A Chip on Her Shoulder

by RJ Blain

  “It doesn’t work like that,” the Devil replied.

  “It does now.” The white kitten opened its eyes, twisted its ears back, and hissed at Lucifer. “See? My kitten agrees with me. Are they boy kittens or girl kittens, Gabriel?”

  “They are both girls. He figured my brother would like to be able to claim he has a harem. They do not yet have names, for they are yours, and you should have the naming of them.”

  I laughed at that. “Who knew? He has a sense of humor.”

  “Yes, he does. He made you, after all.”

  My mouth dropped open. “I’m going to feel that one for a while. I might need two iced coffees to recover.”

  “That was a pretty good one,” the Devil admitted. “It’s usually Michael coming up with those. Did Michael put you up to that, Gabriel?”

  “That one was all me this time, although I will confess I have carried the burden of Michael’s sense of humor in the past.”

  “Your brothers are amazing. They’re amazing assholes, but they’re still amazing, Lucifer.”

  “But they lack nipples,” the Devil reminded me. “As such, they are inferior beings compared to me.”

  I sighed at the reminder of the archangel’s utter lack of nipples. “It’s a pretty severe flaw, but I’m willing to overlook such things when they bring me presents. I really like presents.”

  Gabriel, while he still laughed, recovered enough to stand. “I will bring you iced coffee in sufficient quantity to survive what my brother has in mind for you. I will also bring sustenance, as I suspect my brother has lengthy plans for your conversion.”

  “Conversion. Explain that. I’ve heard it several times already, and then he started in on unicorns, and things became confusing at that point.”

  Gabriel snorted another laugh. “Don’t mind my brother. He is not the only one who created your Earth, and unicorns were Lucifer’s first contribution to the mortal coil’s many wonders. He has a fond spot in his heart for them. Before his fall, he was the Lord of the Morning, and little else captures the glory of the sun and its rise than a unicorn. As such, he is always out to protect his beloved children. At current, he only has one succubus sacrificed to their ways, although he’d cast them all out if they located stallions for themselves.”

  “I’m working on that,” Lucifer announced. “I do have a plan. The standard unicorns will be fine, and there’s hope enough for the cindercorns. I despair for some of the other species. Standards were my first creations, and I created the other unicorns to maintain the balance. The cindercorns developed in ways I did not expect, however.”

  “There are only a few left,” Gabriel warned. “And their numbers dwindle yearly. Within thirty years, they will run the risk of extinction.”

  “I have recently tended to that garden.”

  Gabriel straightened, and something about his body language changed, a slight tensing that worried me. Then the archangel relaxed, and his laughter once again rang out. “You are a rascal. How did you pull that off?”

  “The moon and the sun have always loved one another, and the moon’s light is a reflection of her love for the sun. I merely made it so they would meet. How far ahead have you looked?”

  “Far enough.”

  “Did I not choose wisely?”

  “She will be magnificent, but your choice of humans for her parentage is worrisome.”

  “Sariel can handle all that she is and will become, I’m sure. And when he comes asking for my help with the rest of it, who else is better for the task?” The Devil rubbed his hands together. “Agares is well suited for the work as well. Ah, that reminds me. I’d like to get those two settled with a new wife. A seed will be required, and as I had the making of the last one, it’s His turn.”

  Gabriel waved his hand. “He has no objections to you selecting the seed for them. They have done more of His work than yours, so it would be better balanced if you select the seed again. He will look the other way if you cultivate a non-human seed for them. Try not to break more rules than necessary. If you plant the seed now, the seed will be matured sufficiently for them at the end of their work on your current project.”

  “I could bend the rules a little without breaking them,” the Devil murmured, and his expression turned distant. “It’ll need to be a particularly troublesome seed for those two to unify again. But sweet and pure. Troublesome, sweet, and pure. The thought alone disgusts me. It was bad enough setting up my last scheme. The mix had to be just right for that seed to take root. Don’t you know how long I’ve been cultivating that seed?”

  “Yes. It was your first seed after your fall. I remember. I wondered when you would use it, but I never looked.”

  “He had the other seed needed for the project, and I’ve been scheming around his intentions to use it. It’s not my fault he’s slow. That seed of mine deserves only the best, and He kept refusing to give me the seed I wanted. It’s His fault.”

  “Which seed?”

  “The one Sariel’s grandson has.”

  “Fitting. Your precious seed should be well protected then.”

  “Exactly. I’ll have to continue meddling if I wish to preserve the balance. If I set my seed loose on him without properly tempering, they will not be a balanced coupling, and that will ruin my other plans. He’s too innocent regarding his power, and she will be too aggressive for him to handle.”

  “Mortals have their freedoms, Lucifer,” Gabriel said. “You cannot plan all things for them.”

  The Devil smirked. “That boy will make his mistakes, and I will make certain he makes the mistakes in such a way he’s properly cultivated. He can’t help his nature, and he needs to be matured in his powers before he gets his hands on her—or she gets her hands on him. She’d break him if he wasn’t tempered first, and he needs the strength to handle her at her worst—and she will not be easy to handle even at her best. She is what she is, and I regret nothing of my meddling in the requirements for her existence. She is one of my jewels, and she will shine, you mark my words.”

  “Her father will be quite annoyed with you when he finds out.”

  “I know. Isn’t it wonderful? He’ll owe me, and he’ll hate it. Anyway, I like her mother, and her mother is deserving of that seed. Despite how much I enjoy toying with him, I like her father as well, and He won’t provide a seed, and the universe itself likely won’t. The balance would be disturbed if it worked out any other way than this.”

  “You are truly a being of evil,” Gabriel complained. “It is your disaster. Clean up after yourself this time, or Sariel will cry, and I cannot tolerate Sariel when he cries. It is most annoying.”

  “That’s only because Sariel is delightfully twisted for an archangel and does His work on the mortal coil while seducing mortal women. He hasn’t fallen because he’s disgustingly honest about it and loyal to the death with the mortals he claims. And Agares is disgustingly pure for a devil. They’re balanced, and they do balanced work on the mortal coil. But Sariel weakens. He’s been on the mortal coil too long.”

  “He will attend to that, so don’t fret. Our brother will have plenty of power for what you need him for to complete your plans.”

  I listened with interest, petting my kittens while marveling that the pair discussed unicorns. I’d grown up daydreaming about the stories I’d heard of them, but to learn they were real and the Devil had created them?

  Life always found a way to become weirder than anticipated.

  The Devil smirked. “Peeked, did you?”

  “It disgusts me you have made their union almost inevitable.”

  “I like my unicorns, and I refuse to see them wiped out.”

  “All things end, Lucifer.”

  “But not my unicorns. They will be the last to fall even through the End of Days, you hear me? And they’ll be my first in the next life. For as long as my seed exists, there will be unicorns.”

  “Lucifer.”

  “Not. My. Unicorns.”

  “Darlene, please add
ress this problem,” Gabriel requested.

  “Wait. You’re telling me unicorns are real, and that you want me to support not preventing their extinction? No. I’m with the Devil on this one. They’re my unicorns now, and I will resent if anyone were to aid in their extinction. What species needs the most help? You said the standard unicorns and these cindercorns will be okay?”

  “Okay is a stretch, but they are not going to all die out, and they can convert members of their numbers. The qilin and kirin are secure enough. The qilin have established themselves with the Babylonians, and the kirin still roam the wilds of China, India, and Russia. There are still wild places left for them, and they have sufficient power of belief to sustain themselves.”

  “Power of belief?” I asked.

  The Devil strode to the couch and thumped onto the leather surface, propping his feet onto the coffee table. “The kirin are much like succubi and incubi, in that they require energy to sustain themselves. I tied their existence to the belief in the higher powers, of goodness and protection, and the Chinese culture maintains many rituals suitable for sustaining them. Western cultures help as well, for little children who believe in any unicorn help sustain the kirin. The qilin are more like my standard unicorns, and feed in another manner.”

  “They’re carnivores,” Gabriel explained. “Scavengers, really. Standard unicorns shepherd souls from the battlefields of the world, disposing of abandoned bodies so that the Earth is not flooded with the spirits of the deceased. The qilin are much like them, but they’re meant for the Eastern cultures. For all I dislike his methods, the unicorns all serve an important purpose for the mortal coil. I would argue that my brother’s fall is among the greatest gifts He has given mankind, but I would also argue that He did all mortals justice cultivating Lucifer to be inclined to create unicorns. Only because of them is there magic, for their creation birthed mortal magic.”

  “Unicorns are the source of magic?”

  “Not precisely.” Gabriel picked up my empty coffee cup and held it up. “Until the creation of unicorns, the cup of magic was much like this, empty but for a few drops. Those drops were the requirements for life, gifts from the universe itself. The seeds Lucifer planted, which became unicorns, resulted in the first surge of magic mortals experienced. The cup filled, and it eventually overflowed. Once the power of their births faded, the cup became drained, and the wave ended. The cup then began to refill. Each emergence is the point when the cup overflows and magic spills out from the vessels meant to hold it. Depending on what is fueling the surge of magic, it can burn out quickly or last decades, centuries—or even a thousand or more years. The first emergence lasted several hundred years.”

  “And this emergence?”

  “That would be telling.”

  I bet the Devil’s shirt the archangel smiled a smug smile much like his brother. “Basically, I’m barely a ripple in the pond in terms of my lifespan. That’s what you’re saying.”

  “That is what conversion is for. My brother intends to finish what was started and keep you at his side until the End of Days and beyond. And do not ask about what was started. My brother would become distressed. He has handled the important work, and He has already arranged for the balance of it. You can have your temper tantrum over it later if you please, Lucifer.”

  The Devil sighed. “This is where I’m supposed to use filthy words again, isn’t it?”

  While I had no idea what they were talking about, I nodded my agreement. “Do it to His face. It won’t hurt you.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Does losing access to my spots hurt you?”

  “I’m already hurt you have made your fur disappear.”

  “They will stay disappeared for longer if you put up a fight about using your filthy words to show appropriate gratitude at the appropriate times. It’s called manners, and I expect you to use them.”

  “You have some pretty harsh rules,” the Devil complained, and I recognized his lies through his body language, which relaxed. “I can’t help but notice you are lovely even without your spots. I need that coffee now, Gabriel. I think it’s time to teach her precisely what she’s getting into, and she needs her coffee to enjoy herself properly.”

  “I recommend you hang a sign on your door requesting you do not be disturbed. Remember, until you convert her, she is still technically mortal, and you need to take extra special care with her. However much it disgusts me to say this, for it means mortal men are beyond stupid for not desiring her for what she is, you are the first to take proper notice of her.”

  “Gabriel. You do realize I am the Devil, right?”

  “You are the Devil, but you are also an idiot when it comes to matters requiring delicacy.”

  “I’m well aware of what I have to work with, and it makes claiming every spot that much more enjoyable. She resists me, Gabriel.”

  “Resist is not the word I would use.”

  I snorted at the archangel’s rather blunt implication I had zero interest in resisting anything involving the Devil’s perfect chest and a bed. “Should I have just worn the tie to send the appropriate message?”

  “You wisely selected your attire for your purposes,” the archangel assured me. “Just tell him to be gentle and keep in mind you’ll tire easily. I will bring all of the things for your kittens along with your coffee, and I’ll even provide the sign and perhaps warn the other residents they would be unwise to bother you at this point in time. Do not let him forget the mortal customs you enjoy, and I recommend you recruit one of the friendlier succubi with help with your attire. You can learn some interesting arts from them, although I suspect most of your lessons will be handled by Lucifer while he handles your person.”

  “If he ever hopes to count a single one of my spots in the future, he better be handling me along with my lessons.”

  The archangel laughed. “I’ll bring your coffee and your kittens’ supplies momentarily. Be patient until then.”

  I waited for the archangel to disappear before saying, “Are you capable of being patient?”

  “I dislike it very much right now, although it wouldn’t do to have you bereft of a cold drink while you enjoy a hot show.”

  The Lord of Lies told a great deal fewer falsehoods than I expected. “It surprises me he’s not embarrassed by my untraditional attire.”

  “While he is not Sariel, he appreciates women as much as other archangels. When my brother is swayed by a mortal, I will be there, ready to indulge in mocking laughter. Should he fall for a mortal woman, I have the perfect incubus in mind. And should he fall for a mortal man, well, I’d have to put some serious thought into which succubus is partnered with her, as she’ll have to swap to be more of a Gabriella for a while.”

  “Honestly, after witnessing his lack of nipples, learning he can be a she at will isn’t even all that disturbing. But his lack of nipples? That’s just horribly disturbing.”

  “You have a nipple fetish,” the Devil informed me.

  I shrugged. “I know what I like, and I like a perfect chest with equally perfect nipples. It just happens you possess the perfect chest with equally perfect nipples. I’m afraid you’re just going to have to deal with it. I’m pretty sure my chest and my nipples are not nearly as lovely as yours.”

  “That is not a challenge you wish to issue to me, Darlene. I will spend hours proving you wrong.”

  “Talk, talk, talk. That’s what the women say, that men are all talk about that. While Gabriel wasn’t precisely lying, he left out the part about my general disinterest in a great deal of posturing for ten minutes with a chance of pregnancy. And yes, your brother told me you cannot have children. Something about your fall.” I dismissed the issue with a huff and a wave of my hand. “If I want a baby, I’ll steal an unwanted one from somewhere.”

  “Is it stealing if the child is unwanted?”

  “I’m not sure. Is it?”

  “I don’t know. I’ve never stolen unwanted babies before.”

 
“You’re the Devil, and you’ve never stolen an unwanted baby? Wait. Have you ever stolen a baby?”

  “I can’t say that I have. I have a great deal of fun with mortals who steal babies when they come to pay me a visit, however. I sometimes leave them stewing a little longer than I should to make sure they’ve learned their lesson before their next lives. When mortals say there are special places in hell for certain people? There truly are.”

  Huh. “That’s good to know. Can I help decorate?”

  “Why would we decorate the dungeons for them?”

  “I meant with their blood, mostly.”

  “We can discuss your decoration plans later. I have other plans for you right now.”

  Gabriel reappeared, and he held a tray with four iced coffees, which he placed on the coffee table. He disappeared, and when he reappeared, he carried several bags from a pet store. “Here is everything you require for your kittens’ care. Do set up their litter boxes before you indulge, set out their beds so they can catch up on sleep, and the instructions on how to feed them is in a card in the bag along with their toys. Enjoy yourselves, but try not to enjoy yourselves too much.”

  Gabriel vanished, and the Devil chuckled, rising to his feet. “Do take care of your kittens, my darling. I have exhaustive plans for you, and it wouldn’t do for us to be interrupted.”

  I eased the kittens off my lap and headed for the bag, setting up everything with some help from some note cards with directions in the bag. The instant I put their black and white cat beds down, the kittens crawled into them, flopped, and went to sleep.

  “They’re so cute,” I whispered.

  “Kittens are devilishly cute. Now come get your drink. It’s time to make you purr.”

  Thirteen

  I’d found heaven located in the depths of hell.

  I should have listened to Gabriel. There was a line between indulging and indulging too much, and I’d flung myself across it without any care of the consequences. I got the show I’d wanted, enjoying two of my iced coffees before the Devil decided he was finished behaving like a peacock and pounced to claim his reward.