They collapsed on the couch, two messy, sweaty, slick bodies, exhausted from the vigorous fucking.
“I love you,” Josh said. “I love you so much, Connor.”
Deleted Scene No Shame (2)
Note
This is another scene I originally wrote for the opening of No Shame (can you tell I struggled with that one, haha?), but it didn’t work. In hindsight, I’m glad I left it out because it didn’t fit the journey Noah and Josh still had to go through. It doesn’t fit the final storyline, but it’s an emotional, hot scene. I hope you enjoy it. Please note this is unedited.
Deleted Scene No Shame (2)
Noah had barely slept since he’d seen the news, his heart in a constant overdrive at the thought of what this could mean for him and Indy. Would he have seen it by now? Would he dare to contact him or even better, come back? He was afraid to hope, not wanting to get ahead of himself.
A day later, the police and the FBI still had no clues as to the identities of the shooter. Noah had watched every news cycle. The images of those bodies being carried out, the names and pictures on his screen, the footage of the raids—he’d seen them a dozen times by now. Duncan had looked older than his twenty-eight years in the picture, probably the results of the fast life he’d been leading.
As he lounged on the couch, the TV a constant presence in the background, the loneliness hit Noah harder than ever. Here was this incredible news, yet he had nobody to talk to. Indy hadn’t contacted him yet, though there was the possibility he hadn’t heard of course. Josh was still at the psychiatric facility and would probably be there for a while after that last break down.
The hardest part was that he’d been cut off from Josh ever since, as the rules after a breakdown like that allowed no outside contacts. Chances were Josh didn’t even know what had happened. And of course not a peep from Connor, despite it being his family. Not that Noah would have welcomed that asshole back, not after the way he’d dumped Josh.
He still couldn’t believe it. Connor had seemed like one of the good guys, dependable, decent. After spending so much time in the army and working with people, Noah prided himself on reading people well. He’d been so wrong about Connor. Shit, the guy had flat out dumped Josh out of the blue. He’d up and quit his job and had moved away.
Josh had taken it better than Noah had expected. Fuck, he’d pretty much counted on Josh breaking, but he hadn’t. Oh, he had grieved, that much had been clear. Noah had caught him staring into nothing more than once, holding one of Connor’s shirts that he apparently left behind. He’d seen him with red-rimmed eyes too, but Josh had been uncharacteristically tight-lipped. He hadn’t said a word about Connor, actually, now that Noah thought about it. Hadn’t ranted even once. Weird.
They’d fallen straight back into old patterns, though they hadn’t had sex, well, not at first. Neither of them had wanted it, they had just craved the physical closeness at night, but nothing else. Noah had still had hopes Indy would come back, and Josh, well god only knew what Josh had been thinking. Not until that night, two months after Connor had dumped Josh and three months after Indy had left them. The night he’d been so full of pain he’d done something almost unforgivable. It had been him and Josh, on the couch, talking. And Josh had asked about Noah’s plans for the future, if he had any hope of Indy coming back.
“I don’t think I will ever see him again,” Noah had said, his voice breaking. “And the truth is that I can’t even be mad at him. It’s not that he doesn’t trust me; he’s scared of being found by the Fitzpatricks, of them hurting me and you as well. I get that, and I can’t argue with it. But I miss him so fucking much.”
He buried his head in his hands, fighting to keep the tears at bay. Crying was senseless and it didn’t make him feel better. Nothing made him feel better anymore.
Josh pulled him close again and Noah surrendered, putting his head on Josh's lap. He wrapped his arms around Josh's waist, finding comfort in the familiar feel of his best friend. Josh softly stroked his hair while Noah snuggled close. It took him a few minutes before the sensation of the hardening cock under him registered.
He turned his head, seeking Josh's eyes. “Josh,” he said.
“I can’t help it,” Josh said, but there was no apology in his eyes, nor his voice. “My body is still programmed to respond to you, Noah.”
Noah turned his head back, rubbed his cheek against Josh's cock. “Do you still want me?” he asked hoarsely.
“I don’t think I will ever stop wanting you. Even when my brain knows it won’t work, my body knows what it wants.”
Noah brought his arm up, resting his hand on Josh's cock, which grew harder and harder. “What about Connor?” he asked, putting pressure on his hands.
Josh lifted his hips ever so slightly, pushing against Noah’s hand. “You know the rule, Noah: you have to ask. What are you asking me?”
He wanted to stop thinking. Stop grieving. Stop feeling. Stop hurting.
“Please, Josh, please fuck me…” Josh's gasp was audible. Clearly, he’d been expecting Noah to want to top, not bottom. Noah slipped his index finger behind the waistband of Josh's jeans, popped open the button, pushed the zipper down. Josh's cock was straining against his signature black boxers, the head peeping out from under the elastic band. Noah pulled the boxers down enough to let his friend’s member spring free. He inhaled the familiar scent. God, he wanted this. Needed this.
“If you want to say no, now’s the time,” he warned Josh.
“Wouldn’t you rather fuck me?” Josh's voice was tight.
Noah didn’t trust himself, not with the anger and pain roaring through his veins. If he lost control, he could hurt Josh, trigger bad memories. He wasn’t taking the risk. Besides, he would welcome the pain of being fucked, anything to keep his mind off the pain that was killing him from the inside.
“No. I need your cock in my ass, fucking me hard.”
Noah was done waiting. Josh would have said no if he had wanted to. He dropped his mouth on Josh's shaft, took him in and started sucking. Familiar salty sensations tickled his tongue as Josh moaned deeply. Noah deftly removed Josh's jeans and boxers, pulled him lower on the couch so he had access to his ass as well. He wet his finger with saliva, pushed it in in Josh's hole, teasing him while he kept sucking him. Josh needed to come first before fucking him, so he’d need a while before coming again.
“Ohh!” Josh groaned, bucking his hips of the couch when Noah inserted a second finger. He kept teasing him, licking him, cupping his balls, sucking as much as he could fit into his mouth.
He put a third finger in, turned his hand so he could hit Josh's sweet spot, found it and pressed.
“Fuck!”
The balls in his hand tightened, preparing to spurt. He kept licking and sucking, twisting his fingers in Josh's hole to make it good.
Josh came hard, shuddering wildly. Noah swallowed, savoring the taste. There was no denying it: he had missed this. He licked Josh's cock clean, kept his fingers in his ass to keep the pressure on. As expected, Josh grew hard again in minutes.
Noah yanked off his own jeans, struggled to get his boxers off, while keeping Josh in his mouth.
“Let me go,” Josh said, pulling back from Noah’s mouth. He got on his knees, took Noah’s boxers off. “Get ready,” he said. “I’ll get the lube.”
Noah stopped thinking, forcing his mind to shut off. He put pillows under his stomach, pulled up his legs and spread them. Ass wide open, he waited for Josh to take away his pain. He’d better fuck Noah hard, long, raw. It wasn’t tenderness he needed right now.
Josh returned in seconds and wordlessly lubed his own cock. He put some lube on his fingers, as Noah leaned forward on his arms to allow Josh access.
“Your safe word is pumpkin,” Josh said, his voice level.
“Safe word?” Noah pushed up on his arms, only to be forcefully pushed back down again.
“Keep your head down and spread your ass wide open, we’re done talking. Do
n’t think I don’t know what you want, what you need, and why you asked me to fuck you. I’ll give you exactly what you need.”
He inserted two fingers into Noah’s hole, not too gently, and Noah’s inner sleeve protested. Pain. Physical pain. He’d never thought he’d welcome it, but right now, it was a delicious agony that kept him from feeling the pain no painkiller could take away.
Josh twisted his fingers, stretched Noah, sending a burning sensation through his insides. Fuck, yes. Noah pushed his ass back against Joh’s fingers and groaned, his cock growing hard as granite. He reached under him, grabbed his cock.
“No touching yourself. If you start jerking off, I’m done.”
What the hell? Noah’s pulled back his hand, uncertain what Josh's game here was, but dead sure he’d been serious.
Josh pulled his fingers from Noah’s ass and seconds later, his cock entered Noah’s hole. There was no gentle probing this time, no careful testing and stretching. Josh inhaled deeply and pushed in, through the resistance Noah’s body offered.
“Damn!” Noah cried out, tears forming in his eyes.
For a split second, Josh hesitated, but then he pushed in deeper and deeper until his long cock was balls deep in Noah’s ass. Stinging pain shot through his insides, but it eased the pain in his soul. Then Josh started moving, and Noah lost all coherent thought.
The pain disappeared soon as his inner sleeve relaxed and stretched to accommodate Josh's cock. Josh grunted as he fucked Noah hard and deep, every thrust with more force than Noah had ever thought him capable of. Even though his ass was wide open now, Josh's force still made it burn a bit. Every thought in his head disappeared as he focused on being fucked to pieces. Josh rammed into him without any consideration, the impact forcing Noah to dig in to stay in place. Pain and pleasure, Josh's brutal cock and his tender ass, it was all he could think about. Fuck, he loved it. Needed it. He felt his balls tingling and burning to unload.
Suddenly, Josh pulled out completely.
Noah rose up in confusion. “What—?”
“Shut the fuck up. Flip on your back and spread your legs.”
“But my leg…”
“Fucking hell, Noah, do as I say or I walk out, right fucking now!” Josh's words rolled off the walls, reverberated deep in Noah’s body. He flipped on his back, spread his legs.
“Pull your knees up so I can fuck you hard.”
Noah shivered. He debated saying that this position wasn’t exactly comfortable on his stump, then decided against it and did as he was told.
“Close your eyes.”
He closed them, not daring to disobey for some reason.
Josh entered him again, drilling all the way inside in one hard thrust. Noah’s breath caught sharply, then released on a shuddering moan. Again, Josh fucked him so hard his body shook. The burning sensation of Josh's legs on his scars and his stump especially made his eyes water, but he embraced it. The physical pain completely drowned the deep ache in his soul. Noah’s cock, which had lost some of its tension while switching positions, grew hard again.
“Ohh!” he groaned, as Josh started hitting his sweet spot.
He was almost there and shit, he was going to come so hard, even without jerking himself off. Josh had better be close too, because he couldn’t hold it long anymore. His body tensed in anticipation. Josh abruptly pulled out again. Noah’s eyes flew open. Josh's face was drenched in sweat, his eyes harder than Noah had ever seen them. Josh leaned back, then let himself fall back on the couch.
“Ride me,” he said.
“I can’t,” Noah protested. “My leg, it—“
“Take it or leave it. You want to be fucked, you ride me.”
What had happened to his sweet, tender Josh? It was like he’d been replaced by a complete stranger. And yet, somewhere deep down, Noah felt relieved, grateful to be ordered around. Grateful for the pain, too.
He scrambled up without much grace, yanked Josh further down on the couch and straddled him. He fumbled getting Josh's cock in his ass, finally managed to find the right angle. He lowered himself carefully, but Josh shot up his hips and impaled him with one deep thrust.
“Fucking hell!” Noah cried out.
Josh clamped down on Noah’s hips, his fingers digging in so deep that Noah knew he’d have bruises afterwards. “Start riding.”
Every move upwards irritated his leg, but Noah breathed through the pain. Every now and then Josh would slam upwards, his balls slapping against Noah’s cheeks. How was Josh holding on so long without coming? Noah wanted to let him come first, as he’d always done, but he couldn’t hold on for long anymore.
“You can’t come until I’m coming,” Jos said coolly, as if he’d read Noah’s mind. “So make me come.”
Make me come. The words echoed in Noah’s head, filling him up, demanding his attention. Make me come. In the past, all he’d had to do was order Josh to come and he would have. But that was sweet Josh, not this cool, almost cruel stranger. What had happened? Why was Josh behaving as if he hated Noah, wanted to hurt him?
Because you made him.
The realization hit him hard and he stopped moving, simply sat down with Josh's cock deep inside of him. He had asked Josh to hurt him, something Josh was barely capable of. He had wanted Josh to ease his pain so badly that he had disrespected him, his character, their entire relationship. What the fuck had he done?
He broke, a violent sob tearing through his body.
He rolled, Josh's cock slipping from his ass with a wet smack. Blind with tears, he sought Josh's shoulder, found it, laid himself down, wrapping his arms around Josh. Dammit, they were both still wearing their shirts. He hadn’t even properly undressed Josh, or himself.
“I’m sorry…God, I’m sorry…I never should have…I fucked up.”
His heart stopped when Josh didn’t respond immediately. After what seemed like an eternity, Josh arms came around him and he held him tight.
“Finally,” Josh said, his voice broken.
They held each other for a long time, Noah’s sobs gradually lessening. Every sob, every tear chipped away at the anger he’d been holding on to for so long. When it finally stopped, a weight had been lifted off his soul.
Josh breathed in his ear. “Don’t ever, ever, ever ask me again to physically hurt you. It kills me, Noah, and I won’t do it again, you hear me?”
“I don’t deserve you,” Noah said, meaning it from the depths of his soul.
“Take your shirt off,” Josh said. “Mine, too,” he added when Noah obeyed without hesitation.
Uncertainty burning through him as he’d never experienced before, Noah hesitantly lowered himself next to Josh again after removing both their shirts. They’d been naked together so often, every night, yet somehow it felt different.
Josh pushed Noah down, pulled at his arm to drape it around Josh's body, snuggled close. “Now, sleep,” he told Noah. “You look like shit.”
How was he supposed to sleep with a raging hard on? He jolted. His cock was completely soft, as exhausted as the rest of his body. He hadn’t realized he’d lost his desire to fuck.
“When did you become the strong one?” he whispered, in awe of the strength Josh had displayed.
“I always was. We were both too blind and stuck in our patterns to realize it.”
Josh had been right. Ever since that night, he had been the strong one. Noah had leaned on him, hard, and Josh hadn’t budged an inch. He’d told Noah they could sleep together and that they could give each other a hand job, or suck each other off, but that there would be no more fucking. Noah had wondered why, but Josh had drawn the line, and he had respected it. It had worked, though he missed the intimacy they’d had before. Not as much as he’d missed Indy though.
It had been like a part of him had been ripped away the day he left. He had completed him in a way he hadn’t realized and with him, he’d lost his capacity for joy, for pleasure. Even the blow jobs Josh would give him would pleasure him physically only. He’d
been so incredibly lonely—and hated himself for it.
The sound of a key in the front door jerked him out of his thoughts. Josh was home. He jumped up from the couch and met a tired-looking Josh in the hall way.
“Did you see the news?”
Josh put his duffel bag down, hugged Noah tight. “Yeah, caught it on the airport waiting for my flight back. Have you heard from Indy yet?”
Noah’s face sobered. “No. He may not know yet.”
“Or he’s on the other side of the country and is still on his way back,” Josh offered.
“How was the treatment facility? Was it a good experience?”
A smile played around Josh's lips. “Very rewarding and satisfactory. They gave me three targets, and I managed to hit all three, so I felt accomplished when I left. I think it really helped, you know?”
Noah hugged him again. “That’s awesome, man. So proud of you.”
And with Josh by his side, waiting for Indy to come home was a little less lonely.
Deleted Scene No Shame (3)
Note
This scene takes place on the ride back from visiting Lucas’s mom with Noah, the day Connor heard Lucas’s body had been found. I changed this scene and some details of this visit in the final version, so there may be some inconsistencies with the final book. I decided they weren’t ready for this yet…
I also used some parts for No Angel, so you may want to read that first. I just wanted to put it here in the box set because according to the timeline, it belongs here. It’s unedited.
Deleted Scene No Shame (3)
Connor was numb.
He’d talked for most of the ride to Connecticut, in itself a sign of how out of whack his mind was. He’s shared memories of Lucas. How they’d met in boot camp, became friends. His wicked sense of humor, always pulling pranks. How much he’d loved his mom, who’d raised him as a single parent after his dad had walked out on them hen Lucas was still a toddler. Lucas had struggled with reading, being severely dyslexic, but he’d been so proud to finish high school, then become a Marine.
No Shame: The Complete Series: Including exclusive bonus materials and deleted scenes Page 115
