I didn’t want them to see me like this. There would be no hiding the pain. Not today.
My hands found my flat stomach and I allowed myself to wonder, if he or she would’ve come today? Or would I’ve gone past my due date? Would he look like Carter? Or would she have my mom’s blue eyes, or would she have her daddy’s green?
There was a lot that haunted me about losing my baby, but knowing if it was a boy or a girl was high on that list. Never knowing if I would’ve had a son or a daughter wrecked me. The worst part was like it never existed. No name. No funeral. No place to go visit my baby.
One day I was pregnant, the next I wasn’t and that was it.
Final.
Gone.
“Laney, baby, what the fuck?”
I jolted and my eyes popped open. But as soon as I saw the look on Carter’s handsome face, I wished I’d kept them closed.
“What are you doing here?” I stood.
“Why are you crying?”
“I’m not,” I lied.
Why? Why was he here? Why couldn’t I just mourn the loss of our child alone?
“Baby, I can see the tears still falling.”
“Stop calling me that,” I snapped and did the only thing I could do. I fled.
My pace was quick as I walked up the boardwalk to my parents’ house.
The screen door didn’t snap closed behind me and my temper flared. I turned around and Carter still had his hand on the wooden frame getting ready to step inside.
“We’re not doing this. Get out.”
“We are, Laney. It’s been two weeks and you’re still not answering my calls, texts, or emails. All of which I know you’re getting.”
Two weeks ago after Tuesday and Jackson’s wedding I’d done something monumentally stupid. I’d allowed him into my bed and curled into his body and cried. I was pressed so close I was hoping he could absorb some of the pain, and make it just a little manageable.
The next morning I’d woken up, like I had countless times before, to a cold lonely bed. Carter had left sometime after I’d fallen asleep. No goodbye, no promises. Just gone.
Typical.
I could see how that would’ve been misleading, me allowing him to hold me. But I figured when I still hadn’t taken his calls, he would’ve gotten the hint.
Now he was invading my life at the worst possible time.
“Laney,” he snapped.
My eyes focused on him and I got mad. Furious. Same shit.
“Get the hell out.”
“I keep telling you, baby, we need to talk.”
“Why, Carter? Why now? I don’t understand. I’ve been begging, actual begging has occurred, for you to talk to me but you always refused. Years, I’ve tried and you’ve shut me down. Hell, I couldn’t even ask you when the next time you’d be home was. Or how long you’d be gone on deployment, or where. Nothing. I got nothing out of you.”
“You got everything. All I could give.”
“Well, sorry, Carter, but it wasn’t enough. Not then, not now.”
“Laney, baby, I know I was wrong. I should’ve never pushed you away. I see it now. I know I should’ve—”
“Too fucking late!” I yelled.
“It’s not. I’ll make it up to you. I’ll fix it. Please just give me the chance to prove—”
There it was again—fix it.
“You cannot fix this. You can’t fix what I’ve broken. You can’t make this better. It’s gone. There’s nothing left.”
I felt myself falling apart. Everything was bearing down on me at once. The words I’d been waiting to hear on the tip of his tongue, the emotion in his voice, the concern in his eyes. I’d waited forever to hear him say he’d been wrong and he was ready for us. But it was too late. I’d ruined it.
“Laney, what’d you break?”
“Us. I broke us.”
“That’s impossible.” He had no idea what he was talking about. “We can make it through anything.”
No, we couldn’t. Not this.
“I’m out of the Navy. I’m home.”
His announcement was like a physical blow.
“What?” I whispered.
“We can….”
I stumbled back, felt the back of my knees hit the chair, and thank God it was there or I would’ve landed on the floor. I plopped my ass down and hung my head.
Why was this happening to me? Why was I being punished?
“Laney?”
Carter was in front of me in a crouch, his hand was coming up and I had to put a stop to this. All of it. I was dangerously close to losing it.
“Don’t touch me.”
He ignored my demand and his palm cupped my cheek and his thumb brushed away the tears.
“Tell me.”
God, he was beautiful. Everything I’d ever wanted. Everything I could never have.
“It’s too late.”
“Baby, it’s not. It will never be too late for us. It’s always been you—always. I’m sorry, so fucking sorry I was so stupid. Never shoulda pushed you away. I thought I was doing right by you. I thought I was protecting you. I was wrong, Laney. Please forgive me—please. We can work this out. We can have everything. It’s always been us—Carter and Delaney since we were old enough to understand what love is.”
All my life I waited for this chance, for us to be together—really together. But now, every word he spoke felt like he was plunging a knife into my heart. No, my soul.
“We can’t fix—”
“Laney baby, we can. We will. Let me dig it out, whatever’s inside of you that’s hurting you, let me take it from you.”
Anger flashed. Take it out?
“You can’t take it out, Carter. It’s already gone. It was beaten out of me. There’s nothing left inside. Gone. Gone. Gone.”
“Tell me what happened with Derek Lowe.”
“No.”
“Laney, you have to let it out, you have to talk about what happened. Mercy had to. Before she went back to work, the DEA made her talk to someone.”
I knew Mercy had talked to a shrink; she’d begged me to go see one, too, but I’d refused. I didn’t want to think about what happened. So I really hadn’t wanted to talk about it.
“Just go away. Please. Let me go. I can’t do this, not today.”
“Why not today?”
I stared into his green eyes and remained silent. Exhaustion hit and I was so damn tired I could sleep for a year. I just wanted him to leave. I wanted to wallow in my misery alone.
“Talk. To. Me. Dammit. Tell me what happened. I’m dying, Delaney. It kills me to know you were taken and I was on the other side of the world. I couldn’t protect you. I couldn’t hold you after it happened. I couldn’t—”
“You weren’t there!” I shouted in his face. “But that wasn’t the worst part. Not even by a long shot. You know what was worse than being taken by Derek Lowe? Taking a pregnancy test by myself and seeing a plus sign. Being so happy I could burst but I had no one to share it with. Because you weren’t there. Going to the doctor and having that home test confirmed. Hearing our baby’s heart beat for the first time—alone. You weren’t there. I did that alone. That was worse. Something that should’ve been happy and exciting was sad and scary because I was going at it alone.”
“Pregnant?”
If I’d been paying attention to Carter, I would’ve seen it, the confusion, the hurt, the cold fury in his eyes, but instead I’d snapped. I was lost in my own grief. My own personal hell, a place I kept myself locked in.
“Then I left the doctor’s office on cloud nine. We were having a baby. Even though I was alone, I was happy. The happiest. I had this little baby growing inside of me, a part of you I’d always have. I was driving home in a haze of excitement. That lasted thirty minutes. Then Derek took me. All I could think about was protecting our baby. I didn’t care what he did to me as long as he didn’t hurt what was inside of me. I failed, Carter. I hadn’t even had confirmation I was a mom for more than an h
our and I failed. There is no fixing what I took from us.”
“Pregnant?” Carter’s voice was unrecognizable—so thick with emotion the sound shredded me.
“Today should’ve been beautiful. We should’ve been welcoming our child into the world. Instead I was selfish and stupid. I didn’t listen to my brother or Mercy.”
Carter reached for me and I batted his hand away. “All I could do was lie on the floor next to Mercy curled into a ball. I felt it, I knew the second he kicked me in my stomach my baby was gone. And you were not there. I was all alone. Always fucking alone.”
“Delaney.” My name sounded like it’d been tortured from his lips, hoarse and overwhelmingly sad. “Fuck, baby, fuck.”
I blinked away some of the tears swimming under my eyelids and with them went some of the fog. Carter was on his knees in front of me, anguish clear as day, tears that matched my own streaming down his cheeks. His head came down into my lap and I was forced to sit back. His big hand went to my empty stomach and he wailed out his pain.
Hell.
I was living in hell.
Now he was, too.
I don’t know how long we stayed like that. Carter’s head in my lap, my hand in his hair trying to comfort him the only way I could.
Then he was on his feet, I was in his arms and he was walking us down the hall to the master suite. Carter gently laid me on the bed and followed. He rolled me to my side and fitted his broad chest to my back. He threaded our fingers together and brought our hands over my heart and held on tight.
This was familiar. He’d done this hundreds of times, one of the many things I loved about sleeping with Carter. He always held me close, like he was trying to meld our bodies. So close nothing could come between us.
But something had.
My stupidity. He’d never forgive me for what I’d done. How could he?
“I love you, Laney. So fucking much, baby. I’m so sorry. So goddamn sorry.”
6
Carter
Delaney’s breathing evened out and her body relaxed.
She was finally asleep.
Fuck.
Our baby.
I had so many conflicting emotions swirling around fighting to get out, I didn’t know what to lock down first.
Acid was coursing through my veins as I tried, then failed to sort through the anger.
Delaney.
Derek Lowe.
God.
I was mad at them all.
I thought back, then, to the weekend before I’d left for deployment. I’d gone to Georgia to see her, we’d spent the better part of two days in her bed. We didn’t answer our phones, didn’t watch TV. We’d talked, we’d made love, and I’d held her. What we also didn’t do was talk about the future or what that looked like for us. I didn’t talk to her about where I was going or for how long I’d be gone. But I had demanded she tell me all about her life and what she was doing.
Such a dick.
Then I left, and when I did, I’d left something inside of her so precious, so small, yet so huge and life-changing it was hard to imagine.
Now that was gone.
It would be a long time before I found sleep. Hours lying behind her mourning the loss of a child I’d never hold. Something so sweet. Something Delaney and I had created together.
* * *
“What the hell is he doing?”
“Lenox! Take the fucking shot.”
“Tell him to get back.”
“She’s not a threat. She’s holding a—”
She damn well was. My gaze zeroed in on the baby in the woman’s arms. She was cradling the tiny bundle close to her chest but she was hiding something.
“He needs to get the fuck back.”
The baby squirmed, the woman brought the infant higher, no longer concealing the bomb strapped to her front.
I had no choice.
No fucking choice. I had to.
“Take the—”
I pulled the trigger but I was too late.
I closed my eyes against the blast but I knew. I let that innocent baby die.
My eyes flew open, my heart pounding out of my chest.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Sweat dripped down my brow, still caught in a nightmare I couldn’t shake.
The reality of what I had done hit me like a brick to the face, what my indecision had caused and I rolled away from Delaney.
My mind cast back to the firefight. Then it went to the last message I’d received from my dad. An email that had been written and sent while I’d allowed a woman to use an infant as a human shield and I’d been too much of a coward to kill her. My hesitation costing that baby its life.
I had no business touching Delaney.
I’d killed that baby and thousands of miles away that same day mine was taken from me.
An eye for an eye.
One baby for another. Two innocent lives lost because I didn’t take the shot.
Delaney had needed me. But instead she was alone. Unprotected.
You weren’t there. And I wasn’t. She was right, I’d left her alone carrying my baby.
She deserved better. Always had. But now I knew deep in my soul what I had done had indeed taken something from her so special she’d never forgive me.
She was clean and beautiful and so damn sweet. The blood and filth on my hands should’ve never touched her smooth, perfect skin. I had to put an end to the madness. I'd loved her my whole life. Couldn’t remember a time I didn’t. But this had to end, I'd live the rest of my life in misery as long as she lived surrounded with the beauty I knew she deserved.
I was not the man for her.
I couldn’t be.
She could never know it was because of me, she’d lost our baby.
Before I could think about what I was doing I rolled out of bed, and headed for the door, not allowing myself to look at her. I couldn’t.
I always knew I’d hurt her. But I was so fucking weak, I always went back. Always demanding everything from her. Giving her nothing in return because I was a selfish prick.
The drive back to Georgia was done in a daze. I couldn’t get the look of devastation on Delaney’s face out of my head. I couldn’t stop thinking about all the emails that had been exchanged and she hadn’t told me she’d even thought she could be pregnant, and she certainly hadn’t told me she’d taken a test at home or that she was going to the doctor.
She’d kept it a secret.
She’d kept the knowledge I was going to be a dad from me.
Fuck!
I pulled into a liquor store, grabbed a bottle of Jack, and checked into a shitbag motel just outside of town.
Not only was I a dumbfuck for thinking I could be the man Delaney needed, I’d finally succeeded in crushing her.
Her pain was so stark, so real, I knew I’d never repair the damage I’d done. I deserved this, to be alone, due penance for all of the times I’d left her.
I’d never be the same. We’d never be the same.
7
Carter
The incessant pounding on the hotel door cut through the alcohol-induced sleep. For the last two nights I’d slept without a single nightmare due to the amount of Jack Daniel’s I’d consumed.
This was better.
Easier.
As long as I kept drinking, I could stay numb. It was when I’d started to sober in the slightest the most horrific memories of Delaney assaulted me and I wanted to yank my hair out.
I couldn’t get her pained expression out of my head. Her cold eyes full of despair looking at me, as she told me we’d lost our baby.
The banging continued and I had no choice but to get up and tell whoever was out there to go the fuck away before my head exploded.
“What?” I threw open the door and my dad scowled at me.
“You look like shit, boy,” he growled and shoved me in the room.
Goddamn, I didn’t need this.
“Don’t nee
d this, Dad.”
He looked around the room, his lip curling in disgust.
My gaze followed and I winced. Two empty bottles of Jack, one on the weathered nightstand that should’ve been tossed out and replaced a decade ago, the other tipped on its side on a small table under the window. A messy bed with dingy, threadbare sheets that definitely should’ve been trashed more than a decade ago and they were tangled with the ugliest, flower pattern comforter I’d ever seen. Dirty clothes on the nasty carpet complete with my wet towel from last night’s shower.
The place was a shithole. It was perfect. The décor matched how I felt. Ugly, dirty, worn-out, and nasty.
Fuck.
“What don’t you need?”
“This. You coming here to give me shit. How’d you find me anyway?” I snapped.
“Wouldn’t be very good at my job if I couldn’t even find my son, holed up in a motel less than twenty miles from my house.” My dad’s eyes slid to mine and I flinched. Disappointment and the desire to kick my ass. Great. “How bad did you fuck up?”
“What?”
“Did you bring a woman back here or was this a pity party for one?” he explained.
“Seriously?”
“Seriously, Carter.” He looked around the room again then back to me. “This place smells like shit, looks like shit, and you look worse. You’ve drank yourself stupid, so how far’d you let that stupid go?”
“Not that it fucking matters but I didn’t bring a woman here.”
“It doesn’t matter? Three days ago you were all fired up to go find Delaney. Wouldn’t shut your mouth until you wore your brother down and he told you where she went. Now it doesn’t matter?”
“Nope.”
“You care to elaborate on that?”
“Not even a little bit.” My dad’s gaze didn’t leave mine and the acid in my veins made itself known. “’Preciate what you’re trying to do, but it’s none of your business.”
“I see I failed you.” Some of the anger slid from my father’s eyes. “Shoulda talked to you when you started that shit with her. Shoulda told you it didn’t end well. That’s my fault. I fucked up with your mom and you and Delaney—history repeating itself.” He looked at his feet and shook his head. “Your mom told me to talk to you. I told her you’d sort yourself out. I left you to it, because I knew what you were feeling. Loving someone so perfect, so young, not wanting to hold her back, wanting to protect her from the dangers of your job, prevent her from mourning the loss of you. A love so powerful you’d live in hell, so she could move on and be happy.”
Adoring Delaney: The Next Generation Page 5
