A Chip on Her Shoulder

by RJ Blain

I shrugged. “All things have a price. I expect to pay some fairly high prices for storming the hells and taking the place over. I’m sure Lucifer will get tired of being amused soon enough. At that point, I expect he’ll be carving out chunks of my flesh to feed to his various devils for daring to boss him around.”

  “If by that you mean he will stalk you to gain access to your spots, yes.”

  “He needs therapy.”

  “Intensive spot therapy. You were created to be my fallen son’s ultimate temptation, after all. Your spots and forms are all my masterpieces. I am quite proud of the work I put into your making. I even went so far as to skirt one of the universal laws for my fallen son.”

  “Will it hurt you to just call him your son?”

  “He prefers the distinction.”

  “Well, he’s not here to whine about it. I have noticed he whines a lot. After dealing with him for a few hours, I’ve come to the conclusion you kicked him out because of the whining, and you have been hoping he would grow up and come home. Except he’s a rebellious child and seems to have skipped that phase of reconciliation.”

  “You are a most irreverent being.”

  “Is this where I’m supposed to say you made me this way?”

  “It is.”

  “Why did you make me this way, anyway?”

  “I am sometimes inflicted with unfortunate amounts of sentiment.”

  “You know, if my old man found out you’re quite the sass, the entire world would shift on its axis.”

  “Your father was among the best of men, although it saddened me how much he struggled with the rise of magic. Your mother was quite the interesting human as well. There are few couples capable of tempering a child like yourself. I have rewarded them well for their care with you.”

  “Can I ask a question?”

  “Of course.”

  “Why me? Why not some, well, better person?”

  “A gentle soul would break beneath my son’s hand. You are a strong sword, forged for a purpose. But for you to be as you are, you needed to be born a human with a human’s mortality. That is why I am here, as it is that mortality I must address.”

  “Dying sucks, and I think I’m rather done with the dying thing, if you please. I’d say even if you don’t please, but you could wave that hand of yours and just wipe me right out of existence if you wanted.”

  “But why would I want to? You are a flower I have cultivated from a seed, but it is the nature of your seed that is flawed for your future purpose. So, while this is typically my son’s domain, you and I must bargain.”

  Uh oh. “Bargains are trouble. Am I going to lose my soul over this?”

  “For a time.”

  Double uh oh. “That doesn’t sound promising.”

  “For all my son does take care to prevent mortals from seeing his true form, he slips from time to time in moments of rage or passion. This time will be both, for one of his devils seeks to sow chaos through your destruction, specifically so a succubi this devil has allied himself with might become the Queen of Hell.”

  “I’m going to die from sheer stupidity, aren’t I?”

  “I recommend that you punish him through the restriction of your spots, for it took him a very short time to grow fond of them, and he is disturbed over how fond he has become of you. That is not, in his opinion, his nature.”

  “He’s an idiot, isn’t he?”

  He chuckled. “Perhaps.”

  “You do realize I basically browbeat your archangels into taking me to his house so I could take it over, right? And he likes that?”

  “It is a first for him, and you did not need to browbeat them into it. They are very fond of their brother, and it is their nature to want to see to his happiness. Do not bother trying to tell my son that. He is more stubborn than any goat and will not believe you.”

  “Let me see if I have this straight. I’m going to not-quite kick the bucket because he’s going to have a temper tantrum, possibly because one of his devils wants to get rid of me because the Devil likes my spots, and because he likes my spots, he won’t pick some succubus to be the queen of his many hells?”

  “That is mostly correct.”

  “What part is wrong?”

  “Like is too weak of a word for how he feels about you and your spots. He just fawns over your spots because it is simpler for him to express himself through his greed. My son is not a sensible being. But yes, at the heart of the matter, you are correct. As such, we will bargain. Your soul will endure some hardship for a time, but because of a kindness you have shown, that hardship will not last long. You will find yourself with some difficulties facing my son’s true self, but that will ease over time. In exchange for giving you what you require to survive, you must do a simple thing.”

  “What thing?”

  “You must hold a seed for me, and you must plant it in a moment of darkness. This seed will balance the new seed of your life, which will grow while you walk through the valley of the shadow of death. That is the first part of our bargain.”

  “How am I supposed to plant this seed? What is this seed?”

  “It is the beginning of a soul.”

  “This seed is some person’s soul?”

  “Not precisely, but you are not far from the truth. The seed will eventually grow to become a soul. It is not a soul quite yet. There are several ways you can plant that seed. I recommend you lure my son to your bed with the intent of taking the seed and making it your own, and thus allowing nature to run its course. As a consequence of his fall, he cannot create a seed of life on his own. There is nothing in the rules that state I cannot provide the spark that allows a seed of life to take root and become a child. However, that seed’s nature will be particularly vexing for my son, who gets delightfully upset over beings with insufferably good natures.”

  My eyes widened. “You want me to have a child with the Devil?”

  “Yes. That is the price of this bargain. You love children, and you already find yourself intrigued by my son. In time, you will understand. All of this has been arranged to be a natural choice you would make for yourself. In exchange for your soul’s survival, you must nurture the seed I have made for you and my son, which you will use to turn the impossible possible. But there is a catch.”

  “What catch?”

  “You will forget this bargain in its entirety until an opportunity comes for the seed to be properly planted. I do not wish for my son or all of the angels of my heavens to be aware of what I do. They believe, in truth, my son cannot produce fruit, and there is some importance that their belief remains as such. The child you safeguarded will be my son’s first venture into fatherhood, yet another deed of your hand, and your first experience of what it is like to be a mother. You will remember the important details as necessary, so you might act when the time is right. She will be of great importance one day. She will also make an excellent babysitter.”

  Kanika. “This is an elaborate prank, basically. But the prank is a baby?” I frowned. “Multiple babies, if you count Kanika and the seed.”

  He remained silent for a long moment, and His soft chuckle skirted giggle territory. “Kanika is not of my making, but she is special and deserving of your safekeeping. Your future child? I will merely state you are deserving of it. My son will be most pleasantly surprised after he rages, as he will make ridiculous assumptions despite knowing, without even the shadow of a doubt, you are incapable of being disloyal, just as he is incapable of disloyalty. He will annoy you, and you will make him sleep in your den until he chills his temper. You will enjoy yourself, for I made you as you are to best handle his fits of temper. When he has chilled his temper, he will realize what has occurred. Then I will get scolded most severely, and the heavens and hells will both wait with bated breath to see if the End of Days begins. It won’t of course, as my son will be too busy fretting over how to be a father, a problem he doesn’t believe possible, nor will he until that moment. This is truly a gift to myself, and I will enjoy it i
mmensely.”

  “Jesus Christ on a cracker. This is one fucked up and dysfunctional family.” I froze, realizing what I’d blurted. Heaving a sigh, I bowed my head. “I’m sorry. My mouth is going to get me blasted out of existence, isn’t it?”

  “Why would I go through so much trouble to provide you and my son with a seed only to blast you out of existence? The whole point of this is to prevent you from being blasted out of existence.”

  Right. “Can we go back to the part about me and your son having a child together in the first place?”

  “You charmed him from the moment you invaded his home. As he is a greedy, selfish being, he wants to keep you all to himself, and he plans to work hard to secure you as his. As you enjoy his attention, you will not mind him following you around, thus encouraging his advances. This will result in the formation of mutual affections. Of course, you have stirred the ire of his succubi, and they will become an annoyance to you when they flirt with my son. You are a jealous being. I made you that way quite on purpose, for my jealous son requires a jealous woman. Of course, my son will also pretend to stray to enjoy your jealousy, for he understands its source. You will recognize that he does not actually stray, but his posturing will annoy you enough your fur will stand on end. That will draw his attention back to you, and he will take a great deal of time toying with your spots. I have created the ultimate infinite loop of affection. I am quite proud of this working, if you must know. You are a jewel among all of my creations.”

  “I was right. This is seriously one fucked up and dysfunctional family. And I’m not even going to remember most of this conversation?”

  “You will not, not for some time. One day, you will remember the entirety of this conversation, but that day will be many years in the making. But when the seed is ready to be planted, you will know what to do and how to go about it. You’ll enjoy yourself, I’m sure. My other sons will also enjoy themselves when you come knocking at their doors to handle various favors for you, and they will be eager to do their various duties as uncles. They are all alike in that regard. They love being fathers and uncles. Or mothers and aunts, should the right human man cross their paths. I encourage them perhaps too often.”

  Wow. While the Devil earned parts of his reputation, He was something else. “You’re an asshole, aren’t you?”

  He laughed. “Through your eyes, I suppose I am. It is not unreasonable for you to think such thoughts about me. I do not mind. You are justified, for I have manipulated every element of your existence, all so my son might find some peace through you.”

  “Peace? Don’t you mean eternal frustration? It sounds like you’re setting him up for a severe case of eternal frustration. I know me. I’m pretty damned frustrating.”

  “Peace, eternal frustration… whatever makes him happy. You and your spots will accomplish that. Then you will encourage him to bring Kanika into his life as a cherished daughter and his heir as a method of completing a bargain he has made, although some of your choices will annoy him for a while. He will not like when anything brings harm to his little cupcake.”

  Laughter bubbled out of me. “His little cupcake?”

  “My son is a sentimental creature with a fondness for sweets. This name will annoy her, which will goad him into using it often. There is reason I gifted you with patience. You will need it. Most importantly, having Kanika as my son’s heir will allow for the seed you bear to be a child born of love rather than duty.”

  “I missed the memo about me going along with this.”

  “You will. The first time you witness a succubus trying to lay a claim on my son, you will understand I speak the truth. And do not try to convince me you were not wanting to remove my son’s clothes.”

  Crap. “You do not play fair.”

  “I do not, not on matters of importance.”

  “I expect Christmas presents yearly, and birthday presents would be nice. If I have to put up with your son, I should be pampered the two days of the year presents are commonly given.”

  “If you wish to bargain, perhaps you should bargain for something that falls beyond traditional familial customs. Even Lucifer receives gifts for most holidays. You are my favorite of my gifts.”

  “I’m now a present for him?”

  “You were born on the same day I breathed life into his seed and welcomed him into my heavens, although thousands of years separate you. The day you stormed his gates is the same as his fall. This was no accident. I moved the seas so the ship would arrive precisely when it did, and I made other arrangements so that your brother would face his fate when he did, although I did not need to do much on that score. I have listened to your every breath so I would not miss the moment you would witness my son in his glory, for only I can ensure you stay on the right side of death’s cold boundary. I have put many plans into motion, all so this moment could come. Your soul will suffer for a time, but you will one day truly thrive in my son’s glory.”

  I raised a brow at that. “And here I thought my desire to rampage and kill a bunch of assholes was mean. That’s downright evil.”

  “Not precisely. Evil would have been nudging events so your brother faced his death rather than transformation. Rather than anger, you would have faced grief had I not interfered. Your revenge will lead to much good and justice once you can go about your business properly. You will get to try that again. The seeds of a tolerable plan were planted, although my son’s less obedient devil and that succubus interrupt it rather thoroughly.”

  “Well, since you’re here and being pretty helpful, how do you think I should handle this?”

  “Personally, I believe flushing them into your septic system would be a great deal more merciful, but as they deserve their fate as your trophies, I view it as an early start to their owed punishments. They have no place in my heavens. As for that pesky devil, should he be destroyed in a moment of my son’s fury, a better seed can be created to take its place. To keep my son from whining, I shall handle that matter when he looks the other way. It is an important enough seed.”

  How had my life taken such an odd and dark turn? I cringed at the thought of my family, and if I had not learned their souls had moved on to new lives, I would’ve believed they rolled in their graves. “My father would be pretty disappointed in me for not being a good little girl, going to hell and all.”

  “You are not just going to hell, Darlene. You will be ruling it.”

  If my father found out He loved the Devil, wanted His son to find happiness, and meant to use me to do it, he’d die from a second heart attack. “That doesn’t make this any better!”

  “You will get used to it in time.”

  “What else are you going to tell me that I won’t like?”

  “You will not precisely remember this, but it will exist within you as a gut feeling or instinct. Belial will prove to be one of your greatest allies. While his role is ruination, his loyalties are firmly entrenched with my son. Like you, he was made that way. The notes you read lead you a little astray. Belial is the ruination of all who oppose my son. I have taken steps to make certain he is aware of your importance. Cultivate Belial, and he will serve you and my son even beyond the End of Days.”

  “Wait, beyond the End of Days? I thought that was the end. You know, the apocalypse, world goes kaboom?”

  “The End of Days is only the beginning of an end and the end of a beginning. It is ever present, but it may never be present. It is a paradox. The threat of the End of Days must exist because nothing is meant to live forever. There must be the opportunity for renewal. But the time of that coming is always in motion.”

  I sucked in a breath. “Are you saying the End of Days might not even come?”

  “Precisely. There are conditions which must be met for it to happen, and even then, the time of the end is ever fluid. For as long as the balance remains, the balance I helped to create through allowing my son to fall and gifting humanity with free will, it may never come to pass. However, it will always linger
on the horizon, waiting for its moment. And should it come, all things will become new. That is what it means for the End of Days to come. But you will have a place in the beyond, although I suspect you shall be the cause of my son’s next fall, a change from the helpful push or two I gave him to make him choose his own path. However annoying it can be, change has its benefits.”

  Great. I’d been plunked straight into the heart of an utter disaster, and He fully meant for me to hitch and whip the damned Devil of all people. In good news, His son packed heat in all the right ways, and I found myself challenged to find any disadvantages with going along with His plan. “How does this put my relationship with the potential in-laws?”

  “When you need some unconditional love, come knocking on my door. You will find my home a welcoming place to visit, but you cannot stay more than a night or two. You would try to take over if I gave you but a single chance. It is quite amusing when my son pays me a visit, and where you go, he will surely follow. He has some strange notions over our relationship. He can visit, but he cannot stay. If he stays, you will stay, and you really would try to take over if given a single chance.”

  I laughed at that. “I really would. Answer me one last question, then?”

  “Ask your question.”

  “What will my death do to him?”

  “It will change him for better and for worse, but once he is able to look beyond his newfound fear of loss, he will discover that not even death can take you from him. He’ll be cranky and clingy. That is why I am here. The price for your survival is one he will find easy enough to bear, as will you. Now, there is the matter of your brother we must deal with before it is your time to face death’s shadow.”

  “I should flush him into the septic tank,” I muttered.

  “You would regret that before he even made it into the tank. You would find the tank opening and fish him out, and nobody would be happy.”

  “Just because I would regret it doesn’t mean I’m not going to think about it while grumbling.”

  “It is your nature to think such things. The price is simple. My son must either destroy the traitor’s seed so your brother may have a future, or he must ask me to create a new angel for my heavens. That is the price that must be paid to maintain the balance and keep from breaking any of the universal laws.”