A Chip on Her Shoulder

by RJ Blain

  I purred. “It really wouldn’t do at all. Chop, chop, Lucifer. I don’t have all day.”

  Seventeen

  You just want to steal your brother’s thunder.

  I could feel Gabriel’s regard the instant we appeared in the Devil’s bedroom. “You are a menace to yourself, Darlene.”

  As I couldn’t argue with him, I nodded. “I’m poisoned, and my audition to become a unicorn flunked. Now I have a headache, but I think it’s from my failed audition to be a unicorn rather than the poison.”

  With the archangel to keep me company, the Devil teleported out of the bedroom and took my pet fish and my new minion with him.

  “Yes, I see your head is bleeding rather severely. Why did you audition to become a unicorn, and what did you use for this audition?”

  “It was a glass vial that held the poison, and one of Gallo’s asshole buddies threw it at my face. His aim? Honestly, it was pretty good. Belial got ahold of Gallo’s asshole buddy, and some dog devil got the other one. I got Gallo, though. I just about knocked his head clean off with a bat. Unfortunately, I seem to have bargained away my marital status because I’m stupid and really wanted that bat. Apparently, I have received the gift of a minion, however, because I can’t just kill some guy who decided to do as told unlike his buddies.” I pointed at the pale wood bat, which the Devil had cleaned when teleporting it to his bedroom. Our bedroom. “That bat is trouble, and the Devil made me do it.”

  The archangel took hold of my chin in one hand, lifted my head, and touched my forehead with the other. His chuckle relaxed me. “My brother is quite good at tricking mortals. He has no shame, and he was quite motivated to get you to bargain with him. Of course, from what I can tell, he truly was not expecting you to remain awake and feisty for so long, so he is worrying himself more than necessary.”

  A soothing warmth spread across my face. I sighed and closed my eyes. “That feels good.”

  “I have limited your ability to feel pain for a while, as the blend of poison and trauma would leave you with a rather severe headache quite soon. Lucifer could have handled this himself, but he is less practiced than I am, and his power tends to come bundled with a price of pain. He does not wish for you to endure any more discomfort than necessary. I am also better at eradicating irritating toxins from mortals. I feel my brother has begun addressing the issue of your mortality, but for some reason I cannot fathom, he has not finished the process. I do not wish to peek, for my brother often thinks lewd thoughts, and I would need to purify my soul.”

  I laughed at the idea of an archangel trying to detox himself from his brother’s perversions. “I have noticed he is a fan of being naughty. He likes unicorns a little too much, and he feels a need to compete with his creations. I’m not going to fall over dead, am I?”

  “You will not fall over dead. The injury from your unconventional horn will cause you some pain for a few days, but it is no big matter. There was minimal damage done to your skull, and the conversion process will help you heal. There are benefits to a gradual conversion, although you will find life a little easier when you are the queen over all other succubi and they do not feel they can challenge you. The groundwork has been laid already.”

  “You just want to steal your brother’s thunder.” I wouldn’t begrudge the archangel’s rivalry with the Devil.

  The Devil had a disturbing tendency to make such things enjoyable.

  “I absolutely do wish to steal my brother’s thunder. He will mind his own business for years while making sure you have full control over your new powers. Physically, you are heavily fatigued and require rest. Completing the conversion process is simple. Truthfully, he’s done most of the work, so he can claim full credit for your conversion. I would just be giving you a nudge so your body finalizes the changes to your genetics, which would take place over the next two or three days if I do not give additional nudges. I suspect my brother intends for you to rest for the next few days anyway, so he won’t notice if you finish the process on your own. It’s also why you’re so easily provoked right now. You have quite a lot of devilish energy coursing through you. My brother can be quite determined and enthusiastic when he wishes to be.”

  No kidding. “Anything I should know about that?”

  “When your conversion is over, you will be very interested in my brother, and you will become rather violent towards men who are not my brother. Your brother will mostly be safe from you, as in you’ll permit him in your space, but you would be wise to entertain my brother for a few days before you interact with other men. That is a little gift from Him, so your new nature does not create problems you do not want. It does not hurt you are naturally inclined towards monogamy, much like my brother.” Gabriel tilted my head to the side, and I wondered what he stared at and why—and how beings without heads looked at anything at all.

  “So, you’re saying I’ll get to lounge around and rest in bed for a few days, after which I’ll lounge around in bed but I won’t be resting for a few more days after that?”

  “Precisely.”

  “Can we just get this show on the road? I don’t need to undergo any form of conversion to have a healthy interest in this plan, Gabriel.”

  “I am aware. You fell for my brother’s wicked ways the moment you saw him. It took him but a few moments longer, upon realization you had stormed his home, for him to become unreasonable about his interest in you. There. I have done my part. The rest is in your hands. Try not to tire my brother out too much when you grow into your wings. Do make him take you flying, too—and make sure he teaches you how to land rather than insist on foolishness, including catching you instead merely so he can carry you around, as he enjoys doing that.” Gabriel took a step away from me and waved his hand, which removed evidence I’d dripped blood everywhere.

  I touched my face to discover if I wanted to rid myself of caking blood and poison residue, I’d have to go take a bath. “You would think the Devil would be far more of a cold-hearted creature,” I admitted. “But he’s warm.”

  “You have forced him to show you his best, and you have made him love every moment of it. As I do enjoy spying on my brother, and he is very focused on you rather than on me, he is currently in your trophy room explaining to your new minion his role in your life, which is as a bodyguard, mortal minion, and so on. I expect that one will undergo a conversion the instant He has need or want of a new angel. That one is more of a victim of circumstance rather than malicious, although you will find him suitable for some of your future schemes. I recommend you assign him as a hidden custodian and guardian.”

  “For Kanika?”

  “Yes. There will be times my brother might wish to have information on her due to a bargain he has struck. Using your latest acquisition to track her activities, especially as she grows older, would be beneficial. You can also ensure she has work when she needs it through him or another one of your minions. It will keep your temper appeased if you are able to help from the background.”

  It amused me the archangel had decided to go with the term minion as well. “You’re quite the meddler, aren’t you?”

  “I have my moments. Kanika will find me and my brothers to be most annoying. She will not be sure what to think about you at first, but you will find her to be most affectionate once she comes to the conclusion you are the sole bastion of sanity in my brother’s many hells. Her rivalry with Lucifer will be a thing of beauty.”

  After having done a stint as a glass-vial unicorn, I hardly considered myself to be sane. “What is the bat made out of? Lucifer wouldn’t tell me.”

  “It is made from the heartwood of the Tree of Life,” the archangel replied. “He picked only the best for you. He also has some of the heartwood from that tree, although He waits to make use of it. He finds my brother’s choice of wood most amusing. Your bat is a most potent weapon, and He finds it appropriate to be in your hands.”

  “Oh. Where are my kittens?” I checked the sitting room and the bedroom before peeking u
nder the bed in search of my kittens. “They’re usually in here, on our pillows.”

  “Do not fret. They are playing out in the lava fields, hunting demons and devils who have taken on the shape of mice. They learn how to be your protectors, and the demons and devils seek my brother’s favor while enjoying the game. Really, it is disgustingly cordial here as of late. And do not worry. Mere lava will not hurt them.”

  “Except for that herd of succubi wanting my man,” I corrected. “That won’t be very cordial if they keep it up!”

  “Conversion will resolve that problem, and you can carry around your bat to persuade them against making any moves on Lucifer. And anyway, you have bargained to marry him, so you will be wed—and my brother? He is not a patient being on this subject. He will not accept anything but your union with him at the earliest opportunity. Should you have those you wish to be in attendance, you should write it down and leave it where my brother can find it. Be aware he will likely kidnap anyone on the list, as he will not tolerate anything interfering with your happiness.”

  “If I put you and Michael on the list, will he kidnap you?”

  “He would absolutely try, but we would consent to his kidnapping, so it would not be a kidnapping, for we would consent to attend.”

  I wandered to the desk in the sitting room and rummaged through it until I found a piece of paper and pen, and with the inclusion of the two archangels, my list of names went up to three. “I still haven’t named my kittens.”

  “I am sure you’ll find good names for them both, but if you wish to annoy my brother, you would name them after him—with their names misspelled. He hates that, and your feuding over their names would last until the end of days.”

  I laughed at the thought of someone spelling the Devil’s name wrong. “That’s so amusing.”

  “I thought you would appreciate that. Do not feel you need to name them immediately. They know you cherish them even when you take your time, and they will appreciate the games you play with your future husband. Go clean up, as the sight of you wearing so much blood will ultimately distress my brother. I will go make certain he contains most of his impulses in the meantime. Rest well, Darlene.”

  I fully intended to.

  True to Gabriel’s word, I hibernated for several days before I woke up refreshed and in dire need of attention from the Devil. My brother made the mistake of trying to delay me from my mission, and rather than twist him into a pretzel, I set my kittens loose on him. To all appearances, a newly converted incubus should have had the advantage over two fluffy bundles of joy, but following a single pounce from my pets, my brother fled.

  That left me with another problem: Belial. I lashed my tail and hissed at the devil, who regarded me with interest. When hissing didn’t drive him off, I graduated to transforming my hands so I had nice, sharp claws to work with.

  Belial only looked human, and if he couldn’t handle being clawed up by a cat, he wasn’t worthy of the Devil’s regard.

  “You woke up in a mood,” Belial observed. “You also woke up quite hungry, I see.”

  “Where is he?”

  “Lucifer is doing his best to convince some stubborn succubi he is unavailable for their enjoyment. You should put your wings, fur, and spots on so you can help him convince them you are the queen of his roost. He is in the great hall, and he has been sulking because you have been in poor health. There have been too many archangels in this place, all confirming you were merely tired and recovering. You woke once, but you limited your coherency to coming in here, crawling onto Lucifer’s lap, and resuming your sleep. That tamed him, as he took that to mean you were recovering as promised, so he has ventured out of these rooms today. He will be pleased when you focus your attention on him.”

  “Well, if he’d been in bed where he belonged, I wouldn’t have had to crawl onto his lap.”

  “You are most correct. Your brother and I were assigned to stand guard, as I have zero interest in you as a partner of that nature, nor do I wish for my soul to be ruined irrevocably. That is what Lucifer will do to any who cross him on this matter. Your brother was selected to stand guard, as you would not kill him without provocation.”

  I couldn’t remember where the great hall was or if I’d seen it yet. “I don’t know how to put on my wings. I have wings?”

  “You’re matured enough to be able to manifest your wings,” Belial confirmed. “Shapeshift as you would to become your furry yet human self, but focus on your desire. Your wings are tied with your need to hunt sexual energy. Lucifer will satisfy you, but displaying your wings will be a sign you hunger and hunt. Calm succubi hide their wings, and should they hunger too much, their wings will manifest. When you are well fed, you will be able to manifest them at your will, but a hungry succubus showing her wings is not to be trifled with.”

  “And that herd after him? They showed their wings,” I growled.

  “They are all fed well, so they are posturing and wish to remind those around them they are desirable. I have taken the liberty of bringing clothes suitable for your wings, and Lucifer has paid no attention to it, as most attire meant to accommodate tails also accommodates wings.”

  “He is easily tricked, I see.”

  “At times.” Belial stood, entered the bedroom, and opened the closet door, pulling out a red, slinky dress. “I recommend this dress. It is one of Lucifer’s favorites, and he is eager to see you in it, although he is unclear why you would want a dress capable of accommodating wings when his campaign to finish converting you is delayed temporarily. The archangels are quite smug about it. They hope Lucifer will learn to peek more and enjoy being surprised a little less.”

  “Don’t ask for miracles. That way, you will not be disappointed.”

  Belial’s laughter had a wicked, dark edge to it. “How right you are. Make yourself pretty, put on your wings, fur, and spots, and I will guide you to the great hall.”

  I retreated to the bathroom, closed the door, and stripped out of the silky pajamas the Devil had likely acquired for me. I’d have to thank him for that, as I enjoyed the feel of silk on my skin. Following Belial’s instructions, I discovered I did have wings, and unlike the other succubi I’d seen, they were feathered. Conversion had done wonders for my coat, which came in thick and plush, and my new wings offered the Devil hundreds upon hundreds of new spots for him to become acquainted with.

  Sliding into the dress took some work, especially when learning how to cope with wings, which were larger than I expected, ridiculously fluffy, and had a tendency to bang into everything.

  After I caught the Devil, lured him into our bedroom, and had my way with him, I’d demand lessons on how to control my wings. When I no longer threatened to knock everything off the walls and nearby surfaces, I’d badger him into teaching me how to fly.

  Satisfied with my plan for the rest of my week, I hunted for my collar, which was no longer on the dresser where it typically lived when I wasn’t wearing it. “Belial? Where’s my collar?”

  “Lucifer is feeling needy, so he is carrying it around since he can’t just drag you all over the residence without waking you.”

  What a cretin, stealing my collar after I’d stolen it from him. I emerged from the bathroom, checked the closet, and debated the problem of shoes. While I’d been sleeping, someone had converted the Devil’s closet to have space for things meant for me, and a ridiculous number of sandals, heels, and leather boots waited for my use.

  Belial joined me, and he selected a pair of black boots with a two inch stiletto heel. “These would do an admirable job of drawing Lucifer’s attention. He is quite eager to see you wear these.”

  I bet. I took the boots, sat on the edge of the bed, and pulled them on and lost a ridiculous amount of time lacing them up. “He’s going to have to reward me spectacularly every time I wear these.”

  “I am sure he’ll attend to your every need.” Belial gestured towards the door. “If you are ready?”

  I nodded, and on my way, I snagg
ed my baseball bat, laughing over the new addition of a pretty white bow tied around the handle. “The bow is a nice touch.”

  “That is Michael’s contribution, as he feels you deserve a bow on your present. Gabriel magicked the bow so it will never become dirty, so you can keep it for however long you like.”

  “I love it. It adds such a feminine touch to my new weapon.” To my delight, the bow was made of satin. “I’ll have to thank them.”

  “As Lucifer has ‘invited’ them to stay for the next two or so weeks, you can thank them in the great hall. He even paid a short visit to make sure his archangels and his fallen son would not cause too much trouble. That startled most of the residents, as He does not visit often. Your kittens did an excellent job of containing Lucifer, as they took over his lap and slept, thus invoking the new sacred rule of the household.”

  “Don’t disturb the sleeping kittens?” I guessed.

  “You are most correct. You are the most prized of the sleeping kittens, but your kittens come a close second. It amuses me that two young felines prevented a premature End of Days.”

  “Well, Lucifer has a reputation, and he likes to argue with his father. Even I have figured that out.”

  “I wouldn’t say he likes it. It is simply his nature.”

  “Well, there’s nothing wrong with him as he is.” I tested the boots to make certain I wouldn’t fall on my ass and humiliate myself, purring my satisfaction over their comfort and fit. “Everything else has been okay?”

  “For the most part. The succubi are testing Lucifer’s patience, so if you could establish your territory, we would all be appreciative.”

  “I’m just going to threaten to beat them to death if they don’t get their hands off my man and keep them off, I hope you are aware of this.”