No Shame: The Complete Series: Including exclusive bonus materials and deleted scenes

by Phoenix, Nora

  When he became a cop, he’d done the same. Until he’d run into Mack ten minutes ago and had claimed Josh as his boyfriend. Even then, he’d done it more to show Josh he was making good on his promise to be open about it than because he wanted to come out as gay. To him it had always felt like an either/or situation: either you pretended to be straight, or you came out as gay. Maybe there was a third way: doing what you wanted, not explaining anything and not giving a damn about what people might think or say. It seemed to work for Noah and Josh.

  They sat there for maybe fifteen minutes in complete silence, Connor rubbing Josh's back, when an older guy in scrubs stepped in. “Josh, how are you holding up?” He extended his hand to Connor, completely ignoring the awkwardness of finding his employee’s boyfriend in the arms of another man. “Owens, the ER attending, and Noah’s boss. You look familiar.”

  “O’Connor. I’m with the Albany PD, so I’ve been in a few times. How is he?”

  Owens pulled up a chair. “Not well. He was in and out of consciousness but not alert. We’ve put him in a medically induced coma, for now, to give his body rest. His fever is high, and we’re worried about the infection spreading further and resulting in multi-organ failure. He’s on high-dose antibiotics right now. If we don’t see an improvement in the next couple of hours, we need a plan B. Josh, Noah’s health care proxy lists you as his agent for medical decisions, so you need to let us know what you want us to do.”

  Josh turned his head toward Owens, but he never left his spot on Connor’s lap. It gave Connor a strange satisfaction he mattered enough for Josh to do that, to not care what people would say or think. “What are the options?”

  “I fear we may need to amputate more of his leg. The stump is badly infected, and it’s spreading. The previous amputation was at his knee, but the orthopedic surgeon thinks we’ll need to go mid-thigh, and I agree with him. That may be our best shot.”

  “Does waiting longer increase the risk?” Josh wanted to know.

  “Unfortunately, yes. If amputation is a feasible option for you, sooner would be better. But I can have the orthopedic attending explain this to you since he would be the one doing the surgery.”

  “No need. Do the amputation.”

  Owens’ eyes widened at Josh's fast answer. “Are you sure that’s what Noah would want?”

  “Listen, doc, the choice is simple. He can live without his entire leg. He cannot live without his organs. The stump has bothered him ever since the amputation in the CSH. He’s been in constant pain, and even with the prosthesis, it was always a struggle. He said more than once it never fully healed. Maybe a higher amputation will give him more mobility instead of less.”

  “I agree with you when it comes to the risks. However, an amputation now is far from ideal. Cutting when there’s already an infection is high risk, as the surgery itself could spread it. I would be remiss if I didn’t make you aware of that risk.”

  “I appreciate that, but my decision stands. And, doc, you know Noah has a living will. He’s an organ donor and doesn’t want extraordinary measures if it would mean a permanent vegetative state.”

  Owens’ eyes filled with compassion. “Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. I’ll send Judy in with some papers for you to sign, but for now, I’ve got my marching orders. Hang in there, Josh. It’s gonna be a long day.”

  Connor didn’t know what to say to Josh. What was there to say at this point? Even if they weren’t together in the conventional sense, Josh and Noah were closer than many lovers, spouses even. If Noah didn’t survive this… Connor didn’t even want to think about what that would do to Josh.

  And Indy. He should be here, should be involved in these decisions. It was understandable his name wasn’t on any official papers, what with their relationship being new and Indy living under a fake name, but he should have a say in this.

  Josh was still on his lap, his face hidden against Connor’s chest, his body tense. How could Connor provide him with what he needed to get through this? There was so little he could say or do to make it even remotely better.

  Josh mumbled something Connor didn’t hear. He kissed the top of his head. “Sorry, baby, what was that?”

  “I need you to fuck me.”

  * * *

  Noah is dying.

  It was all Josh could think of, again and again and again. Noah was dying. His best friend was dying. The thought was so big, that it threatened to take over, hold him captive. Josh clenched his fists, struggling to stay grounded and not let himself sink into the maelstrom of emotions.

  “I don’t understand,” Connor said.

  “Make me stop thinking. I’m going mad, Connor. Help me.”

  So he was a sick bastard for wanting to get fucked while his best friend was dying. Whatever, he didn’t give a shit. It was either that or surrendering to the madness threatening to take him. Pain and pleasure, both would help him stay grounded. Yet he didn’t dare to look at Connor, fearing the rejection and judgment in his eyes.

  “Not here,” Connor growled.

  Josh leaned back, found Connor’s eyes. He saw understanding, love. Relief flooded him, made him tingle. “You’ll do it?”

  “We wait till you’ve signed the papers, and we go somewhere else, leave our cell numbers.”

  “Our house?”

  Connor shook his head. “Mine. I live close by.”

  Connor’s house. Or apartment. Josh didn’t even know where the man lived. How disturbed was that? He called Connor his boyfriend, yet he didn’t even know the basics, like his address. Or his date of birth.

  “How old are you anyway?”

  “Noah didn’t tell you when he did his little research into me?”

  “He did what?”

  “You didn’t know? Typical. Noah checked me out after I’d been to your house. I guess he wanted to know who he was dealing with. Come to think of it, he never made the link to the Fitzpatricks. He must have seen my mother’s maiden name.”

  Josh leaned back against Connor’s chest, reveling in the safety it brought him. It was like hiding behind a strong wall. “Indy hadn’t told us back then, so it wouldn’t have meant anything to him.”

  “That makes sense. I’m thirty-two by the way.”

  Four years older than Josh. He felt older, somehow, even though he didn’t look it.

  “What’s your favorite color?”

  Connor chuckled. “What’s this, twenty questions?”

  “I don’t know the first thing about you.”

  “You know the most important things,” Connor interjected.

  “True. But I’d like to fill in some of the details. Humor me.”

  “Marine blue.”

  “Movie?”

  “Gladiator.”

  “Music?”

  “I barely listen to music. I dunno, eighties rock?”

  “First kiss?”

  “Dana Rogers, eleventh grade, after my high school football team won the state championships. She was the head cheerleader, and I scored the winning touchdown. Obviously, I didn’t want to admit I was gay yet.”

  “First time sex?”

  Connor laughed. “Dana Rogers, eleventh grade, after my high school football team won the state championships. Yeah, she was what was known as easy, and I was a nervous virgin who wanted to experiment. Awkward doesn’t even begin to describe it.”

  Josh smiled as he felt some of the tension leaving his body. “You’ve learned a thing or two since then.”

  Judy came with the papers, and Josh signed each one without hesitation. This was the right thing to do. Noah had never been a proponent of the wait-and-see approach. He was a man of action, wanted to do something rather than leave things to chance. He gave Judy both their cell numbers, had her promise to call them if anything changed.

  “I need to make a quick call,” Josh said. “Noah’s dad. They haven’t talked to each other in almost a year, but he needs to know.”

  Connor nodded. “Make the call.”

&
nbsp; Josh called the general, didn’t use more words than necessary to update the man on Noah’s condition. He hung up in a little over a minute, relieved that was done. “Let’s go,” he said.

  Wordlessly, they drove to Connor’s house. More precisely, Connor drove, and Josh watched him. No, he didn’t know many of the basic details yet, but Connor had been right. Josh did know the most important things. The fact that Connor was calm in a crisis, decisive. That he was protective as hell when it came to Josh and would do anything to shield him. Connor was a rock he could lean on, take shelter behind.

  Connor parked in the lot of a widespread apartment complex. Josh followed him as he opened a door, walked up one flight of stairs to a dark blue door. No name shield, nothing to make it personal. If Josh had to take a guess, he’d bet the apartment was sterile inside, empty of anything personal.

  Connor closed the door behind them, turned the bolt into place.

  “Strip,” he told Josh.

  A shiver tore through him. “Here?”

  “That’s one strike. Three strikes and you’ll pay.”

  Fuck, yes. This.

  This was what Josh wanted, what he craved. For Connor to take over so he could shut his brain down. He kicked off his shoes, not bothering with the laces. He unbuckled his belt and shoved his jeans down his hips, taking his boxers with him. His socks and shirt came off next, and he stood naked before Connor, his cock already growing hard.

  “Undress me.”

  He reached for Connor’s belt, but Connor’s hand grabbed his wrist. “Yes, Connor,” he commanded.

  Tears of relief burned in Josh's eyes. How did this man know what he needed? Did it feel as good for Connor as it did for Josh when he submitted? If it did, he wanted nothing else but to obey. It felt so right.

  “Yes, Connor.”

  He reached again for Connor’s belt, and this time, he was allowed. Josh unbuttoned the jeans and pulled them down. Shoes. He should have taken Connor’s shoes off first.

  He kneeled, not in the least embarrassed by his nakedness, untied Connor’s shoelaces and took off his shoes. After that, the jeans and socks followed suit. Connor’s jacket came off. He lifted his arms so Josh could pull his sweater and shirt off. All that was left were his boxers. Well, Noah’s boxers.

  Josh put both his hands on the waistband and pulled them down. Connor’s massive cock sprung free, halfway hard already. He dropped to his knees again to let Connor step out of his underwear. It brought the man’s cock in his face, and he couldn’t resist a quick lick.

  Connor stepped back. “Two strikes. Did I say you could touch my cock?”

  Josh stayed kneeling, waiting for further instructions. “No, Connor.”

  Connor opened a door that led to his bedroom. A dark mahogany four-poster queen-size was perfectly made with a dark blue comforter. It looked like it had never even been slept in.

  “On your back on the bed, your head hanging over the edge. I wanna fuck your mouth.”

  Josh made his way to the bed. If Connor wanted Josh to suck him off, why didn’t he let him kneel? He climbed on, lowered himself on his back and scooted over until his head hung over the edge. Immediately, he realized what the idea was. He’d seen it in enough porn videos. This position allowed Connor to fuck Josh's mouth deep, deeper than in another position. It gave Connor almost complete control. Fuck, he was vulnerable like this. If Connor pushed his monster cock too far in, he could hurt Josh. He wouldn’t be able to breathe, not with the Beast stuffed in his mouth.

  Connor would never hurt you. This knowledge filled him, gave him peace of mind. Allowing Connor to be dominant meant trusting him to know what was best. He would never hurt Josh in a way that didn’t bring pleasure. The peace returned, and Josh surrendered.

  “Yes, Connor.”

  Only then did he realize Connor had waited for his submission, his permission. He hadn’t done anything until Josh had signaled his agreement with those two simple words.

  “Open up,” Connor said, a deep sound of satisfaction in his voice. He positioned himself above Josh, his legs spread wide to get the right height.

  Josh opened his mouth, relaxed. The crown of the Beast teased his cheek, then his chin.

  “You want it?”

  “Oh, please, Connor.”

  To Josh's deep delight, Connor brought his cock in line with Josh’s mouth, entered it. Josh licked, shivering when the saltiness hit his tongue. Fuck, yes. He started sucking, licking, drawing Connor in deeper until his whole mouth was filled with cock.

  Connor kept a close watch, pulling back when Josh ran out of breath. Still, his eyes watered with the pressure and saliva was pooling out of the corners of his mouth.

  “Damn, you look good with my cock in your mouth, baby,” Connor grunted.

  Even if Josh had wanted to say anything, he couldn’t. All he did was moan when Connor pulled out his cock, allowed him to catch his breath and stuffed it right back in. He never pushed in too far, never got so deep it hurt, though Josh's jaws tensed up with the constant pressure. At the same time, he was getting mighty hard by sucking off Connor. His right hand sneaked lower to grab his own dick.

  “Did I say you could touch yourself?”

  Fuck. Was that the third strike? No, no, no!

  He whimpered when Connor pulled out of his mouth. “I’m sorry, Connor. Please, please let me suck you till you come.”

  Connor’s face was blank. Damn, the cop was good at hiding his emotions.

  When Connor walked away to the corner of the room, Josh thought he’d lose it. If Connor would punish him by not fucking him, he’d go mad. He didn’t dare to move and watched upside down as Connor lowered himself into a sofa chair. He gestured Josh to come with a single index finger.

  Josh scrambled up, almost tripping over himself in his haste to obey. Connor spread his legs. Did he want Josh to resume sucking him there? He would, but he wasn’t sure that was the plan. Until he knew for certain, he wasn’t moving, not wanting to incur Connor’s disapproval.

  Connor gestured to his right knee. “Bend over,” he said. This time he wasn’t quite capable of preventing the gleam in his eyes.

  Holy fuck, he was going to spank him. Josh held back a smile, biting his lip in anticipation instead as he lowered himself over Connor’s knee.

  “Twenty strikes, count them out and say ‘thank you, Connor’ after each one.”

  Hot damn, how did he come up with this stuff? Was Connor a natural, or had he done research? Josh closed his eyes, tensed as he awaited the first slap. Connor made him wait, Josh's body shivering with need and nerves.

  Slap!

  He jerked off Connor’s knee as the strong hand hit his right butt cheek full on. Fuck, that stung.

  “One,” he said. “Thank you, Connor.”

  The second one came fast, hit his other cheek.

  “Two. Thank you, Connor.”

  A pause before three, four, and five came in rapid succession. By now, his ass was smarting something fierce.

  “Five. Thank you, Connor,” he managed between clenched teeth.

  Number six forced tears from his eyes, but after number ten something strange happened. It was as if his body went into a different mode. His cock, which had softened during the first strikes, became rock-hard again, and all his nerves were on fire. His ass stung like a motherfucker, but it felt somehow good at the same time.

  “Eleven. Thank you, Connor.”

  He heard himself say it, detected the sincere gratitude in his voice. More tears came, started falling for real.

  Fourteen, fifteen. His body was shaking, and to his surprise, his balls were pulling tight as if about to release. What the fuck was happening?

  Twenty.

  “Thank you, Connor,” he all but whimpered. Ecstasy. His body was ecstatic, his cock throbbing hard. How the hell was this possible?

  He felt Connor’s left hand on his ass, way colder than the right one he’d used to spank Josh. “You are so beautiful,” Connor said, his voice
full of admiration. “Fuck, Josh, your ass right now… It’s on fire, and it must be hurting, but it’s never beckoned me more.”

  Josh's muscles gave in, and he would have slid off Connor’s knee if the man hadn’t grabbed him. He lifted Josh with ease, carried him to the bed and lowered him on his belly. “Stay there. I’ll be right back.”

  Josh couldn’t have moved if he wanted to. His limbs were like elastic bands, his muscles weak and useless. He jolted when he felt something cold and wet on his butt. Had he fallen asleep? He’d never heard Connor walk away, or return. A wet, cold washcloth was draped over each ass cheek, soothing the pain.

  “Thank you, Connor.” The words fell out of his mouth automatically, much to his surprise.

  Connor chuckled. “That’s a good boy.”

  Josh felt the words in the very core of his being, like they were what he had been waiting for all this time. Rain on a barren desert, the dried-out trees rejoicing in the first few drops of water.

  He must’ve dozed off again, though it felt more like dreaming awake than sleeping, but he woke up when the wet cloths were replaced by a towel that patted him dry. It still stung, but way less than before. Cool moisture hit his bottom, and he jerked in shock.

  “Don’t move.” Connor’s voice was back to authoritative, and Josh settled back down.

  Connor’s hand rubbed a cold lotion into his skin, circling his cheeks with gentle moves. Josh relaxed, pushed his butt into Connor’s hand. His eyes closed, he reveled in the sensation of the warm caress, the cool lotion, the tingle in his ass that kept spreading. This felt so good.

  Connor’s finger found his crack, traveled all the way up…and down. Josh shivered. Cold liquid dripped in his crack, found a slow-dripping way down, down, down, into his hole. The lotion smelled of coconut, triggering images of white beaches and a blue ocean, happy cocktails with those cute paper umbrellas.

  Connor’s finger followed, teasing his entrance until Josh whimpered. In a reflex, he spread his legs farther, pushed back his butt.