by Nyrae Dawn
My couch is small so they’ve pulled the chairs from the kitchen into the living room, Brandon on one, Nate the other and of course Charlie sits next to Nate.
“You guys hungry? There’s leftover pizza,” I say as Logan sits on the couch.
“We’re good,” Nate replies at the same time that Charlie says, “We ate before we got here.”
We’re all quiet. I’m the only one standing and I know I look like an idiot—that I’m being one—so I take a seat on the opposite side of the couch as Logan.
Still, no one speaks.
Logan jumps in to save the day again, when he stands up and heads for the TV. “Anyone want to play some PlayStation? Most of his games are sports but he’s got a few good ones in there.”
“Hell yeah!” Nate stands and walks over by Logan and I can tell it’s fake. Even Charlie’s trying to pretend she’s interested.
But not Brandon. I feel his eyes and know they never shift from me.
Chapter Six
Brandon
Alec and I have spent more time apart than we have together. I mean, I know that we’ve never really completely been together because we both tried so hard for so long to think this was something that we’d get over, but physically we’ve always, always been states apart.
We’ve only ever had the summer for those first three years and then a few weeks together the last summer. And a month ago, just a weekend, but still, every time I saw him, even seeing him for the first time after a year and a half, it felt right. I always felt right, happy. And in some ways I know that’s a screwed-up thing to think because it shouldn’t take another person for anyone to feel good but that’s how it’s been.
Until now.
Suddenly, Alec feels a million miles ahead of me—apart from me in a way he’s never been, even when all we had were phone calls for months on end.
Only part of it is because of the bastard playing games and laughing with my brother and Charlie, who my fingers itch to punch in the face. Mostly it’s just because Alec is somewhere I’ve never been. He’s going places I won’t let myself go. My gut aches because of it but I’m also proud of him. And I want to go there with him too.
It would be me moving around his fucking apartment like it’s mine, or me who he sat with, his hair wet after a shower, because that’s what people do when they’re with someone.
My hand squeezes the hot, unfinished bottle of beer in my hand.
“You guys here for the whole summer?” Logan asks with his eyes on me. It’s the first time since we all sat down over an hour ago that Alec looks at me too.
“I’m here until practice starts in August,” I reply.
Alec shakes his head at that but I’m the only one who notices.
“My dad runs a small lake resort not far from here with Alec’s parents. Nate and I help in the summers.” This from Charlie.
“I know. Alec told me.” Logan’s still eyeing me and I know what he’s doing. He wants me to know that he and Alec are close.
Fuck you, man. Message received.
Charlie gets off the floor where she was with Nate and Logan before sitting in the chair next to me. My brother’s lucky to have her. She’s loyal as hell.
“Brandon’s staying in one of the cabins with us,” she continues.
I don’t know if it’s smart or not but I can’t stop myself from asking Alec, “You’re not working out there this year, are you? I know you have that moving job.”
He shrugs, his face going a little hard but I don’t think it’s about me. “Who knows. Lost my job today so I might have to.”
“Shit. I’m sorry. I know you don’t want to . . .” Everyone’s eyes are on me but right now, fuck them. I make myself continue, “I know it’s shitty being around your dad.”
Alec sets his bottle on the coffee table, leaning forward to put his elbows on his knees, but he doesn’t reply. Just studies me like he can’t believe I just said that. Like it was some big deal and I wonder if maybe it was. “We need to talk.” He pushes to his feet, going right out the door without another word or glance at anyone.
“Another game?” Nate asks Logan.
Silence is all I hear and maybe it makes me a prick for not waiting for Logan to reply since I don’t know if something’s going on with them or not. Still, I stand to follow Alec, wishing there’s a whole lot of other places I would have gone with him.
“Let’s do it.” Logan tells my brother as I close the door behind me. I walk until I find Alec standing by his truck.
“What the fuck are you doing here, Brand?” His eyes narrow at me in a way I’ve only seen one other time—when I called everything off between us.
“I needed to see you.” It’s the only answer I can give. Honesty, because it’s all bullshit if I can’t even be real with him.
“Fuck you, Brandon. You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to not talk to me for over a year, and then treat me like shit when I go to you when you need me. It’s been too long. It’s not that easy anymore.” He’s pacing in front of me, the muscles in his arms and legs tight. “We can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep doing it. What? You want me now because you think Logan does?”
Anger ripples through me, making my body feel as tense as his looks. Reaching out, I grab his arm, try to look him in the eye but he avoids mine. “I’ve always wanted you. You know that.”
Despite how low my voice is, I know he heard when his eyes dart to mine.
I can’t help but concentrate on the feel of his skin under mine—rougher than the girls’ I’ve touched. His muscles constrict under my hand. Damn, he feels so fucking good that I want to squeeze tighter as though that will engrave the feel of him into me forever. It’s a rush to every one of my senses, making me feel alive.
Alec doesn’t give me a chance, jerking his arm from me.
“I didn’t come to screw things up with us even more.” I can’t help but look around to see we’re still alone in the parking lot. “I just . . . I want us to be friends.”
Look at me, look at me, look at me.
He doesn’t.
“I want to find a way to be the person who deserved you. Or maybe I never really did. I know this sounds stupid. I had that ball. Remember the football you—”
“Of course I fucking remember.”
“Yeah, yeah I guess you would. I got in a fight with my brother and then I held it and . . .” I struggle to form the words in my head and then it’s me pacing the way Alec just was.
“And what?” he asks.
We both pause, standing about two feet apart. “I realized I’m not the same person you gave it to. That guy might not have been out but he didn’t hurt you. He didn’t run the way I do now. I want to be him again.”
When Alec is still silent, I add, “I know you’re with—”
“We’re just friends. I told you that. He’s been a good friend.”
When I haven’t been. I get it. I glance away.
“I don’t know if I want to be your friend anymore.”
His words are a knife to my stomach, slow and deadly, taking out anything it finds in its way. And I deserve it. “Yeah . . . yeah, okay.” I almost step toward him but make myself stop. “But I can’t go. I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do or the wrong thing. I need to do this. It’ll kill me if that hurts you but . . . I always felt like I found myself in Lakeland Village, ya know? I mean, I always wondered, but I never knew until I met you. I’m even more lost then I was then, Alec. I’ve got this stupid heart thing and everyone on my back. I need to figure shit out and, hell, maybe I’m being an asshole but I’m not ready to give up. Even though I can’t have you all the way, I . . .”
Alec sighs. “You could’ve had all of me.”
It’s been two days since we left Alec’s apartment. Charlie and Nate have been working around the cabins both days. It’s strange seeing her dad in a wheelchair, but he’s still out there helping any way he can. When we were kids and came here you could tell how much he loved
it. The place was his life and it’s obvious it still is, even though things are hard for him. He washes boats, and he shows people to their cabins and just like he always was, he’s outside doing something.
I’ve always given my all to football like that. It’s been my life. But when I look at him, I don’t know if I want it to be my life forever. Hell, I’m not even fighting for it the way he’s fighting to keep running the place he loves.
“Still can’t believe you’re the same kid who used to run around here, dragging Alec around and playing ball with him.” Alec’s dad steps up next to the porch where I’m sitting, taking my attention from Charlie’s. It’s the same cabin we used to rent when we came here with our parents when we were younger.
“I am, sir. I didn’t drag him around though.” I shrug. “He’s good. I liked playing ball with him.” Turning, I hope like hell Alec’s dad walks away. The last thing I want is to listen to him. He’s always made Alec feel like shit.
“Good for here. He’s not looking to get drafted into the NFL.”
“Could if he wanted. I’m not sure if I’ll be playing this year either.”
“Alec doesn’t fight the way you do. He’s my kid and I love him but hell, even when it came to Charlie, he just let her go. He’d been in love with the girl his whole life. No offense to your brother.” He laughs and the thing is, I know he doesn’t realize he’s being an asshole. It doesn’t change the fact that I’d give anything to knock him out. To tell him Alec was never in love with Charlie and that he doesn’t know shit about his son.
I open my mouth to say something, I don’t even know what—to tell him to fuck off or that Alec fights harder than I ever do, but Alec’s mom steps out of the office across the driveway and yells, “Honey! Can you come here for a second?”
“Be right there.” He replies before looking at me again. “Good having you around. I’d love to sit down with ya sometime and talk football.”
I can’t help but wonder if he’d still want to talk to me if he knew I was in love with his son.
Chapter Seven
Alec
“Not that I wouldn’t love going to a barbecue with your family, where I’d have to pretend to be someone I’m not. I would do it if I wasn’t going out with a guy tonight.” Logan grabs his backpack out of the hall closet and smiles. “We’re going hiking. Did you know I’m a kick-ass hiker?”
“No.” I lean against the wall.
“Is your man still here? I thought we were going to have to throw down when he was here the other night.”
“Is it shitty for me to admit I liked seeing him jealous?” I ask.
Logan laughs. “No. Not after everything he’s put you through.”
“It’s not just him.” On reflex I grab Logan’s arm. “I know it seems like it but it’s not. For the first few years I was just as determined to keep it under wraps as he was.”
Pulling away, he shakes his head. “But you’re not now. That matters, man.” He sets his pack on the couch. Logically, I know he’s right. It’s Brandon who won’t go there, and it’s Brandon who keeps running, but I’ve never pushed him either. I never told him what I want.
“I know it’s easy to make him the asshole but . . . he was always there for me too. Even when shit went down, he would have come to me like I did him if I was the one who got hurt.”
There’s not an ounce of me who doubts that. And he’s still here now. It’s only been a week, but I didn’t expect him to stay.
Logan rolls his eyes. “No offense but I don’t want to talk about him. Hiking was a much better conversation than this. Or even the fact that I bet I’ll get laid tonight.”
I can’t help but laugh. And be jealous too. It shouldn’t be this big a deal to be who I am, but it sucks when I don’t want to do that without Brandon. “I really don’t want to go out to the cabins tonight.”
Logan starts putting the supplies he had on his couch, in the pack. “Nervous to see your guy?”
My groan is hard to bite back. “He’s not mine. You should stop calling him that.”
“You’re his though.” He stops to look at me. “Don’t get me wrong, I hate the guy on principle but meeting him? It makes it harder to hate him when I see the way he looks at you.”
Heat shoots through me. I know I should deny what he said, but I can’t. I’ve never trusted anyone the way I trust Brandon and I know how he feels about me.
“It’s not enough though.” Logan sobers. “And you shouldn’t have to wait. I mean, he’s fucking hot and all but I’m better.” His eyes hold mine for a minute and I try to figure out what he’s telling me. If he’s saying what I think he is.
Before I can reply, Logan continues, “Anyway, you should go. Zane will be here in a little while and I’ve got shit to do.”
Pushing off the wall, I hold my fist out for Logan. He bumps it with his. “Have fun, man.”
“Like there’s any doubt?”
I’m pretty sure he’s right. Shaking my head, I smile at him before walking out the door.
“Hello?”
The second he answers the phone, I start rambling. “I almost told him . . . Brand. He was talking about ball and this girl whose always hanging around that likes me and I was going so fucking crazy that I almost told him. I’m so tired of it. I just want . . .”
“Chase! Get the fuck over here, man. We’re leaving with or without you.”
Immediately I know he’s with his friends from the team. Anger creates a whirlwind inside me that threatens to suck me under. “I’ll let you go.”
“Don’t. Don’t hang up.” And then to the people he’s with I hear him say, “Go ahead and go.”
“What? You’re ditching us, Chase. You’re such a fucking bastard.” They all laugh.
“You ever think something more important than you came up?”
I hear it in his voice, he’s trying to play it off, maybe make them think he’s going to meet some girl but I know—I know he’s leaving them because he knows I need him. He always does.
There’s sound in the background, which I think is Brandon walking away. There’s a car door slamming and then he asks, “What did he say to you, baby? Jesus, I hate your dad.”
That easily, things start to feel a little better. “Nothing . . . The same old thing, really. I’m just tired of hearing about when he was young, and what football meant and how many girls he had. He gives me shit about Charlie and hanging on to wait for her, and he doesn’t even know . . .” That I’m in love with you.
“I’m sorry. I feel like such a prick. I should be going there this summer. Don’t let him make you feel like shit. He doesn’t know . . . He doesn’t know how incredible you are.”
“Yeah?” I ask him.
“Yeah . . .”
I practically hear him thinking on the other end of the line, hear him feeling like shit.
“Well obviously. Who could doubt that?” I tease and Brandon laughs. We talk for a few more minutes before I say I have to go. His brother will be here in two days and this is the first summer Brandon isn’t coming. He’s got some trip planned with some of the people on his team.
Two days later I’m outside working with Charlie when their car pulls up. His parents get out, and then Nate. I swear she almost lights up, this rush of jealousy setting root inside me. Not because I love her like everyone thinks but because I want what she has.
And then the other door opens, and Brandon gets out. Charlie runs up to Nate and jumps in his arms and now it’s anger that takes hold of me—at Nate, at Charlie, even at Brandon. Because he came. He came when he knew I needed him but I can’t show anyone how important that is to me.
The Village, what we call the cabins, is packed like it is every summer for the celebration. Charlie’s dad started it years ago. It’s a big welcome to beginning of the season where they have a cookout, music, and dancing on a small floor set up not far from the lake. When we were kids, Charlie and I used to have a blast here. When we got older, it wasn’t as fun for
her, but I still liked it. It was normal and at the time I wanted to hang on to every piece of normal I had in my life.
Now, I think that word’s a lie.
My parents are more involved now, my dad running the grills as Charlie’s dad travels along the new concrete path they put in to help him get around in his wheelchair.
Brandon is sitting in one of the chairs by the sand, picking at a football in his hands. My old ball.
“He’s still having a hard time.” Charlie steps up next to me.
“Not my business or my problem.”
“Maybe, maybe not. It doesn’t mean you don’t care though.”
I glance at her and she smiles. I can’t make myself return it though. “Is he working out at all?”
“Nate says he’s pretending to but not really doing it.”
“Shit.” It’s hard to understand Brandon sometimes. He loves football, but he resents it too. He feels trapped by it but that love of the game is still woven into him. He’s always been into fitness and even though he doesn’t know where his head is right now, he has to miss the rush of a long run, of being active.
“I remember you guys always off doing something when we were teenagers. It used to drive me crazy. I didn’t know how two people could be so into sports as you both were. I thought that’s all you cared about. Now I’m wondering how much of that was really about the game and how much was you guys wanting to be alone together.”
Without looking at her, I reply, “It started out about football. That was always part of it but then it was more about us.”
Charlie sighs and I know she’s sad for me. For both Brandon and I. “We could both do something to change it but neither of us do.” I watch as he runs his hand over the ball. “He said he wants to be worthy of it . . . That he wants to be the person I gave it to.”
And he’s not. I mean, I know he’s still Brandon but he used to always joke around. He laughed, teased, and was happy. That’s not what I see when I look at him anymore and it kills me.
