A Chip on Her Shoulder

by RJ Blain

  The succubi giggled, and I clacked my teeth together, growling at the thought of them having successfully lured the naked Devil to his bed while I’d only accomplished getting naked.

  “When would you like to resume our discussion?” a sultry voice asked.

  “How long will it take for you to thoroughly educate your new friend? You should all have a turn with him.”

  The giggles intensified, and the same woman replied, “We’ll take our time. Call us.”

  The Devil chuckled, and he didn’t lower his hand from my eyes until the sounds from his sitting room quieted. “I see you found your way into my closet.” His eyes drifted down to my chest. “I’m finding the sacrifice of my shirt to be perfectly acceptable.”

  I joined him in staring at my breasts, which stretched the shirt enough he could peek through the gaps with little trouble. Unfortunately for him, my fur and his tie did a good job of masking his view, and the shirt obscured most of my best spots. “I find the fit to be questionable, possibly scandalous.”

  “I find the fit to be quite attractive, possibly seductive.”

  “More seductive than that herd of succubi you just kicked out?”

  “Considering I just kicked them out so I would not have to share you, yes. Also, they were dressed modestly for succubi.”

  “That was modestly?”

  “Quite conservative, actually. They were attempting to prove they could be ladies rather than the little devils and demonesses they actually are.”

  “Why are lady devils just called devils, but demons and demonesses are gender separated?”

  “Demons originate on the mortal coil, and they are often corrupted by human societies. Most demons don’t even come to my hells; they live out their lives hiding among humans unless it is between emergences, in which case they’re either here, slumbering, or struggling to survive.” The Devil placed his hands on my shoulders, turned me around, and pushed me into his bedroom, closing the door behind him. “You’ll technically classify as a demoness, although you’ll have a more devilish nature. He has a shitty sense of humor, and He refuses to tell me what He did to your soul. I have been told I will have to figure it out. Then, because He is insufferable, He made a point of mentioning you will be in a delicate state for a while, and I should be gentle with you.”

  I sucked in a breath at the memory of his perfect chest, his battered clothes, and the flames sheathing his body. I shook my head so I wouldn’t remember the rest, focusing on his face. On second thought, I shifted my stare to his chest, hidden beneath yet another suit. “You really do have perfect nipples. Why do you insist on hiding them?”

  The Devil lifted a hand and rubbed at his temple. “My brothers have been enjoying ribbing me about your obsession with their chests and your utter disappointment and disapproval over their lack of nipples. I’m hiding them because they’re so wonderful that women will inevitably fall over themselves to touch them, of course.”

  I needed to figure out how to use my spots to gain access to his chest without behaving like one of those women. “Well, if your brothers put some nipples on, they’d be as perfect as you. But no, they choose to not wear their nipples, thus marring their potential perfection. If you even think about removing your nipples, you will never get to touch another spot ever again.”

  “How do my nipples compare to your beloved iced coffee?”

  “I don’t know. Go buy me an iced coffee and give me a show, and I’ll let you know.”

  The Devil disappeared in a cloud of brimstone, and I waved my hand in front of my face to make the stench dissipate faster. I opened the door and peeked into the sitting room to discover a succubus waiting, and unlike her fellow demonesses, she didn’t wear a scrap of clothing.

  No wonder men dreamed of being with a succubus. From the top of her head to her toes, she redefined sensual beauty.

  “It’s absolutely ridiculous how pretty you are,” I informed her. “If I had half your beauty, I’d think about romping around naked, too. As I’m not nearly as pretty as you are, I stole a shirt and a tie so people wouldn’t be struck blind.”

  She raised a brow. “I’m Phenexia. My father is Phenex, and I am his firstborn daughter. You’re Darlene?”

  “I’m Darlene, yes. I don’t usually go running around wearing a man’s shirt, but someone stole my clothes, so I figured turnabout was fair play. Since Lucifer dumped me in his room, well, I’m wearing his clothes.”

  “Expect that often. He tends to make the clothing of his infatuations mysteriously disappear. You’ll get used to it, assuming you hold his attention long enough.”

  Oh boy. According to her tone, she expected me to be dumped out with the trash within a week. “Are you one of those idiots trying to convince him he should have a queen and bang him for the privilege? If so, I feel this strange need to inform you he’s a pain in the ass, bossing him around is seriously annoying, and his devils aren’t too clear on the concept of generalized obedience, so you’ll be begging for a lot of frustration and little satisfaction. The only reason I took the place over for a while was for my brother. If you see Jonas, and he isn’t a chipmunk, please slap him for me. After that, I don’t care what else you do with the bastard, just don’t kill him, because if you do, I’ll be forced to kill you, and if I’m forced to kill you, His Most Sulfurous Majesty will likely whine. I’m really, really sick of the whining.”

  “Perhaps I should have acquired two coffees,” the Devil said from behind me, and he reached around me, offering a large iced coffee from the cafe near my house. “Phenexia often assists in a secretarial role, as she enjoys hunting human men in an office environment. She also enjoys showing off her beauty, because she enjoys tormenting the other succubi. Your brother is fine, and he is not currently a chipmunk, although I have taken steps to enable him to use that form for any plans you might wish to make involving him. You can consider him to be a weaponized chipmunk now.”

  “How did you get that so quickly? You were gone for maybe a minute.” I took my coffee and sipped it, sighing that it was just how I liked it. “You weaponized my brother? And he’s a shapeshifting chipmunk now? For the record, snow leopards are far superior to chipmunks, and I refuse to be outclassed by my wretch of a brother.”

  The Devil showed me his phone. “I called them when I first heard you pattering around in the bedroom to make sure it would be ready. As for your brother, he needs to be useful, and nobody expects a chipmunk to be capable of dismembering annoying mortals who might look at you the wrong way. Consider him an insurance policy, and his continued existence is directly tied to your general happiness. Right now, he is busy learning how to conduct himself, but you’ll see him soon enough. Really, I tossed him to my succubi to occupy him for a while.”

  Damn. The Devil cheated in the best ways, although I didn’t want to know what the succubi were doing with my brother. I took another sip of my coffee. “Phenexia isn’t one of the stupid ones?”

  “She’s quite smart, she takes her interest in multiple partners to an extreme, and while she’s a fun time, I disgust her with my unwillingness to share. I’m a selfish, greedy being, and she likes telling me that. Phenexia, please don’t mind Darlene. I’ve learned she becomes very territorial. It’s surely a feline thing. I have not yet earned sufficient spots, so I am striving to earn my way into her good favor.”

  “You’re earning her spots?”

  “One must have proper permission to indulge in perfection.” The Devil took hold of my hand and showed the succubus the spot on my wrist. “This spot? This spot is merely one part of her perfection. So far, I have earned precisely five spots. She gives time limits on my indulgences, too. She is a most cruel mistress. I am grateful her time limits are usually measured in hours, although she has threatened an absurd ten minutes.”

  “And you abide by these rules?”

  “I’ve the word of an archangel that there are seventeen spots alone on one of her elbows. I have done some careful calculations. I could spend s
everal hours playing with the spots on her elbow alone. I will make worshipping her a masterpiece.”

  “Have you lost your mind?” the succubus asked, her tone a blend of incredulous and curious.

  “I don’t think so. I might lose my mind should she bar me from her spots. I’m between spots right now, and I find this to be an unacceptable situation.”

  “Dare I ask?”

  “I have earned five spots,” the Devil announced, and I rolled my eyes at the pride in his voice. Rather than join Phenexia in asking him if he’d lost his mind, I sipped my coffee. “She’s pretty stingy with her spots. She will give me a new spot if she needs to keep me amused. She’s trying to make me use a dirty word to earn more spots.”

  “Please or thank you?” Phenexia guessed.

  The Devil made a show of shuddering.

  “Please,” I confirmed. “Spoken to one of his brothers. Where I can witness him using this word.”

  “You are downright evil. I like it. And your reason for taking over?”

  “Some asshole turned my brother into a chipmunk, and no other divine would help me, so I had one choice: Lucifer. I figured Lucifer wouldn’t just do what I wanted if I asked him nicely, so I recruited an archangel or two, came here, and took the place over.” I frowned, sipping at my coffee. “I’m a little hazy on the details of getting here again or why I’ve taken over his bed, though.”

  “You were in poor health, and he wanted to attend to you personally. I can verify he used the please word to an archangel twice while you were indisposed. I am hoping notifying you of this will earn me some of his favor.”

  “There’s a human you want. Who is this human, why are you asking me about this human, and what do you want?”

  “Not precisely just a human,” the succubus admitted.

  I raised a brow. “You want to join a triad?”

  “Yes.”

  The Devil sighed. “Haven’t I dealt with enough angels this week? What did I do to deserve this, Phenexia? Do you know what triads cause me? Trouble. Triads cause me a great deal of trouble. You’ll end up seduced by an angel, and clever angels trap both of their partners for a minimum of thirty years. I don’t want to lose my secretary for thirty years.”

  “If you pay me, I can still be your secretary. He isn’t precisely wealthy, and I don’t expect that to change.” The succubus’s expression turned wry. “He’s frugal.”

  “You must be quite enamored with him for you to even consider tolerating a, may the heavens have mercy on you for I will not, frugal lifestyle.” The Devil shrugged. “You know the rules. He better be ready to satisfy me and your father.”

  “Seriously? I’m not a child! I do not need you intimidating him.”

  “You most certainly are a child, and I most certainly will make certain he is aware you have multiple fatherly figures who will be keeping a very close eye on him. Since He won’t show up, I’ll stand in and make sure both you and that damned angel are properly chaperoned.”

  Phenexia raised her hand, rubbed her brow, and muttered curses. “Must you?”

  “I absolutely must. It’s a time-honored tradition. I have annoyed every triad to ever walk the Earth, and I do not plan on changing this now. Depending on the angel, I may be inclined to be a little more flexible. Which country is your human from? We will be, as always, meeting the baby shortly after birth.”

  “He’s from India.”

  “Darlene, have you ever been to India?”

  “What makes you think I’ve left America?”

  “Right. Would you like to go to India?”

  “So you can torture your succubus and an angel? Not particularly, although somebody has to make certain you behave and play nice with her gentleman and her angel. I support the idea we have to meet the baby. However, I thought India wasn’t precisely a hotbed of Christianity.”

  “It’s not. Triads are flexible. Love is blind, and angels, once they fall in love with a human, couldn’t care less over the logistics of the human’s religion. Angels do not begrudge the other religions. Surprisingly, angels are typically welcome among most pantheons.”

  “Doesn’t that go against everything Christians believe?”

  “Who said Christians had the right idea about His will?” the Devil countered. “Phenexia, you know full well I’m not going to bar you from joining a triad. I will complain bitterly my secretary will not be accessible for several decades. However, I’d like you to help Darlene adapt, so you may wish to lure your Indian gentleman to a location where it’s tolerable for his wives to attend to day jobs, which will free up a few hours a day for you to attend to her. Considering how many of the other succubi have lost their minds because of someone’s questionable suggestion, I’d rather you handle some of the finer points of her adaption.”

  My suggestion was absolutely not questionable, and I debated which spot I would bar him from enjoying until he recognized the error of his ways. I shot a glare his way and sipped my coffee.

  I’d need another coffee if I wanted to hold any hope of enjoying a nice drink while enjoying the Devil showcasing his chest.

  The succubus raised a brow. “You’re planning on stealing her, then? While exotic enough, she’s just a mortal.”

  Yeah, I definitely understood Phenexia’s skepticism, especially after getting a good look at everything she offered.

  Really, the Devil had some major malfunctions if he preferred my covered spots over her exposed beauty.

  “For all eternity. Don’t tell the other succubi that, however. Their posturing amuses me, and Darlene needs a good look at their pettiness, so she is aware of precisely what she’s going to have to deal with.”

  I needed to call the Devil’s brothers and have a talk with them about potential treatment plans for insanity.

  Phenexia looked me over. “I need a raise if you think she’s going to compete with succubi on a mission to become your queen. There’s also the matter of her mortality.”

  “That problem is being addressed.”

  It was? I frowned, wondering just how he planned on addressing my mortality, although I’d done a fairly good job of avoiding death thus far.

  “I’m really going to need a raise if we’re going to have two converts making a mess of the place. Also, you’re going to have a problem with the man upstairs.”

  “I’ve been told it’s already been handled, and I resent I’ve been hoodwinked. I’ll be notified of what’s happening at a later time. I’m waiting for His leisure right now, and that annoys me.”

  “He always annoys you,” Phenexia muttered.

  “Yes, He does. And I particularly hate when I’m told to sit and wait patiently.”

  “So, about my raise,” the succubus prompted.

  “You would need to be paid to get a raise. You’re not paid. You do secretarial work because you hate getting bored, and you expect to be spoiled in exchange for your work. You don’t need to be paid because you get what you want without worrying about how you get it. Are you sure you’re ready to deal with all those annoying responsibilities mortals have to deal with? Maybe I should have Darlene teach you what it means to be mortal. You’ll have to play pretend at being mortal if you feel like seducing an angel and your human.”

  Phenexia thought about it. “Perhaps, but that doesn’t address the issue of her competing with succubi.”

  “She doesn’t need to compete. The winner has already been selected, and while they were posturing, she was nestled in my bed sleeping or rummaging through my closet. I’m talking about you, Darlene. Congratulations. I’m keeping you.”

  I considered going back to bed to see if a few hours restored the Devil to sanity. “Are you crazy? Also, you’re skipping a few steps.”

  “Yes,” he replied with zero evidence of shame. “I am absolutely crazy. I’m the Devil. I’m supposed to be crazy. You only have yourself to blame. You came into my home and took it over. I’ve just decided I’m accepting your offer of taking it over, so you’ve made the bed and you
get to sleep in it.” He pointed at his bedroom. “That specific bed. I’ll be joining you in it often. Are the other steps important?”

  I considered that, and careful not to lose hold of my drink, I pointed at a spot on the back of my left hand. “See that spot?”

  “I do. It’s lovely.”

  “That’s a gateway spot, but to obtain the gateway spot, you need to talk to your brothers and use both please and thank you in the same discussion. Ask one of them to bring me another coffee and use those words. This one isn’t going to last long enough for the show I was promised. The next spot you earn involves the missing steps.”

  “You’re really going to make me use those dirty, foul words, aren’t you?”

  “The gateway spot must be conquered before you can gain access to any other spots, so yes. I am. The witnessing portion of this must still happen, too. While Phenexia may have witnessed you use the word please, I missed it, so it doesn’t count.”

  Phenexia’s brows rose. “I am both disturbed and seriously impressed.”

  “She’s cruel.” The Devil captured my left hand and kissed my knuckles, and while there were spots on my knuckles, he didn’t pay them attention like he did when he was offered a spot for his enjoyment. “As you’re one of my more sensible succubi, Phenexia, do take care to monitor them for idiocy before you leave to join your triad.”

  “I can do that. Will she need a suite prepared?”

  “No. She’ll be staying with me, and while I will open rooms for her use, her residence is within my bedroom.”

  As I could be an epic bitch, I concentrated and shifted, wincing at the flash of pain associated with banishing my fur and spots, leaving behind only my ears and tail. Overall, it went better than I expected, although my skin appeared paler than I thought it should be. Frowning, I freed my hand from the Devil’s hold, inspecting my skin. “Hmm. That’s not quite right.”

  “It’s your untanned skin color,” the Devil explained. “You’re fine. You’ll tan again should you sunbathe for a while. My brother warned me you’d be paler.”