Rush

by Nyrae Dawn

  “No. Screw that. You’re not paying my bills, Brand.”

  “It’s not a big deal.” But I know it is. I wouldn’t let him pay for my stuff either.

  “Don’t bullshit me.”

  Pausing, I run the words over in my head a million times, wondering if I should say them but knowing I will anyway. After tonight, I’m not ready to walk away from him yet—not that I ever am. But it also has to be his call. I’m the one who didn’t give him a say when I walked away, he deserves this one. “What about us?” Rolling over, I lean up on my elbow and look down at him.

  There’s a tiny scar by his left nipple that I don’t remember noticing before. I was right about his abs, each muscle defined.

  “Before I thought you were going to be a prick when you grabbed me on the porch, I was going to talk to you about that.” But then he pauses. I wait for him to speak again, letting Alec run the show. “When you came here to tell me it was over—”

  The bottom drops out of my gut.

  “I didn’t say anything. I know I probably couldn’t have changed your mind but I could have fought a little harder. You could have died in that accident and I would have regretted it forever. With Logan—”

  “Argh. Do we really have to talk about him?”

  “He’s my friend, Brand. And yeah, we do. When he tried to hook up with me, I freaked out. I regretted it after. It’s not that I really wanted him all that much but enough that I shouldn’t have kicked him out. It shouldn’t be like that. I’m tired of letting shit pass me by. There’s never been anything I’ve wanted like I want you. I don’t want you to be another regret. Not again.”

  My heart is going a million miles an hour but I don’t care. All I can focus on is him.

  “So yeah . . . I want it this time. We both know what it is now. I know you’re leaving and you know you’re leaving but you’re here now. So I say we do it. We just fucking pretend, and we be happy and when it’s time, we man up and say good-bye. Until then we enjoy ourselves and you train and . . .”

  I don’t want to, don’t ever want to tell him good-bye. That’s not how I reply though. “It’s gonna get tough without a car. I can’t keep borrowing Nate and Charlie’s. And there’s no gym in Lakeland Village. If I’m going to train to get back on the football field, I need to be by the gym.”

  Alec looks up at me. “I have a spare room. It’s the right thing to do . . . letting you stay here. I mean, for your football career and all.”

  My answer is cupping his cheek with my hand and then leaning down to kiss him. Alec moans into my mouth and it’s so fucking hot, I immediately get hard again.

  “Look at you. Who knew Brandon Chase was so romantic. You better take me out and kick my ass on the football field so I know you’re still a man. I’m not into girls, ya know.”

  I shove him and Alec rolls over, laughing. “Fuck you. I’ll kick your ass right here if you say that again.” And then because I knew he won’t expect it, I put my mouth next to his ear. “That’s not all I’ll do to it either.”

  He’s lying on his stomach now, but lifts his head and faces me. “Point made. I know exactly who you are.”

  A buzz comes from the hallway screaming at us that the washer is done. Alec goes to get up, but I put a hand on his back. “I got it.”

  It’s one of those stackable ones so the dryer’s right above the washer. I toss the clothes and stuff in before turning it on. The lights are still on in the living room, so I go in there, make sure the doors are locked and then turn everything off. Now I get to be the guy who’s at home here.

  My body is all primed on the way back to the room. It’s not like this is the first time Alec and I have spent nights in bed together but we’re on a different level now than we were before.

  The hallway’s dark as I make my way down it. Before I even get to his door, I see Alec, laid out on his stomach, one of his legs bent and an arm thrown up above his head.

  I scratch the scar running up the middle of my bare chest, though I’m not sure why. It didn’t even itch.

  Still, after all the shit we’ve been through, I love him. And I have six weeks with him.

  I hit the light before walking over and, shutting the laptop down before getting into bed. Lying on my side, I wrap an arm around Alec’s waist and go to sleep.

  My eyes just sort of pop open for no reason. The room’s still dark and I’m guessing it’s an hour or two before the sun comes up. Alec’s still passed out pretty much in the same position he was in when he fell asleep, except he’s turned toward me now instead of the other direction.

  My hand twitches with the urge to touch him. To run my finger down the middle of his back, just to feel his skin, and make sure he’s really here. I shake my head, embarrassed of my own thoughts—of how sappy I am when it comes to him.

  “I am such a fucking idiot,” I mumble, with a smile on my face.

  Even though I don’t want to, I slip out of the bed. I take a quick leak before rinsing my mouth out with some mouthwash, which is all I can do until I get back to The Village to brush my teeth.

  After grabbing my clothes from the dryer, I change quickly before checking the time to see it’s four a.m.

  Quietly I go back into Alec’s room, and kneel on the floor next to him. Brushing my fingers over his shoulder blade, I whisper, “Hey.”

  He moans and for some reason it shoots straight to my crotch, instantly making me hard again.

  “I’m going to go, Al. I want to get Nate’s car back to him. And talk to him . . . you know, about everything.”

  He groans again before rolling over to look at me, his eyes fluttering. I tilt my cell the other direction so the light isn’t right in his eyes.

  “You’re still coming back? Didn’t expect that.” His words are slurred.

  I hate that he has every right to doubt me. “Yeah. I’m coming back. I meant what I said.”

  “Hold up a sec. I’ll get dressed and go with you.” He moves but I put my hand on his back again.

  “No. It’s early. Go back to bed. If anyone sees, they’ll wonder why you came with me at four thirty in the morning.”

  “Good point.” His eyes are closed, already falling asleep again.

  “I’ll text you later, when I have all my shit together and you can come get me. Or I can have Nate bring me back if you want.”

  “I’ll come,” tumbles out of his mouth.

  I think he’d always come for me. “I know.” Leaning forward, I kiss the corner of his mouth before pushing to my feet and sneaking out of the room.

  The whole drive back to the cabins I can’t stop thinking about how easy and natural last night was.

  How right it felt. If we could keep locked away like that, we’d always be happy.

  When I get back to the cabins, my plan is to sneak in as quietly as I can. It’s not as if Nate and Charlie don’t know where I was or that I didn’t come home last night but I also don’t want to go make a big deal of it either. When I go inside, Nate’s passed out on the couch.

  He jumps up the second the door closes, obviously not as sound a sleeper as Alec.

  “Did you really try to stay up waiting for me?” It surprises me when I smile.

  He rubs his eyes. “When you say it like that it sounds a little creepy but . . .” He shrugs. “I was worried about you.”

  Translation: he thought I would freak out, bail on Alec, and then need someone to talk to. Talk about making me feel weak as hell.

  “Nothing to worry about. Everything’s good.” Better than good. “I’d still be there if I didn’t want to make sure I got your car back to you.” I’m tired of feeling weak.

  I hid being with Alec, pretty much for four years. I’ve always hid who I was. I talked shit about dating girls and sleeping with girls, trying to cover the fact that I was really with him. For once, I just . . . want it to feel normal. Want to treat our relationship like anyone else would.

  “I know you and Charlie probably want your space, so I’m gonna
stay with Alec for the rest of the summer.” My back is to him, as I go the fridge and open it. I have the orange juice out and a cup half filled when Nate finally replies.

  “No shit?”

  I shrug before taking a drink. “Why not? He has the space and there’s a gym close by. He’s going to start training with me every day.”

  Nate gets up and walks into the kitchen. “Are you guys . . .?” Nate doesn’t finish his sentence.

  “Are we really going to talk about this, man? And not just because he’s a guy. It’s not like I sit around talking to you about Charlie.”

  “A long time ago you asked me if I loved her.”

  I ignore him.

  “Do you trust anyone?” he asks, making me feel even worse than I already do. I always tell myself I’m going to trust him more, get closer to him. He tried like hell to be there for me when he found out about Alec.

  “I trust you . . . and I trust him.” I shrug. “I’ve always loved him, but that doesn’t change how things are. We’re just gonna chill. We both want to spend these last few weeks together and then we’re really going to end it for good.”

  He frowns, obviously not approving.

  “That reminds me, he doesn’t want anyone here to know about his job, okay? Can you make sure Charlie doesn’t tell either? He doesn’t want to have to spend every day here with his dad.”

  Nate nods. I hit him on the arm. “Thanks, man.” Turning, I head toward my room.

  “I hope you know what you’re doing, bro.” His voice is serious.

  I don’t turn around. I hope I do too.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Alec

  My cell rings in the morning. Without looking, I know who it is. Grabbing it, I see it’s 10:00 a.m. and that I’m right, it’s Charlie. I almost don’t answer but I know her and she won’t stop trying so I might as well deal with it now.

  “What?”

  “Well hello to you too.” I wait for her to continue because there’s no stopping her anyway. “Brandon stayed the night at your house, Alec. That’s pretty huge for you guys.”

  “I love you, Charlie, but you’re crazy if you think I’m talking to you about this.”

  She sighs. “I had a feeling you’d say that. Nate said Brandon’s coming back to stay with you.”

  “Makes sense. The gym’s right here. I have an extra room.”

  “And we both know that has nothing to do with it.”

  Instead of replying to that, I change the subject. “You didn’t say anything about my job, right?”

  “No . . . It never came up and Brandon told Nate this morning not to mention it.”

  “Cool.” I sit up in bed, and scratch my chest. He’s really doing it. Coming to stay here with me. For six weeks.

  “I know you don’t want to talk about it but can I ask you one question? I’m worried about you.”

  Damn it. This is the last thing I want to deal with it. “One question as long as you keep it to yourself if you don’t like my answer.”

  “Alec—”

  “I’m serious, Charlie. I’m not walking away from this.”

  “Okay then, that’s my question. What’s ‘this’? Are you guys back together? Are you trying to make this work?”

  A laugh falls out of my mouth. “That’s more than one question.”

  “And you’re not answering on purpose! Alec . . . I love Brandon, but you’re my priority. I need to make sure you’re going to be okay.”

  Standing up, I walk into my living room, my shirt still on the floor from last night. Holy shit that was hot.

  “Alec?”

  I collapse onto the couch and put my feet on the coffee table. “You’re the one who called me when he was hurt, Charlie. Now you’re worried I’m spending time with him?”

  “I’m concerned that he’s moving in with you!” she shouts.

  It’s obvious now that I shouldn’t have answered the phone. “Listen, I know you’re worried but I’m doing this. I’m doing it for me. Too much passes me by and I’m not gonna let him and this summer be one of them, okay? I know exactly what’s going to happen this time. He’s leaving for school in August and he’ll go into the draft and the NFL. That’ll be the end of it.” It doesn’t mean I like knowing where we’ll end up but I need this time too.

  “I just don’t get what the rush is, ya know?”

  “Rush?” We’ve been playing this game with each other for five years. “I’m not even going to reply to that.”

  She pauses, which is something she doesn’t usually do. There’s more she wants but finally settles on, “I know he loves you but that won’t stop you from getting hurt. You know I want you guys together, Alec. I always have. Be careful, okay?”

  Frustrated, I rub a hand over my face. We’re just having fun. Both of us deserve that. “It’ll be fine, Charlie. I know what I’m doing.” Knowing will help me accept it when Brand leaves.

  Brandon waited until my dad was gone to text me but of course he’s back by the time I get there to pick Brand up. My whole body is in knots like it is every time I see him. The older I get the more the knots multiply and the tighter they get.

  He might not believe Brandon’s renting my spare room. He might question it. I don’t want him to call me a pussy . . . to call me a fag.

  The fact is, it’ll happen soon enough. I have zero doubts how things will go down when I tell him I’m gay, but damned if I want it to ruin the rest of the summer. All I want right now is the next six weeks.

  “What are you doing here?” He wipes the sweat from his forehead but there’s a smile on his face. Dad and I have always spent a lot of time together. He’s what made me start loving football but everything else he knows about me is a lie.

  “I switched shifts with one of the guys at work.”

  Leaves crackle and a twig breaks, and I know Brand must be walking up to us.

  “So you came to help your old man out? You’re a hard worker just like your dad, kid.”

  You wouldn’t be saying that if you knew. You wouldn’t want a queer like me to be anything like you.

  “Still a little soft sometimes. I was playing college ball and had three girlfriends at the same time when I was your age. You got a lot of catching up to do.” He laughs and I laugh too because that’s just what I do. I definitely don’t remind him that he got hurt halfway through his freshman year, dropped out and came back home to marry Mom. He always thought Charlie would be to me what Mom is to him—and I guess I did too.

  As soon as he reaches us, Brandon steps right up beside me.

  “Maybe I’ve already started catching up. I had a whole hell of a lot of fun last night.”

  Brandon stiffens next to me. Dad grabs me, playfully putting me in a headlock while giving me a noogie. “That’s my boy.”

  I make myself laugh again before pushing him away. “Get off. I didn’t come to help either. I came to get Brandon. He’s going to start training again so he can get in shape for senior year. It’ll be a lot easier for him in town with the gym right there.”

  “No shit?” Dad beams at Brandon, the way he never really looked at me. I was always good at football but he never pushed it on me, even though he’d tried to leave Lakeland Village to play. When I was young, I didn’t really get it. When I got older I realized it’s because he didn’t think I could do it. He never expected me to go all the way. In a lot of ways that was perfect because I didn’t want to leave. If I stayed here it would be easy to pretend I was the Alec everyone thought I was. I’d marry my best friend and be normal. Things didn’t work out that way.

  “Yeah.” There’s a harsh edge to Brandon’s voice and he crosses his arms. Dad doesn’t seem to notice.

  “Good for you!” Dad replies to him.

  “Alec’s helping me train. He kicks my ass out there.”

  “When you get back tonight, we’ll have to swap college stories.”

  Half a season. You only played for half a fucking season.

  “I won’t be back
tonight. I left my car in New York and since I’m going to be at the gym so much, I asked Alec if I could rent his spare room for a few weeks.”

  Dad’s hand comes down on my shoulder. “Good for you. That’s a nice thing for you to do for your friend.”

  “Thanks.” His hand on me is like a disease—one that wants into my blood so it can spread quickly. It makes me step away.

  “Can you help me get my shit?” Brandon’s already walking away before the last word leaves his mouth.

  “Get out of here. I’ll catch you guys later. Good luck, Brandon!” Dad shouts, as I jog after Brand.

  The second we get in the cabin, he slams the door. “Fucking-A it kills me not to knock him out.”

  “He doesn’t mean to be a dick, Brand. He doesn’t get it.” The smaller room is right off the living room so I head to it, figuring that must be where he’s staying.

  “That doesn’t make it okay.” He’s following behind me.

  “And I’m also not a girl. I don’t need you to defend me.” The bedroom door clicks closed behind him.

  “Hey. That’s not what I meant.”

  When I turn to face him, he steps up to me, no more than a couple inches between us. Brandon’s eyes dart to the window, where he must find the blinds closed because he hooks a finger under my chin and tilts my head up. “I know exactly who you are.”

  His lips brush mine and it’s way too slow and soft for me. I slip my tongue between his lips and he sucks it into his mouth, before letting it go again. I sweep his mouth before retreating and then it’s his tongue doing the exploring.

  “I like the feel of this.” With this thumb he rubs the stubble on my face.

  “You don’t need to give me compliments to screw me.”

  Brandon laughs. “It used to be me who always had something sarcastic to say. I need to catch up.”

  I don’t get how his team or his friends don’t get how he’s changed. Or maybe he just fakes it better around them then he does me. “I’m sure you will. I’ll be telling you to shut up and leave me alone in no time.”