I wasn’t yet recovered from him knowing about our first kiss so all I did was nod.
“Because I knew one day you’d get your head out of your ass and do right by her. I knew you were young and needed to grow up. But mostly it was because I know how much you love her. And in your own fucked-up way you were trying to protect her, I also know when a Lenox man falls in love it happens once. However, your time is up. You’re a man now. Sort your head and make your choice. If you can’t be the man she deserves, step aside. And by that I mean stop sneaking back into town every few months and treating my daughter like she’s your dirty secret. That shit is over.”
Shame washed over me. Shame that hit my soul. I’ve never, not one fucking time, seen disappointment aimed at me from my dad or Jasper. But they were both looking at me like I was an asshole.
1
Delaney
What the hell was I doing?
Everything about this felt wrong.
I looked into my rearview mirror at the restaurant behind me and serious doubt crept in. I knew this would happen, so I came early. I’d never done this, not in any real way.
I’d had a few dates in high school, but those didn’t count, and I’d tried again in college—once. Lewis had taken me to his fraternity house for a party. It was lame, and all I’d done was compare him to Carter. It wasn’t a good night. Lewis felt it, I was uncomfortable, and he never asked me out again.
It was then I’d known Carter Lenox was so far under my skin nothing would work him out. And at the time, I liked him there. I’d been content to wait for his next call, email, or visit.
I’d lived for those days, when I would get back from class and find I had a message from Carter. I devoured every word. Read and reread them over and over, and when there’d been months of nothing, I’d read them again.
Now I needed to move on.
It was time. I was twenty-five and never been on a real date, been in love with a man who gave me what he could but what he could wasn’t enough. And I’d loved him my whole life. Ever since I could remember, it’d been Carter.
I focused on the brick exterior of the restaurant, dark wood accents, green tin roof, and tried to relax. I could do this. I had to do this.
The man who was waiting for me inside was great. He was a teacher, too. He taught history at Parkside, the same high school I taught at. Steve was good looking, sweet, and had been asking me out off and on for two years. He was also around for the nightmare that was Derek Lowe, the science teacher who’d been cooking meth in his house, and wrangling students to deal for him.
My hand went to my flat stomach as it always did when I thought about Derek.
Empty.
I should’ve been in my third trimester. I should’ve been showing, hearing my baby’s heartbeat, feeling he or she growing and moving in my belly. It should’ve been the happiest time in my life. But it wasn’t.
Derek took that from me.
My stupidity allowed him to.
I didn’t listen when my brother told me to stay away from Derek and the case surrounding him. My foolishness led me to where I was. Derek may’ve landed the blow that had taken my child from me, yet I had played amateur sleuth even after all the warnings.
So really, I had no one to blame but myself.
I didn’t protect my baby, and he or she was gone. And with him or her, any chance at happiness. I’d lost everything in the span of a few hours, lying on the floor of an abandoned house, while Mercy had fought for her life. I laid there, thinking how I’d only known for less than a week I’d been pregnant but I already loved my unborn child so much.
So much I couldn’t move. I didn’t need the doctors to confirm what I’d already felt. My baby was gone, Carter was gone, and the future I thought I’d have, was gone, too.
Everything.
Gone.
What in the hell was I doing?
Moving on with your life, I answered myself.
It was time. It’d been months since Mercy and Jason’s wedding and I’d faced off with Carter. I left the reception, gone home, and finally let Carter go.
He didn’t come after me.
He had emailed me, which meant he was deployed, but I hadn’t read the messages. I’d deleted them unopened. All of them, and there were a lot. If I was going to move on, I needed to purge all things Carter out of my life. Which was going to be hard because our families were tight, but luckily for me, he wasn’t around much.
I’d taken his clothes out of my dresser and closet, packed his stuff he’d kept in my bathroom, other miscellaneous shit he’d had lying around, put it neatly in a few boxes and drove it to his brother, Ethan’s, house. During my drive over to Ethan and Honor’s it had struck me as sad that my life with Carter fit into two boxes and two suitcases. Carter had his own place, his own life, his own friends, up in Virginia Beach. None of which I’d seen, been a part of, nor met. So, really, I’d never been a part of his life at all. But he had been the center of mine.
Ethan had flinched when I told him I was dropping off Carter’s belongings. I didn’t know if the reaction was because I’d looked like literally everything had been torn from me, or if he was thinking about his brother. Everyone knew there’d been something going on, even if it was never spoken about. We’d done our best to hide it but when two people loved each other the way we had there was no keeping that a secret.
So damn dysfunctional.
If one of my friends had been in the same situation, I would’ve advised her to dump his ass. But, I couldn’t take my own advice, I loved him too much. Loved, past tense I reminded myself. I had loved him, my whole life.
Now I was moving on.
My gaze went from the restaurant to my own reflection. I looked nothing like I had eight months ago when I had everything I’d dreamed of literally growing in my belly. For the sake of my family I pretended I was fine. But I wasn’t. The bruises had healed but my soul never would. My sister-in-law Mercy was the only person who knew I’d been pregnant; she was the only one who understood how deep my anguish ran.
She also disagreed with my choice not to tell Carter or my family I’d miscarried. But she also was kind and loyal and would never betray my trust.
Finally, I checked that my lip gloss was still perfect, unbuckled my seat belt, and got out of my car.
I can do this.
I’d taken careful consideration while I’d been getting ready. Nice pair of dark-blue jeans, a blouse that was flowy but still showed a hint of cleavage, and on my feet a cute pair of wedge sandals. It was casual, but nice enough to wear to an upscale steak house. It also said, I made an effort for Steve without stating it overly so.
I opened the door to the restaurant, took a deep breath, and immediately found my date.
My date.
Twenty-five and going on my first date as an adult. A fact I’m sure my father would appreciate. He’d always told my sisters and me we could date when we were twenty-five. Of course, my mom had stepped in and told him he was crazy, and they had been allowed to go out in high school. Though there were rules, an earlier than all my friends’ curfew, and he’d demanded he met any boy we’d planned on seeing. I followed these rules because they were easy. I had Carter, therefore after the two guys I’d gone to the movies with did nothing for me, I’d stopped. My sisters however, gave my poor dad gray hair with their antics. Most especially Quinn, and at twenty-three she was still driving Jasper Walker bat-shit crazy.
“Delaney,” Steve greeted. “You look great.”
“Hi, Steve, so do you.”
“We have a few minutes before our table’s ready. Would you like to go to the bar and get a drink?”
Yes. Alcohol is what I need.
“Perfect.” I smiled and Steve tilted his head studying me.
“You look even more beautiful when you smile.”
I fought to keep my grin in place and mumbled my thanks. It was a nice thing to say, even if it reminded me I didn’t have much to smile about these days,
therefore I rarely did.
Steve guided us through the crush of patrons, found us two seats, and pulled mine out. We’d barely sat down when a gorgeous bartender appeared. After she’d introduced herself, Steve allowed me to order my beer first before he ordered his.
His eyes hadn’t lingered on the woman, he hadn’t even given her a second glance. Which was surprising, because she was stunning. I had all of his attention and that was nice.
“Thank God you ordered a beer,” Steve started. “I thought I’d have to follow your lead and order some sort of sophisticated drink I wouldn’t enjoy.”
“Why would you do that?”
“To impress you.”
Well, that was honest.
A tall, slender woman had come up and was climbing onto the stool next to me, her oversized purse hitting my shoulder. “Oh my gosh, I’m sorry,” she apologized.
“No problem,” I told her and turned back to Steve.
“Impress me?” I asked, going back to my original conversation.
“It cannot be lost on you that I’m into you. I’ve asked you out a dozen times since you started working at Parkside.”
He had. Maybe more than a dozen. To dinner, to the movies, to a street fair, down to Savannah when there’d been a jazz festival. Loads of times he’d asked and I’d politely declined.
I didn’t know what to say to that so I was silent, but he continued, “I didn’t say that to make you uncomfortable. I guess I just want you to know I’m happy you finally accepted.”
“You didn’t make me uncomfortable,” I lied. Then I struggled to find something to ask him to steer us into something light. The problem was I didn’t know anything about Steve. “So, what made you decide to teach history?”
Could I be more generic? I really didn’t know how to do this.
His smile was knowing when he’d graciously allowed the change of subject and answered. “My dad was a field historian in the Army. He loved everything about world history, but specialized in military. All the great battles were discussed practically nightly. At a young age I caught the bug, and started my own obsession.”
“So your dad was in the Army?” I asked.
“Yeah. After college he served active duty for twelve years then he moved to the Military History Detachment as a reservist, before he started teaching at West Point.”
“Wow. My dad was in the Army, too.”
“Really? What was his MOS?”
“Logistics.”
The practiced answer was like second nature. Dad hadn’t discussed his job with us very often, but when Quinn, Hadley, Adalynn, and I had been old enough, he’d told us he didn’t really work in a logistical unit. He was Army Special Forces. Something that we were never to discuss with anyone outside of our extended family. My uncles—not of blood, but friendship: Lenox, Levi, and Nolan—all served with my dad.
Thankfully before Steve could ask me anymore about my dad’s service, the pager the hostess had given him vibrated, and we grabbed our drinks and made our way to the table.
Dinner conversation flowed, he told me about his brother and family, they were all close and he obviously loved them deeply. I told him about my brother, and three sisters. It was nice. Pleasant. Enjoyable.
What it wasn’t was fireworks and chemistry.
Then the topic changed to past relationships and once again, I was uneasy.
“What about you? Any long-term boyfriends?”
Steve asked that after he’d explained why for a period of time he’d stopped asking me out. He’d gotten into a relationship and it had lasted six months. He’d ended it a month ago. Now he wanted to know about me.
“No,” I semi-lied.
Which probably wasn’t the best way to start off seeing someone, that was if that was what we were starting. But I didn’t want to think about Carter, or discuss him. And it was only a slight mistruth. Carter had never been my boyfriend. He’d been the man I was in love with, carried on an exclusive affair with for eight years, the man who’d taken my virginity, and the only man I’d ever slept with. But he’d never been my boyfriend and that had been Steve’s question.
“Seriously? You’re smart, funny, and beautiful. I can’t see how that’s possible.”
Because I’d stupidly fallen in love with my childhood best friend and never let it go.
Steve being the nice guy he was and sensing again my need to change the subject, moved us on to something trivial. We’d talked about summer plans, both of us ecstatic the school year was coming to an end. He was going to teach summer school, I thankfully was not.
I was taking the summer to explore. I had a few weekend trips planned and a multi-state road trip. All of this was going to be solo. My younger sisters had offered to travel with me since they’d both graduated college and were looking for something to do before they entered the workforce.
I’d declined. They were both disappointed but I wanted to be alone. I needed it. This summer especially. The flutter in my belly reminding me why.
Gone.
After dinner Steve walked me to my car, told me he had a great time, and asked if he could call me tomorrow. I told him yes, he kissed my forehead, which was sweet but didn’t set off the butterflies and excitement the way Carter’s kisses had.
Damn, I need to stop that.
Steve shut my door, waited for me to back out before he walked to his own car. Total gentleman.
But I felt nothing beyond friendship.
There had to be something seriously wrong with me, to prefer to spend my nights alone, waiting for Carter to reach out. In any form that came. Someone should commit me to the looney bin—that’s how crazy I am.
I drove home in a daze, feeling guilty about stuff I had no business feeling guilty about. I’d never made any promises to Carter. Not in the eight years since I’d given him my virginity. Not because I hadn’t wanted to but because he’d refused to accept them. That didn’t mean I wasn’t faithful, I was. I don’t know if Carter had been with other women, he never said. The thought made me physically ill so I’d never asked. Stupid, stupid me.
I parked my car and made a decision. If Steve called and asked me out again, I was going to say yes. This dating stuff would get easier. It had to.
2
Carter
“Say again?”
“You heard me, brother. What did you think? She was going to sit around and wait for you for the rest of her life? Actually I’m shocked it didn’t happen sooner,” Ethan told me.
“A date?” I growled.
“Not just one. Multiple.”
“What the fuck?”
“Carter…” My brother’s tone changed. The softness and understanding pissed me off. “I’m sorry. I wanted to be the one to tell you. We all knew something had changed when that dick Derek Lowe took her and Mercy. And then months passed and the wedding….” He trailed off.
Yeah, the wedding. He didn’t need to elaborate. I remembered the goddamned wedding like it was an hour ago. I remembered every pained word Delaney said, every one of them a bullet piercing my soul. I would also never forget what the dick Lowe had done to my woman. If Mercy hadn’t ended his life that day, I would’ve.
Ethan was right, something drastic had changed. Everyone knew it, saw it, asked about it but Delaney had refused to talk about it. It went beyond the terror of being kidnapped and beaten, something had broken inside of her and months later it was deep and not getting any better.
“Still haven’t heard from her?” Ethan gently asked.
“Not a fuckin’ peep. Three months of silence.”
“Shit,” he mumbled.
“Haven’t talked to Dad yet, so I’d appreciate you not saying anything but I signed my separation papers today.”
“Come again?”
“My contract was up and I didn’t reenlist.”
“Holy fuck. Seriously? I thought you said you were a lifer?”
“I know what I said. But things have changed. I need to come home.”
<
br /> “But—”
“It’s time. I’m not losing her. Besides, I’m missing out on watching my niece grow up. You and Honor are having another one, I want to be there for that. And Meadow and Nick, finally after all these years are parents. I’ve given up enough. It’s time to come home.”
“Given up? Since when have you looked at serving as a hardship?”
“It’s not a hardship. I’m proud of what I’ve done. But, brother, I’ve given up a lot more than most and I’m done.”
What I wasn’t going to discuss with my brother was the reoccurring nightmares I had. I didn’t want to burden him with horrors I’d seen and what my failures had caused. Not a fucking night went by I didn’t relive what my hesitation had triggered.
“You didn’t have to give her up. She would’ve gladly followed you,” he reminded me. “Man, I love you, but you have to know you’re fucked-up. Just like Dad. He left Mom because he didn’t want that same shit for her. But do you not remember what Mom went through? She still cried over a casket she thought carried Dad’s dead body. She still mourned him. She still went to that stupid gravesite that wasn’t even his for twelve years and never forgot him. Not a single day, Carter. That’d be Delaney whether she was your wife or your side piece of ass.”
“Watch your mouth,” I growled. “She’s never been a piece of ass.”
“Really? ‘Cause that’s how you’ve treated her for ten years, longer actually. When we were in high school you wouldn’t date her, but you’d put out the word she was yours, therefore untouchable. You left for the Naval Academy, and she dutifully waited for your return. That summer after she graduated, you finally claimed her, and I mean, physically since you’d verbally done it when you were fifteen. Never had a man, never a date, never even looked at anyone else. And someone who looks like Delaney Walker, is funny like she is, loyal, smart, sweet, should not be alone. If that’s not a side piece of ass I don’t know what is.”
My gut twisted hearing my brother talk about how I’d pushed Delaney away. He had a few facts wrong but I wasn’t going to squabble over the details when the overall point he was making was a direct hit.
Adoring Delaney: The Next Generation Page 2
