No Shame: The Complete Series: Including exclusive bonus materials and deleted scenes

by Phoenix, Nora

  By the time the doorbell rang, Josh was a nervous wreck. “Hi,” he said stupidly as he opened the door.

  Connor smiled. “Hi.”

  “Come in.”

  Connor wore cargo pants again, navy blue ones this time, with a white long-sleeve shirt. Josh liked him most in his police uniform when his whole demeanor broadcasted masculinity and authority. He liked Connor all male dominant.

  Connor followed him into the living room. “Lemonade?” Josh asked.

  “Please.”

  He fixed them both a glass, then made his way back. They sat down across from each other, staring. Shit, this was awkward as fuck.

  “I don’t have experience with this either,” Josh confessed. “So I don’t know how we do this.”

  Connor relaxed at his words, his shoulders coming down and his face softening. “You said you needed to know things from me. Maybe you could start by sharing what you think I should know about you?”

  Josh smiled. Smart move, letting him share first. That way, Connor got to keep up his defenses a little longer, could decide whether he was willing to lay himself bare. Considering how fucked up Josh was, he couldn’t blame Connor for being careful. He had a right to know what he was getting into. He couldn’t know how much he was asking from Josh, though. Josh had thought about it all day, ever since leaving the station. If he wanted this to happen, to even have a chance in hell of succeeding, he needed to be brutally honest. No matter what it cost him, Connor should know, if only to prevent them from getting their wires crossed.

  He took a fortifying breath. “First, as you know, I have PTSD, and since you’re a Marine, I assume you’re familiar with it.”

  Connor nodded.

  “My two known triggers are violence and being startled.”

  “Okay, that’s good to know.”

  “I also have a sexual trauma.”

  Connor’s face tightened, his nostrils flaring. He was angry, not disgusted, Josh noted, and let out the breath he’d been holding.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” Connor offered.

  Josh shook his head, appreciating the offer it more than he could express. “I can’t. I wanted you to know, because I may give off mixed signals with sex, but I’m asking you to not take me up on anything you may interpret as an offer until I come out and say so.”

  “All right. You can trust me, Josh.”

  Josh stared at him for a long time before making up his mind. “I hope so. I haven’t been with anyone since, except for Noah. And Indy.”

  He added Indy’s name as an afterthought, not even realizing what he gave away. Connor’s eyebrows raised all the way. Damn, he’d forgotten for a second Connor thought Indy was a woman.

  Josh blushed fiercely. “It’s not like that with Indy,” he said, sounding defensive. “Once I trust you, I’ll explain.”

  He needed to clarify more to Connor anyway, about his relationship with Noah for instance, but that could wait. That was on a need to know, and right now, the cop didn’t need to know. Yet.

  “It’s okay, Josh. I don’t understand, but I don’t judge either. I appreciate you being honest with me.”

  “Your turn,” Josh said, leaning back in his chair.

  Connor swallowed. “What do you wanna know?”

  “You. But let’s start with the most obvious: why aren’t you out and fucking everyone who offers himself to you? Because seriously, if you came out, there would be a line out the door.”

  Josh wasn’t exaggerating. It was the question that had been on his mind since that morning. What was holding Connor back from coming out? And more importantly, why would he have no experience with relationships when he looked like that? He’d have no trouble finding someone, multiple someones, if even for one-night stands.

  Connor was quiet for a long time, his eyes cast downward and avoiding Josh. What was he about to say that had him so hesitant?

  Finally, the guy decided to talk. “I’ve jacked off with guys in my unit a couple of times—all hush, hush and all of us denying up and down we were gay. After I got back, I went to a gay bar a few times where I tried to hook up. I didn’t like it, so I stopped going. That enough detail for you?”

  “Those were the broad strokes, but we’ll get to the details. Let’s start with why you didn’t like the hookups.”

  Connor was sweating. Actually sweating. Pearls of moisture beaded on his forehead, and he wiped them off with his hand. Josh had gotten used to talking about sex, to having sex, to watching it even. Damn, he’d witnessed Noah and Indy a week ago when they seemed to have forgotten he was in the room and had made love. He’d been turned on as fuck, but it hadn’t weirded him out or made him even embarrassed in the slightest. Obviously, that was not the case with Connor. What made him so nervous about this?

  “First, I guess I’m old-fashioned in the sense that I want to at least know somebody before I have sex. Since I’m not out, it’s a big trust issue for me.”

  “I can respect that,” Josh commented. “But there’s more.”

  Connor looked down at the floor again, cracked his knuckles. “I don’t like bottoming. Physically, it’s okay, but I don’t like being dominated by someone else.”

  Interesting choice of words, dominating. Did that mean he wanted to be the dominating one? You’re reading too much into this, Josh scolded himself.

  “So, you’re a top. Big deal. All you have to do is find a bottom.”

  “Yeah, in theory.”

  There was something in Connor’s voice that alerted Josh he still didn’t have the full picture. Why would Connor have an issue finding someone to bottom for him? Even if he had little to no experience, there had to be a line of guys willing to show him the ropes. Damn, the guy was sexy as fuck. Any twink would bend over and tell him to have at it. Including Josh and he wasn't even a twink.

  “So you’ve never fucked a guy,” he concluded, frowning. “Did your hookups at least suck you or jack you off?”

  “Oh, they gave me a hand job.”

  Dammit, he was still missing something. “Why? Most gay men love sucking cock, me included by the way.” He blushed when he said it but ignored his embarrassment. Connor was laying himself bare, so this wasn’t the time to get prudish. “I have a hard time believing nobody would want to bottom for you.”

  Connor’s jaw clenched, and his head was shaking so subtly, Josh almost missed it. “Come on, out with it,” Josh said. “What was the problem?”

  Suddenly, Connor got up, unbuttoned his pants and dragged them and his boxers down in one harsh move. The erect cock that sprung free was fucking huge and bulging. It had a perfect upward curve, with thick veins pulsating on both sides. The cop’s balls were equally big, and Josh's mouth watered, his cock straining against his underwear. He almost whimpered with pleasure. Oh, holy fuck, it would hurt so good to take that impossibly fat cock up his ass.

  “Apparently,” Connor said, his voice thick with emotion, “Nobody wants this in their mouth. And the two times I tried to fuck someone else, I couldn’t even get it in half way before they called it off.” Before Josh could say anything, Connor stuffed that gorgeous dick back in his pants with angry moves, yanking his shirt back down. “Forget it. This isn’t working.”

  He was halfway to the door when Josh sprung up, hurried past him and stopped in front of Connor. Dammit, he was not letting Connor storm out a second time, and luckily, this time his brain cooperated. “Where the fuck do you think you’re going?”

  Josh was taller than Connor, but his lean body would have been no match for the guy had he decided to push his way through. Their faces were inches away from each other until Connor stepped back, casting his eyes downward, his shoulders sagging.

  “Home. Come on, Josh, admit it. This is never gonna work.”

  The defeat in his posture and voice cut deep into Josh. There was something inherently wrong about seeing this proud man so down and rejected.

  “If you think nobody wants you because your cock is too big, you h
aven’t met the right men yet.” Josh's words were harsh, but his tone was warm.

  Connor grimaced. “Oh, you mean like the guy who offered me a grand if I was willing to shoot a porn video with him? Yeah, I’ve met men who liked my cock. Just not for the right reasons.”

  “Oh, fuck off. You’re not even out. You’ve barely tried.”

  Connor’s head shot up, fire blazing from his eyes. Josh preferred that ten times over him being all fatalistic. “I’m here, aren’t I, trying? But you’re as turned off by the idea as all the others.”

  Without thinking, Josh shoved him back with both hands, surprised he even managed it. “Ask me.”

  Connor’s eyes flashed, but he didn’t touch Josh, which earned him major points in Josh's book. “Ask you what?”

  “Ask me if I’m turned off before assuming I am.”

  Connor let out a dismissive, bitter laugh. “Sure, because I love being humiliated some more. No thanks.”

  Josh grabbed Connor’s hand and put it on his rock-hard dick. “Ask me.”

  The cop’s eyes grew big. His face was a palette of emotions as he stared down at his hand covering Josh's groin. He swallowed. “Does it turn you off?” The words were barely audible.

  “No, you fucking idiot, it makes me so hard I’m about to come in my pants.” Josh pushed back against Connor’s hand, grinding his erection against him. “Your cock is the most beautiful, impressive, mouth-watering, and fucking masculine dick I’ve ever seen.”

  Connor licked his lips, an undoubtedly unconscious gesture that shot straight to Josh's balls. “Can I kiss you?”

  “No.” Josh's answer was swift and definitive. “I like you, but I don’t trust you, yet. But I might if we keep talking.”

  The cop’s face, which had fallen at Josh's rejection, lit up. “What do you want to know?”

  * * *

  Connor couldn’t believe he’d dropped his pants like that. Fuck, it could have gone horribly wrong considering Josh's earlier confession of sexual trauma. What the hell had he been thinking?

  He hadn’t been. Thinking, that was. Not at all. Josh had kept asking questions until Connor had felt against a wall. It was an uncomfortable dichotomy, because on one hand, he wanted nothing more than to protect Josh, be the strong man for him. On the other hand, he wanted to be honest and vulnerable with him, needed him to know he was fucked up, too. Maybe more than he had realized, even.

  When Josh had confessed his sexual trauma, Connor had realized they’d never work together. How could they when his damn cock was bound to hurt people? There was no way Josh would ever let him fuck him, not after what he’d been through.

  Josh had been so fucking hard, though, undeniably aroused. Why would anyone want that monstrosity? Connor couldn’t wrap his mind around it.

  “What do you need to trust me?” he asked Josh once they were back in the parlor.

  “Complete honesty. If you want me to trust you, you’ll need to be willing to do a full disclosure. I promise I won’t betray your trust, not even if things between us don’t work out, but I need your honesty.”

  Connor leaned back on the sofa. Could he do this? Was he willing to give this man he barely knew the one thing he had never granted anyone? He’d never opened himself up, not to his family, not to his brothers in arms, not even to Lucas. Lucas had known more than anyone else, but even with him, Connor hadn’t shared all. And instead of easing in, this guy was asking him to jump into the deep end from the start. Did he have any idea what he was asking?

  “I suck at letting people in,” he said.

  Josh's face softened. “Tell me one thing you’ve told no one, and we’ll take it from there.”

  Connor took a deep breath. He had to try. If he ever wanted to find someone to share his life with, he had to take this step. “I was taken prisoner by the Taliban. My best friend Lucas and I were held for five weeks until a SEAL team rescued me.”

  Josh's eyes hardened. “They tortured you.”

  “Yes.”

  “Lucas, he didn’t make it? You said you were rescued, not the both of you.”

  Had he done it on purpose, to test if Josh was listening? Connor wasn’t sure. But Josh had listened all right and had read between the lines. “No, he didn’t.”

  Even if he could’ve talked about it, he wouldn’t have, to spare Josh. His story was no bedtime story, especially not for a guy who had violence as a trigger.

  Connor didn’t know if it was something he’d said or how he had looked, but Josh got up from his chair and sat down at his feet, rubbing his head against Connor’s hand like a kitten. Connor automatically put his hand on Josh's hair and stroked it. His hair was silken, the dark locks soft and comforting. It was a calming sensation to let the strands slide through his fingers.

  “I am so sorry, Connor.” Josh’s voice was soft, his eyes closed as he leaned even farther into Connor’s hand. Funny how a phrase that could have so easily been a cliché meant so much coming from Josh.

  “Your hair feels nice,” Connor said without thinking.

  “Did you know it helps to touch something soft when you talk about a painful memory? It helps take some of the sharpness away.”

  He'd done it on purpose. Josh had known how hard this was for Connor and had offered him support in the best way he knew. That couldn’t have been easy for him, what with his trust issues and sexual trauma. If Connor needed any more evidence of how sweet Josh was, it was right there.

  “I didn’t know. Thank you.” On impulse, Connor bowed toward Josh, pressed a soft kiss on his head.

  “What did you have in mind for our date?” Josh asked.

  “I hadn’t quite gotten that far. Wasn’t sure you’d say yes in the first place.”

  “Connor, I …” Josh pulled his knees up, hugging them tightly with his toned arms. He looked at the ground as he spoke. “I don’t go out much, aside from shopping and therapy and running. People scare me easily, and I’m always afraid of having an episode. So I stay home, most of the time.”

  “It must’ve been hard for you to come to the station,” Connor realized.

  “Yes,” Josh whispered. “But I didn’t have your number, so I had to.”

  If Josh thought this would make him boring, Connor needed to set the record straight. “Josh, it’s okay. I have a job where I’m out a lot of the times, and I have more excitement than I care for. When I get home, I’m more than happy to stay inside.”

  Josh raised his head, met Connor’s eyes with a sweet smile playing on his lips. “You could come here, and I could cook for you, if you want.”

  “You cook?”

  Josh nodded, almost eagerly. “It’s a hobby.”

  “Good heavens, you’re perfect,” Connor said, then watched with amazement as another sweet blush crept up Josh's cheeks. God, he was adorable. “That sounds like a perfect plan.”

  “What do you like to eat?”

  “Anything and everything, as long as I don’t have to cook. Household chores are not my forte, to be honest.”

  Josh flashed another sweet smile. “I don’t mind doing them at all. Noah hates them, too, so I do everything.”

  Now that, Connor could believe. Noah didn’t seem like the type who enjoyed doing the dishes. Not that Connor judged, because he hated them too. But it was interesting that Indy didn’t have a knack for household stuff either. Or a willingness.

  Josh jumped up. “Fuck, you need to leave.”

  Connor raised his eyebrows. Where was this coming from all of a sudden?

  “Noah and Indy will be home any second, and you can’t be here.”

  Connor got up as well, his mood darkening. “What’s the problem? Did you lie about you and Noah? Why can’t he see me?”

  Josh stilled, then turned around to face him. “It’s not that. I’ll explain it to you next time, I promise. I’ll cook for you, and we’ll talk, okay?”

  Everything in Connor screamed he shouldn’t let this go, that something fishy was going on. Josh was hiding so
mething from him, despite his talk about brutal honesty. Still, what choice did he have? Connor didn’t want to risk running Josh off, not after they had connected so well.

  He put his hand on Josh's cheek, raising his chin with slight pressure so their eyes would meet. “I’ll text you later when I get home, okay? Don’t wait too long texting me back, or I’ll conclude you’ve changed your mind.”

  Josh's reply was quick and certain. “Yes, Connor.”

  And damn if that answer didn’t make Connor’s insides go all dominant as fuck. Nothing could’ve satisfied him deeper.

  Maybe it would be enough, he mused on the car ride home, being with Josh, even if he could never fuck him. An image flashed through his head. Josh, taking his cock in his mouth, in that firm, toned ass. Connor groaned, repositioning his swollen shaft. He was a fucking idiot, setting himself up for disaster. Fuck, he was gonna get hurt. And so was Josh—and not in a good way.

  3

  Connor wiped his somewhat sweaty hands off on his dark blue slacks before he rang the bell. A quick check showed his crisp white shirt was all straightened and neat. You’d think a Marine who had been to hell and back would be cool about a simple date, but his nerves were killing him.

  It had been a long week, waiting for the date to happen, meanwhile texting back and forth with Josh. He’d alternatively cursed himself and been excited, even though he knew it would never work. Not with his monster cock. Not with Josh's traumatized past. Not with him being all bossy and controlling and Josh so sweet and lovable. Fuck knew why he wanted to try anyway. Glutton for punishment, apparently.

  Josh opened the door, and Connor let out an involuntary sigh at the sight of him. Dressed in a baby blue button-down and dark blue dungies that hugged his long legs, he made Connor’s stomach do a little somersault.