A Welcome at Our Door

by Amy Clipston

  Cindy lifted her mug and then pushed her plate of cookies to the middle of the table. “I have sewing I need to finish.” She looked at Priscilla and Laura. “Be safe going home.”

  Then she set her mug in the sink and headed up the stairs, where she sat down at her sewing table and stared at her machine. Her sisters’ words rolled over her, but she felt only resolve. She was going to marry Drew, and her family couldn’t stop her.

  “Cindy.”

  She spun to see Priscilla standing in her doorway. She pressed her hand to her chest and worked to slow her breathing.

  “I’m sorry for startling you.” Priscilla held up her hand. “I’m not here to lecture you. You’ve heard enough from everyone else.” She stepped into the room. “I just want to tell you I don’t want you to leave the community, but I know what it’s like when love takes you by surprise. When I fell in love with your bruder, I had tried to put a cover over my heart and keep everyone out. Your bruder was the last man I ever wanted to trust, but he turned out to be one of God’s greatest gifts to me.”

  Cindy nodded. “I know you two love each other very much.”

  Priscilla sat down on the chair across from her. “I just want you to really think about what it means to marry outside of the community. The Englisher world is much colder and lonelier than our community. You won’t have the support system we have now. You won’t have people looking after you the way you’re used to. If you need help, you can’t just go next door and ask your neighbor to help you.” She paused and took a deep breath. “You know Ethan’s dat abused me. You’ve seen my scars from his violence. When I was going through that, I had nowhere to turn for help. Is that the world where you want to raise your kinner?”

  “Drew and I have each other. It won’t be that way for us.”

  Priscilla looked down at the lap of her red dress and then back at Cindy. “Mark is really upset. He blames himself.”

  “Why would he blame himself for my decision?”

  “He’s one of your older bruders, and he feels like he wasn’t as supportive as he should have been when your mamm died.”

  Cindy shook her head. “Tell him this has nothing to do with him.”

  “I will.” Priscilla reached over and touched Cindy’s hand. “I know everyone is angry, and they’re all blaming Drew. But I can see the love in your eyes when you talk about him, and Mark can too. Just know you and Drew will always receive a welcome at our door.”

  Cindy smiled with appreciation, and she leaned forward and hugged her sister-in-law. “Danki, Priscilla.”

  “Ich liebe dich,” Priscilla whispered.

  “Ich liebe dich, mei schweschder.” Cindy closed her eyes as she hugged Priscilla. At least one of her sisters was on her side.

  * * *

  Cindy held Drew’s hand as they walked through the church parking lot the following afternoon. Her head spun with all the events of the past twenty-four hours.

  After her sisters left yesterday, she’d hidden in her sewing room and poured herself into her projects. When she came down for supper, Dat studied his plate while Florence and Sarah Jane talked on and on about the day.

  After supper, Cindy helped clean up the kitchen before heading to Drew’s house. Drew confirmed that Dat had visited him, and she was grateful that her father’s words hadn’t changed Drew’s mind about their plans. She told Drew about her sisters’ day and assured him that she, too, was still certain about their marriage.

  That was when she told him she was tired of waiting and was ready to move forward, and that was how they’d wound up at the county courthouse to apply for a marriage license this morning. Now they were going to visit Pastor Ellen to ask her to marry them on Saturday. Excitement and nerves both buzzed all the way to her toes as they climbed the church steps.

  “Don’t be nervous, Cindy. You’ve already met Pastor Ellen.”

  “It’s not that.”

  Drew stopped and faced her. “What is it? Have you changed your mind?”

  “No.” Cindy shook her head. “I’m just nervous about taking this step with you. Will you regret it?”

  “Are you kidding?” He pressed a kiss to her cheek. “We’ve been all through this. You’re my family. You’re my future. This is what I want. I can feel how right it is in my bones.”

  Relief filled her. “That’s how I feel.”

  “Good.” He threaded his fingers with hers. “Let’s go ask Pastor Ellen if she’ll marry us.”

  Once inside, they walked down a hallway and stopped at a door that had Pastor Ellen Moore engraved on a plaque attached to it.

  Drew knocked on the door.

  “Come in.”

  They stepped inside. “Hello.”

  “Hi, Drew. Cindy.” Pastor Ellen stood from behind a desk and beckoned them in. “Welcome. It’s so good to see you again, Cindy. Have a seat.” She pointed to the two chairs in front of the desk.

  Cindy glanced around the office, taking in the shelves of books, decorative crosses adorning the walls, family photos, and a beautiful, colorful quilt sewn in a block pattern of reds, oranges, yellows, and pinks.

  “How can I help?” Pastor Ellen asked.

  “We want to know if you’ll marry us.” Drew looked at Cindy and smiled.

  “Really?” Pastor Ellen leaned back in her chair as a smile turned up her lips.

  “We applied for our marriage license today,” Drew said, “and we’d like to know if we could have a small wedding here on Saturday, with you officiating.”

  Pastor Ellen focused her kind brown eyes on Cindy. “What does your family think about your plans to marry Drew?”

  “They’re not happy,” Cindy said. “They’ve been trying to talk me out of it.”

  “Won’t you be shunned if you marry an outsider?” Pastor Ellen’s question was gentle.

  Cindy shook her head. “I’m not a baptized member of the Amish church, so I won’t be shunned. But my family won’t include me in family functions anymore. I’ll be treated as an outsider, which is almost like being shunned.”

  Pastor Ellen nodded slowly as if contemplating Cindy’s words. “How do you feel about that?”

  Cindy folded her hands in her lap and waited for words to come. “It hurts that they could just dismiss me, as if my feelings and my dreams don’t matter.” Her voice was strong as confidence surged through her. “I’ve tried to explain that I love Drew, and that he’s my future. But all they’ve done is try to convince me to stay, to join the church and find an Amish man to marry me and take care of me. That’s not what I want. I want true love like my siblings have found with their spouses.” She turned to Drew and smiled. “And I’ve found that in Drew. This is what I want. I want a life and a future with the man I love.” She turned back to the pastor. “And that’s why we’re here today.”

  “How old are you?” Pastor Ellen asked.

  “Twenty-four,” Cindy said.

  “Don’t most join the Amish church when they’re teenagers?” Pastor Ellen asked.

  Cindy nodded. “Yes, that’s true. My siblings did.”

  “May I ask why you didn’t?”

  Cindy paused, trying to sift through her swirling thoughts. “When all my friends were baptized, I realized I wasn’t ready to join the church. Then my mother died unexpectedly when I was seventeen, and I felt even more disconnected from the church and my community. I witnessed her death and blamed myself for a long time. I also found myself doubting God’s will when he took her, and that’s a sin in our religion.”

  She paused again to take a deep breath. “I couldn’t admit my doubt to my siblings or my father. I’ve also wrestled with confusion for a long time because my father and siblings moved on so easily when I couldn’t. When my father remarried quickly, and then my siblings married as well, I felt as if they’d all left me behind. I’ve felt like an outsider in my own home and my own congregation.”

  Cindy looked at Drew beside her. “I didn’t feel like I’d found my home until I met Drew.” She turn
ed back to Pastor Ellen. “We’re ready to start a life together, and we’d like you to help us begin that journey.”

  “I do have one more question,” Pastor Ellen said. “You say you feel disconnected from your community and you’re not ready to be baptized into the Amish church. Still, you dress like an Amish person. Are you certain you want to break from that community?”

  Cindy shrugged. “I’m just comfortable in these clothes. I’ve never worn anything else.”

  “That makes sense.” Pastor Ellen nodded. “Will your family come to the wedding?”

  Cindy shook her head. “I doubt it.”

  “It will most likely just be us and you.” Drew leaned forward in his chair. “Will that work?”

  “Of course. We’ll need a witness, but my husband will be glad to stand with you.” Pastor Ellen seemed to study Cindy. “You feel confident that this is the decision you want to make? I just want to be certain this church feels enough like home to you. A wedding is one of the special moments in any woman’s life. Choosing a place to worship is important too.”

  “I’ve prayed over and over, and when I ask God if marrying Drew is the path he wants me to follow, my feelings for Drew have become stronger. I want to be wherever Drew is, and I felt comfortable visiting your service here. So yes, you can be certain.”

  Cindy took Drew’s hand in hers as they smiled at each other. “I believe in my heart that God chose you for me, Drew. That’s why I’ll always pray my family will someday accept you.”

  Drew leaned over and kissed Cindy’s forehead. “I love you,” he whispered.

  Cindy turned back to Pastor Ellen. “Will you marry us?”

  The pastor nodded. “I will, but first I want you both to truly think about this. Consider the impact it will have on Cindy’s family.” The pastor focused on Cindy once again. “You sound like you’re close to your family. Just consider how you’ll feel when they pull away from you. I know you love Drew, but will that love be enough to sustain you when you lose your siblings and your father?”

  “Yes. With God’s help, it will.” Her throat felt so tight with emotion that she almost couldn’t smile as she nodded.

  “All right. I’ll see you Saturday. We have your phone number here, Drew, and I’ll call you tomorrow about details.” Pastor Ellen stood and shook their hands before they walked out of her office.

  Cindy stared out the window of the pickup truck as they drove back to Drew’s house. Pastor Ellen’s words twirled through her mind.

  I know you love Drew, but will that love be enough to sustain you when you lose your siblings and your father?

  Cindy pushed her fingers against her forehead as the words echoed again and again.

  But no, she couldn’t allow anyone or anything to stop her from marrying Drew! This was her future. This was the path God had chosen for her.

  “Cindy.” Drew turned toward her. “We don’t have to do this so quickly. We can continue to get to know each other, and you can talk more to your family.”

  “No.” Cindy shook her head as renewed conviction surged through her. “This is what I want.”

  “How will you break the news to them?”

  “I’ll tell them tonight at supper. I’ll let Florence, Sarah Jane, and Dat know we’re getting married on Saturday and that we’d like them to come. Maybe I can change their minds.”

  She put her hand in his and gave a gentle squeeze. “We’re in this together—with or without my family or anyone else.”

  He nodded. “Right.”

  “Look at me.” She ran her thumb along his jawline. “You believe in us, right?”

  His blue eyes suddenly grew fierce. “Yes, I do. I’ll always believe in us.”

  “Then stop doubting me when I say this is what I want.” She touched her chest. “You have my heart. You’re the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want to build a life with you, have a home with you, and raise a family with you. That’s what you want with me, right?”

  Drew pulled to the side of the road, then turned off the engine and in one fluid motion reached his arms around her, leaned over, and kissed her. She melted into him, closing her eyes and savoring the feeling of his lips against hers, losing herself in him.

  When he shifted away from her, she shivered at the loss of his touch.

  “I love you, Cindy,” he whispered. “No matter what.”

  * * *

  Conversation swirled around the kitchen table as Cindy stared at her plate filled with pot roast and carrots. She mentally practiced her announcement on a loop. Now was the time to speak the words, but was she strong enough to utter them?

  Yes. Yes, she was. This was her decision, and her family should support her.

  “I’m getting married on Saturday,” she blurted, and all the conversation stopped. Dat, Florence, and Sarah Jane focused their shocked stares on her. “Drew and I went down to the county courthouse today and applied for our marriage license. After that, we met with Drew’s pastor at the Bird-in-Hand Community Church. She’s really sweet. Her name is Pastor Ellen. I was surprised to meet a female pastor, but I really like her. Anyway, Pastor Ellen is going to marry us on Saturday.” The words flew out of her mouth like a horse galloping in the back pasture. “We’d be honored if you joined us.”

  She stopped speaking as her breath came in short bursts. As she waited for her family to respond, a suffocating silence hung over the kitchen. All three of them continued to stare at her, their judgmental eyes causing her to squirm in her chair.

  Then Dat’s face twisted into an angry frown, and suddenly he pushed his chair back, stood, and marched into the mudroom. The back door slammed shut.

  Florence jumped up, and then footfalls sounded through the mudroom before the back door opened again. “Vernon! Wait!” Cindy heard the door close behind her.

  Cindy looked at Sarah Jane, who glared and shook her head as a furious scowl marred her face. “You’re ruining this family. I hope you’re froh.” Then she stood and gathered the plates filled with their uneaten supper. But she only set them on the counter before stalking up the stairs and slamming the door to her room.

  A lump the size of a walnut swelled in Cindy’s throat as her hopes of convincing her family to bless her marriage crumbled. Not only had they not done so, but she’d finally lost them.

  The sound of shutting doors echoed in her heart.

  twenty-four

  Cindy surveyed the sea of boxes she’d packed during the past four evenings. All her favorite possessions were ready to be transported to Drew’s house for her new life.

  Tomorrow she would be married and then sleep in a new bed. She would become a wife and leave the Amish world behind her. Everything would change, including her name. Heat traveled in slow waves across her face and chest.

  “I cannot believe you’re going through with this.”

  Cindy turned toward Florence as she stood in the doorway and frowned. “Did you think I would change my mind?”

  “I hoped and prayed you would.” Florence shook her head and folded her arms over her middle. “Your dat did too. He’s been positively crushed. He keeps telling me he let down your mamm by not stopping you from seeing that Englisher. He blames himself.”

  Anger sparked in Cindy. “Why does everybody think it’s their fault that I made this decision? It’s no one’s fault. This is what I chose all by myself, and I’m not going to change my mind. What hurts the most is that none of you will support me or be happy for me.”

  Florence shook her head. “I can’t give you my support or my blessing, and neither can your dat.”

  “How about your love?” Cindy heard her voice wobble.

  “You’ll always have my love, but you won’t have my blessing until you—and Drew, if you’ve married him—join the church.” Florence glanced down at the boxes and then back up at Cindy. “I don’t understand how you can just leave your community and all your Amish values behind as if they mean nothing.”

  Cindy gasped as Flor
ence’s words stabbed her heart.

  With the shake of her head, Florence turned and started down the hallway, and then her footsteps echoed in the stairwell.

  Cindy sat down on her bed, reached into the closest box, and pulled out a beautiful lap quilt. It was the last quilt Mamm had made for her before she passed away. She’d been sixteen. The quilt featured a gorgeous star in the center, fashioned out of stunning shades of pink and gray, Cindy’s favorite color combination.

  She ran her fingers over the stitches as memories washed over her. She tried to recall her mother’s sweet voice, her contagious laugh, her gorgeous smile, and her sage advice.

  Closing her eyes, she conjured an image of her mother. She could see Mamm standing at the kitchen counter, talking and smiling while they washed dishes together. Mamm would listen as Cindy and Laura shared a story about one of their friends. She would offer advice if they had a problem they couldn’t solve on their own.

  But would Mamm have accepted Drew into their family? Would she bless Cindy’s marriage? Would she have agreed to come to the church tomorrow to witness the ceremony?

  Probably not.

  “I miss you,” Cindy whispered as her heart twisted. “I miss you so much, Mamm.” She sniffed and ran her fingers over the fabric, so lovingly pieced by her mother. “If only you were here to listen to me. I know you’d try to understand how I feel about Drew. Maybe you’d even agree to have a civil conversation with him. If you were here, I know it wouldn’t be quite so painful. I miss you, Mamm,” she repeated. “I miss you so much it hurts.”

  Cindy hugged the quilt to her chest and then flopped back on her bed as she opened her heart to God.

  Please, God, help me navigate my new life with Drew. Bless our marriage, and keep me strong as my family turns against me. Please soften their hearts toward my decision, as well as toward Drew.

  Rolling to her side, Cindy touched the cross Drew had given her, and then she closed her eyes as still more tears began to fall.