it, his house was filled with police officers running amok, swarming all over the place like a plague of rats. What could he do? He was caught red-handed. He was shaking like a leaf, frightened to death, and completely overcome.

  Shit. That’s it. I’ve had it, thought Gerry as he sat frozen with fear at the dining table. He stared at the mayhem around him as his place, not to mention his world, was completely turned upside down. This is down to them Durleys.

  The illegal parcel of two kilos of the purest cocaine was sitting on the table for all to see, so why was his home being wrecked? The officers kept on turning the place upside down, looking for God knows what while placing various items into large plastic bags and carting them outside into an waiting van. Eventually handcuffs were put on him and he was also carted off, having not said a word. He was too off his nut to say anything at this point and frightened out of his wits.

  A confused and devastated Gerry stood handcuffed in front of the desk sergeant and the first words he said were his name and date of birth. For Gerry that was hard to work out as the effects of the cocaine were still as strong now as they were when he had first sniffed it. He stared vacantly into the face of the desk sergeant in a complete daze, but he finally managed, “Please don’t put me in a cell. I can’t handle that right now.”

  “Sorry, Sir, but I’m afraid we’re going to have to,” replied the sergeant.

  “Really? Can’t you spare me that? I’ll be cooperative,” stammered Gerry.

  “Well, we can’t interview you in your condition now, can we?” said the man as he looked up at Gerry while at the same time trying to fill out the paperwork in front of him.

  “Please, I’ll tell you everything. Just don’t lock me up in this condition.”

  The sergeant threw him a disgusted look. “Oh, I’m sure you will, Mr. Funnel. But first you’ll have to sleep it off, won’t you?”

  Gerry was almost in tears. “Sleep? Your jokin’, aren’t ya? I can’t sleep. I won’t be able to do that for ages.”

  “Well, you’ll just have to deal with it, won’t you, Sir? You should have thought about that before, sho
uldn’t you?”

  How right he was and how Gerry wished he hadn’t sampled the goods. Not only was he in big trouble with the law, he was also in big trouble with his state of mind. This had turned into his biggest nightmare ever. Once an officer had read him his rights, Gerry was thrown into a cell to see through his nightmare.

  In the meantime, Butler was told of Gerry’s incarceration and received the news with great glee. Now he could get on the move and Gerry was going to have the delight of a little visit from Scotland Yard once he had come back down to earth.

  Chapter 27

  Over at Wandsworth on remand was an equally panicked Bart Durley. He hadn’t been there a week yet, and already he had been placed on suicide watch as he kept suffering panic attack after panic attack. The prison officers weren’t convinced one little bit, otherwise he’d have been put in the prison hospital. His father was behaving in a similar fashion. The pair made a specially odious duo and even on the sex offenders’ wing the inmates despised them. It didn’t seem to matter where these two went, they were always disliked. Now they were marked men into the bargain. Neither man would mix with other prisoners and both were reluctant to leave their cells. They thought themselves too good. But fortunately for the Durleys, Knipe was working tirelessly behind the scenes to get them bailed. He actually succeeded and at their first bail hearing the pair was released. All in all, they had only to spend a week in custody, but that was more than enough for both of them. To hear them talk once they were out, you would have thought they were a pair of proper old lags.

  Rita, for one, was not very happy about her husband’s release, having enjoyed the most blissful week of her life. Now he was out of prison and the pair of them had been put on a tag, which meant Dick had to be in the house by six every night as part of his bail conditions. This was too much for Rita and as she’d been unhappy being married to Dick for years, now she decided she would leave him for her taxi driver. This suited both Rita and Ifty, but it certainly didn’t suit Dick. Bart was far from happy about the situation. He decided to distance himself from his mother and the pair’s relationship would never be the same again.

  Bart’s missus had once again fallen for his lies and she decided to stand by her man. She was so blind she believed everything he told her.

  Rita’s departure from the marital home had a devastating effect on Dick. He began to feel even lower than he had when in prison and the fact that his wife had left him for another man added insult to injury. Never mind all the misery he had caused his wife and all those poor kids over the years. As usual Dick just thought of himself. How was he going to cope on his own and, if he was forbidden from going out after six, what was he going to do? Even Bart couldn’t keep him company as he was bailed to his own home address under the same conditions. He put his head in his hands and wept.

  Chapter 28

  After spending all day climbing the walls of his cell, Gerry was slowly coming back down and fully expected to be joining the Durleys in the next day or two.

  After Gerry had spent a few hours stewing and pulling his hair out, his cell door opened and an officer asked, “Gerry Funnel?”

  “Yeah, that’s me,” said a wary Gerry.

  “Good. Someone wants to see you,” said the officer, leading him out of the cell and into the corridor. He took Gerry’s arm and led him into a room with a table and a chair on either side of it. Gerry thought this a bit odd as it looked like an interview room for just two people. He was told to sit down and wait. Gerry did as instructed and sat at the table facing the door and watched the officer leave the room. Gerry was left alone and now was as nervous as hell. Then the door opened and he got the shock of his life. Tommy Butler entered and sat on the chair at the opposite side of the table.

  “Evening, Gerry. Got ourselves in a little bit of trouble now, haven’t we?”

  “Hello, Mr. Butler. Just a little bit. Who grassed me?”

  “Nobody, Gerry. You should learn to keep better company or you wouldn’t be in this mess,” replied Butler.

  “What do you mean? Is it the Durleys you’re on about?” asked Gerry.

  “Who are they? They’re no one, my son, but you have been keeping company with a couple of very unsavoury characters, haven’t you?”

  “Don’t know, have I? Like who?”

  “Never you mind, but let me tell you something of great importance for your future. If you listen to what I have to say and comply, we could keep this situation of yours very quiet and if you’re a very good boy, we might even lose that two kilos of Columbian for ya. If you’re a good boy, that is, Gerry. What do you say?” asked Butler.

  This was music to Gerry’s ears, but first he had to hear what Butler had to say.

  “I’m listening, Mr. Butler. Go on. I’m all ears.”

  “Well, Gerry, this pleasant and reasonably safe community of ours is under threat of being disturbed somewhat and it’s my job to keep it nice and safe and peaceful. Do you follow me?”

  “Yeah, I understand, but who or what is threatening our community?”

  “Well, I am not at liberty to disclose that information as of yet, but in order for me to keep our community safe from harm, I am going to need some cooperation from a few little toe rags like yourself, Funnel,” Butler explained.

  “Well, if I don’t know who is threatening our peace and safety, how the hell can I help, Mr. Butler?”

  “Let’s start with your old mate Joey Dell. I want as much information on him as possible so I can control him like a puppet,” said Butler as he leaned toward Gerry with a menacing look.

  “Shut up! Dell? I don’t know anything about him, Mr. Butler,” cried Gerry. “He dropped me out of his firm ages ago. Anyway, since he came out of the shovel, he’s been keeping his nose clean. Alright, there was that boating accident, and I think that put the wind up him.”

  “Put the wind up him, don’t be so fucking daft. Nothing puts the wind up Joey Dell, I can tell ya. Everyone knows he’s the main man this side of London. In fact, he’s probably the top dog in the whole of bloody London,” said Butler through gritted teeth, banging his fist firmly on the table.

  “Alright, Mr. Butler, calm down. I think you might have got that wrong. He don’t do anything. Anyway, I’ve heard he wants to get back with his ex-old woman and play the family man,” said Gerry, now sweating up a bit.

  Butler continued, “Well, you can be compliant or defiant, but let me tell you, the latter will hurt you more than it will hurt me. So the choice is yours, Mr. Funnel. I’ll give you a bit of time to think about it. But it’s down to you, my son. We ain’t having our backs put against the wall.”

  Gerry sat there and thought for a while after he was left alone. If Tommy Butler of the Yard was taking the case over, this was a serious situation. He concluded cooperation was his only option. He wasn’t the only one left with his thoughts. Butler went to make himself a cup of tea. Dell, family man, what is this prick talking about? As the kettle was on the boil, Butler suddenly had a humanitarian thought and went back to the room where he’d left Gerry.

  “You fancy a cuppa, Funnel?”

  “Ooh, yes, please, Mr. Butler,” replied Gerry, who was on the rough end of a comedown. He needed something to pull himself back from his irritable state. He realised there could be a deal on the table and he certainly didn’t want to blow probably the last chance he would ever get.

  Butler, in a one-off compassionate moment, asked, “What you fancy? Tea or coffee and how do you want it?”

  Gerry was completely astonished at even being offered a bit of refreshment from the notoriously unaccommodating Butler, let alone being given a choice.

  “Tea, three sugars, please, Mr. Butler.”

  “Yeah, no worries, Gerry. You continue having a little think to yourself and I’ll be back in a sec.”

  Gerry thought about Dell the family man and about the position he was now i
n. What the fuck did he know about Dell since his release? There really was only one thing to say. Butler returned with two cups of tea, one for himself and a nice sweet one for Gerry, who was craving something and it wasn’t tea, but for now that would have to do.

  “There you go, Gerry, now let’s get down to business,” said Butler with a smile. Gerry thought, Bloody hell, it was Funnel a minute ago, now it’s Gerry. Best I listen and listen good. This sounds a bit too good to be true. This just didn’t add up and all of a sudden Butler seemed almost human.

  “Right then, my son. What can you tell me about Dell?” asked Butler as he sipped his tea. “Let me remind you, you are in a very tricky situation. A very tricky situation indeed and you could end up with a very long stretch. Now, do you want to play ball or get banged up for the foreseeable future with a load of Islamic fanatics and Eastern Europeans who would make the next few years an absolute bloody misery for you? Or would you rather work with me for a brighter future for yourself and all the rest of us?”

  “Well, of course I would, but I don’t follow you, Mr. Butler.” He was confused. What did Butler mean, all of us? What is he trying to get at? “Okay then, Mr. Butler. If you want me to tell you what I know, I want some sort of guarantee that whatever I say is going to remain here with us and no way can it ever get out that I’ve been cooperating with you. Please, Mr. Butler, if it ever got out that I’ve talked, I’m a dead man and you know it!”

  At this point, a presumptuous Butler produced two legal documents, one for himself and one for Gerry, that gave the prisoner total immunity from prosecution if they both agreed to the terms and signed it.

  “Shouldn’t I have my brief here to look this over?” asked Gerry just before he put pen to paper.

  “Yeah, you could do, but for one, this is an agreement between me and you and it might take a good few hours before your legal man gets here. Now, in your state, do you really want that?” asked Butler.

  Gerry paused as he browsed over the papers and tried to take it all in.