Rush

by Nyrae Dawn

  “Better you than me.” Nate crosses his arms.

  “Whatever, asshole.” He stumbles a little with my soft push. “I’m thinking about heading back to Ohio, spending the summer there. A few of the guys are local so I can get back into routine with them. Or maybe heading to NYC or something. I’m going to lose it if I have to stay here.” I’ve never spent a summer in Ohio. Never spent the summer in NYC either. It’s always been home, vacation with the family, or Lakeland Village.

  “You don’t want to spend the summer in Ohio. You don’t tell me shit but even I know that. Mom and Dad will flip.”

  “I’m twenty-one years old. It doesn’t matter if they like it.” He’s right about the rest of it. I don’t want to be in Ohio. I don’t want to be here either. Like always, I don’t know where in the hell I want to be.

  Jerking my phone off the table, I try to ignore the tightening of my muscles and the tick in my jaw, as I head out of the room. I get to the stairs when Nate’s voice stops me. “Go to Virginia.”

  One foot is on the bottom stair, one hand on the railing but I don’t turn back to look at him.

  “What else are you going to do, man? Mom and Dad won’t get off your back if you’re here. You don’t need to be in Ohio right now and you know it. It’ll be like when we were kids. Charlotte and I will be there and . . .”

  Slowly, I turn around. I’m not sure what makes me say it—if I’m trying to be a prick or if I really want to know but the words come out regardless. “Is it hard for you to say his name because it’s Alec and you’ve never really liked him or because you hate the fact that your brother’s into a guy?”

  Nate’s always been laid-back. He relies on facts, he’s honest about how he feels and he’s fair. He looks like I punched him in the face. The set of his jaw and the ball of his fists tell me he wants to hit me.

  “Fuck you, Brandon. You’re turning into an asshole. I’ll admit something to you. I’m glad you’re not with Alec but it’s not because he’s a guy, it’s because you don’t deserve him. Not anymore.”

  He shoves his way past me; for the first time, someone in this house is not careful with me after the accident. There’s an ache in my stomach because of the reason, and because of what I said but it feels so fucking good to be treated normally too.

  It doesn’t change that Nate is right.

  Twirling my football in my hand, I lie in bed, thinking about what Nate said. I watch the brown leather spin, over and over. It’s a nice ball. It used to be Alec’s favorite until he gave it to me. No matter how many times I told him no, he kept telling me to take it. The truth was, I had another one just like it back home. I knew he didn’t.

  Yeah, he could have gotten another one but things weren’t as easy for him as they were for me. And he’d won a big comeback game with it in high school. People who aren’t into sports don’t get shit like that but that ball meant something because of that win. It was lucky.

  But he wanted me to have it and as weak as it makes me sound, I wanted it too because it was his. Every summer after that I brought it with us to Lakeland Village. It became my lucky ball even though I never played with it at home or school.

  When I look at it, I remember who I was when we met—who I am with him. I mean, it’s only a seventy-dollar football but it was his and it meant something to him but it meant more to Alec for me to have it.

  He thought I deserved it. When I think about how big a prick I was after he came all the way here for me. The way I turned my back on him when Dev, Theo, and Donny were here and how I didn’t stick up for him when they asked if he played or even how I just treated Nate. He tries to be the brother I’ll never let him be, and I throw bullshit at him like I did earlier.

  The guy I am now doesn’t deserve something that was so important to Alec. He was right to walk away, doing it for a whole hell of a lot better reasons than when I left him.

  But I want to deserve it. Want something even though I’ll never let myself have all of him. I can still try to be the person who would be worthy of him. The kind of guy who could at least be man enough to be friends with him. To earn him.

  Palming the football, I jump out of bed. Ripping my door open, I go out and head straight for Nate’s room. Right after I knock, he opens it. Charlie lies on their bed. My eyes dart from her to him. “I’m going.”

  Chapter Five

  Alec

  “What are you doing when you get off work?”

  I change the phone from one ear to the other as I sit in the passenger seat of the work truck.

  Water or something is running in the background making it hard for me to hear Logan. He called not long after I got back from New York and I told him how things went with Brand. We decided to be just friends for real this time, which I’m thankful for. It’s been cool having him around.

  “Nothing that I know of. What the hell is that noise?”

  He laughs. “I just got out of the shower. I’m shaving.” This little flash of Logan standing in the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist flashes in my head. I smile at the thought. Before I wouldn’t have thought about anyone except Brandon that way but in the month that I’ve been back, I think I’m really starting to get over him.

  I have to. The trip to New York proved nothing will change with him.

  It’s too bad I couldn’t have done it before Logan and I decided to only be friends, but maybe it’s better that way. I don’t have any friends who are gay and if we tried something and I screwed it up, it would be shitty not to have anyone.

  “Are you imagining me naked in the shower?” Logan’s question rips me out of my thoughts. My eyes flash to my work partner who’s driving, wondering if he heard.

  “No.” And then because I’m tired of keeping my mouth shut all the time, I add, “In a towel.” Sitting next to me, Rich doesn’t even flinch. He doesn’t know who I’m talking to but still.

  “Ugh. Don’t say shit like that to me. It makes it harder for me to keep up this friends thing. It wasn’t that long ago I wanted to go there. You’re the one who didn’t, remember?”

  Dropping my head back in the seat, I close my eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m—”

  “Don’t be sorry. You’re a pretty good flirt and most of the time, I probably wouldn’t even care if you practiced on me. Just not yet. You can’t tell me you’re over the asshole yet.”

  “He’s not an asshole,” automatically comes out of my mouth. Rich glances at me before his eyes find the road again.

  “You proved my point, Alec. Now do you want to hang out tonight or what?”

  “Yeah . . . sure. But we’re not playing cards.”

  “We are so playing.”

  I don’t know what Logan likes so much about cards. Maybe it’s because he always kicks my ass when we play. “We’re almost back to the shop. I gotta go.”

  “Grab pizza. I’ll bring beer.” Logan hangs up before I can reply.

  “Uh-oh. Boss is waiting outside.” Rich nods toward the building as we pull in.

  “So?” He’s been working here for a couple years. It’s been less than one for me. It helps pay my rent while I’m in school and that’s all I care about.

  “Their son must be in town for the summer. That never goes well for the rest of us.”

  Before I can ask him what the hell that means, Rich gets out. I follow behind him when my boss calls, “Alec! Come here for a second.”

  A weight drops into my stomach and I suddenly get what Rich was saying. It’s not that I really care about this job, but it helps pay the bills. My dad’s already giving me shit about not helping out at the lake cabins this summer, but hell, I’m over it. I always expected the lake cabins to be part of my life—mine and Charlie’s but that life would have been a lie. Being there reminds me of that. And being around my dad I think about why I wanted that lie.

  When I get a couple feet from my boss, I stop. “Hey. Is everything okay?”

  He crosses his arms, pasting this stern look on his face. “I ha
te to tell ya this, kid, but we’re going to have to cut your hours. We’d like to keep you on call if that works for you. If not, I understand.”

  “Did I do something wrong?”

  “No, no. If you remember, you were hired on as temporary.” He rubs a hand over his bald head.

  “Almost a year ago.” But then, I guess that’s why they do it that way.

  “Alec . . .”

  “I’ll take my last check.” I don’t need to hear his words. It’s not like working for them is what I wanted to do with my life. It’s a shit job and I’ll find another shit job or go back to working at the cabins.

  Without another word, he turns to go inside. It’s not a minute later he comes back out with a packet and hands it to me. I take it and walk away.

  There’s a pizza place not far from the shop, so I stop by and order one. It doesn’t take them long to bring it out to me and when they do, I’m on my way to my apartment.

  Logan’s waiting outside my door when I get there with a brown paper bag. His black hair hanging in his eyes a little like it always does. “What’s up?”

  “Eh. Not much.” I stick the key in the knob and unlock the door. “Lost my job. You know, another day.”

  He grins. “Guess it’s a good thing I brought the beer.” For a second I think about everything that’s gone down with us in the past few months. I’m lucky he’s still my friend. It’s that thought that makes me feel like a dick because the first thing to pop into my head is how different it would have been if I’d told Brandon I got fired.

  Pushing the door open, I nod my head for Logan to go inside. He does, setting the bag on my small kitchen table.

  “I need to grab a quick shower.”

  “Don’t get pissed if I drink all the beer and eat the pizza while you’re gone.”

  I laugh as my stomach growls. “Yeah, since I can’t trust you, I’ll eat first.” I click on the TV, the sound of SportsCenter filling the room.

  He pulls out a twelve pack of beer, leaving two bottles on the counter before putting the rest in the fridge. After putting the pizza on the table, I open the box and grab some paper plates out of the kitchen. A minute later, I’m sitting on the couch in my living room, three pieces of pizza on my plate and a beer in my hand.

  “I’m contributing to the delinquency of a minor,” Logan falls down next to me, laughing.

  “Screw you. I’ll be twenty-one in a few months.”

  We’re pretty much quiet while we eat because it’s pizza and beer with sports on the TV. Once the food and my drink are gone, I say, “I’m hitting the shower.”

  “Want company?”

  I freeze, halfway between standing and sitting before making myself push fully to my feet.

  “I’m kidding. Friends, remember? I know how to be friends.”

  For some reason, I can’t make myself move. It’s not because I’m thinking about him in the shower with me. Okay, maybe that’s a lie. Something like that’s impossible not to think about when someone I’m attracted to says it but . . .

  “I’m kidding, Alec.” Logan stands. “Seriously. I’m giving you shit more than anything. Or maybe I’m a little horny too, but I don’t want you to think I’m sitting here pining for you, okay? I would have said that to any guy I wanted. Damn you’re conceited, aren’t you?”

  I shove him, and he falls to the couch. “Screw off. I wasn’t thinking that.” Though I kind of was. And even though it’s cool to have him as a friend, I’d rather him leave, if I thought he was really that into me. I have enough shit for now and I don’t want him hurt.

  After I grab some boxer-briefs, basketball shorts, and a T-shirt from my room, I head to the bathroom. My shower is quick. I’m tired from work today and feeling like relaxing tonight. The longer I think about, the more pissed I get about my job. It’s another shitty thing to happen in a long line of shitty stuff in my life.

  I’m glad Charlie’s coming back tomorrow. I miss having her around—wish I could have made it out of here like she did, which is funny. I used to be the one who told her Virginia is where we belong.

  Logan still sits on the couch when I get out. I grab another beer, heading back to the living room.

  “You look like such a jock.” Logan teases.

  “What the hell are you talking about?” He doesn’t really play sports, don’t think he ever did but it’s not like he looks all that different than me. His muscles are cut, and he’s wearing a pair of cargo shorts and a T-shirt like I am. Yeah he’s pierced and tattooed but that’s not a big deal.

  “You just do. I can’t explain it. If we’d met a few years ago, we wouldn’t have been friends.”

  I shake my head at him. “I would have been cool with you. I’ve always been cool with just about anyone.”

  Logan laughs and I’m not sure why but it makes me laugh too. I’m about to sit down next to him when there’s a knock on my door. Still laughing, I reach over and grab the knob and pull.

  My mouth snaps shut, body tense as I look at the three people standing there. I can’t find words and neither do they. Logan is suddenly silent behind me.

  “Alec, we tried to call you, but you didn’t answer.” Charlie steps forward and gives me a hug. “Surprise?” she whispers in my ear.

  I can’t stop myself from looking at him, from wondering how he’s feeling. He looks better than he did when I was in New York, stronger, but he’s still smaller and his eyes still lonely.

  “We can go, if this isn’t a good time,” Nate says when Charlie lets go of me. I break eye contact with Brandon and focus on his brother.

  “We ended up coming a day early and thought we’d stop by and say hi,” Nate continues.

  Managing to find my voice, I signal for them to come in. “Nah. It’s cool.” Charlie, then Nate, and . . .

  “Hey.” Brandon pushes his hands in his pocket, before his eyes land on the couch. His jaw sets.

  Serves you right, man.

  I’m suddenly aware of everything. Of Brandon’s shorts and the black button up shirt he’s wearing. That his dark brown hair is a little longer. The feel of my still wet hair from my shower. It pisses me off, so I turn from him. Without saying anything to Brandon, I wait until he comes inside before pushing the door closed.

  “Guys, this is Logan.” He stands up and reaches for Charlie’s hand. “Logan, this is my best friend, Charlie.”

  “Nice to meet you,” she tells him.

  “Hi.” After telling her hello, he looks at Nate.

  “That’s Nate.” They shake hands and then his eyes land on Brandon and I know he realizes who he is. Just like Brand knows who Logan is.

  “And this is Brandon.”

  Logan smiles at him because that’s just how he is. He holds out his hand. “What’s up?”

  Brandon doesn’t move, his hands still shoved deep into his pockets. His arms are smaller, the muscles not as defined as they used to be and I suddenly feel like hitting him because I still notice him that way.

  Finally when I think Logan is about to drop his hand, Brandon reaches out and grabs it. “Hey, man. What’s up?” Dropping Logan’s hand, he turns to me. “I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

  Not, we didn’t mean to interrupt. I. I wonder if he even notices he said it. Turning away from him, I reply. “You guys want something to drink?”

  “Actually, I need to go to the restroom. Can you show me where it is?” Charlie’s already heading for my hallway. The apartment is small. Two tiny bedrooms and one small bathroom. She doesn’t need me to show her anything, but I still go with her.

  She pushes her way in, pulling me in behind her before closing the door and turning on the water. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t expect you to have someone here.”

  “Because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I’m okay with being in the bathroom with you. We’re not that close.”

  My lame attempt at a joke doesn’t bring a smile to her face. Instead she sort of cocks her head and looks at me.

  “What?” I ask.
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  “That’s the first time you said you’re gay. Even when I caught you with Brandon or the times you were in New York, you’ve never been able to admit it.”

  There’s no real answer I have for that, so I move onto something else instead. “This is the second time you’ve kept something important from me, Charlie. You should have told me he was coming.”

  “I know. It was last minute and . . . I wanted him to come so badly. I think he needs to be here, Alec and I need you guys to be okay. Somehow I need you to be okay. Brandon’s practically family to me now, and you’ve always been. It kills me to see you both in so much pain.”

  It’s hard to stay mad at her when she says stuff like that because I know she really feels it. That’s Charlie. She has a big heart and she would do anything if she thought it would help someone she loves. “I think we’re as cool as we’re ever going to be. He’ll go back to living a lie and I’m—hell, I’m trying to get past the one I’ve always lived. That’s all there is to it.”

  She grabs my hand and squeezes. “Are you and that guy . . .?” Studying me, I can tell she’s trying to read me.

  “Friends.”

  “That’s all I’m getting out of you, isn’t it?”

  I smile at her even though there’s still a fist around my gut thinking about Brandon being here and Logan meeting him. There’s this screwed up feeling of betrayal slamming around inside me, though I’m not sure which one of them I think I betrayed. “I don’t do the gossip thing either. Now let’s get the hell out of here. It’s not like everyone in that living room doesn’t know what we’re doing.”

  When I hit the end of the hallway, Logan is coming out of my kitchen with bottles of beer in his hands. He hands one to Nate, then Brandon and I almost ask if he’s supposed to be drinking but keep my mouth shut. Charlie shakes her head when he offers one to her, so he hands the third to me. Logan winks my way, but I can’t really get a read on him. Can’t tell if he thinks of this as one big joke or if he cares that Brandon is here.