Falling for You

by Lisa Schroeder

  “Yeah,” he said softly. His eyes were so blue. Even behind the long bangs, they reached out to me. Color. Bright, beautiful color. “I meant it too.”

  I nodded. “I know. But, Nathan—”

  He didn’t let me finish. Because when we talked, everything got difficult. He pulled me to him and, just like that, we were kissing. Holy sweet and delicious lips, those kisses. Except, this time, it was different. I felt something I’d never felt before.

  Need.

  A desperate, painful need.

  We kissed each other like a person drinks a cold glass of lemonade on a ninety-five-degree day. And I swear, as it rained and we kissed, everything melted away. Everything. Even the darkness.

  Especially the darkness.

  The bell rang again. I pulled back. He reached out and brushed raindrops from my cheek. “So you do miss me.”

  I couldn’t speak. How could I explain everything I’d been feeling that morning? I couldn’t. It would take a lifetime.

  I kissed him again. Our bodies pressed together, closer and closer, and I didn’t want to stop. He moved his mouth to my ear and whispered, “Let’s get out of here.”

  I wanted to say yes.

  I mean, I really wanted to say yes.

  I probably would have said yes if it hadn’t been for Alix coming to find me. I’d texted her before I left the house, something dramatic like, “Today blows and I think I want to die.”

  The rain came down in sheets as she came to my side. She looked at Nathan. “What is it with you and rainstorms?”

  “We were just—”

  “No.” She shook her head. “You don’t have to tell me. I saw, okay? Five more minutes and I would have found you in the back of your car.”

  She faced me. “Rae, are you all right?”

  I was wet and cold and I couldn’t believe what had almost happened. What I had almost let happen. Suddenly, I could barely stand up. Each raindrop that pelted me felt like a knife to my skin. I hurt.

  Everything hurt so much.

  I fell into Alix’s arms.

  “Shhh, I’ve got you. Everything’s going to be okay.” She looked up at Nathan. “You need to go. Stay away from her, please? She doesn’t need you.”

  I started to lift my head up, to tell her he hadn’t done anything wrong, but her strong arm kept my head against her shoulder.

  When she finally let me go, Nathan was gone.

  “We need to get cleaned up,” she said. “Do you want me to take you home?”

  I shook my head no as my teeth began to chatter.

  She was quiet for a minute. “I’m taking you to my house. No one’s there. You can borrow some clothes and tell me what happened. Then we’ll come back. Okay?”

  I was too cold to speak. Too humiliated. What was I doing kissing Nathan, and why had I wanted more? I tried to make sense of it, but that was the problem. It didn’t make any sense. Nothing made sense anymore.

  • • •

  I sat on Alix’s bed with a blanket wrapped around me while she rifled through her closet for some clothes to lend me. I felt better, thanks to my sweet friend.

  “I’m sorry,” I told her. “I don’t know what happened. Something came over me and I just, I couldn’t say no.”

  She turned around and tossed some clothes into my lap. “I know. I get it. Once you’ve had a boyfriend, it can be really hard to go back to not having one.”

  I pulled the white T-shirt over my head and then zipped up the light orange hoodie. I couldn’t tell Alix about the stuff going on at home. About how totally alone I’d felt this morning. “No, that’s not it. I mean, I’m fine on my own. He caught me at a bad time and I didn’t have the strength to tell him to leave me alone. And then, when he started kissing me, it’s like my brain evaporated. Because, Alix, here’s the thing: Nathan may have a lot of issues, but he is one fine kisser.”

  She laughed. “Okay, then. Good to know.”

  “Please don’t hate me. Please? Because I think I hate myself enough for the both of us.”

  She went to the mirror and brushed her pretty brown hair. “Don’t do that. And you know I could never hate you. But I think that’s why sweet girls sometimes stay with guys who are tools. The physical part is great. They love feeling loved. And so they put up with stuff they shouldn’t.”

  I thought of my mom when Alix said that. The way I’d acted today? It was just like my mom. It made me sick to think I could turn out like her.

  “Alix?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I don’t want that to happen again.”

  “Then it won’t. It’s all up to you, and you are one strong girl, Rayanna Lynch. I know that for a fact.”

  I wasn’t so sure, but I clung to her words all the same.

  poetry journal—january

  A HAIKU FOR THE BOY IN THE PARKING LOT

  Don’t get your hopes up.

  I needed someone today.

  Darkness said you’d do.

  a mutual acquaintance

  “YOU DEFINITELY NEED THESE SOCKS,” I TOLD LEO, HOLDING UP a pair of men’s dress socks with flying eagles on them.

  “Need them for what? To remind myself I’m grateful that I’m not seventy years old?”

  “What about these?” I held up a pair of green camouflage socks.

  “Right. That way the mountain lions won’t see my feet and will bite off my head instead.”

  We’d been at the mall for an hour or so and had already filmed some fun gift exchanges for our new video. I’d tried on a lavender lace and silk evening gown by designer Elie Saab. It was stunning. I’d felt like Cinderella, going from rags to riches in the space of a minute.

  After I’d stepped out of the dressing room, Leo had stared at me for a few seconds before he said, “Were you a movie star in a different life?”

  It’d made me blush, the way he’d looked at me. “Don’t you want to record it?” I’d asked. “Before a salesperson comes by and gets upset with us?”

  He’d fumbled around, trying to pull the camera out of the bag. “Yes. Sorry.”

  Once he’d started filming, I’d felt shy, but I did as he asked and spun around slowly, so he could get the dress from all sides. When he’d finished, he said, “I never really understood that saying, ‘You look like a million bucks.’ But I do now.”

  Back in the dressing room, it was hard taking off that dress. It seemed almost . . . magical. Somehow I managed to do it, and when I’d walked out, I told Leo it was his turn.

  For him I’d found a fifty-five-inch 3-D television with a price tag that made us both gasp. And a super-fancy popcorn maker to go with it. Because what’s an awesome entertainment system without snacks to go with it?

  “What exactly are we doing in the men’s underwear department, anyway?” he asked now.

  “It’s not the underwear department. It’s the sock department. Socks are a must-have gift for every Christmas. Don’t you know that?”

  “Maybe for you. I’ve never gotten socks for Christmas in my life,” he said. “Not even from my grandma.”

  My grandma had always given me socks. The soft and fluffy kind in bright colors. I almost started to tell Leo this, but then I saw how his face had changed at the mere thought of his grandma. No more grandma talk.

  “Can we please finish our video?” I said. “I’m starving.”

  We did a couple more spots before we went in search of food. For a Friday night, the mall wasn’t very crowded. January must be the worst month for retailers. Just about every store had a SALE sign in the window or sitting outside the store, trying to lure shoppers inside. But who had any money in January? I sure didn’t, although that was primarily Dean’s fault.

  “What sounds good?” Leo asked as we stood at the edge of the food court, looking around. He reached into his back pocket for his wallet, his camera bag slung over his shoulder. “Not sure we’ll find an old-fashioned Christmas dinner here, unfortunately, but I’m buying, so whatever you want.”

&nbs
p; My stomach rumbled at the words. Lunch had consisted of an apple Alix had given me and a cookie Felicia’s mom had packed her but she didn’t want because of her New Year’s resolution to lose weight.

  “Think I’ll have a big slice of cheese pizza from the Italian place.”

  “Okay. I like their calzone.”

  We’d just gotten in line when my phone buzzed. It was a text from Nathan.

  CAN WE MEET UP? WANT TO SEE YOU.

  Perfect. Just perfect.

  I shut my phone as someone called out, “Rae! Leo!”

  It was Maddie with baby Eli. I waved, and so did Leo.

  “How do you know Maddie?” I asked after she turned back to order.

  “From the coffee shop. She doesn’t come in much since she had the baby. But she and her friends used to come in all the time.” He looked at me. “Do you know her from school?”

  I shook my head. “I delivered flowers to her a while back. We’ve sort of become friends. She’s really nice.”

  “It must be tough, having a kid so young. Is she doing okay?”

  “Yeah. Her boyfriend moved in, and he has a job. I don’t know how she was supporting herself before. Welfare, maybe?”

  “Hopefully her parents are helping her out too.”

  “I don’t think so. She told me they aren’t supportive at all. Which is sad.”

  “I hate mean parents,” he said.

  Wouldn’t he just love mine, then?

  After we got our food, we sat in a corner, eating and talking, having such a good time, we didn’t even notice Maddie walking toward our table.

  She leaned in, surprising both of us, and said, “I just had to tell you guys, you make the cutest couple!”

  “Oh, but we’re . . . ” I turned to Leo for some help, but he looked like he wanted to crawl under the table. “Thanks,” I said quickly. I motioned to Eli, strapped into the baby carrier, smiling. “Not as cute as he is, though.”

  “I’ve gotta run. Almost his bedtime.” She waved. “See you later.”

  I reached into my purse to get my ChapStick. “Sorry,” I said, popping the lid off. “I didn’t want to make her feel bad by telling her we’re just friends.”

  I moved the tube across my lips nervously, wishing he’d hurry up and say something. I tried to read his face, to figure out what he was thinking, but all I could see was some lingering embarrassment as he fiddled with the napkin in front of him.

  “It’s fine,” he said. “And you’re right, that is one cute baby.”

  “Yeah. The cutest.”

  I couldn’t help but wonder if he’d ever thought about us in that way. I had, once or twice. Never for long, because our friendship meant so much to me, but I definitely had.

  He stood up suddenly. “You ready to go?” He tried to be funny. “It’s almost my bedtime too.”

  “Oh, yeah. Sure.”

  We didn’t say a word all the way to the parking lot. It seemed like Leo was bothered by what Maddie had said, and I couldn’t quite figure out why. It didn’t seem like a big deal to me. If it was a big deal to him, what exactly did that mean?

  I could have asked him. But I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to know the answer.

  the unexpected

  “WHAT TIME DO YOU HAVE TO BE AT WORK TOMORROW?” I ASKED, to break the silence as we drove back to Crestfield.

  “Four thirty,” Leo said. “Doors open at five.”

  “That is so early. How do you do it?”

  “I don’t have a choice. Everyone needs me to do more right now, so that’s what I have to do. My dad keeps telling me what a great team we make.”

  “I can’t imagine having a family like yours. You live together and work together, and you still seem to like each other. It must be nice.”

  He let out a little laugh. “Trust me. It’s not all daisies and roses, like where you work. Aaron and I have a code word that means, ‘Stay the hell away from me right now.’ ”

  I laughed. “What’s the word?”

  “Titanic.”

  “As in, you’re going down if you don’t stay away from me?”

  “As in, at this moment I hate you as much as I hate that movie.”

  We laughed as I stopped at a red light, and I thought, This is more like it. We were on the edge of Crestfield now, just a few minutes from his house. I looked at him. “So you don’t always get along. I find that sort of comforting.”

  “If you’re in Full Bloom and you hear coffee mugs breaking against the wall? It’s probably not a good time to stop in for coffee. Or tea, in your case.”

  I wanted to say I knew about fights. I knew about meanness and yelling and throwing things. Part of me wanted to tell him everything—beyond the glimpse from the poem I’d shared with him and our talk that day in the woods. But the fear of rejection gripped me, like it always did when it came to the subject of my family.

  I kept the conversation focused on Leo. “The stress with your grandma in the hospital has got to be hard. On everyone. Can I do anything?”

  The light turned green. “You’ve already done a lot.”

  “Yeah, a 3-D TV is a pretty amazing gift, isn’t it?” I joked.

  “No, really, tonight was exactly what I needed.” I felt his finger gently brush my jawbone. It surprised me. I glanced at him and he smiled back. “Thanks, Rae.”

  I didn’t know what to do, what to say. It was such an intimate gesture. I remembered the way he’d held my hand yesterday, ever so briefly, and the way he’d looked at me earlier tonight as I came out of the dressing room.

  Was that why he’d been so flustered by Maddie’s comment? Did he wish what she’d said was true? I didn’t know what to think. I gripped the steering wheel and drove. When I pulled into the driveway, my palms sweaty and butterflies circling my stomach, I wondered how the night would end. Even more important, I wondered how I wanted the night to end.

  “Do you want to come in for a while?” he asked.

  “Oh, no, that’s okay, you have to get up early. Maybe I’ll see you tomorrow?”

  “Yeah.” He paused. “You know, I really want to—”

  Except he didn’t finish. He must have decided it was better to just go for it and see what happened, because as soon as he stopped talking, he leaned in, took my face in his hands, and kissed me.

  Kissed. Me.

  And I let him, because I couldn’t deny a small part of me was curious. It was over quickly, but I liked it. It was nice—smooth and easy, the way our friendship had always been.

  Still, I wasn’t sure if I could see him in that way. Could he be more than a friend? Did the kiss mean he already was?

  “If you get a chance,” he said, “come see me on your break tomorrow.”

  “I will.” I thought he might say something about the kiss, or the way he’d been feeling. Maybe he hoped I would broach the subject, but I didn’t know what to say.

  He started to get out, and then he stopped. “I didn’t just ruin everything, did I?”

  “No,” I said firmly. “It kind of surprised me, that’s all. I didn’t know—”

  “That I felt that way? Yeah. I do. But if you only want to be friends . . . it’s your call.”

  What did I want? I wasn’t sure. I liked him. I liked being with him. A lot. Leo made me laugh. And I never felt awkward or uncomfortable around him. I trusted him more than I’d ever trusted Nathan, and yet, I was still kind of scared. More than anything, I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. If things ended badly, the way they’d ended with Nathan, I’d lose more than a boyfriend.

  My hesitancy hung there between us. “How about a real date?” he asked. “We can see how it feels. Tomorrow night? Dinner and a movie?”

  “Oh. Um. I don’t know. You really want to?”

  “Yes! I think it’ll be fun, and if it isn’t, just say so. And we’ll go back to friends.”

  “All right. I guess we can try it.” He made it sound so easy, like a switch you turn on and off. Friends. More than friends. Ba
ck to friends. Didn’t he realize it might not be that simple? Still, I could see his point. We wouldn’t really know until we tried.

  “What time should I pick you up? I’ll need your address.”

  Hesitancy started to creep back in. Don’t do this, it whispered. I decided not to listen. “You know, maybe we can just leave from work? I’m working from noon to five. Is that okay?”

  “Sounds good.” He smiled. “See you then.”

  A date. With Leo. Did that really just happen?

  close call

  AS I LINGERED IN THAT SWEET SPACE BETWEEN SLEEP AND AWAKE Saturday morning, I remembered Leo’s hand on mine. His lips on mine. His admission that he had feelings for me.

  Tonight we’d go out on an actual date. The more I thought about it, the more I was happy, although nervous, that I’d agreed to go out with him.

  My door opened. And in an instant I’d gone from dreamy to that oh-so-familiar feeling of dread.

  I opened my eyes. Dean stood at my desk, ready to reach into my purse. I jumped up, like someone had set a match to my comforter, and grabbed my purse from his hands.

  “What are you doing?” I asked.

  “Are you holding out on me?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Have you got any more money?”

  “Are you serious? You left thirty-two cents in my savings account!”

  “It’s not enough!” He slammed his fist on my desk. “Damn it, I need more. You sure you don’t got anything else?” He eyed the purse tucked under my arm. I gripped it like a drowning victim would a life preserver.

  If he opened my wallet, Dean would find the money Nina had given me for my time off at the holidays. I’d told Dean she’d made me take an unpaid vacation, since it had been slow at the shop.

  I weighed my limited options and chose the riskiest one. “Fine,” I said, holding the purse out in front of me. “You obviously aren’t going to believe me until you see for yourself. But, Dean, you can’t just barge in here and get into my stuff. It’s not right!”