My Cousin is a Time Traveller

by David Solomons

  Finally we could get down to business. Dina reached into a pocket and took out a crumpled flyer. It was curling at the edges and the colours of the photo that took up most of the page were faded. She spread it flat on the table. The paper was old and brittle, like the sort of fragment you’d find behind a glass cabinet in a museum. “During a recent raid on Servatron’s command base, the future resistance discovered this historical document.”

  “A flyer for a Billy Dark concert?” said Zack.

  “The Dark into Light Tour,” said Lara, reading the phrase printed across the top.

  “Look at the date,” said Serge. “It is taking place this very weekend.”

  “Exactly,” said Dina. “And it is vital to the future of the human race that you, Zack, are in the audience.”

  “But I don’t like his music,” said Zack.

  “That’s not really the point,” said Dina.

  Zack folded his arms. “So what happens at this concert that’s so world-shatteringly important?”

  My brother could be so embarrassing. “Obviously she can’t tell you that. If you learn more than you’re supposed to know about the future then that risks changing the very outcome you’re trying to effect. C’mon, that’s basic cosmic timeline stuff.” I turned to Dina. “Am I right?”

  “Uh, no.”

  “Oh.”

  “Zack, you must be at the concert. With her.” Dina turned her gaze across the café.

  We all followed it to see Cara kneeling down to scrape up a slice of fruitcake she’d dropped on the floor. She blew on it to remove some grot, slapped it back on the plate and shoved it in front of the unfortunate customer who’d ordered it in the first place.

  Dina leaned in and we huddled around her. “One day in the future you and Cara will be … together.”

  Zack sat bolt upright, as if he’d been shot – possibly with one of Cupid’s arrows.

  “And years from now you will have a child together,” she continued. “A son.”

  I watched my brother’s eyes widen and a red flush creep up his neck. He was making a strange keening sound and gradually tipping over from shock, like a slow-motion film of one of those condemned tower blocks that’s been detonated using high explosives.

  “In time he will lead the resistance against the machines, ultimately achieving a great victory. But the path to that end is a delicate one. And it can only come to pass if you and Cara attend the Billy Dark concert together this weekend.”

  It was not so much a stunned silence that fell across the café table, as a silence that had been flattened by a fleet of steamrollers driven by a herd of elephants.

  So many thoughts whirled in my head. I was worried about my life changing when Zack went away to a new school for a year, but this was change on a whole other level. Zack and Cara. Together in the future. My brother, with a son of his own. I felt Serge pump my shoulder and turned to see his beaming face.

  “You will be an uncle!” he said delightedly.

  Oh good grief. My nephew is a resistance leader from the future. It was too much to take in. For me, anyway. Serge’s enthusiasm, however, was unstoppable.

  “What are you going to name him? May I propose a shortlist.” He counted on his fingers. “Kirk, Flash, Kylo—”

  “Serge!” said Lara, cutting him off. She softened. “Now is possibly not the best moment.”

  Cara returned with our drinks. Zack gawped up at her, even more speechless than usual.

  “Six hot chocolates, with squirty cream and mini marshmallows.” She banged the mugs down in front of us, sloshing chocolate over the rims.

  “What are you all goggling at?” She touched her face. “Have I still got polenta on my cheek?”

  Lara passed out the drinks. There was one left over. “Uh, we only ordered five.”

  “You still have to pay for six or it comes out of my wages,” snapped Cara. “Which it most definitely is not.” She noticed the flyer on the table, and before Dina could stop her she had snatched it up. Cara was a massive Billy Dark fan.

  “What’s this doing here?” she demanded, looking at Dina. “Are you going to the concert?”

  “Not me,” said Dina. “But he is.” She nudged Zack with an elbow, which made him sit up straight again.

  Cara flashed Zack a curious look. “I didn’t know you were a fan.”

  He wasn’t. In fact, he had told me on more than one occasion that he hated Billy Dark.

  “Uh…” he stammered. “I like his early stuff.”

  Cara sniffed. “Yeah, it has a quality that’s both melodic and deeply meaningful.”

  Dina faked a sneeze, using it to mask the instruction, “Ask her!”

  Zack swallowed and turned again to Cara. “W … would you…” Sweat stains were already appearing on his shirt. Cara had noticed them too. “Wh-what I’m trying to—”

  “I’m going to the concert,” she said flatly.

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah, why d’you think I’m slaving away in this dump? I need the money to pay my mum back for the ticket.”

  “Right,” said Zack, deflated. “See you there?” he added hopefully.

  “Unlikely,” she said. “The venue holds twenty thousand people.”

  This wasn’t going well. There was a smash and tinkle from across the room. At another table filled with schoolkids one of them had dropped a mug of hot chocolate, which had splintered into shards stuck with gooey marshmallows.

  “I suppose you expect me to deal with that?” Cara complained. Grumbling, she wandered off in search of a mop.

  Dina rose to follow. “I have to tell her. She must know what’s at stake.”

  “Stop,” Zack snapped. “No one’s telling Cara.”

  “Didn’t you hear what I said?”

  “Every word.” Zack fixed her with a firm expression. “Cara can never know how important it is to the future of the human race that we eventually become a couple. No relationship could take that pressure.”

  I had no idea what that meant. My best guess was that if Cara knew then her head would explode.

  “And another thing. If Cara agrees to go out with me I don’t want to think she did it because of the fate of all humankind.” He paused. “I want it to be because of me.”

  Dina started to object, but then caught the look in Zack’s eye and reluctantly nodded her agreement.

  “She’s coming over to my house tomorrow night,” he said. “I tutor her in physics. I can try again then.”

  “We must be prepared,” said Dina. “Servatron will do everything it can to stop you getting to that concert with Cara.”

  “It’s not the only one,” Lara added. “Remember I said I bumped into Cara sneaking out the other night? Well, she was going to meet her boyfriend, Matthias.”

  “Matthias the Viking?” said Zack. “But they split up.”

  He was right. It had happened after aliens replaced Cara with an identical robot version of her. However, it seemed even that couldn’t keep them apart.

  “They’re back together,” said Lara.

  Matthias looked like Thor’s more handsome younger brother. Everything about him was smooth, except for his manly stubble. There was no way she’d go to the concert with Zack now.

  “You’ll just have to use all your powers,” said Dina.

  “But I gave them away,” moaned Zack.

  “Not superpowers. I mean your charm and natural appeal.”

  I snorted hot chocolate out of my nose. Zack scowled at me.

  It appeared that the future of humankind depended on my brother successfully asking Cara Lee out on a date.

  Humankind was in big trouble.

  “Are you coming?” Mum called upstairs. She stood in the hallway, waiting impatiently for Dad who, judging by the drone of the hairdryer, was still getting ready. They were meeting friends for dinner, leaving Zack in charge for the night.

  Mum poked her head into the sitting room, where I was selecting tonight’s entertainment while Serge peru
sed the takeaway pizza menu with the deliberation of a connoisseur, which is French for someone who really likes pizza. I flicked through the online catalogue of films, although it was a ruse. We had no intention of watching anything.

  Mum wagged a finger. “Remember. Nothing rated higher than PG.”

  I waved the remote control at the screen. “I’m thinking this one. It’s an animated musical featuring a lot of woodland animals singing about the importance of being yourself.”

  She pulled a face then checked her watch and huffed, “We’re going to be late.”

  Zack wandered into the room. Cara was due any minute for her tutoring session, and for the last half hour he had been hovering at the front door, scanning the drive for her arrival.

  “Mum, y’know how I won this prestigious full scholarship and as a result am saving you a fortune in fees and living expenses?”

  “We’re not buying you a car.”

  “I don’t want a car. I mean, I do when I’m old enough, but that’s not what—” He drew breath. “I’d like a ticket to the Billy Dark concert.”

  “But you don’t even like Billy Dark,” said Mum.

  She was confused. If I was a betting eleven-year-old, which I’m not – it’s illegal – then I would have said that Zack’s chances of nabbing a ticket were zilch. I blamed Dina for this hitch in the plan. Back in the Fortress of Snackitude she’d explained why she hadn’t returned from the future with tickets.

  “Where was I going to find one to a concert that took place fifty years in the past?”

  That was hardly the point. “But if it’s so crucial to the future existence of the human race, you could’ve made more of an effort.”

  “Alors,” Serge had said. “I have an idea. Why do you not simply go back in time to when the tickets first went on sale and buy one then?” He’d beamed round at the rest of us, pleased with his suggestion.

  Dina had shaken her head. “My time-travel power is limited. It takes a lot out of me physically and mentally, which means I can only make one big jump every three or four days. And even if I could go back, you need a credit card to order tickets. And banks don’t give out credit cards to fourteen-year-olds.”

  She really hadn’t thought this through. “Yes, but with sufficient preparation you could’ve first gone forward in time to when you were like thirty years old or something, borrowed a credit card from yourself, then gone back in time and ordered the tickets, so we could collect them at the box office on Saturday.”

  “Ah, but what about the start date on the card?” Serge had chipped in. “It would be many years in the future and so—”

  “Enough!” Lara had thrown up her hands and come to her new friend’s defence. “Dina didn’t do that. She can’t now. So we’ll just have to get hold of a ticket some other way.”

  “It’s easy,” Dina had said. “You’re Zack Parker. Award-winning star pupil, holder of the Best Attendance record five years running. All you have to do is ask your mum and dad. Tell them it’s to celebrate your scholarship.”

  My cousin’s words came back to me as Zack pursued Mum round the sitting room.

  “Isn’t the concert this weekend?” Mum asked. “Surely it’s sold out by now.”

  “I checked,” said Zack smartly. “There are still a few tickets left.”

  I searched Mum’s face for a sign that she was weakening. Years of studying her in moments such as these had taught me that a two-millimetre raising of the eyebrows and the wisp of a sigh meant she was about to give in.

  And there it was!

  “All right, all right.” A grudging smile spread across her face. “I suppose you’ve earned it.”

  Zack could barely believe what he was hearing. “So I can go?”

  She nodded. “But not alone. I’m coming with you.”

  “Mu-um!”

  “I’m not letting my fourteen-year-old son go to a stadium pop concert on his own. I’ll walk four paces behind you and if anyone asks I’ll say I’m with the band. Any objections and we’re wearing matching T-shirts.”

  From her tone of voice Zack could tell there was no point in arguing.

  “I haven’t got time now,” she said. “If your father ever finishes styling his hair, we’re going out, but I’ll buy the tickets when I’m back tonight.”

  “Thanks, Mum, you’re the best.” He hugged her, giving me a thumbs-up behind her back.

  From the stairs came the patter of jaunty footsteps and then Dad appeared in the doorway in a cloud of aftershave, his hair shinier and springier than a highly polished bouncy castle.

  “Come on, we’re going to be late,” he said, gesturing to his watch. “And, you lot, no wild party while we’re out.”

  As they left the house the automated door announced, “Front door closing.” I waited until I heard the whine of their car engine fading along the road before launching into action. I marched into the kitchen to the back door. Dina was waiting outside. She was staying undercover in the tree house until the mission was complete. I had lent her my spare sleeping bag, the one with an illustration of Sandman and the Dream Dimension.

  “Operation Lights Out is good to go,” I announced.

  Between now and the concert we had to keep Zack and Cara out of Servatron’s clutches. Tonight that meant securing the house against invasion by the AI. Dina had said it was powerful enough to tap into every camera in a thousand-kilometre radius, effectively turning every tablet and smartphone into a spy camera. Once it located Zack and Cara it would use the devices around them as weapons, just as it had in the food and nutrition classroom earlier that day.

  Dina and I returned to find Zack rummaging in the hall cupboard where the fuse box was located.

  “This would’ve been a lot less hassle if you were still Star Lad,” I complained. “One snap of your fingers and boom – Force Field!”

  He ignored me. “Going dark,” he called, and all the lights went out.

  Dina nodded her approval. “With the power off, even if it finds us Servatron has no way of getting in now.”

  We gathered in the sitting room, having scavenged every candle in the house. (Torches were out too, since Servatron could hop into a battery.) Zack carried a lit silver candelabra that Mum and Dad put out for Christmas and power cuts. I had dug up a novelty birthday candle from my tenth birthday, while Serge had found one of mum’s scented candles, which he was cooing over.

  “Pomegranate, spiked with notes of pepper,” he said, inhaling deeply. “A marvel of the aromatic chandler’s art.”

  Zack had also got his hands on a bag of tea lights, which he now arranged around the room, lighting them as he went. Soon the sitting room was bathed in a flickering glow.

  He stood back to admire the effect. “There, perfect.” Zack began shepherding us towards the door. “Right, you lot, out. Cara’s going to be here any minute and you’re spoiling the ambience.”

  We headed upstairs to my room, passing through the hallway just as Cara arrived. Zack bounced on tiptoe as he opened the door to her.

  “I bid you good evening,” he purred, bowing deeply as he did so.

  Thankfully for him, she didn’t notice his weirdness. Her attention was otherwise engaged by her phone, which she was tapping away on, her face uplit by the glowing screen.

  “Zack,” I hissed, pointing at the offending device. Cara’s phone was a possible way for Servatron to enter the house.

  “Uh, would you mind switching that off?” he enquired.

  Cara slowly raised her head, an expression of utter bewilderment clouding her face. “Sorry, I think I must’ve misheard.”

  “He wants you to switch off your phone,” I said loudly.

  “Why?” said Cara, as if she’d been sentenced to death for stealing a loaf of bread.

  “Well, we don’t want to be distracted while we study,” Zack said, gently but firmly prising it out of her fingers and leading her into the candlelit sitting room. The door clicked shut behind them.

  Serge and Dina tr
otted upstairs, but I paused in the hallway at the open front door. Something moved in the darkness outside. A moment later Lara appeared on the doorstep, clutching a holdall. It was the one she usually carried her Dark Flutter costume around in. As the last fully functioning superhero in S.C.A.R.F. she had taken responsibility for watching over her sister.

  “All clear?” I asked.

  “No sign of Servatron at our house,” she replied. “I thought there might’ve been an attack earlier, but it was just Cara practising her electric guitar. How about you?”

  “All quiet for now,” I said. “The power is off.”

  “I have something that will help,” she said, unzipping the holdall. “I can use my animal powers to set up an early warning system. Did you know that tigers avoid radiation emitted by mobile-phone towers?”

  I took a wary step back. “What exactly have you got in there?”

  She pulled apart the sides and from the depths of the bag came a noise like a revving motorbike. Warily, I held my candle towards the open bag. Out of it shot a swarm of bees. With a yell, I dived behind the door for cover. Their buzzing filled the hallway and I peeked out to see them flying into formation at Lara’s side.

  “Bees are highly sensitive to disturbances on the electromagnetic spectrum,” she explained. “If Servatron does attempt to get in it will generate a spike in electrical activity, which the bees will immediately alert us to.”

  “So long as the alert doesn’t take the form of a sting,” I muttered.

  The bees arranged themselves in what I could have sworn was a question mark, as if they were asking her for instructions.

  Lara began to buzz at them. At her command the bees flew off, heading out of the hallway to take up surveillance positions around the house. Satisfied that we were now secure, Lara and I joined Dina and Serge, who were already in my bedroom putting candles around the place. The illumination from them, along with light from the streetlamp outside my window, meant we wouldn’t have to sit in total darkness. We settled in for the evening.

  “No TV, no Internet.” I shook my head in disgust. “What are we supposed to do now?”

  “We could recreate all the major Star Wars battles with your action figures,” Serge suggested. “And for the Battle of Kashyyyk, your cuddly toy animals could stand in for the Wookie army.”