Behind His Eyes

by Claire Kingsley

  "Why?"

  "Why am I glad? Well, the sight of you with cheese on your face was worth the cost of dinner," he says.

  I laugh, but wipe my chin with a napkin, just to be sure. "No, dummy, why did you wonder if you should do this?"

  He opens his mouth as if he’s going to speak, then closes it again, glancing away. I hesitate, wondering if I shouldn't have asked. I meant it to be flirtatious, a reason for him to say something nice about wanting to see me. Then I could say something sweet back. Isn’t that how it works? Fuck, I’m so bad at this.

  His eyes move back to mine and his dimples pucker with his smile. "I just wasn't sure if you'd want to hang out, you know, outside of official festival business."

  My shoulders relax and I smile back. "Yeah, this has been great."

  He doesn’t reply—just sits there staring at me, his gaze so intense I can’t move. What is going on in that head of his? Has this turned into a date yet? Is that what I want? The longer he holds my eyes, the harder my heart pounds in my chest, and the more I think maybe the best thing would be for us to get out of here and go back to his place. Now.

  Ryan blinks, almost as if he’s startled. "I, um, I need to use the bathroom. I'll be right back."

  He leaves to use the restroom and I check my phone, more to anchor myself to some sort of reality than because I want to check my messages. I stare at the screen, not really seeing it. My feelings are a tangled mess, like splashes of color, all mingling and blending together. What is happening to me?

  My ears perk up to the conversation in the booth behind me. I swear I heard my name. I don’t really want to eavesdrop, but the sensation they are talking about me is so strong, I lean my head back and listen.

  "That's what I heard."

  "Wow. I didn't see that coming."

  "I know, isn't it strange? I guess she moved back in with her parents."

  Oh my god, they are talking about me.

  "So she left him?"

  "I think. Or maybe he kicked her out, I don't know. I heard she’s hanging around with that guy who bought the old church up the highway. I can't remember his name. Doesn't that seem kind of fast to you?"

  "Totally. It's sad. Some women just can't be alone."

  I feel the color drain from my face and my stomach turns over. Is that what people are saying about me? That I can’t be alone? I want to turn around and argue—tell them I am a strong, independent, successful woman. I work for a prestigious firm in Seattle and I make my own way in the world. I don’t need anyone. But I’m too stunned to do anything other than stare at the table.

  Ryan slips back into his seat across from me. "Hey, sorry. Do you want to go get some dessert and a drink somewhere?"

  I blink at him. "Um, no. I think I should get home."

  "Is everything all right?"

  "Yeah," I say, with a flippant wave of my hand. "Everything's fine. I'm just ... not really up for a late night."

  My fight or flight urge is taking over and I want to dash outside, away from the prying eyes of the other Roma's patrons. What was I thinking? I just got out of a relationship that lasted my entire adult life up to this point. I can’t be running into the arms of another man right now. I don’t want people to see me as that girl—the one who can’t make it on her own. The one who needs a man to be sure of herself.

  "Okay," he says, his brow furrowed. "Do you want me to take you home, then?"

  No, I don't need you to do anything for me. "That's all right, I'll get home on my own." I gather up my purse and stand, feeling panic rise. I never should have come running home to this town. I’m nothing but a disgrace, and the whole town knows it.

  Ryan follows me outside silently. I fire off a quick text to Melissa as I walk.

  Please come get me at Roma's. Now. Emergency.

  "I'm not sure what just happened, but I can drive you home," Ryan says. "It's no big deal."

  "No, I'm good," I say. "Thanks for dinner, it was nice. I'm sure we'll talk soon. The festival and all."

  He looks at me like I’m crazy. Maybe I am. "Do you have a ride coming or something?"

  I shrug, trying to act casual and hide my trembling hands. "Melissa's on her way. I, um, I wanted to see her anyway, so it worked out."

  "I'll wait, then."

  "No, no, it's fine," I say. "You don't have to stay."

  Ryan takes a few steps back and crosses his arms, but he doesn’t head for his car. I watch the road, willing Melissa to get here, tapping my finger against my phone. I don’t want those women in the restaurant to come out and see me standing here.

  "Nicole, did something happen? Did I say something?" Ryan asks.

  "No," I say. "Look, this is just a weird time for me, okay? I need to get home."

  "I can—"

  Melissa pulls up in front of us like a bat out of hell, her tires squealing. Her car door flies open and she jumps out, her face full of concern. She looks at me, then at Ryan, and her brow furrows.

  "Are you all right?" she asks me, giving Ryan a sidelong glance.

  Ryan looks bewildered, but I try to ignore him, and the feeling of guilt that is blooming in my belly. "I'm fine. Let's just go."

  "Okay..." Melissa says.

  "Thanks again for dinner," I say without looking at Ryan, as I get in Melissa's car.

  Melissa shuts her door and pulls out toward the road. "Holy shit, Nic. What the hell did he do?"

  Tears flood my eyes. What the fuck is wrong with me?

  "Nothing," I say. "He didn't do anything."

  "Then why did I just rescue you from Roma's?"

  "I am such a disaster of a person," I say. "I had everything. A good-looking boyfriend. A great apartment in an awesome neighborhood. A great job."

  "I'm sorry, honey, but I'm totally not following you."

  I shake my head and wipe beneath my eyes. "I was voted 'Most Likely to Succeed' in high school, you remember that? Such bullshit. It should have been 'Most Likely to Desperately Need a Man in Her Life.'"

  "What the hell are you talking about?" Melissa asks.

  "Things fall apart with Jason, and what do I do? I come running home to mommy and daddy and cling on to the first fucking guy who's nice to me. What the fuck is that about?"

  "Wow. Okay, overreact much?"

  "I'm not overreacting."

  "Sure you aren't," Melissa says, her voice full of sarcasm.

  "How did you get there so fast?" I ask.

  "I was driving home from picking up some stuff at the store." She gestures to a few grocery bags in the back seat.

  "Oh, sorry," I say.

  "It's fine. I was done, and nothing in there's frozen or anything."

  She takes a right where she should go left.

  "Where are we going?"

  She ignores me. Two turns later, she drives down the beach approach, her headlights hitting the crashing waves. She pulls over to the side at the end of the approach and turns off the car.

  "What are you doing?" I ask.

  "Giving you a minute to calm the fuck down," she says.

  "Do you talk to your students with that mouth?" I ask.

  "In my head, I do," she says.

  Despite myself, I laugh. "Seriously, why are we sitting on the beach?"

  "Come on, Nicole. We always used to come down here when we were pissed about something. Our parents, or our dickhead boyfriends. You sat out here with me in your prom dress, missing half the dance, because I was crying over Aaron Sanders dumping me right before the dance."

  "God, that was shitty," I say. "Showing up at prom with that hussy from another school. I can't even remember her name, that's how forgettable she was."

  Melissa laughs so hard she snorts. "Hussy. That's such a fantastic word."

  She pauses, taking a deep breath. We both stare out at the water for a few minutes, letting the conversation die. The headlights illuminate the white caps of the waves as they crash onto the sand, the rhythm carrying through the closed doors.

  "Okay, Nic," M
elissa says after a while. "Spill."

  "I freaked out," I say. "Ryan asked me to dinner and we were having a great time. He's so easy to talk to. I can't remember the last time I felt so comfortable. Even after all those years, I felt like I had to walk on eggshells with Jason. Tonight was so different. I forgot what it was like to just chill and be me with someone."

  "There's a pretty big disconnect here," Melissa says. "How do you go from that, which sounds lovely, to flipping your shit and calling me in for a dramatic rescue?"

  I press my fingers over my eyes. I am such an idiot. "I heard some people at another table talking about me."

  "You realize you were probably imagining it."

  "No, I wasn't this time," I say. "I heard what they were saying. They called me sad because I'm one of those girls who can't be alone."

  "Is that what this is about?" Melissa turns in her seat so she’s facing me. "First of all, fuck them. They don't know you. They don't know anything that's going on in your life. It's easy to sit around and gossip over a fucking pizza. It's none of their goddamn business."

  I lean my head against the seat. "I know."

  "No, you don't know," she says. "You aren't one of those girls. You're Nicole Prescott. You're smart and beautiful, and life just took a big fat dump in your lap. You need to quit spending your precious energy giving a shit what everyone else thinks. Do you know what some people said about me when I started my job at the elementary school? That I must not have been able to make it in the outside world. I had to come running back to the beach after college and go work at the same school I went to. You know what? Fuck them right in the ass. I came back here because this is my home. I love this stupid town. I’ve wanted to teach at that damn school since forever. So I did. And I love my job, even when those little shits piss me off. I don't care what those gossipy bitches think about me, and you shouldn't care either."

  I close my eyes. I know Melissa is right. I envy her ability to brush off other people's opinions. She's always been that way. What people think and say about me seems so important in the moment. But why? What do I care?

  "Oh my god, I'm such a horrible person," I say. "I just walked out on him, didn't I? I freaked out and I ran. He probably thinks it's his fault."

  "Yeah, he probably does."

  I give Melissa a sidelong glance. "Thanks. That's so helpful."

  "You should call him."

  She’s absolutely right. I bring up his number and hit send. It rings once. Twice. I meet Melissa's eyes. She gives me an encouraging, if worried, smile. Third ring. Fourth. I shake my head slowly and his voicemail picks up. I hang up without leaving a message. I’m not sure what to say, and at least he’ll see I tried to call.

  "He didn't answer," I say.

  "Maybe he turned his phone off."

  "Yeah, I guess," I say. But I know he’s avoiding my call. "I'll try again tomorrow."

  "Sure," Melissa says. She starts her engine. "I'll get you home. Unless you want to go get a drink or something."

  "Thanks Mel, but no. I think I want to eat a tub of ice cream, then go to bed and berate myself for being an idiot until I fall asleep."

  "Sounds productive," she says.

  I sigh. I don’t know why I have such a hang-up about what people say about me. Melissa is right; it shouldn't matter. Saying I can’t help it is a cop out, but that's honestly how it feels. I don’t know what it would be like to throw caution to the wind and live my life without looking over my shoulder, without wondering who’s judging me.

  Maybe I’ll go up to Ryan's place in the morning. I owe him at least an in-person apology. I hope he'll be willing to talk to me, but I can’t blame him if he isn’t.

  11

  RYAN

  M y phone lights up with Nicole's number, but I toss it onto the passenger seat without answering. I don’t know what the fuck just happened, but I don’t want to deal with her drama. Did someone come in and switch women while I was in the bathroom? I was in the middle of a fucking fantastic date—and it most certainly turned into a date—when she literally did a one-eighty on me. Damn my bladder. I’d been holding it for a while at that point, but if I knew she'd be all weird when I got back from the bathroom, I would have waited. Did I say something that freaked her out? Did she get a phone call while I was gone?

  Oh, shit. I bet she got a call from douchebag Jason.

  That makes a little more sense, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. My head is spinning. She was so easy to talk to. I can’t remember feeling so relaxed with a woman, maybe ever. I dated too many models who sat with me and picked at their food. It was so distracting, watching a woman shift the contents of her plate around, taking tiny bites, clearly calculating the calorie count of each morsel. One woman even brought a protein shake to dinner. She didn't want anything but water for her little shaker bottle—she emptied in that powdered shit, shook it up, and that was that. She spent the rest of the meal watching me eat.

  But Nicole—she attacked that pizza with gusto, clearly enjoying her dinner. We laughed and joked around. I found myself telling her stories about my time in L.A. that I never share with anyone. And when I touched her. Oh my god. What was that? I wanted to grab her by the wrist and pull her out to my car, and who knew if we'd make it anywhere? I wanted to know what she tasted like, what her hot ass would feel like in my hands. My constant hard-on throughout dinner aside, I thought we were having fun. It was so easy with her.

  Until it wasn't.

  What did Jason want? I know some girls have a hard time leaving a guy, even if they’ve been hurt. And she was with him a long time. Maybe he had something she couldn't resist. I have no idea what that would be, but I never understood why she was with him in the first place. And if it wasn’t Jason, then what had happened?

  I step on the gas, flying up the highway. With the way this night is going, I'll probably get a ticket, but I don’t care. I just want to get away from town, back to the solitude of my place. I have a shoot in the morning, so I need time to relax so I can be on my game. I pride myself on giving my clients my best, no matter what I’m shooting. Tomorrow I have a boudoir session, and those are so intimate. I love doing them. Women absolutely fascinate me—their curves, their strength, their fragility, their sensuality. Bringing that out in a photograph feels like magic, especially when my subject isn’t a paid model. Regular, everyday women, with their folds and wrinkles and curves in the wrong places. They all have this fire, this passion inside of them. A beauty that goes beyond the shape of their bodies. It’s exciting to bring that out. Truth be told, it’s a fucking turn-on, even if I’m not attracted to the woman I’m shooting. There’s this moment, when they finally let their inhibitions drop—when they relax and let out the inner sexuality they’ve been repressing. God, it’s glorious.

  But if I’m going to bring that out in my client in the morning, I need to get Nicole out of my mind.

  I spend the night tossing and turning. My bed is usually my favorite thing. It’s so damn comfortable, I always fall asleep seconds after my head hits the pillow. But I can’t sleep. The bed feels too big. Too empty.

  This is stupid. Whatever spooked Nicole, she obviously has issues she needs to work through. Whether it’s douchebag Jason, or something else, it’s not up to me to fix her. I can barely hold myself together.

  Morning comes way too soon, and I make a big pot of coffee. I wander out into my studio to set things up for my shoot. My client, Joanna, is someone I tried to work with before, but she got too anxious and decided to reschedule. She’s a sweet lady, in her forties with a couple kids. She isn’t a local, but she’s staying at a hotel in Jetty Beach, with friends if I recall. Making a girl's weekend out of her boudoir session. Hopefully her girlfriends have given her some courage so she'll be able to relax and get through her shoot this time. The first time we met, she told me all about her husband and her marriage. They usually do. Sometimes it feels like I’m part therapist. Like a lot of the women I work with, she loves her husband, b
ut life in the bedroom is pretty quiet. She hopes to rekindle the fire with some sexy photos.

  I can definitely help with that.

  I move a few things around, wanting to create the perfect setting. Joanna will be nervous, so she needs to feel at ease, and the props I choose will either help or hinder. I don’t think she’s going to be a lingerie or corset kind of woman. I encourage women to bring their own clothes, but I also have a pretty wide assortment of pieces in a variety of sizes. I often ask to keep samples when I do shoots for product lines, and the companies are generally willing to let me have them. I pull out a couple of evening gowns and a few silky slips, and hang them on a freestanding metal rack. I'll start with those and see what she gravitates toward. From there, I can help her find some pieces that make her feel good. Because the truth of it is, that's what this is all about. Making her feel good. It doesn’t matter if the color flatters her skin or the cut is just right. If she feels sexy, her photos will radiate sex appeal.

  I move the chaise out of the way. I don’t see Joanna on burgundy velvet. Too brazen. She needs soft. Calm. I move a few racks with billowing white curtains for the backdrop and angle the white couch in front of them. Maybe I’ll start with her there. If I can get her comfortable, I bet she'll feel sexy as hell holding up a sheet, turning to look at the camera. I'll tousle her hair, add a little flush to her cheeks. Give her that post-sex glow. I smile thinking about it. She’s going to feel amazing.

  I take a quick shower and throw on some clean clothes—a pair of slacks and a light blue button-down shirt. I cuff the sleeves, rolling them up so I have ease of movement, and get to work setting up my lights and equipment.

  Someone knocks on the front door and I look at the clock. Joanna is early, but I’m almost ready for her. I give the studio one last glance, hoping she'll like what she sees. She's come all this way for the second time—I really want to make her comfortable and have a fantastic shoot.

  I open the door and nervousness shoots through my gut. It’s Nicole.

  She looks incredible. Her blond hair is pulled back with a little braid on each side, a few pieces hanging down around her ivory neck. The dark blue of her dress makes her eyes positively glow, and her white sweater ends just above her waistline, showing off the curve of her hips. Her lips glisten and I can’t stop staring as she opens and closes her mouth a few times.