Rush

by Nyrae Dawn

  She pauses at that. “That’s a big move. What about school?”

  I clear my throat. “I’m transferring. I’ve always wanted out of Virginia and since I’m just in community college, it’s easy for me to make the switch.”

  Brandon cuts me off, “There’s nothing wrong with community college.”

  I tighten my fists, wishing I could kick his ass. It pisses me off when he thinks he has to defend me, especially when it comes to his mom asking about school. Yeah, we’re planning on telling them, but how many times are we going to have to cover when we do stupid stuff like that in front of other people?

  “Thanks, Mom.”

  He looks up and catches my eye in the rearview mirror.

  The rest of the ride to their house, Brandon and I are mostly quiet. Judy makes up for it with talk about Josh, Dad’s work, her excitement over helping Nate and Charlie with their new apartment and how she thinks he’ll probably ask her to marry him soon. “The good thing is they’re both such smart kids. They both realize how important education is and they have a good head on their shoulders. They’ll be smart enough not to do something now to jeopardize their future.”

  I lower myself in the seat. Will she think of me as jeopardizing Brandon’s future?

  As soon as we get to their house, Brandon and I take our things upstairs. I automatically head straight to the guest room and leave my bag there. I’m walking out when Brandon steps into the doorway. “It’ll be hard tonight . . . I’ll sneak in here though. They go to bed early so it shouldn’t be a big deal.”

  But it is. We just got here and it’s already a big fucking deal. Silently I berate myself for freaking out but I can’t seem to stop it either.

  “Maybe we shouldn’t,” I shrug. “Not till we tell them, at least. How bad would that suck if we got caught?”

  He crosses his arms. “You didn’t worry about that before.”

  Because I wasn’t your boyfriend then. We weren’t about to admit to them we’re gay and I wasn’t going to move into your apartment where we plan to lie to everyone, when one slip could easily screw everything up for you.

  “It’s different now.”

  Brandon flinches. “If you don’t want to do this, tell me, now.”

  “Don’t put words into my mouth. That’s not what I said.” What am I saying? I don’t know why everything suddenly feels so screwed up.

  “Brandon! Your dad’s home with Josh. Come down. They’re going to want to see you!” his mom calls up the stairs. Brandon shakes his head before turning his back to me and heading for the stairs. Trying to get used to faking it, I jog down behind him.

  The night doesn’t get any better after that. Brandon and I hardly talk. His dad asks about training and football, how proud they are of him and how excited he must be to get back into the groove of things with his team.

  They tell him they’re planning a trip to Ohio for one of his home games with a bunch of their friends. It’s a big deal—his senior year and going to the NFL draft. My mind wanders the whole time. This is what I wanted—us to be honest, at least with someone but now I can’t stop worrying what they’ll think or if they’ll be pissed that I could screw things up for Brand.

  His dad reaches over the kitchen table where we’re talking and squeezes Brandon’s shoulder. “I have to admit, I didn’t see this coming. You were always so different than your brother when you were a kid. I want you to know you’ve done well, Brandon. We couldn’t be prouder of you.”

  I’m the only one at this table who knows what those words mean to him. To know what he hears in them. That he was nothing before football. His dad didn’t see him doing anything with his life, and he has to make it work.

  It takes everything inside me not to say something. Not to tell them how that makes him feel but then I see it, all smiles and love . . . they look at him differently than my dad looks at me. How can I hate them when they don’t know what they’re doing?

  “I think I’m going to go to bed early. I haven’t felt real well since we landed.” I push to my feet.

  “Oh no. You should have said something,” Judy says.

  “It’s okay. I’m sure I’ll feel better after some sleep.” No matter how hard I try not to, I can’t stop my eyes from finding Brandon’s. His hands grip the table, like he wants to stand but doesn’t know if he should. I give him a small shake of my head, which makes his eyebrows squeeze together.

  He would come. If I wanted him to, he would make some excuse and follow me up.

  “Thanks for having me. I’ll see everyone in the morning.”

  Without another word, I make my way upstairs.

  The room is pitch black and my eyes wide open when I hear the door. It clicks behind Brandon and seconds later he’s crawling into bed with me.

  “I’m sorry,” I say the second he’s next to me. I grab on to his hip and he puts a hand behind my neck.

  “It’s okay. Feels kind of good not to be the one who’s freaking out this time.”

  We both laugh quietly. Brandon waits until I finally say, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just keep thinking about what we’re going to do. They could be like my dad, Brand. What the hell would I do if your parents came down on you because of me? All you want is to make them proud and what if I screw that up?”

  He tightens his grip on my neck and pulls me toward him. “You won’t. Not you, okay? You’re the only thing that’s completely real in my life. They’re my parents. They’ll understand. When they see how much you mean to me, they’ll understand.”

  I squeeze him tighter too. “Okay.”

  But we both know there’s no guarantee he’s right.

  The doctor runs all sorts of tests on Brandon. Stress tests where they make him run on a treadmill, EKG’s . . . on and on and on. I’m sure the doctor wonders why I’m here with him but of course he doesn’t ask. Brandon goes through everything he’s supposed to and all the results come out great.

  It’s not often there are side effects after an injury like Brandon’s, I guess, but with someone as active as he is, they want to continue with checkups every couple months.

  We take the train back, feeling a lot less stressed then we did on the way in. Maybe that was part of my freak-out from last night. I was worried about him. Tonight has to be better.

  We play games on our phone and I text Charlie a few times to tell her what’s going on. It feels almost like it did when we were at my apartment . . . normal.

  Brandon left his truck at the station and it doesn’t take us long to drive back to his parents’ house from there.

  “So he really said everything is great?” she asks the second we walk in the door.

  Brandon grins. “I’m pretty sure he said I was in incredible shape. Smart doctor.” She swats his arm and we all laugh.

  “Well Mr. Incredible Shape, I made lasagna for dinner because I know you love it. Maybe now I’ll hold it hostage.”

  “You wouldn’t dare.” He wraps an arm around his mom before looking at me, “I’ll hold her. You grab the food!” he teases and I can’t help but just want to watch him. I’ve gotten used to seeing him like this again—that old Brandon from when we first met and I’m glad to have him back for good.

  Judy ruffles his hair and Brandon lets go of her.

  His dad comes home about an hour later and we sit at the table, his little brother in a highchair, and eat. His parents ask me about school and I tell them I’m going to be an engineer. We joke about how, when they came to Virginia all those years ago, they never expected that Nate would fall in love and Brandon would meet one of his best friends.

  My eyes flash to Brandon at that, scared he’s going to take that opportunity to tell them but he just winks at me, making me instantly relax.

  After dinner his dad goes into the office for a little while and Brandon and I play with Josh. He climbs all over Brand who tickles him and teases him and tells him he’s going to teach him to play football when he gets older.

  Brandon
hits my arm. “I taught him to play,” he tells Josh.

  “Fu—I mean, forget you. He likes people to think that but I’m really the one who schooled him. I mean, he was all right before we met but I taught him everything he knows,” I tease back.

  Josh looks at us like we’re fucking idiots, which we probably are before he picks up a block. “Block. Build.”

  Brandon shakes his head, but smiles. “Figures. He’s just like Nate.”

  We build one thing after another with Josh before their mom comes to get him for a bath. My stomach starts tying into knots as we wait.

  “You sure?” I ask him.

  “I’m doing this.” Brandon stands up and shakes his hands out as though they fell sleep.

  “Hey.” I grab his wrist, hoping this isn’t when they decide to come back downstairs. “We’re going to be okay.”

  Quickly, Brandon leans forward and kisses my forehead. “I know.”

  I can’t help but wonder if this is another thing like last night—where we say one thing but we’re really thinking another.

  A noise on the stairs makes us pull apart. “Do you boys want to watch a movie or play a game or something?” Brandon’s mom steps into the living room.

  Brandon takes a deep breath and I physically fight myself not to reach for him.

  “Actually, Mom. I was wondering if I could talk to you and Dad for a few minutes. It’s important.”

  Chapter Twenty

  Brandon

  I’m going to throw up. My brain keeps telling me it won’t matter. My parents aren’t the type who make homophobic slurs like Alec’s dad. They’ve always been fairly liberal, saying everyone has the right to live how they want to.

  But I think it’s different when the “everyone” in question isn’t their son. Who wants this for their children? And as much as I hate it, I can’t stop thinking that I don’t want to let them down. That I want them to be proud of whom I am. But loving Alec shouldn’t change that. It doesn’t mean it won’t, though.

  Still, I have to do this too. I have to do it for Alec. For me. For us.

  Mom sort of cocks her head at me, her eyebrows crinkle, the look on her face saying she knows this is more than just important. I’ve never come to them and said I need to talk. It’s always been easier to just pretend everything is okay. There’s already too much lying in my life though and I need to be honest about who I am in as many places as I can.

  “Sure, Brandon. Let me go get your father.” She turns and heads for Dad’s office. The second she’s out of sight, I face Alec.

  “Tell me we can do this, Al. Tell me we need to.”

  My hands are shaking so I shove them in my pockets, trying not to look any weaker than I’ve proven I am.

  “We can do this.”

  At that I pull one shaky hand free, hold the back of his neck and press our foreheads together. “We got this,” I whisper.

  “We got it.”

  We pull away just as Mom and Dad round the corner from the side of the stairs and make their way into the living room.

  Nodding my head toward the couch, I say, “You can sit down.”

  “Brandon, what’s going on? You’re scaring me. Did something happen at the doctor?” Mom’s eyes are wide, frantic. Dad grabs a hold of her hand.

  “No, it’s not my health. I swear. Everything’s okay there.”

  Mom nods and Dad sits, pulling her with him. My feet won’t stop moving though, carrying me back and forth as I pace in front of them. They only stop when Alec grabs my wrist and nods toward the dark blue couch across from my parents before he walks over and sits.

  Yeah. Sitting. That sounds good, so I go down beside him. My leg bounces up and down and all I can think is it did the same thing before I told Nate I’m gay. That was almost two years ago and I’m still losing my shit like this? That thought is what makes me lift my head to meet my parents’ eyes. Fear and worry radiate off them and I can’t help but think they have to be relieved when I tell them I love Alec. Things could be so much worse than that.

  After pulling a deep breath in, I let it out before saying, “I’m kind of . . . gay.”

  Silence is all that meets me.

  “I mean, just gay. Not kind of gay. I . . .” My words trail off when Alec reaches over and puts a hand on my leg. I still have no idea how they’re going to reply but this weight drops off my shoulders, because I was man enough to get the words out. Because he’s strong enough to stand by me.

  “Gay? I don’t understand, Brandon.” Mom’s eyes are already getting glassy.

  Dad’s are directly on me. “I think it’s pretty self-explanatory, honey.”

  If this were any other conversation, I’d laugh at Dad’s words. But it’s not and this is important. I have to get the words out.

  “I’m with Alec . . . I’m in love with him. I have been since we first went to The Village.”

  The tears are free now, rolling down Mom’s face. Dad wraps an arm around her.

  “I love him too.” Alec’s voice is quiet, yet strong.

  “We’ve tried to walk away. Tried not to feel it but . . . it wouldn’t go away. I can’t fight it anymore. We wanna really be together now.”

  At that Mom turns, buries her face in Dad’s shoulder, her own shaking up and down, soft cries hitting me. Dad shushes her, that urge to vomit crawling up my throat again. I made her cry. They’re disappointed. Disgusted. They’re going to walk away from me or want me to walk away from Alec.

  “I would do anything for him. I don’t want him to lose football. We’re going to keep it quiet. No one else will know.” There’s desperation in Alec’s voice now, trying to make things better for me. And as hard as this is, that gives me strength—that kind of loyalty.

  Mom cries harder and Dad looks over her head at me, looking older than I’ve ever seen from him. When Alec’s hand moves toward mine, I link our fingers together.

  Together.

  “I’m sorry, Mom. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m sorry . . .”

  Her head jerks off Dad’s shoulder. “Don’t. Don’t you dare apologize to me for that, Brandon. I don’t ever want you to apologize to me for who you are, do you hear me?”

  I sit up straighter, the nausea weakening as Alec holds my hand tighter. “What?”

  It’s Dad who answers. “We’re your parents, Brandon. I’m not going to pretend we’re not shocked but we love you. You being gay doesn’t change that.”

  Letting go of Alec’s hand I bury my face in mine. We love you. Being gay doesn’t change that. “It doesn’t?” I can’t help but ask.

  Mom scrambles out of Dad’s arms and before I know it she’s kneeling on the floor in front of me. “No. Absolutely not. We will always love you. Always. Are we clear on that?”

  I nod my head and then she’s pulling me into her arms. I try like hell to fight it but can’t stop the tears from falling from my eyes. Dad’s arms wrap around us both, and we’re all hugging and two words repeating over and over in my head. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  I have no idea how long we’re all like that but when they finally let go of me, I turn to the couch to find Alec and he’s gone. My eyes dart around the room, before landing on him, leaning against the wall by the entryway.

  He looks over at me, all blond hair and blue eyes and smiles. Stepping around my parents, I can’t stop myself from going to him. From pulling him to me. His hands tighten in my shirt and I cup the back of his head.

  “Didn’t want to intrude.” His face is in my neck.

  “Want you with me. All the time.”

  Before I embarrass myself by getting all weepy again, I pull away. Mom’s wiping her eyes behind me. “I’m thinking we need to have a drink before we continue this conversation.”

  A laugh tumbles out of my mouth again. My mom doesn’t say shit like that.

  A couple minutes later, the four of us are at the kitchen table, rum and cokes in hand. Mom and Dad don’t pull any punches; Dad starts the questioning. “Why didn�
��t you ever tell us?”

  How do you explain something like this to someone who’s never experienced it? “I guess for a while I hoped it wasn’t true.”

  Mom takes a drink at that.

  “When I realized it was, I was scared and embarrassed. I know it sounds stupid but that’s how it feels.”

  “It doesn’t sound stupid, Brandon, but again, I want to be sure you understand that we love you no matter what, okay?” Mom sets her glass down and I nod. “I hate the thought of you holding this in. Does anyone else know? Was there anyone else before Alec?”

  He shifts in his seat next to me.

  “Nate and Charlie found out later on. And no . . . I mean, I knew before Alec but he’s the only one.”

  Dad wrings his hands together. “And you boys have been . . . together for a long time?”

  “Off and on, I guess. The first summer we met, we were just friends mostly but we both kind of knew, ya know? We kept talking all year and then the second summer, we really started to accept it.”

  “You’ve had girlfriends in that time, Brandon.” Mom’s voice cracks on my name.

  “Not really. I made most of them up. I went out a few times just so the guys on the team would get off my back, but Alec knew and I didn’t go out with anyone more than once. It got too hard and we broke it off—I broke it off my sophomore year. We didn’t talk until Alec came to be with me after the accident.”

  I practically see the gears start to shift into place in both my parents. They know Alec came because I needed him. That he’s the reason I suddenly started getting better that weekend. That he could do something for me that no one else could.

  Mom downs the rest of her drink then sets her elbows on the table, her head in her hands. “You’re my son. I should have known. I should have seen it. Known you were hurting. You’ve been in love with someone for years and I didn’t know. A good mom would have known . . .”

  “No! It’s not your fault. No one knew. I kept it a secret. I made sure no one knew.”

  She frowns, shaking her head. “You shouldn’t have dealt with it alone.”