A Welcome at Our Door

by Amy Clipston

  “Can we talk?”

  Cindy grimaced. “Did Florence send you?”

  “No.” Priscilla stepped into the room and closed the door behind her. “Everyone thinks I just went to use the bathroom, but I wanted to come find you too.” She crossed the room and sat on a chair across from Cindy’s bed. “You told me at church that you would talk to me soon. How about now?”

  “If I tell you, you must promise me you’ll never tell anyone.”

  Priscilla hesitated, but then nodded. “I promise.”

  “I mean it, Priscilla. You can’t even tell Mark. Do you understand?”

  “Ya, I do.”

  As Cindy looked into Priscilla’s sympathetic eyes, she felt her heart crack open, and all her emotions poured out. She needed someone she trusted to listen to her, and Priscilla was just the person.

  Cindy told Priscilla everything—starting with the day she met Drew and ending with her visit with him the night before. With tears dripping down her cheeks, she shared how she’d disagreed with her father and Laura about Drew. She even shared that she had hugged Drew, and that he’d kissed her cheek.

  Priscilla’s chestnut eyes rounded, and her mouth dropped open several times as Cindy spoke. When Cindy finished her story, she held her breath, awaiting her sister-in-law’s assessment of her secret.

  “Cindy,” Priscilla began, “I’m not sure what to say.” She leaned forward and rested her elbows on her thighs. “You’ve been meeting him in secret for a couple of weeks now?”

  “Right.” Cindy sniffed and wiped her eyes. “I almost came undone sitting downstairs listening to Karen’s wedding plans when I can’t even invite Drew here for supper. He can’t be a part of our family like you are. I won’t ever be able to attend church with him or have Thanksgiving dinner with him. We can’t be together, and it’s slowly ripping me apart.”

  Priscilla gasped. “You love him.”

  Cindy opened her mouth and closed it as confusion swamped her. “I’m not sure, but I might. Laura accused me of it.”

  Priscilla rubbed at her forehead. “Cindy, do you know what this means? If you choose him over the church, you’ll lose your family. This will crush your dat and your siblings.”

  “I know that.” Cindy’s voice sounded thick to her own ears as more tears filled her eyes and then spilled over.

  Priscilla handed her a tissue from the box on the nightstand. “Cindy, do you want to be Amish?”

  “I don’t know.” Cindy wiped her eyes and then her nose. “I feel so lost. I’ve felt this way since I lost mei mamm. I love my family, but I’m not sure I belong here. Isn’t that how you felt when you came back?”

  Priscilla sighed. “Ya, it is.”

  “But you still confessed and came back to the church.”

  “Well, I had Ethan to consider,” Priscilla said, referring to her eight-and-a-half-year-old son from her previous relationship. “I had no choice if I wanted to stay in mei dat’s haus. And then the bishop forced me to marry your bruder, we fell in love, and it all worked out. But my situation was so different from yours.” She paused. “Why have you not joined the church yet?”

  Cindy shook her head. “I don’t know. I wasn’t ready before mei mamm died. Then when she passed, I felt so lost and confused.” She opened her mouth to say that she didn’t understand God’s will, but she couldn’t admit she had questions about God’s decision to take Mamm. That was sinful and against her religion, and she didn’t want Priscilla to know, at least not now. She could share that secret only with Drew.

  “What is God telling you?”

  Cindy looked down at her quilt and ran her fingers over the stitching as she considered her recent prayers. “I feel God’s presence in my life. I’ve been praying and begging him to show me a sign. All I know is that I care about Drew, and I can’t let him go. When I stayed away from him, I was miserable.”

  “You’re definitely in love.” Priscilla cringed. “Keep asking God to guide your path. This is a huge decision.”

  “I know that.” She took a deep, shuddering breath. “And I’ve been praying harder and harder every night. If he’s answering me, I’m not hearing it.”

  “Why Drew? Why not someone in our community?”

  “Do you think I planned this?” Irritation bubbled to the surface in Cindy. “I never in a million years would have thought I’d have feelings for an Englisher. None of this was intentional.”

  “I understand.” Priscilla’s expression warmed slightly. “I didn’t think I’d ever meet anyone who would love me after I came back to the community with Ethan. Your bruder was the last man I ever would have considered marrying, but then the bishop forced us to marry, and it was the best thing that could have happened to Ethan and me. God’s plans are never our plans, and his path for us isn’t always one we would consider. But I’ve never been happier in my life.”

  “I know.” Cindy nodded and wiped at fresh tears. “And that’s what I want. I want the happiness you and Mark have. I want what Jamie and Kayla have and what Laura and Allen have. But I don’t see that happening for me unless I can be with Drew.”

  Priscilla’s expression hardened again. “You have to realize that life isn’t always better on the outside. I know, because I’ve been there. I’ve experienced what it’s like to leave.”

  “But I’ll have Drew in my life. I need him.”

  “Cindy,” Priscilla began, “listen to me. When I left the church, I was certain it was for gut. I said I’d never come back. But when I did, I realized how much I missed my mother, the community, and the faith. If you leave and marry him, it will be much more difficult for you to come back. I had mei mamm, but I wasn’t close to mei dat. Your family is much bigger than mine, and this is a much bigger sacrifice. You’re close to your siblings and your nieces and nephews. Are you prepared to leave all of us behind for Drew?”

  Cindy stared at Priscilla as a sob gripped her and then spilled out. Her heart fractured into a million pieces as Priscilla pulled her into her arms.

  “Ach, mei liewe. Shh. We’ll figure this out somehow.” Priscilla’s voice was soft next to her ear. “God will get you through this.” She drew back and handed Cindy another tissue from the box beside her.

  “Danki.” Cindy dabbed the tears on her cheeks. “Please don’t tell Mark about this.”

  “Don’t worry, Cindy. You can trust me.” Priscilla squeezed her hand. “I need to get going before someone comes looking for me. You need to think about everything I said. Don’t make any decisions you might regret later. I left the community in search of a better life and someone who loved me, and I went through some really, really tough spots. I don’t regret having Ethan, but I suffered with his dat. You might think leaving the community will solve all your problems, but sometimes it creates ones much worse.”

  An ice-cold disquiet filled Cindy’s chest.

  Priscilla crossed to the door and then looked back at her. “Why don’t you come downstairs? It might cheer you up to spend some time with Adam and Annie.”

  Cindy nodded. “I’ll be down in a bit.”

  After Priscilla left, she lay back on her pillow as her sister-in-law’s advice filtered through her mind. She wanted to believe leaving was the wrong choice, but deep in her heart she felt certain that Drew should be part of her life, no matter how she’d have to make that possible.

  * * *

  Later that afternoon, Cindy sat with Annie curled up on her chest while she rocked her on the porch. Soft noises came from the baby’s mouth as she sucked her thumb and hummed to herself. While her family continued to discuss Roy and Karen’s wedding at length, Cindy closed her eyes and lost herself in the warm September air, coupled with the sounds coming from her sweet niece.

  “Hey, Cindy.” Mark’s voice brought her back to reality. “Would you please carry Annie to the buggy for me? Priscilla has Adam, and I’m carrying all our gear.” He had a diaper bag over his arm and gripped a double stroller with a portable crib balanced on top.

&nb
sp; Everyone had assumed Mark would be a bachelor until he was at least forty, but Cindy couldn’t help but think how well fatherhood suited her formerly flirtatious brother.

  “Ya, of course.” She looked behind him. “Where is Priscilla?”

  “She and Ethan are saying good-bye to everyone inside.” Mark’s expression became more serious. “I thought you and I could talk at the buggy for a minute.”

  “Oh.” Despite the warm weather, Cindy felt a shiver climbing up her back. Had Priscilla shared their earlier conversation with Mark? If so, would Mark threaten to tell Dat unless she promised to stay away from Drew?

  Her worries continued as she followed Mark to the waiting horse and buggy. She tapped her foot and chewed her lower lip while he loaded all his burdens into the back of the buggy.

  “Sometimes I wonder if the bishop would allow parents of zwillingbopplin to drive pickup trucks,” Mark quipped. “Or maybe I just need to put a trailer on the buggy when we travel.”

  Cindy tried to force a laugh, but it sounded more like a squeak. Annie sighed and adjusted herself in her arms.

  Mark leaned back against the buggy and faced her. “You looked upset earlier, and Priscilla said she talked to you. How are you feeling?”

  She held back a wince. Why had she trusted Priscilla with her deepest secrets? Priscilla was a dutiful wife, so she probably felt obligated to tell Mark what she and Cindy had discussed. Now Cindy had to face the consequences of her actions. She should have known it would come to this.

  She forced her voice to remain casual. “I’m all right.”

  He rubbed his light-brown beard. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “I feel better now. I got it all out earlier. Priscilla is a great listener.” She looked down at Annie and kissed her little head.

  “I know it’s been hard for you since we lost Mamm. It’s been hard for all of us, but you can always talk to me. Like I told you the night before I moved out, I’ll still be here whenever you need me. I live a few miles away, but you can always call the horse farm or come by to visit me.” His blue eyes seemed to plead with her, begging her to allow him to be a part of her life.

  And then it hit her—Priscilla hadn’t betrayed her trust, at least not yet. Mark believed Cindy was crying because she missed Mamm. Cindy didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. Relief washed over her, but then shame raised its ugly head. She was using her mother to deflect the truth. She was a sinner.

  “You should know Jamie, Laura, and I will always help you when you need us. You’re still our baby sister, and you always will be,” he continued, oblivious to her inner turmoil.

  “Danki.” She looked over her shoulder as Priscilla headed their way carrying Adam. Ethan ambled beside her.

  “There you are, Cindy,” Priscilla said. “I was looking for you so I could say good-bye.”

  As Mark took Annie from Cindy’s arms to snap her into her car seat, Cindy turned to Priscilla.

  “Everything will work out,” Priscilla said softly after Ethan had climbed into the buggy. “And your secrets are safe with me.”

  “I’m so glad you’re mei schweschder,” Cindy told her.

  Priscilla’s expression grew serious. “Just remember to pray and think about what I said. Don’t make any quick decisions you might regret for the rest of your life.”

  “Okay.” Cindy waited until Mark and his family were all in the buggy, and then she waved as they drove away.

  As she walked back to the house, she tried to calm her thrashing heartbeat. She believed Priscilla would do her best to keep her promise. But she was worried Mark and his usual uncanny intuition would eventually convince Priscilla to share everything Cindy had told her about Drew. That would be only the beginning of the trouble she’d face, but she didn’t know how to prevent it without giving up Drew, and she couldn’t do that.

  * * *

  “We had a lovely visit today, didn’t we?” Florence asked as Cindy entered the kitchen after saying good-bye to everyone.

  “Ya, we did.” Cindy gathered the mugs from the table and carried them to the sink. She was washing the last one and Florence was wiping down the table when Sarah Jane waltzed in.

  “Sarah Jane!” Florence exclaimed. “How was youth group?”

  “Wunderbaar.” Sarah Jane danced around the kitchen before coming to a stop next to Cindy. “I have exciting news. Remember how I told you I like Anthony Zook?”

  “Ya.” Florence’s eyes lit up as she folded her hands together.

  “He wants to ask Vernon if he can date me!” Sarah Jane squealed as she twirled again.

  “Oh, that is so fantastic!” Florence gushed. “I can’t wait to meet him.”

  “I’m thrilled! He’s so handsome and kind. He works for his dat’s plumbing business. He’s really tall too.” She sighed and then looked at Cindy. “You should come to youth group with me! Anthony has a younger bruder your age. You would like him. He’s a plumber too!”

  Cindy swallowed, and her throat felt like sandpaper. Were they really going to have this argument again?

  “Oh, this is the best news!” Florence dropped her dishcloth on the table and hugged Sarah Jane. “Maybe we’ll be planning your wedding next.”

  Bile rose in Cindy’s throat as she turned back to the sink. She was tired of being the odd person out, the misfit in the Riehl family. She was ready to have her own life. Priscilla had warned her that she might regret leaving the community, but at this very moment, that sounded like the best solution of all.

  Then she recalled the worry and empathy in Mark’s eyes when he spoke to her earlier. How could she abandon her siblings? They cared about her.

  She barely restrained a sigh. When would she finally know where she truly belonged? She couldn’t go on like this much longer.

  fourteen

  Cindy knocked on Drew’s door a few minutes before midnight. When she didn’t receive a response, she knocked again. She turned toward the Lapps’ house, and something caught her eye in one of the second-floor windows. Was that a light? No, it couldn’t be. Gertrude and Ervin must be asleep by now.

  Hugging her arms to her middle, Cindy lifted her hand to knock again. It was late, too late to wake Drew, but as much as she’d tried to stay away from him tonight, just to see if she could do it for the sake of her family, she couldn’t stop herself.

  When Cindy knocked a third time, Bruce barked twice, and then footfalls sounded beyond the door. The door opened, and Drew stood there, his light-brown hair tousled and his ice-blue eyes hooded.

  “Hi.” He smiled as he rubbed his eyes and yawned. “I was wondering if you were going to come. I fell asleep on the sofa while I was waiting for you.”

  “I’m sorry for waking you up.” She made a sweeping gesture toward the street. “I should go.”

  “No, no, no.” He opened the screen door and grabbed her hand, nudging her inside the house. “Come in.” He tilted his head. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing.” She shook her head. “We can talk another time.”

  “Cindy.” He touched her cheek. “You’re here now. Talk to me.”

  Closing her eyes, Cindy leaned into his touch. If only she could enjoy his company and affection in the open for the rest of the world to see.

  “Did something happen today?” His voice seemed to hold a thread of worry.

  She nodded.

  “Let’s sit and talk.”

  She stepped over the threshold, and Drew closed the door behind him. She allowed him to steer her to the sofa, where they sat angled toward each other.

  “Now, please tell me what happened,” he said.

  She took a deep breath and then recounted listening to Karen’s wedding plans, her conversation with Priscilla in her bedroom, and then her conversation with Mark. Drew listened, his eyes sympathetic as she worked to keep her wits about her.

  “To make matters worse, Sarah Jane came home and told us she met someone at youth group, and that he’s going to ask mei dat’s permission to
date her. She said I should come to youth group and meet his brother.” She sighed. “She thinks I should join the church and then date this man. Why would I do that? Why would I want to date the brother of her future boyfriend?”

  Something flickered over Drew’s face. Was it jealousy? Or maybe disgust?

  “I just kept thinking about how unfair it is that I can’t invite you to join our family gatherings,” she continued. “You’ll never sit with me at mei dat’s table. We’ll never attend church together. You can never be a true part of my family, and it’s not fair. I feel like I’m trapped, and I don’t know what to do.”

  “Have you prayed about it?”

  She nodded. “I pray all the time, and God keeps leading me back to you. When I pray for his guidance, I feel this overwhelming need to see you.”

  He studied her, and then something new flashed over his expression. Was it understanding? Or maybe angst? She wasn’t certain.

  And then, like a pinprick to her heart, Cindy realized Laura and Priscilla were right. As she looked into Drew’s kind, gleaming eyes, she knew she was in love with him. For the first time in her life, she’d fallen in love—and she was helpless to change her heart or circumstances. Drew would never be anything more than a secret friend and confidant unless Cindy left the community for him.

  Drew trailed his fingers down her cheek, and she shivered at his touch. “I feel God leading me to you as well.”

  He leaned forward, and her breath hitched in her lungs. His lips moved closer to hers, and she closed her eyes, her heart pounding as she prepared for her first kiss.

  Just as Drew’s lips were about to make contact, a knock sounded on the door.

  Cindy’s heart galloped as an icy fear gripped her.

  “Hide,” Drew whispered, his eyes wide as he pointed to the room beyond the kitchen. “Go now!”

  She leapt to her feet and rushed to the room he’d indicated. Bruce trotted beside her, his tongue hanging out as if this were a game. She stepped into his bedroom, leaving the door slightly ajar as she pressed herself against a wall.

  Bruce leaned his rump against her legs as he gazed up at her, his big eyes begging for her attention. She held her finger to her lips to ask him to stay quiet as she heard the front door open.