by Nyrae Dawn
“He’s living a lie, Alec. You haven’t come out, but you’re still you. You have Logan and I have no doubt that one day, you’ll be proud enough of who you are that you won’t care what anyone else thinks. I don’t know if he can do that.”
“He can.” The answer is automatic. “You don’t know him like I do. He can.” He just won’t.
Brandon was the one who acted first on what we felt. He was the one who touched me first, and kissed me first and told me that he was falling for me. He’d been scared as hell but he’d done it. That piece of him seems to be lost now.
As if he knows we’re talking about him, Brand looks up, his eyes landing right on me. His hair is messy. And even though he’s not standing, I know his shorts are baggy enough that the top of his boxer-briefs sticks out, and that even though he’s not in the same shape he was, his abs are so fucking nice.
He has the body of a running back—lithe, strong, and fast.
He nods his head at me, a half smirk tilting his lips. Right now, he looks like the Brandon I used to know. He holds up the ball and I know he’s asking me if I want to play.
“You should go,” Charlie whispers.
It’s something so small but something we haven’t done in so long. I miss it. Wish for that little piece of normal that used to be Brandon and me.
One step, then another. As I’m about to take the third, I hear, “Alec! Where are you going?”
I turn at the sound of Dad’s voice as him and Mom walk up. “Nowhere. The party seems to be going well.”
“It was a helluva hard day. It would have been nice if you could have helped.”
Something brushes against my arm and I don’t have to look to know Brandon came over to us.
“It’s not his fault he had to work. You can’t blame him for holding down a job.” Mom wraps her arm through Dad’s.
But I wasn’t at work. I lost my job and don’t plan on telling you.
“Doesn’t mean it wouldn’t help to have him around. This place is something we all took on. Charlie came home to help.”
“I came to see my dad,” Charlie says.
“Wanna come play ball?” Brandon asks.
I only glimpse at him before I turn away. He’s trying to save me when he doesn’t have to do it.
“Nah, that’s okay. I need to take care of some stuff here. How are we on ice?” I direct the last part at Dad.
“I don’t know. It’s been a while since I checked. You need to refill the oil in the lamps. We need to talk about your schedule too, so I know how much you can help this summer.”
“Do you always work long hours like the other day?” Brandon asks. This time I can’t help staring at him. He knows damn well I didn’t work late the other day just like he knows there’s not even a job right now.
He sees I don’t want to be here too . . . Without telling him, he sees it.
Brand looks at my dad. “We stopped by his place when we first drove into down. We had to wait forever since he worked late, but Charlie wouldn’t let us leave.”
She laughs. “I missed my friend. Plus, he was barbecuing for us. I didn’t want to miss that.” She lies just as smoothly as Brandon.
“Yeah it’s tough in the summer. That’s when a lot of people move.” Which is true. I’m sure they’re real busy.
“Are you going to be able to help much?” Mom looks at me.
“Probably not too much . . . I’ll do what I can though.” It makes me a jerk that I don’t want to be here to help out my own family, especially when the money would come in handy. Being around every day isn’t an option though. It makes me feel worse about myself.
“Damn it. I guess I’ll have to figure something out. Way to leave us hanging.” Dad laughs, playfully pushing at my shoulder. He’s pissed though. He wouldn’t argue for a second if I told him I’d quit my job and help this summer. He’d consider it being responsible for my family. It’s what a real man would do.
Chapter Eight
Brandon
Sitting in a chair on the porch of our cabin, I put my feet up on the wood railing. Nate and Charlie are inside and I really don’t want to interrupt them. I feel like shit for busting in on their summer together. I’m sure they didn’t want to share their cabin with Nate’s screwed-up big brother but everything else had already been booked.
The air is still warm, sticking to me, even though it’s late. Everyone left hours ago, and Alec before the rest. I couldn’t read the look on his face when everything went down with this dad. I used to know that shit. Would know what’s going on but it’s obvious he doesn’t want him to find out he’s not working. I’m pretty sure it’s because he doesn’t want to spend the summer with him.
The flash of a light toward the driveway entrance catches my eye. Without seeing him clearly, I know it belongs to Alec.
It would be embarrassing as hell if anyone knew it but my heart rate kicks up the closer he gets to me. Alec doesn’t stop when he gets to the porch, though. He just mumbles, “Come on,” and nods his head toward the woods behind the cabin where we snuck off to so many times when we were younger.
Without hesitation, I stand and grab the flashlight on the railing of the porch. Taking the three porch stairs quickly I follow behind Alec as he weaves through the trees and to the spot we used to meet each other. When we get to the small clearing, he stops with his back to me. There’s this ache in my gut, fears twisting up my insides, scared of what he might say.
Alec turns to face me. “Do you remember the third summer . . .?”
“When we got caught out here by Charlie?”
He smiles and some of the ache eases out of me.
“No, the beginning. How you weren’t going to come but then I called you and you . . . showed up.”
I take a step toward him. “Don’t make a hero out of me because of that. I wanted to see you. I missed you.”
“But you wouldn’t have come. If I didn’t call, you wouldn’t have come.”
Shaking my head, I say, “That’s not a good thing. We both know I wanted to be here. The fact that I wouldn’t have come makes me a pussy.”
“The fact that I didn’t have the balls to call you up and tell you I wanted you here, makes me the same thing.”
When I don’t reply, he continues. “I also remember you texted me that night. Nate was out with Charlie and we could have gotten caught sneaking out together but you still asked me to meet you. We took the football out and played in the dark. We kept tripping over shit and laughing. Remember when you fell and ran into that tree? That was funny as hell.”
I shake my head. “That wasn’t an accident.”
“I know.”
Quiet, he looks away from me. I shrug, even though he can’t see me. “I could tell you were upset. Wanted to make you laugh.”
We’re silent for what seems like a year before he looks at me. “You don’t laugh anymore.”
No, no I don’t. Not honestly, at least. “I feel like I’m being eaten alive, from the inside out and there’s nothing I can do about it. Hell, it’s my own fault. I pretend it’s this stupid fucking heart injury that broke me but it wasn’t. It was me.” I’ve always been broken.
This time it’s Alec who takes a step closer to me. Then another one and my breath catches.
“I want you to smile again too. It’s in there, Brand. I saw it tonight. When you had the ball and then when we were talking to my dad.”
I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do but it’s the only thing I can do. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t stop myself. I step toward Alec and slide my free hand around the back of his neck. It only takes a gentle tug to bring him even closer, his hand moving to the same place on me that mine rests on him.
Alec closes his eyes and drops his forehead to mine. Neither of us talks, and I wonder if he’s just feeling the way I am. It’s that same rush that sweeps through me every time I touch him, my nerve endings like live wires, sparking with electricity. Everything inside me screams that this is r
ight. He’s right. How can anyone not understand this? How can I fight us?
“How do we end up like this so quickly?” he asks.
Quickly? It feels like it’s been forever to me. In reply, I lean back enough so I can kiss his forehead. Kiss the corner of his lips.
I freeze against him when he mumbles, “I’m still pissed too . . .”
Everything inside me wants to keep going but the ache of knowing I hurt him is stronger. “Shit, I’m sorry. I thought. I don’t know what I thought.”
When I try to pull away, his hand fists in my hair, his grip tightening so I can’t move away from him.
“I’m not saying no. We both know how this will end but I can’t stand having you here and not being close to you either.”
“I know.” I run my hand through the back of his hair. Squeeze him because it feels so fucking good just to touch him again. “I’m sorry. Nothing I’ve ever had feels as right as you.”
Alec pulls far enough away from me that we can look at each other. “Holy shit, you’ve gotten sappy.”
I laugh, and it’s a real laugh and I can tell he knows it because Alec’s hold on me tightens and he’s smiling too.
“Don’t make me kick your ass.”
Alec steps back. As he does I let my hand trace a path down his back. He’s firm and muscular, making me wish like hell I could take his shirt off. Feel the contour of his body that matches mine.
“Can you borrow Nate’s car tomorrow?”
I almost brought my truck to Virginia too but decided not to. “I’m sure I could.”
“Drive down to my place. Hit the gym with me and then we can . . . I don’t know, hang out or something after.”
“There it is. I see your ulterior motive now. You’re just trying to get me to train.” There’s a playfulness to my voice I haven’t used in so long.
“Yeah, right. I know you. You don’t do anything you don’t want to do. Get your ass down there and let me show you up.”
I give him a small nod because this feels like something for me. It’s not training to get into shape for football. It’s not trying to get past my injury. It’s doing something I want to do, something I like. It feels like those days when we were younger and we played ball or whatever the hell we wanted and had fun.
He tells me a time and then says he has to go. He parked his truck down the street and I try not to let anger hit me that we have to do shit like that. Alec starts to walk away, but I reach out, and thread a finger through his belt loop. Stopping, he looks at me. He says I was the golden boy but he is. His hair’s so blond and his eyes so damn blue.
“I’m sorry.” The flashlight allows him to see my eyes aren’t leaving his.
Alec nods. He doesn’t ask what for because he knows. We’ve always been like that. “I know. Prove it to me though. We’ll do this. We’ll be friends like you said. You’ll train and kick ass like you always do. Then you’ll go back to school and play ball and we’ll have had one last summer.”
My hand falls free when he walks away, disappearing into the trees.
“Mom called me this morning.” Nate looks up as I approach him out by the lake.
We’ve only been here a week yet he’s brought up our parents at least a dozen times. I’m pretty sure I can guess what’s coming next. “She called me too. I was in the shower but I haven’t called her back yet.”
“She asked what you’ve been doing since you’ve been here. She’s worried about you. You’re supposed to be training. If you don’t want to play anymore, why don’t you just say it?”
“I never said I didn’t want to play. You don’t get it.” I don’t know what I want. Football is all I’m good at.
“You’re not acting like it. You haven’t done shit since you got cleared by the doc to work out.” He doesn’t raise his voice but Nate doesn’t have to for people to realize he’s disappointed in them. He’s always done the right thing even when it’s not easy. When we were younger he stuck up for a girl when her boyfriend got pushy with her, even though it turned our little town against him. That’s the way he is. The repercussions don’t matter as long as it’s what’s right.
“Not all of us can be like you.” I wish like hell I could walk away from him but I can’t. “Listen, I was going to ask if I could borrow your car but maybe you should take me down so I can rent my own. It would be easier.”
That changes the expression on his face and he cocks his head a little. “Where are you going?”
“Do I need to ask your permission to leave? Did Mom and Dad make you my keeper while we’re here?”
Nate shakes his head. “Stop being an asshole. I’m just curious.”
Pushing my hands in my pockets, I groan. “I’m going to the gym . . . with Alec.”
I can tell Nate wants to say something about that but it would make us both uncomfortable as hell. How do you talk to your brother about the guy he’s into? We didn’t really talk about stuff before he found out about Alec and starting now isn’t something either of us wants to do.
“Keys are in the cabin on the kitchen table.”
“Thanks, man.” And then because I know I’ve been a prick to him, I add, “For everything. My head’s all fucked up right now and I’m taking it out on you. You’ve . . . you’ve been cool about . . . everything.” There’s no doubt he would rather me be into any other guy except Alec. They have too much history because of Charlie.
“You’re my brother. I’ll always have your back.”
“I have yours too.” We bump knuckles and then I’m jogging toward the cabin. After changing into a pair of basketball shorts, tank top, and my shoes, I grab some clothes to change into after working out and pack them in a bag.
Snatching the keys off the table, I head straight to Nate’s car, determined not to let myself overthink what I’m doing.
That I’m about to be alone with Alec in a way we haven’t been for so long.
That for the first time since they opened my chest, since I learned I might lose the one thing that defines who I am, I’m about to take a step toward trying to get it back.
Too bad I don’t know if I really want it, the way I’ve always known I want him.
When I pull into Alec’s apartment complex he’s standing outside. My grip on the steering wheel tightens, wondering if he’s going to call the whole thing off.
This spark of anger, of determination I haven’t felt in so damn long surges through me and I pull the car up to him, rolling down the window. “Get in.”
He said we were doing this, we’re doing it.
Alec opens the door and climbs into the car. “That’s why I’m standing here.” He pauses for a second before adding, “You thought I changed my mind?”
“No.” I pull away even though I’m not sure which direction to go.
“Shut the hell up.” He smiles. “You did too.”
It’s not like I’m going to admit it. “Where’s the gym?”
I hear Alec chuckle as he clicks his seatbelt on. “Not admitting it doesn’t make it less true, ya know? And we’re not going to the gym.”
An unexpected pang hits my gut. “I thought—”
“Have you done anything since the accident?”
The answer embarrasses me. “No.”
He flips his cell over and over in his hand. “I don’t know. We can go if you want to. I figured you might not want to be around a ton of people the first time. We won’t have weights but I thought you might want to work into it. Maybe go for a jog or something to see what you can do.”
At that my whole body goes loose. The weights I didn’t realize had landed in my stomach, chest everywhere drop away . . .
“If you wanna hit the gym we can. I’m cool either way. We’ll have to get you a guest pass real quick but—”
“No. We’ll do that next time. Going for a jog or something sounds good for today.”
Neither of us mentions my use of the words “next time.”
Chapter Nine
Alec
“There’s a lake not too far away. It’s smaller than The Village and man-made. There are some trails around it that I like. I go jogging there sometimes. People play Frisbee and stuff in this big grassy area out there too.”
Brandon looks over at me and for a second I let myself really look at him. In so many ways he’s so different. You wouldn’t think someone could change that much in a year and a half but he has. In other ways he’s the same too. The wrinkle in his forehead says he’s surprised at something I said.
“You jog a lot now?”
He’s already turned back to the road when I shrug. “Not a lot. Sometimes I feel like doing something but don’t want to be in the gym. I like going out to the lake. It’s like being home without actually having to go there.” I realize how stupid that sounds since I’m less than an hour away from where I grew up. “Not that I’m all that far or anything but—”
“That doesn’t matter. How far from home you go means nothing. A person can run to the other side of the world but it doesn’t mean shit if they’re the same person when they get there as they were when they left. You might not have gone far from home but inside you’ve traveled a whole hell of a lot farther than most people . . . farther than me.”
I can’t help but scoff at that. “How? Because I’ve kissed a guy and then lost it when he jacked me off? I haven’t done anything that matters.”
Brandon flinches, his hands visibly squeezing the steering wheel. Guilt burns through me but then I’m not going to hide what happened with Logan and me, either. It could have been him. It should have been. The only reason another guy even had the chance to touch me is because Brandon pushed me away.
“It’s a step,” he bites out. “And that’s not the only way you’ve changed.”
He doesn’t say anything else and I don’t ask him. It doesn’t take us long to get to the trails. Brandon parks off the side of the road where I point him to and we both get out of the car.
There’s a bunch of rocks lined up separating the small parking area and trees and trails behind it. Three other cars are here but I know there are a few other spots too so who knows how many people are out today.
