Jed Had to Die

by Tara Sivec

  “Well, he’s busy trying to gather evidence against her, I can see how that would make blackmail sex a little tricky. We need another plan,” Bettie nods.

  “Hello? I’m sitting right here,” I complain, waving my hands in front of both of their cookie-stuffed faces.

  “We know. And yet, you’re still the town’s number one suspect and not even a twelve-year-long wet dream is going to stop the sheriff from arresting the responsible party. Although, with the way Benjamin won’t disappear, I’m assuming you have a magical vagina, so that sex thing needs to stay on the table for now,” Bettie says with a point of her cookie at me.

  “She’s had a very eventful couple of days,” Emma Jo explains, patting the top of my hand.

  “Yeah, I heard all about you throwing down with Bo Jangles when Starla accosted me in the driveway as soon as I pulled in. That little ball of fur is adorable. I can’t believe you were mean to him,” Bettie chastises.

  “You are officially off my Christmas card list.”

  “I’ll be back on it when you hear what I have to tell you,” Bettie replies with a smile, turning to look at Emma Jo. “Who’s Roy Pickerson? I was told this Roy guy got into a fight with your dearly departed husband a few weeks ago.”

  “Roy owns Pickerson’s Bar. How in the hell did YOU hear about this fight?” I ask in annoyance.

  “I stopped at the Gas N Sip on my way here to get a Pepsi and the guy who owns the place told me about it,” Bettie explains with a shrug, grabbing another cookie and taking a sip of her coffee, like it’s no big deal Mo Wesley opened up to a complete stranger just passing through town.

  “Seriously? I was born and raised here and no one will give me the time of day. You’re here for five minutes and Mo is spilling secrets,” I complain, drinking more of my coffee before my head explodes.

  “Well, you shouldn’t steal coffee from him, he doesn’t like that very much. Also, I was quite pleasant and smiley and that makes people want to talk to me. You should try it sometime,” she mocks. “Plus, it probably helped that I pretended like I didn’t know you and said I was an old friend of Emma Jo’s. Everyone loves Emma Jo in this town. When I told him this Payton Lambert character sounded kind of sketchy, I couldn’t get the guy to shut up.”

  “You are the worst friend ever,” I grumble, glaring at Emma Jo when she laughs.

  “Do you want me to tell you the rest about Roy or not? Apologize and tell me I’m pretty,” Bettie demands, folding her hands together on top of the table and staring me down until I begrudgingly comply.

  “I’m sorry and you’re really pretty,” I mutter.

  “There, that wasn’t so hard now was it?” Bettie asks, grabbing her coffee cup and leaning back in her chair. “So, Roy Pickerson of Pickerson’s bar has a son who will be turning sixteen at the end of the summer, correct?”

  Emma Jo and I nod and she continues.

  “Right, so I guess Caden has been applying to take college courses next school year. He needed a letter of recommendation and good old Roy took it upon himself to ask everyone’s favorite mayor, since Caden has been mowing your lawn and pulling your weeds for the last few years,” Bettie explains with a nod in Emma Jo’s direction.

  “Yes, he has. He does such a great job, too. He’s always here first thing in the morning, every three days like clockwork, even during the school year when he comes on the weekends,” Emma Jo explains.

  “Right, well according to your husband, Caden didn’t mow the lawn in the correct direction and that doesn’t show good work ethics, so he refused to write the letter. Roy Pickerson was NOT a happy man,” Bettie finishes.

  “You have got to be kidding me?” Emma Jo complains with a shake of her head.

  “Are you really shocked at this point that you were married to a douchebag?” Bettie questions her.

  “No, I guess not.”

  Bettie smacks her palms down on the table.

  “Alright, bitches, Bettie is here, and it’s time for me to work my magic. The entire town is crying in the streets like Jesus died and pointing their fingers in Payton’s direction because she’s like a stranger to them and they don’t trust her,” Bettie states. “Your to-do list now includes Make Nice with the Townsfolk.”

  “How in the hell am I supposed to do that when no one will talk to me?” I question in irritation.

  “Try not abusing any more dogs or complaining about the town you grew up in. You’ve been telling me since I met you how much you hate this place and how you never wanted to come back. Well, now you’re back, and as you’ve always said, word travels fast in Bald Knob,” Bettie reminds me. “These people know you don’t want to be here, and they can sense how uncomfortable you are being back here. Instead of grilling them on the streets, try being nice. Ask about what they’ve been doing since you were gone and get to know them as people and not as suspects on your murder list.”

  I want to be offended by Bettie’s words, but she’s absolutely right. I’ve been miserable since I got here because I felt like I’d outgrown this town and the people in it. Then I rekindled my friendship with Emma Jo, hung out with my parents, kissed Leo, and had hours and hours of dirty thoughts about him. I kept complaining about all the things I missed and left behind in Chicago, when I should have been concentrating on all the things I missed here, where I grew up and where all of my best memories came from.

  “Fine, you’re right. I’ll do better at being nice to people,” I reply with a sigh.

  “I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you. Can you say that again, maybe a little louder?” Bettie requests, holding one hand up by her ear and leaning over the table toward me.

  “Don’t make me have Emma Jo bake you a blueberry pie,” I growl under my breath.

  “Okay, I’d like to add something to the to-do list,” Emma Jo says in a quiet voice. “I’m going to come clean about my marriage and tell everyone about Jed’s abuse so people finally know that he wasn’t as good of a guy as they thought he was.”

  “No! Not even no, but HELL-TO-THE-NO!” I argue.

  “Payton, she has a good point. If people find out what Jed’s been doing to her all these years, they’re going to be sympathetic to that and stop trying to throw you in prison,” Bettie adds.

  “I said no, and that’s final. I love you Emma Jo, but I’m not going to let you do that. You hid it for all of these years for a reason, and I’m not going to stand by and watch you spill all of your secrets and humiliations and relive all of those horrible memories so everyone will have something else to gossip about.”

  Emma Jo’s eyes fill with tears and I reach over and grab her hand, giving it a squeeze.

  “I wasn’t a very good friend to you for twelve years. Let me at least have this so I can stop feeling like such an asshole, okay?”

  We sit staring at each other silently for a few minutes until Emma Jo finally nods and swipes away the tears that fell down her cheeks.

  “Okay, fine. You give me no choice but to bump your magical vagina up to the top of the to-do list,” Bettie informs me, pulling out her phone from the front pocket of her cut-off jean shorts and tapping away at the screen.

  “What are you doing?” I ask while she bites her bottom lip and concentrates on whatever she’s doing.

  “Give me a minute. Genius takes time.”

  After a few more taps on the screen, she puts the phone on the table and slides in across to me.

  “Hey! That was MY phone! What did you do?” I ask in a panic, opening up all of my apps to see what I can find.

  “Calm down, sweet tits. I booked a night at a spa in Louisville for me and Emma Jo tonight so you can have some alone time with the sheriff and rub that voodoo vagina magic all over him without worrying about being interrupted. Cast your spell and maybe he won’t arrest you,” Bettie suggests with a smile. “Don’t worry, I already sent a text to that fine man and told him what’s up.”

  I quickly open up the text messaging app and groan when I see the outgoing text Bettie sent
to Leo from my phone.

  “Bring your sweet ass over tonight at seven. Clothing optional,” I read out loud.

  “Hey, leave your phone unattended without a lock code and suffer the consequences,” Bettie shrugs, pushing her chair back from the table and crooking her elbow for Emma Jo to take.

  “Come on, Emma Jo, we’ve got a night of pampering to pack for, and Payton needs at least seven hours to shave her pits and weed whack her legs.”

  Emma Jo giggles and gives me a sheepish smile when she stands up and grabs Bettie’s outstretched elbow, letting Bettie pull her out of the kitchen.

  “YOU ARE BOTH DEAD TO ME!” I shout.

  “Then this is me, speaking from beyond the grave when I remind you to trim your bush while you’re at it. No man needs to choke on a hairball!” Bettie yells back from down the hall.

  CHAPTER 24

  Recorded Interview

  June 5, 2016

  Bald Knob, KY Police Department

  Deputy Lloyd: Have you been in contact with Payton Lambert since the night of May 31st?

  Benjamin Montgomery: Of course I’ve been in contact with my fiancée.

  Deputy Lloyd: Your fiancée?

  Benjamin Montgomery: Yes. We’re getting married!

  Deputy Lloyd: So you’ve spoken to her since she arrived in Bald Knob?

  Benjamin Montgomery: Yes, of course. She’s my fiancée and we’ve been planning our wedding. Do you happen to know where the Brooks Brothers is in Bald Knob? I need to get a pair of pants tailored while I’m here.

  Deputy Lloyd: Um, we don’t have a Brooks Brothers.

  Benjamin Montgomery: You don’t have a Brooks Brothers?! What kind of a third-world town is this?

  Deputy Lloyd: Sir, can you tell me how Payton behaved when you spoke to her? Was she angry? Did she say anything about an altercation with someone in town?

  Benjamin Montgomery: She was deliriously happy, obviously, because we’re getting married.

  Deputy Lloyd: Yes, you said that already.

  Benjamin Montgomery: What about sushi? What’s the sushi situation here? I haven’t had a decent tuna roll in two days.

  Deputy Lloyd: We don’t have any sushi restaurants in Bald Knob, we just have The Hungry Bear. They make a great meatloaf on Mondays and you can’t beat the omelets for breakfast.

  Benjamin Montgomery: Do they make kale-and-egg-white omelets?

  Deputy Lloyd: Uh, I don’t think so. What’s kale?

  Benjamin Montgomery: What’s kale? How do you people even survive here?!

  Deputy Lloyd: Mr. Montgomery, can you tell me anything else Payton might have said to you in the last few days about the town or people who live here?

  Benjamin Montgomery: We only discussed our wedding. And she clearly left out the fact that this town is on the verge of falling apart. No Brooks Brothers, no sushi, and no kale? This is what Hell is like, isn’t it?

  CHAPTER 25

  My plan for today? Same as always. Drink coffee and be sexy.

  —Coffee Mug

  “You look fine, stop fussing with your hair,” Bettie scolds, leaning against the wall, watching me check my reflection in the hallway mirror for the tenth time.

  “I look stupid. This is stupid. I’m going to text Leo and tell him I’m sick,” I state, pulling my phone out of the back pocket of my short jean skirt, that I’ve wisely added a lock code to since this morning.

  Bettie lunges for me and snatches the phone out of my hand.

  “If you tell him you’re sick, I’ll tell him it’s with herpes. You are not cancelling,” she warns me.

  “Give me back my phone!” I demand, holding my hand out to her.

  “Promise me you won’t cancel or you’re getting herpes ALL over the place. In every nook and cranny and even in your ears. SAY IT!”

  “Ugggh, FINE! I won’t cancel. But this is still stupid,” I complain when she hands me back my phone.

  “It’s not stupid. I’m an evil genius and my plans always work,” she informs me when Emma Jo comes out into the hall and whistles.

  “Wow, you look hot!”

  I nervously run my hands down the front of the tattered jean skirt that Bettie brought with her and forced me to wear, telling me all of the clothes I packed were too stuffy and not “Bald Knob” enough. She wouldn’t even let me put on heels, grabbing the teal pair of strappy stilettos that perfectly matched my top out of my hands and tossing them across the room, informing me barefoot and casual was the way to a man like Leo’s heart.

  “I hope there isn’t a need for me to bend over at any point tonight or this short scrap of material will ride up and put my lady bits on display,” I mutter, turning around and looking over my shoulder at my ass.

  “I think that’s kind of the point, isn’t it?” Emma Jo questions.

  “You’ll have to forgive Payton, she’s not very experienced when it comes to the art of seduction,” Bettie laughs.

  “Hey, I take pride in the fact that I didn’t lose my virginity until college, and I can count on one hand how many men I’ve slept with,” I reply indignantly.

  “You only need half a hand to add up that list,” Bettie reminds me.

  “I only need one finger,” Emma Jo adds sadly.

  “Jesus, you two need to get out more. You’re so lucky you have me,” Bettie says with a smile.

  Seriously, if there’s a list somewhere of worst ideas in the history of the world, trying to seduce Leo and distract him from the things I haven’t told him and keep him occupied with something other than digging deeper into this case is probably right there at the top of it. I’ve slept with exactly two and a half men. The guy I lost my virginity to in college who lasted five seconds and then rolled over and went to sleep, a guy I drunkenly let go down on me right after college who I then rolled over and went to sleep on, and Benjamin. Who wouldn’t have sex unless both of us showered immediately beforehand and refused to get sweaty during the act, which always had to happen in bed, before eight o’clock when Anderson Cooper came on. Let’s just say hot, wild, spur-of-the-moment sex is something I have zero knowledge of. Not that tonight is spur-of-the-moment since it’s sort of planned and I’ve had entirely too much time to freak out about it, but going by how Leo kisses and talks and touches me, I’m pretty confident in the fact that hot and wild will be included on tonight’s menu.

  If I don’t screw it up, start thinking about goat anus, giggle, or dwell on how much of an awful person I’ll be by doing this. He’s flat out told me he’s had a thing for me for twelve years and that he only went into law enforcement because of me, and now I’m going to use him for sex.

  It’s official. I’m going to hell.

  “Are you sure this top is okay? It’s a little tight,” I complain, tugging up the low-cut neckline of my ocean blue tank top with the Liquid Crack logo right over my boobs. “I didn’t realize when I ordered these to sell at the store that they were so…slutty.”

  Bettie smacks my hands away from fiddling with the tank top, grabs the hem and pulls it down until there’s so much of my cleavage showing that I’ll have a nip-slip if I sneeze.

  “Bend over and pull those puppies up higher,” she instructs, pointing at my chest.

  With a sigh, I do as she says, bending at the waist and sliding my hands into the cups of my bra to pull my boobs out more. When I stand back up and hold my arms out, Bettie studies me for a minute, fluffs up my hair l let air-dry in long beach waves, takes a loop around me, and stops when she’s back in front of me.

  “You’ll do,” she says with a nod.

  “Gee, I feel much better now.”

  Emma Jo comes over and pats me on the back.

  “You look sexy and gorgeous. Leo isn’t going to be able to keep his hands off you, which will make your job much easier. And really, it’s not like it’s an actual job. You like him, right? You think he’s hot, his kisses turn you into a puddle of goo, and he really, really likes you, Payton. This is going to be a good thing. I just know it.”
/>
  I smile at Emma Jo’s encouragement and start to feel a little calmer until there’s a knock at the door. Bettie and Emma Jo grab their overnight bags and Bettie pauses with her hand on the doorknob.

  “By any chance have you checked Facebook lately?” she asks innocently.

  “No, not in about a week, I guess. I’ve been a little busy,” I remind her with a pointed glare.

  “I might have updated your status with a tag in Bald Knob that says Barefoot and pregnant and ridiculously in love in Kentucky,” she informs me.

  “You didn’t!”

  “Good luck tonight! Kisses!” she exclaims without answering, blowing me a kiss as she opens the door, the devious smile on her face immediately falling when she comes face-to-face with Leo on the front porch.

  “Sweet Jesus, I think I just got pregnant,” she mutters as she looks him up and down.

  “I’m sorry, what?” Leo asks, leaning in to try and hear her better.

  “Nothing, they were just leaving,” I speak through clenched teeth, quickly moving forward to open the door wider and gesture with my arm for Emma Jo to leave as Leo moves to the side to give her room.

  With Bettie’s eyes still glued to Leo’s body, she stumbles over the threshold when I shove her out the door right behind Emma Jo, pausing behind him to make hip thrusting motions and throw up a few fist pumps.

  Leo whips his head around when he sees me staring behind him and Bettie quickly stands up straight and gives him a salute.

  “The name’s Bettie Lake. Don’t let the tats fool you. I’m not as sweet and innocent as I look. I’m a raging bitch and I will cut you if you hurt Payton. Too-da-loo!” she says with a wide smile, giving Leo a finger-wave as she grabs Emma Jo’s arm and pulls her across the porch and down the steps.

  “Have fun, kids! No wild parties and lights out by midnight. Mommy and Mommy will be back tomorrow!” Bettie adds with a wave over her shoulder, Emma Jo looking back to give me a smile and a thumb’s up.