My chest was pounding from the beat of my heart and my breaths were coming out in pants. I knew what it took out of my dad to talk about what he’d done to my mom. I always hated hearing their story, it was not a beautiful fairy tale. My dad had shredded my mom and himself.
“I was wrong. Worst mistake I ever made. Then I got her back. After twelve years. Twelve-fucking-years of watching her go to a grave she thought was mine. Listening to her talk to a dead man, still loving him, still mourning him. I let her do that. I watched it break her and I did nothing. Until I couldn’t do it anymore. I got her back, and I had heaven in my hands. Beauty like you wouldn’t believe. I ever tell you what made her leave me?”
I thought back and never remembered either of them mentioning Mom leaving him. The story went, he had to grab her before a seriously fucked-up former team member of my dad’s unit got to her and used her as revenge. Nowhere in the story did anyone mention Mom leaving him.
“No,” I answered.
“Spent a week with your mom in Big Bear. Didn’t think it was possible but I fell more in love with her. Damn, boy, she was everything I ever wanted and she was in my arms. And every night I laid awake and fear choked me. All I wanted was for her to be safe. When it was time for me to leave and go hunt down the fucker who was threatening her, I told her I didn’t love her. Told her I just needed to work her out and she was no longer under my skin. I told her she was nothing more than a piece of ass, in the long line of women I’d had over the years.”
“What the fuck?” I seethed. “You said that shit to my mother?”
“Told her to forget about me even when she stood feet from me, tears rolling down her beautiful face. But I couldn’t see her. Fear had taken root and I needed to set her free. I was scared, I was a coward, and I was stupid. I turned my back on the only woman I’d ever loved. And know this, Carter, there may’ve been other women in my bed, I was no saint, but I’ve never loved another woman. I’ve loved your mom since I was a teenager. Never felt anything for anyone except her. And I pushed her away. I turned my back on her and left. What makes that worse, that week, we made you. I left her carrying my child and the next day she was kidnapped and I wasn’t there to protect either of you. We found your mom. I begged. And, boy, when I say begged, I pleaded my case at her feet and she turned me out and walked away. Your uncle Jasper knew she was pregnant, rightfully kept it from me so I could sort my head. When I found her she was in Myrtle Beach, very pregnant with you.”
Sometime during my dad’s speech my body went solid, then I felt sick, and finally I stumbled back, unable to stay upright. My ass hit the ugly-assed dresser and the TV wobbled from the force in which I hit it.
Fuck.
“What are you going to do about Delaney?” he asked after a spell.
“Nothing.”
“Say again?”
“Nothing to do. It’s too late.”
“What the fuck, Carter? Did you not listen to a goddamn thing I just told you? Did you hear me when I said it was the worst mistake of my life?”
“I heard every word, felt them down to my soul. But my story. Delaney and mine, it doesn’t end like yours and Mom’s.”
“It can. Stop acting like a fool and you can hold heaven in your hands for the rest of your life.”
My eyes shot to my dad’s and all the venom swirling in my stomach rushed up and I couldn’t hold it back. It scorched a path begging to get out. So much fire it burned my throat.
“I don’t get to have what you and Mom have!” I shouted. “We don’t get that.”
“You could if—”
“I can’t. You don’t get it. There’s no happy-fucking-ending for us.”
“Carter—”
“It’s dead. My baby, it’s dead, Dad. Gone.”
“Come again?”
My dad’s eyes widened in shock, and maybe I should’ve found a better way to tell him his grandchild would never be born but I didn’t have it in me. I had nothing left. All I wanted was to be left alone with my alcohol. I didn’t want to feel this—the loss of my whole world. My baby and Delaney were gone and I had nothing that was worth a shit.
“She was pregnant when Derek Lowe took her.”
“Good God,” my dad whispered.
“Pregnant and alone because I was on the other side of the world. She was taken and our baby was beaten out of her and I wasn’t fucking there. Wanna know what I was doing? I was in an Afghani village watching some stupid fucking grunt approaching a woman begging him for help. He didn’t see the trap, he wouldn’t stop. I had my crosshairs on her forehead, but I hesitated, praying I wouldn’t have to shoot a fucking woman holding her baby in the head. That’s what I was doing while my woman was getting beaten. I waited too long. The grunt got close and she did it. Took herself out, the soldier, and that baby. I could’ve saved them from that. All I needed to do was take the shot but I was too much of a pussy. I killed that baby and halfway around the world Derek Lowe killed mine.”
“Get that shit outta your head now,” my dad demanded. “You didn’t kill that baby. And I know what you’re thinking but you’re wrong. Delaney losing your baby wasn’t some cosmic payback. Derek Lowe did that, not you, and not Delaney.”
I felt wet brimming in my eyes and I tried but failed to blink it away.
“I’m not good enough for her, Dad. I don’t get to hold heaven because I’m destined for hell. The things I’ve—”
“There’s no one better for her.”
“I have to let—”
“The fuck you do. Go to her and hold on.”
“Christ, Dad! Listen to me. I fucked up. I don’t get to hold her—not anymore. I shouldn’t’ve ever touched her in the first place. I’ve spent years crawling through dirt and shit. I can’t get that off of me. None of it, it’s stained on my soul. She’s clean and beautiful and does not need to take my shit on.”
My father stood to his full height, shoulders back, and pinned me with his stare. His face transformed and he was no longer my dad, he was the vicious Special Forces soldier he once was.
“You must’ve forgotten who you were talking to. So I’ll remind you. Much like you, I crawled through that same filth. Unlike you I did it for longer. Straight up, son, I am proud of your service. I’m proud that you answered the call and raised your hand. I’m proud you forged your own path and went into the Navy and earned your Trident. I am proud of you. I know what those hash marks feel like. I know what it does to a man when you have to take a life, any life, even the vilest piece of shit, it still marks you. And as they pile up so does the weight. Unload that shit, son. Shrug it off and free yourself. What you did, the places you’ve been, the lives you’ve taken were not only needed but necessary to keep the ones you love at home safe. I got all the love in the world for you. My firstborn, my namesake, your very existence proof of the love your mom and I have. Never been more proud of you. But, man. The fuck. Up.”
“What the actual fuck? Man up? What do you think I’m doing? I’m walking away from the woman I love so she can have better.”
“No, you’re not. You’re walking away so you don’t have to face tragedy. You’re turning your back on the woman you love, the same way I did. You may not have spewed lies and venom like I did when I left your mom. But believe this, you didn’t have to. The mere fact you walked away makes it the same.”
My dad walked to the door and threw it wide. Jasper, Clark, and Levi all stood outside.
“You see these men.” I clenched my jaw wondering how much they heard, especially Delaney’s dad, Jasper. “You call them uncles. Do you know why?”
I remained silent in my humiliation.
“Not because I served with them. Not because each of them has saved my life, and I’ve saved theirs. Not because we share a bond forged by fire and death. These men are your uncles because they called me on my stupidity, and stopped me from making a mistake I could never undo. Your uncles are the reason I hold heaven. They’re the reason I wake up every morning with
your mother by my side. They’re the reason I have you and Ethan. Without them….” Dad trailed off and spied a bottle of Jack, then looked back to me. “This would’ve been my life. Lonely motel rooms and booze. So when I tell you I’m proud, son, I am so fucking proud of the man you are it fills me with joy. Be that man. Be the man I know you are and get your woman. Fall to your knees and beg and when she turns you out, beg some more. Swallow your pride, your ego, and know when you finally hold her again it’s pure beauty, son. Nothing better. But you ain’t gonna get it sitting in a motel room drinking because you’re too much of a coward to face what’s happened. That’s not you. You’re not that kind of man.”
I nodded my head because there was no way I could speak. Now that my dad was done laying me out, his face softened and he continued, “First step, you need to talk to Jasper. He needs to know what happened to Delaney and why she broke. He’s been worried sick. After you help him sort his head, I suspect you’ll be going after Delaney. Good luck with that. We all have your back.”
My dad didn’t wait for my reply, he walked out and Jasper walked in, shutting the door behind him. He, too, gazed around the room, giving me the same lip curl as my dad.
Fuck.
“I take it my daughter tore you to pieces,” Jasper started.
I sucked in a breath, wishing my dad had left the door open and fresh air was expanding my lungs but instead the stench of whiskey, shitty motel room, and despair filled me.
“She was pregnant when Lowe took her,” I told him and watched as my uncle closed his eyes. “What he did to her was too much. She lost our baby. Two days ago when I went to her, she was in front of your beach house crying. I pushed and she told me. She was there, because it was her due date. We should’ve been holding our baby. Instead she was holding onto more pain and anguish than I’ve ever seen.”
His eyes opened, glossy with grief and loss.
“Fuck!” he roared. “Fuck!”
I waited until his narrowed eyes came back to me and my next statement died on my tongue.
“You gonna fix my girl?”
“Yes.”
“See to that, Carter.”
He turned, opened the door. It bounced off the wall, then he slammed it behind him.
The walls shook and so did my world.
I needed to find Delaney.
8
Delaney
My week at the beach was up and I was dreading going home. Carter would be there, or at least I thought he would be. He’d said he was out of the Navy and home. I wasn’t sure which home he was referring to. His apartment in Virginia Beach, or Georgia.
If I’d thought I couldn’t face him before I really couldn’t now that he knew. I’d never seen a man brought so low. His body shook with sobs and his pain seeped from his pores and filled the room.
Tragic.
The end of us. I’d felt it, the love fading much like I’d felt my baby’s life slip away.
I finished cleaning out the fridge and looked around the kitchen my dad had redone for my mom a few years ago. Crisp white cabinets, granite countertops, new stainless-steel appliances. One could say, Emily Walker was spoiled. My dad would argue she was not, and he’d never be able to repay the beauty she’d given him. I loved that for my mom.
I was dragging the trash to the front door when I heard it.
Unmistakable.
I never had to look out my front windows to know when Carter was pulling in. I’d long ago memorized the rumble of his truck.
Before I could execute my plan of escape, Carter was at the front door. He also didn’t knock. No, not Carter Lenox. He walked right in like he had a right to be there.
“Why are you here?”
“We need to talk.”
My right eye might’ve twitched as irritation surfaced.
“Aren’t you tired of saying that? Because, I sure as hell am tired of hearing it. We talked, Carter. Then you left—like always. Now we’re back to, there’s nothing to talk about.”
“Don’t throw that in my face. You’ve had nine months. Nine. I’ve had three days to process you were pregnant, I was gonna be a dad, now I’m not.”
I jerked in surprise at his harsh response, though I shouldn’t have been shocked. He had every right to be angry with me. I’d kept my pregnancy a secret and the truth was, I hadn’t planned on ever telling him.
“I’m gonna say this once, then it’s behind us. Pissed as shit, you didn’t tell me. I had a right to know we’d created a baby. I get you felt alone in that. But if you would’ve stopped and thought you would’ve remembered you were not. I knew I was wrong each time I pushed you away. Knew it down to my soul. But you also knew, and you cannot deny it, how much I loved you. You knew that no matter what I said, I always came home to you. You are my home, Laney. Not Virginia. Not the Navy. Not my team. You. And I know you felt it, because it poured out of me every time we were together. I couldn’t hide it from you. So while you were alone, you were not. And you damn well should’ve told me we were having a baby.”
Something had changed. Something big. And while I was trying to sort through the fact I’d never seen this side of Carter, he continued.
“When Lowe took our baby from us, you absolutely should’ve told me—”
“When?” I blurted. “When should I have done that? Sent you an email? An SOS? Called you while you were God knows where?”
“Yes to any of those. Wanna know why? Because my woman and my child come first. And cast your mind back, Laney, I was struggling with us being an us, because I told you flat out, I didn’t know if I could do the job I did and leave my woman and child at home. I told you my family would come first and that would fuck my team. I would put my safety before having their back to make sure no matter what, I came home to my wife and kids and I’d let my brothers swing in the wind if it were them or me. Remember that, Laney? Remember how hard that was for me to admit? I’m such a selfish prick I’d choose you and my children over them. So once again, yes, you should’ve done something so I could’ve come home and saw to you.”
He had told me that. He’d said he couldn’t be a husband and especially a father while he was a SEAL. He couldn’t have the distraction. Which was what I was.
“That’s why I didn’t tell you. I also remember you calling me a distraction.”
“Yeah, well, it never mattered how hard I tried to push you out of my mind, baby. You were always there front and center. My best distraction. My lifeline. My reason for living. It’s done. You didn’t tell me. And I don’t need to tell you never to keep shit from me again, because we’ll never be in the position where you’ll need to.”
Damn, that reminder hurt.
“We’re starting over,” he declared on a demand. “Right here, right now. I’m done hesitating.”
“What?”
“Full stop. We’re hitting the reset button and starting over.” I started to shake my head but he continued. “Not asking, Laney. I’m telling you. I screwed up big, so did you by keeping my baby a secret. We were both wrong, me more. But all of that is over. We’re putting it all behind us and going forward.”
“That’s—”
“It’s gonna happen. You can fight it. You can push me away. You can tell me we’re done, you don’t love me, you’ve moved on, and whatever else you come up with until you are blue in the face. But check this, Laney, I don’t care. I know you’re lying. I know because we’ve known our entire lives, we were meant to be together. I know because never, not once, has any other woman ever made me look twice. Not from beauty or action. My heart is so twined with yours no one else exists. You own my soul, you own my heart, you own my mouth, you own my dick. Never have any of those parts touched another woman since you’ve been eighteen. Which brings us to that shit you pulled with Steve. I get why you made that play, but don’t ever pull that shit again. You do, it will not be pretty. But that’s done, too. I don’t wanna know if it went further than what I saw. Don’t ever tell me. From here on out, we rebo
ot, we’re startin’ over—you and me.”
“That doesn’t work for me. And I don’t think I like you being a bossy dick either. You don’t get to tell me—”
“Just did, baby,” he interrupted me.
What the hell was going on and who was this man?
“Who are you?”
“Your man.”
What? He was serious?
I couldn’t stop my hands from going to my hips and I knew my patience was gone.
“You’re not my man, Carter. And I don’t like being told what to do.”
“Yeah, ya do.”
My face heated.
I wouldn’t have been surprised if it was flaming red at the reminder of how he bossed me in the bedroom. Especially after I’d read a sexy romance novel and asked him if he wanted to try something new. Blindfolds had led to erotic spankings. I shivered at the memory. However, out of bed, he’d never spoken to me like this. He was sweet and gentle with me, if not a little reserved, always careful not to pass over a line he’d drawn, therefore he’d never stepped over it.
“I don’t know who you are right now. This isn’t—”
“You know me and right now I’m showing you the rest of me. The part I kept hidden because I knew if I didn’t keep it in check, I’d claim you and there’d be no going back.”
God, he was infuriating.
“Stop interrupting me. It’s annoying. I don’t want to be claimed. And I don’t like this side of you.”
“You will.”
“I will what?”
Adoring Delaney: The Next Generation Page 6
