A Chip on Her Shoulder

by RJ Blain

  “Explain.”

  “You must choose to love this child unconditionally, for you will be the only nurturing hand she will see for many years. You must teach her kindness, for she has never seen kindness before. It is only for a few hours, so this task shouldn’t burden you much.”

  “Nobody has ever been nice to this baby?” I blurted. “But she’s a baby.”

  “Correct. She has had a difficult journey. She was cared for and provided with milk, and she has been kept healthy, but that is the limits of their kindness. She is an unwanted child.”

  Poor kid. “That’s so sad.”

  “It is. She will have better days, and you will be part of why she will enjoy them.”

  “Okay. I’ll bite. How am I going to be a part of that?”

  “Do your part of this bargain, and you will see.”

  “Angels bargain? I thought that was more of the Devil’s thing.”

  The angel laughed again. “I am doing something for you, you are doing something for the Egyptian divines, who have requested me to speak with you on the matter. It is, in its way, a bargain.”

  “All right. So, I just go pick up this kid, cuddle with her a bit, make sure she’s been fed, change her diaper, play with her a little, and take her to get her citizenship and paperwork? Then I make sure she’s delivered to some asshole who’ll abuse her? See, I have a problem with that part.”

  “It is not quite your time to be a mother, Darlene. You will have your chance down the road. The hard part for you will be letting her go, knowing she will have a difficult life for a while. But because her life will be difficult, she will have the strength needed for greater things later. You will, in exchange, get the information you need to help your brother.”

  “Does that information also help me get some payback while I’m at it?’

  “Perhaps, although I do not believe you need any help with that. You are more than capable of acquiring any payback without divine intervention. I would suggest you temper justice with mercy, but there is no mercy for the merciless, and those you wish to war against have no capacity for mercy in their souls.”

  “Well, that’s good to know. I won’t feel much guilt for giving them a serious case of just desserts.”

  “Desserts?” the angel asked. “Do you not mean deserts instead? You think of...” He sighed, and I could easily believe he shook his head if he had one. “Pie. You think of pie. Apple, specifically.”

  “That’s right. Desserts. It’s delicious, just like a nice piece of pie. Whomever said it was just deserts is wrong.”

  The angel thought about that. “May your just desserts be appropriately sweet, then.”

  “I’m so glad we could agree on this matter. I’d say eye-to-eye, but eye-to-eyeless is a little weird.”

  “I stress you, don’t I?”

  “You have no head and you left your nipples somewhere. Any sane sentient would be concerned about that.”

  “Would nipples make you more comfortable?”

  “A nice pair of nipples makes man-chests worth admiring.”

  “You are a wonderfully terrible human.” The angel snapped a finger, and the requested pair of nipples appeared in the appropriate places. “Is that better?”

  “Absolutely. Your chest is just divine.”

  “You are a most wonderfully terrible human.”

  “Thank you for noticing. How will I receive the information I’ll be earning tonight?”

  “You will be paid in advance for your service.”

  Huh. “You all are trusting me with this, paid in advance?”

  “I have seen your heart and understand its worth. For this night’s task, you will be a bright light in the darkness. For those who have taken your brother’s mortal life? You will be the darkness capable of swallowing all light. Frankly spoken, Miss Esmaranda, you have anger issues at times.”

  “No shit.”

  The angel sighed.

  “What? If you wanted an angel, you wouldn’t be talking to me right now. You’d be talking to one of your brethren, probably sipping tea. I’ll admit, threatening to shoot that asshole on my lawn felt damned good. I would’ve done it, too.”

  “I am aware, and they are beginning to become aware of this. Fortunately for you, they find women like you to be rather attractive, so do not be surprised if you find yourself courted by all sorts of unsavory beings.”

  “There’s a special place in hell for rapists, and I mean to direct them there violently. So there are no misunderstandings. I’ll join them in hell rather happily after helping them get to their final destination. Does that make my stance on this clear?”

  “That was not the form of unsavory I referenced, but while they are not planning to engage in that sort of activity with you, they have other methods they will engage in order to win your cooperation.”

  “Lovely.”

  “You are an exotic human, and men like those appreciate exotic women.”

  “I don’t suppose we can just jump to the chase and you tell me what the best name to give that little girl is? I’m no good at things like that, and I don’t want to give her something utterly stupid as a name. I mean, a little stupid but pretty might do—at least that way, her asshole guardian won’t try to change it.”

  The angel stayed quiet for a while. “I can offer, perhaps, some guidance on what name you should bestow upon the child.”

  “Okay. I’m listening, Mr. Angel.”

  “Michael.”

  Jesus fucking Christ on a cracker. “I’ve been mouthing off to an archangel?”

  “Indeed. As you say, you have been mouthing off to an archangel.”

  “And you’re just serving as the middleman between me and some Egyptian divines?”

  “We have an amicable enough relationship.”

  “Huh. I’m going to hell for this, aren’t I?”

  “Very probably.”

  “Well, that’s a bummer. I better at least earn my stay. Where do you recommend I begin?”

  “You will not need much help to get to where you are going.”

  “Well, isn’t that just grand. Okay, since I’ll be going to hell, I may as well get around to earning it. How can I earn a few points towards my trip to hell when it comes to this little girl?”

  “She is Egyptian, although her heritage is somewhat mixed. But her name should be of Egyptian heritage.”

  “I don’t know a single damned word of Egyptian, so I’m going to need a little help with this, Michael.”

  “She is darker of skin than you, although not as dark as her mother, who is of Egyptian heritage. Her hair is pitch black, a gift from her father.”

  “It’s actually black? It’s not a dark brown?”

  “Her hair is truly black. It will be quite striking against her skin, and while she will not be a traditional beauty, she will still be quite beautiful in her own right.”

  “What’s the word for black in Egyptian?”

  “There are two words for black in Egyptian. Kem is the black of the Nile’s silt, and is often used for the color. For a little girl’s name, you would use Kanika.”

  “That’s really pretty.”

  “For you, yes. For her, it will be somewhat of a nuisance. However, because of that, her guardian will not change it. That is a good thing. The name that would be picked would not be pleasant.”

  “What would this guardian call her?”

  “It is better I do not tell you. You will have a chance to bring ruin to that household in due order.”

  “That sounds promising. Motivate me.”

  “She would be named as a plague upon their household.”

  Wow. I’d seen more than a few cases of bad parents in my day, but to name a child after a plague? “That’s horrible.”

  “It truly is.”

  “Isn’t there anything I can do for her?”

  “Taking care of that pesky human paperwork will be a significant help to her later. It will give her something invaluable.”

&nb
sp; “What?”

  “Her freedom.”

  I twitched. “Remember those anger issues you claim I have?”

  “I do.”

  “I’m getting a little angry.” Informing the archangel I had issues helped a little, although nothing short of giving any asshole who’d hurt a baby a beating would do.

  I had lines. Hurting little kids crossed it.

  “You will have your chance to arrange things to your liking later, never fear. Just remember to be subtle. You know how to be subtle already. Just remember it will serve you well to be particularly subtle later. You will understand in the right moment. That is the price you must pay for help with your brother.”

  “Okay. Fine. I’ll make sure she has the right paperwork. Is there anything else I can do?”

  “Learn to wait patiently for your turn.”

  “That’s so rude. I know how to wait patiently.” After some consideration, I came to the conclusion it was a good thing angels lacked heads, as I had no doubt I would have been subjected to a rather unpleasant glare. “Somewhat patiently.”

  “Very well. The information you need comes in several parts. I expect you will test the truth of my words because that is your nature, but there is only one divine who would be willing to help you do what you require. The others will not help you. There are many reasons why, but most of them involve the universal laws. Transformatives have a special place in the universal laws, and these substances already verge on breaking them. They turn someone into something they were never meant to be. The lower grades reverse over time. The ones that do not reverse are a punishment for toying with magic beyond the natural order.”

  “But I’m a shapeshifter. I break that rule, don’t I?”

  “Of course not. You were born that way. It is a natural part of you.”

  “But I’m the only one in my family.”

  “That does not mean it is not a natural part of who you are. Your shapeshifting is a blessing. Consider it a gift from the universe, if you will. Just because your parents, their parents, or their parents before them lack your magic does not mean your magic is not natural.”

  “But if he had this, he’d be okay right now.”

  “No, Darlene. He would be dead. He is alive right now because he is what he is.”

  Well, I supposed life as a chipmunk beat no life at all.

  “That is a better frame of mind for you. But that does not change much for you, does it? Do not feel you must answer that. There is only one divine who will help you, but such help would come at a price.”

  “Doesn’t everything?”

  “Yes.”

  In some ways, that made me feel better. “Okay. So, the Egyptians are willing to tell me the identity of the divine who can help me, assuming I’m willing to pay the required price. I don’t suppose they’d be willing to help me find this divine?”

  “Yes. That is part of the price for you to handle the matter for this child. You will be given a way to reach the divine who can help your brother. They have reason to believe you will be able to convince him, but it will not be easy. They cannot help you with that. Their relationship with him is rocky although somewhat tolerable.”

  “Doesn’t that describe the relationships of most divines from differing pantheons?”

  “I do not believe you understand just how much truth you speak.”

  “That’s okay. I don’t need to understand. I just need to beat this divine until he gives me what I want.”

  “In most cases, I would not recommend that course of action when dealing with a divine, but there is the potential that might work with him.”

  “Seriously?”

  “I am quite serious. As the divine in question does not surface often, you will need the appropriate power in order to survive where you need to go. One of the Egyptian divines will be providing that for you, although I have been asked to bestow that gift for you with a little help from Him.”

  “He is willing to step in? For this?”

  “Debts are important for Him, and He has a vested interest in this child’s life. One day, you will understand. As I am the relay for this agreement, it is in His interest to ensure all goes well.”

  “Okay. This won’t kill me or anything, will it?”

  “You will find it will have the exact opposite result.”

  “Well, as I like living, please tell them I’m very appreciative of that.”

  “I shall do so.”

  “The divine. Which one is it? It seems rude to show up and just make demands.”

  “Lucifer is the one who can help you.”

  Shit. “You are a feathered freak. You told me I was going to hell because you knew the Devil is the only one who might be able to help me.”

  “Yes. I certainly did.”

  For a long moment, all I could do was stare in utter awe that someone with such a good, benevolent reputation could be that much of an asshole. “I think I could love you.”

  Michael laughed. “I appreciate that, Darlene, but my good nature would inevitably drive you insane within a few hours of keeping company with me. I am pleased to help you with this task, as my fallen brother deserves everything you will do to him on your quest to restore your brother to a more appropriate form.”

  “He’d like if I beat on him, wouldn’t he?”

  “He is not called the Lord of Hugs. There is a reason for this. He is the Lord of Sin, the Lord of Lies, and the Warden of the Hells. You will find his sense of humor twisted at best. That is what an eternity of being the gatekeeper does to a soul. The Egyptians did not even whisper the hint of a lie on this matter. You have all of the tools in your possession to get what you want, with the exception of being able to fully survive in my brother’s many hells. He will help you with that on behalf of the Egyptians. After all, only He truly understands my brother’s full powers, and the Egyptians would not repay you for your help with your death.”

  “Dying would not help my cause.”

  “Precisely.”

  “What time does this ship arrive?”

  “It will reach the harbor in an hour, but it will be another two hours after that for someone to remember the child.”

  I wasn’t sure who I hated more at that moment, the monsters who’d turned my brother into a chipmunk or the ones responsible for a baby’s misery. “And if I show up early to remind them?”

  “That would lead to her being in your hands sooner, yes.”

  Fuck it. “Get the cops off my back. I’ll go get the kid.”

  “While I can do this, it would result in some of your brother’s crimes coming to light.”

  “What are they going to do to a chipmunk? He’s already caged. It’s like a rodent prison.”

  “This is a sad truth. I will remind them of this and appeal to their better natures. It does not mean he may not need to pay for his crimes, but he may not need to pay for them quite yet.”

  “I can work with that. Just tell them I’m rescuing a baby or something.”

  “I will do this for you. Please sit still for a moment. This may sting. I would also be wary of thinking too much about fire for a while, else you may find yourself using magic you do not wish to. Use this fire with a purpose. Accidental incinerations would be distressing for you.”

  “You’re trusting me with fire?”

  “You certainly can’t wander into my brother’s many hells without protections. I will likewise safeguard your brother, although he will find he will not be able to summon any actual flames like you will be able to.”

  “But a fire-breathing chipmunk would be so cool, Michael.”

  “No.”

  Oh, well. “Sorry, Jonas. I tried.”

  My brother squeaked in his travel-sized prison and sulked in the bedding I’d given him.

  Michael chuckled. “I will do my best to be gentle with you, but this sort of magic tends to be hard on humans. It will hurt, and you will be stunned for a few minutes. You will come to no lasting harm, however. That much I can pr
omise.”

  “Do your worst,” I invited.

  He did.

  Over the years, I’d gotten into my fair share of fights, and while having my clock cleaned hurt, not a single one of the punches I’d intercepted with my face came close to comparing. I burned from within, and by the time the pain settled to something closer to tolerable, I’d sprouted tails, ears, and a full coat of fur. I hissed at him, flexing my hands. My claws had grown in, too, a sign my body had gone into full defensive mode.

  “I would apologize, except I had tried to warn you.”

  “So you had.”

  “I helped your clothes better fit your current form. I recommend you pick the child up as you are. It will comfort her.”

  “It will?”

  “She loves cats.”

  “But she’s just a baby.”

  Something about Michael’s body language made me believe the archangel smiled. “Cats are special to Egyptians. It will make her happy.”

  Well, if something so little would make the baby happy, I’d play along. “That leaves my last problem. How, precisely, does one storm the gates of hell?”

  “Your first thought is to storm the gates of hell?”

  “Well, yes. How else would I gain audience with the Devil?”

  “I have not been this entertained yet in this emergence. There are many ways to gain an audience with my brother, but I doubt any of them would be quite as interesting as you choosing to storm the gates of hell. Should your efforts to gain entrance to his many hells fail to go to plan, I will give you his phone number.”

  “Excuse me, but did you just say the Devil has a phone number?”

  “Yes.”

  “They have phone service in hell?”

  “He enjoys electricity, too. He is the Devil, Darlene. He is also quite spoiled and requires his luxuries. You will find his domain comfortable—assuming you win an invitation into his actual domain rather than a lengthy visit to his dungeons.”

  “I’m receiving mixed signals about him, Michael.”

  “I did not say anything positive about him there, Darlene.”

  “I like electricity, I want to be spoiled, and I wish I could require luxuries to get through the day. A comfortable domain is important. And he has a dungeon.” I smiled at the thought of what I could do to the assholes who’d transformed my brother with an entire dungeon to work with. “Nope. I’m not seeing a problem with this. Anything else I should know about? I don’t want to get offed by some angry woman thinking I’m edging in on her turf.”